Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin's blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process...he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I'd ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I'm sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn't have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can't even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother...I don't even KNOW what I'm going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi's parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her...but it won't be what *I* had and I don't think it's selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

*MAJOR YAWN*

*yawn* I am so tired I feel like my head is going to fall off. This morning I rushed to get ready and then crawled back into bed for 10 minutes. I would SO much rather have stayed in bed and slept. Keeping in mind that I've been working for 11 days straight now. That doesn't help. *yawn*

It doesn't look like sleeping late will be forthcoming this weekend. On Saturday I have to go and renew my car license...it expired on the 30th of June already and I'm already into my 21 day grace period. Then at 11:30 I have a hair appointment.

Sunday morning will be church and on Sunday afternoon we're going to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D with Beauty Queen, SLK and a bunch of their friends. Quite looking forward to that.

Weekends are too short dammit. Three days. Is that too much to ask? I'll still give four full days to my employer. Just ONE more weekend day. Either that or I should have become a construction worker or doctor. With all the strikes going on at the moment I would have been granted some time off.

Going to bed at early doesn't seem to help much either, although Rudi decided it was more important for him to go out and watch darts last night than to spend time with me, so he did wake me up when he got home and then I had heartburn so struggled to get back to sleep. I'm actually quite annoyed with him for going, but what can you do? I suppose he needs some time away from me as well. Hmph.

So I'm 9 weeks today. The appointment for my nuchal scan was made for 7 August 09:00. I will probably be anxious and nervous before this scan as it will be done with high definition scanning equipment and this is where we'll get our first indications of what exactly is happening inside me at the moment. My ticker says our baby has fingers and toes already...so we'll most likely be able to see a whole lot more by the time 7 August rolls around *fret*

Ok. Enough of that.

I'm going to have a nap on my desk.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

All about throwing up

Yesterday I broke my throwing up record. Twice in one day. I know it doesn't seem like much, but throwing up twice a day is traumatic, OK? The first time it was just as I got out of bed. Nothing in my stomach, which is what I'm used to. If you don't know what bile tastes like, pop an E on an empty stomach. Ok, so I can't really encourage drug use on my blog, but you get what I'm saying. Yummy. What a way to start your day. I was hoping that I was done for the day having gotten it behind me first thing in the morning, alas it was not to be.

After work we went shopping for some groceries and I had to push Rudi to just get the bare minimum so we could leave as soon as possible. I was not feeling the shopping vibe. It's strange, the worst feeling of nausea always hits me around the same spot on the way home. I think it's part psychological. I know in my mind I will soon be at home in the privacy of my own bathroom with my own toilet and then it will be OK to barf. Loudly. As I tend to. I have never thrown up in public or at anyone else's house. Not even in the car. While I was pregnant anyway.

When we arrived home I felt better though and had a chocolate milkshake. I was sitting playing with Rudi's new phone (his old one completely gave up the ghost after the encounter with the pool) and had to get up to make the white sauce for our mac and cheese dinner (I am the white sauce QUEEN!). There it came. Suddenly.

I know from previous experience that chocolate B-fast turns pink in your stomach while it's digesting (weird, huh?). Chocolate milk it seems, doesn't.

I must say, this pregnancy, this "morning" sickness....everything just feels much more like I expected it to be. With James I was so sick ALL THE TIME that I really, really considered offing myself eventually. This time it is so much more manageable. I am very grateful for that.

My jeans don't fit me anymore. I need pants man! The lovely Tertia has said I can come and have a look at her maternity clothes, which I definitely will. I have 4 pants that currently fit me, which means I have to wear once pair at least twice in a work week. Not cool! I'll also be able to meet her and the infamous Max when I go to have a look. Yay!

All this taken into consideration - I AM HAPPY! I am in awe of the miracle that is taking place inside me. I was having visions of sperm meeting egg yesterday (like they show on TV) and thinking about how very lucky I am.

YAY!

Scan :)

It's just a bean for now, but according to the measurement on the scan our baby is 2.13cm in length already.

Our bean was moving around yesterday. Something James only did much later on. I'm hoping it's all a good sign.

My HUGE News

2009-06-05, Friday:

Today we found out that I'm pregnant. 1 - 2 weeks. We're elated! So happy! Of course also a little apprehensive. This blog entry will go into drafts for quite a while. At least until I've been to the gynae to confirm that the baby is safe and snug and that there is a heartbeat. Right now all I have is a positive urine test and a blood test.

I was only a few days late. My cycle was supposed to start on Monday, it had never been this long since my last pregnancy and the curiosity was KILLING ME. On Thursday I went to buy two pregnancy tests (thinking, like last time, I would need more than one) and waited till Friday morning to take it. All night I dreamt of positive pregnancy tests. It was quite weird. Sure enough, the first one I took came out positive, rendering the second test useless:



I couldn't believe it! I asked a colleague to take me down to the hospital in the morning to have blood drawn to confirm this. Pathcare won't interpret the results for you, but after work Rudi and I went to collect the results. My BHCG (pregnancy hormone) level was 156 and flagged as 'High'. The key on the results sheet says if your number is between 50 and 5000 you are 1 - 2 weeks pregnant.

2009-06-07, Sunday:

Today the sickness began. I got sick while brushing my teeth. Have had an underlying feeling of nausea all day. Already so many things about this pregnancy feel more 'right' than they did last time. For one, Rudi and I found out together, instead of him knowing before I did. Not that he didn't try. He wanted to pick up the results at Pathcare on Friday, but I had to show my ID, so he had no chance. I've found out very early on, which means I can take good care of myself and avoid medication, alcohol, etc. I'm still in denial. I'm still in shock. I don't understand HOW we got pregnant. We were specifically careful because I was on so much medication last month including cortisone, antibiotics and schedule 5 sleeping tablets. We used condoms for goodness sake! Unless it happened while we were in George...

Tomorrow I'll make my gynae appointment. I'll try to schedule it for around 7 weeks from now so we can see the heartbeat when we go. I should be around 8 or 9 weeks then. It's so long to wait. So long to keep this HUGE secret.

I'm worried about telling Angel. It was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind. She has been trying for such a long time and in my opinion really deserves to be knocked up also. I can only hope that she is knocked up before I release the news to the world. I really want to tell her already since I know in my heart she will be happy for us, even if it makes her heart sore...but it's so early on and anything can still happen. I don't want to upset her unnecessarily. I will call her before I publish anything about this on my blog. So by the time you read this, she will already know.

2009-06-08, Monday:

I felt a little sick this morning, but managed to keep everything down. Feeling fine throughout the day. I must say it feels a bit dishonest keeping this secret. I want to announce it to the world, despite what happened last time. I made my gynae appointment. It's for the 6th of July. 11:30 in the morning. I don't think we'll be able to see the heartbeat by then, but we'll be able to see the gestational sac at the very least and make sure everything is where it should be.

2009-06-09, Tuesday:

So I may have gone a little overboard shopping for the baby yesterday. I bought:
A Snookums bottle warmer: R309.00 (Game)
A Snookums microwave bottle sterilizer: R130.00 (Game)
Rubber duckies: R30.00 (Ackermanns Baby)

Not to mention the the 2 NUK dummies (size 1, R89.99 - Checkers)I bought the Monday after we returned from George. I also bought myself a Carriwell maternity bra(R130.00 - Ackermanns Baby) as my breasts are already getting sensitive.

It's so weird. Last time I didn't want to buy anything. Not even until I was 5 months. This time I'm shopping up a storm. I must have a good feeling about this :) Also, this is probably going to be a reeeaaalllyy long blog entry by the 6th of July.

2009-06-11, Thursday

So CUTE! When Rudi dropped me off for work this morning he said 'Take care of my baby' *heart melts* He took a very long time to get this way last time. Going for another blood test tomorrow.

2009-06-13, Saturday

So I went for my second blood test yesterday. The BHCG (pregnancy hormone) level in my blood has shot up from 156 to over 2000 in one week. This is a good sign, but throws off the gestational age. The first number indicates 1 - 2 weeks where the second one indicates 4 - 5 weeks. Guess we'll have to wait for my scan in July to confirm where I'm at...and whether there's only one baby in there!


2009-06-16, Tuesday

After doing some research on the Internet it seems like Pathcare's BHCG key is wrong. Looks like there is probably just one baby in there.

I feel so wonderful. I don't feel sick at all (which worries me because I seem to be eating for the A team). My biggest complaints could be getting up at night to pee and fatigue. Walk in the park compared to my pregnancy with James. Really. It makes me nervous...like it's too good to be true. How can I possibly feel so well and be pregnant? I suppose my previous experience has jaded me somewhat. I'm so excited and happy!

I called Angel and told her. She was happy for us, as I knew she would be. I'm so glad.

2009-06-17, Wednesday

I really don't mind getting up at night to pee (even at this early stage), but really. It's bloody freezing suddenly. Was shivering all the way to and from the loo during the night. Will have to put on warmer PJ's and socks tonight.

2009-06-19, Friday

I'm exhausted! It's my twelfth consecutive day of work and I NEED to rest! Had a lovely bout of morning sickness yesterday that made me very nervous, but it passed by lunchtime and I'm feeling fine today. I'm starting to feel my womb migrating north (well, upwards) and my jeans are already a little tight, even after I lost weight. I went out and bought myself a pair of nice light grey track pants which have PLENTY of tummy room for the future (but look a bit big for me now) and are nice enough to wear to work. Pants are going to be a real problem for me. Although there is a market for plus size maternity wear (because fat people get pregnant too, you know)...nobody seems to cater for it. Luckily I'm not in the top sizes of regular plus sized clothes, so I guess I'm going to have to buy the bigger sizes in future. Seems kind of a waste, especially since plus sized clothes are quite expensive.

2009-06-30, Tuesday

So I've been putting off posting here. There's not really anything to tell right now. It's frustrating that you never know how your pregnancy is going between gynae appointments. I'm looking forward to my gynae appointment (although tentatively). I don't think we'll be able to see much, probably not even a heartbeat. I estimate (and I could be wrong) that I'll be around 6 weeks when I see him. I think we'll most likely just establish whether or not the pregnancy is ectopic and discuss our options from there. I would assume that my gynae would want to keep a close eye on the baby's developments this time around, although that is just an assumption. I don't think I need to tell my gynae how to do his job. He usually does a check up once every six weeks in the beginning. It seems painfully long in between visits. We'll most likely talk about the big scan (that I didn't go for last time) on Monday. I'm a little superstitious about having my appointment on a Monday. He picked up the problems with James for the first time on a Monday. We went for the scan where we made our final decision on a Monday. I became kind of anti-Mondays during that whole period of my life, but it is a new beginning and a new pregnancy and a new baby. Things will be different this time. I hope.

2009-07-01, Wednesday

Yesterday after feeling very ill in the car on the way home (I actually think I suffer from all day sickness which is made worse by being a passenger. Motion sickness if you will) I had to dash to the bathroom as soon as we arrived home. I was completely fine when I left work, we stopped at the shop and in the short distance between the shop and home things took a turn for the worse. After that I was OK again though. That is more what I expected 'morning' sickness to be like. Sudden onset, barf and you're done.

I hope Rudi will be able to make it to the gynae appointment. He's been very non-committal due to operational requirements at work, but I hope he can make it. I really want to have him there.

*****Later*****

Still feeling nauseous today. I'm not going to complain, but it really isn't nice. Fuggit.

2009-07-04, Saturday

I had a wonderful dream last night. It was both good and bad, but it left me with a good feeling. I dreamt I had a baby girl. She was tiny, but so wonderful to hold and she had a lovely temperament. This gave me a wonderful feeling. The bad part of the dream was where I needed to change her and I seemed COMPLETELY unprepared and overwhelmed. I probably dressed and undressed her 5 times, stuffing up something in the process. I didn't have bum cream, I couldn't find a nappy to fit her small body...when I put powder on her I managed to get it in her eye, but she wasn't upset with me. She still cuddled me. She also had bruises on her bum, where I assumed in the dream that she had been injected while in hospital. After all the changing drama, My Evil Mother was also in the dream. She berated me for wanting to hold on to my baby and basically being inseparable from her. Trust My Evil Mother to do something like that.

All in all the dream left me elated and VERY impatient to meet my baby! (I probably still have around 8 months to wait though - they gynae will clarify on Monday)

2006-07-06, Monday

My gynae appointment was scheduled for 11:30 this morning, but due to unforseen circumstances the gynae called and rescheduled it to 16:15. I was already super impatient, but I was glad it was still today.

I must say I love my gynae. He is absolutely awesome. His first concern was to make sure my mind was at ease after everything that happened last time. He did a scan and determined that I was already 8 weeks and 4 days! It's much further along than we thought, but it's really nice. Much closer to 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage is reduced. He brought up risk assessments and I told him that I would like to go for the risk assessments, although I am not up to another amniocentesis which was useless and very expensive last time. He understood my reluctance.

He was very positive and very encouraging. He said he is certain everything will be OK, but recommends that I go for the risk assessments if it would put my mind at ease and to re-inforce the positivity. He is very happy with everything so far. His receptionist will make an appointment for my nuchal scan in the next 4 and half weeks. I'll be going to the doctor that did the more advanced scans for James. I really like her and I'm very comfortable with her so I'm really glad that she'll be doing the nuchal scan.

He's pushed my next appointment with him as far as possible so that he could do another test which can only be done at that stage. Another thing I love about him, he's economical. He doesn't try and book you for a million appointments unnecessarily to make money off you. His business is very obviously booming. My next appointment with him is 24 August.

So there is my huge news! I'm so glad I can finally talk about it!

I will see if Jubba is in a good mood tomorrow. Maybe he'll scan in the pictures of our jelly bean for you to see :)

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)

Fame

The Leo in me hungers for fame and attention, although I am not necessarily a spotlight seeker. Because I have low self esteem I don't flaunt the way I think I might if I were thinner circumstances were different.

When you fall pregnant, you become a celebrity in your own right. Suddenly everybody is interested in you...your blog stats will go up. That's for sure. People constantly want to know how you are...even if you growl at them when they ask because you feel like throwing up on your keyboard. People constantly give you gifts for the baby (I got more gifts for the baby on my birthday last year than I got for myself). Hell...people even throw a party for you near the end. All in all it really makes you feel special and cared about.

I miss that. Every woman gets her 15 minutes of fame this way. Sometimes the attention is probably unwanted. Perhaps she is a mistress, not a partner. Perhaps she is still a child herself...but attention she will have.

I am in a place in my life where the attention was most welcome. My family was overjoyed and announced the news to one and all. Colleagues were happy for me. Friends were happy for me. I am married, so there is no scandal. In fact, it is expected.

I think next time I am pregnant I'll keep it quiet until we're sure everything is OK. Everyone knowing last time turned out not to be such a good thing.

Other than that my cycle still has not started. Only 1 day late so far. It's probably still out of whack from the pregnancy. I need to be patient with this. In fact...I think I need to stop trying so hard. It's so difficult to put it out of my mind when it is something I think about so often on a daily basis. As Wenchy said, I should try to see it as a journey - not as a destination. I am definitely getting better with time. I am not nearly as anxious as I was last month and my stomach isn't in a knot every time I go to the loo.

I DO hate waiting though. Not just for this, for anything. I try to be as punctual as possible and hate waiting for people. My Evil Mother is one who is always late for everything. I think it's disrespectful to be late. It shows you have no regard for the other person's time. It drives me nuts. I'll forgive Mother Nature this time around though since I want something from her. Yeah I know. Love me. Double standards and all.

UPDATE

*blush* One of my male colleagues sent me an e-mail to tell me I look nice today. That was a bit of a ego boost, then another colleague walked up to me and said he was looking at my eyes peeking over the cubicle partition and he thought 'Who is this babe?' then decided to come and tell me about it. What's going on?!

Crazy time

When I got into work this morning I was feeling really grim. I was upset and moody and depressed. Perfect week for this kind of cheer.

I usually work from 7am - 4pm. This week I was suckered into working 9am - 6pm. Any other week I would have worked around it and not complained much, but the way in which it came about made me mad. We only require one staff member to work the 9 - 6 shift. Last week two team members worked the shift (unnecessarily) so that they would be able to say they've 'had their turn' when it came to the week before Christmas and would wash their hands of the shift. They're both guys by the way. I have so much preparation to do for Christmas and family are making demands on my time as well (I'm sure other women can relate). How on earth am I supposed to get done if I only get home from work at almost 7pm?! I still have to collect gifts from family members, do My Evil Mother's hair for her and go and buy stuff for the trifle I have to make! *panics*

Finally I spoke to Jubba (he's been in a festive mood for around a week now, it's lovely) and he said it's not necessary for me to work this shift this work, so I'll be reverting back to 7 - 4 tomorrow. I'm overjoyed!(It's only 3 days anyway)

I'm feeling a bit down and frustrated today. I get frazzled like this when I'm stressed out, but things usually work out for the best.

I think I might feel a bit down since Rudi and I were supposed to start trying to get pregnant already and we just haven't gotten around to it. There is probably still time, but there's such a small window you have to squeeze through to get pregnant and I don't want to accidentally 'miss it'. That being said...I said I wouldn't rush things and have no idea when I ovulate anyway. We thought we'd just try every second day and see what happens. Just got to get started!

At least I can drink to relieve my tension!

I want..wait...I don't know what I want

I'm still sore today. I don't know whether to be concerned or not. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong. It does feel slightly better than yesterday though, so I'm going to put it off for another day.

I feel like I might still be in a state of shock. Denial. I haven't had a proper cycle since we lost the baby. I think that it will hit me all over again when it comes. It will make everything real again. It will make me 'definitely NOT pregnant'. Sometimes I still feel movements in my lower belly (most likely just wind), but it feels like it felt when James first started moving and for a split second it's like he is not gone, then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks all over again. On the other hand if it doesn't come there might be something wrong, or I might be pregnant again (not impossible, but likely? I don't know.)

I really, really want to be pregnant again, but I am also very afraid of it. Afraid of the prospect and possibilities of complications and having to go through all of this again. I know I can't think like that. I know I need to be positive and trust in God that our baby will be healthy, but as a human being it is difficult for me to trust God unconditionally right now. Last night we heard in service that God will hold his children against his bosom through difficult circumstances and the evangelist that took the service told me he hopes the word helped a little bit last night. It is so indescribably difficult to have faith and trust after what we've been through.

Now I am afraid of what Monday will bring. Either way it's bad news for me emotionally. I tried to phone the doctor's office to find out if I should expect my cycle within the normal cycle length after the womb scrape, but there was no answer. I tried again later and the receptionist said that it should take about 4 weeks for my cycle to start after the womb scrape, but that it could take a bit longer. She said that the pain I am experiencing may be ovulation pains (Where is Rudi when I need him?! Definitely going to get busy tonight, just in case.) Tomorrow it will be exactly a month since I had the womb scrape, so hopefully my cycle will kick in when it's supposed to, unless I'm pregnant again.

I'm so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I can't help but think we'll be happy when we're pregnant again...worried, but happy. I could do with a little happiness right now.

Doctor's Bills...AAAAAARGH!!!!

Here's a tip. Don't ever open a doctors bill in the morning. I received the pathologist bills that I have been waiting for and hastily opened them this morning so that I could pay them as soon as possible.

Imagine those cartoon characters that have their eyes popping out of their socket. Oh. My. Fuck. The bill is almost DOUBLE what I anticipated. To be exact the bill for the pathologist is R5649.30. Can you say 'Payment Arrangement'?

I gave them a call and they agreed that I can pay them off over 12 months which is around R475.00 a month. That, at least, is manageable.

Rudi thinks I'm pregnant again because I'm irritable. Last time he identified my pregnancy by the amount I was eating. I don't feel sick or anything and I guess my next period will only come around December. I'm not sure exactly how to work it out, but my cycle is usually 32 days and if I calculate from the date of the termination then I am due 7 December. It's not impossible that I am pregnant, but I'm not going to get excited. I've been under a lot of pressure at work as we have HUGE problems and are trying to wade through PILES of complaints. Nobody is even going to the loo today (yet somehow I'm finding time to blog) because we are so swamped.

One of my colleagues was admitted to hospital yesterday. She's been coughing a lot for a long time and we kept on telling her to go to the doctor, but she kept putting it off. Yesterday Jubba told her to leave work and go to the hospital. The latest news is that she has blood clots on her lungs and that she is diabetic. I remember how devastated I was at the possibility of being diabetic, I hope she is OK.

I have stopped writing this post for about 4 hours because we're so freaking busy. I have to get my work up to date...no time to dawdle on blogger!

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I've always like him...I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He's a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It's nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent...and now I'm not. I was going to be a mother...and now I'm not. My entire life was going to change...and now it hasn't. There was all this expectation and build up...and now...nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don't mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'll have two. I've also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say 'I've always wanted to be pregnant, I've just never wanted a baby', because that's exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say "I want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant", because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I've become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn't set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I'm helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!

Medical Aid Rip-Off

So here we are. Halfway through the week already. I didn't cry yesterday for the first time since we found out about the problems with our baby. I did still have to bite back some tears, but I didn't burst into them. Going to sit at the hospital on Monday is going to be tedious and frustrating, yet I can't wait. I think we'll pack something to eat and I'll try to take a book along. We'll go as early as possible to try and secure a seat somewhere near the front of the line. I also still have to open a folder at the hospital since I've never been there before.

Once all of this is over I want to change my medical aid. Discovery is a total rip off. We pay around R1700.00 a month. Since about two months ago Rudi and I have been paying our doctors bills out of our own pocket as our medical savings are depleted. We get about R4000.00 medical savings a year from which we need to claim any doctors appointments, medicine, dental appointments and optometrist appointments. Basically they don't cover any of these things, everything has to come from your medical savings. Even the amniocentesis (which is around R3000.00) needs to come out of your medical savings. Had the amniocentesis happened at the beginning of the year we would have needed to cover basically all our medical costs out of our own pocket for the rest of the year. I need to go to the optometrist at least once a year for an eye test and have to buy contact lenses. That already takes a big chunk out of my medical savings. You're supposed to see the dentist once every six months. Rudi and I went to the dentist once this year, both of us had our teeth cleaned and about 1 filling. That cost R2000.00. After that we were pretty much screwed. I got a throat infection when I was about 3 months pregnant - R500 for the doctor and the medicine I required. Neither Rudi or I are sickly people and we don't require to go to the doctor often, but after all the required treatment (optometrist and dentist) we can't afford to get sick. So what am I paying R1700.00 a month for? In case I end up in hospital basically.

The Company have just approved a new medical aid. Bonnita's medical fund. There are a few staff members who are already part of this scheme and I think I will definitely look into changing as soon as we have definite answers about the baby.

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.

Amniocentesis

(Got the correct spelling from the doctor's bill)

I just went in for the amniocentesis. It didn't really hurt. There was more discomfort than pain. The specialist really is a lovely doctor. We should have the results of any major defects by Friday and I will be advised further then. The doctor only charged me R200.00 today. She didn't charge me any consultation fees, although I took up enough time for an entire appointment. The only thing she charged me for was the drawing of the amniotic fluid. Bless her.

She was able to see a few things better today. She can't really see that the spine closes properly at the bottom. She said the heart looks properly formed - all four chambers. The feet are still very obviously not formed correctly and it seems that the calves are under developed. She said the cerebellum looks like it has formed properly, but the head is slightly 'lemon' shaped which indicates that there might be a problem. She mentioned spina bifida today and has included it in the tests she requires by Friday. I heard her mark the tests as urgent.

She said on the one hand you hope the tests will answer some questions, but practically all answers are bad news. On the other hand if you don't have answers...you still don't have answers. If the results of the tests rule most things out we will have to see what happens as the pregnancy develops.

I have received so much love and support. My family has been there for me, the church has been there for me and my friends have come through for me too. Leebeesa spoke to my supervisor who has spoken to our teams about my situation. She said he said very little, but it had the maximum effect. She said the reaction was concerned, but respectful. I was supposed to work this weekend, but apparently my team has made alternative arrangements to help me out. Bless them.

The ladies at Your Parenting Community (clickable badge on the right) have also poured out love, support and prayers.

I still feel like this is going to be very, very difficult...but all the love and support we are receiving has overwhelmed me and I feel like I can get through this. Whatever the outcome.

Thank you, everyone, for everything. You will never know what it means to me. I love you all.

Our baby is not OK

We were literally counting the days to yesterday's gynae appointment. We were so excited to find out the sex of our baby and couldn't wait to hear the news. We didn't realize the devastation we would experience.

The gynae was scanning and seemed to be struggling to see whether it was a boy or a girl. He was sighing and seemed uneasy. I thought he was just a little annoyed because he was struggling to see. I didn't know that he was probably mentally preparing himself to deliver the bad news. In our first appointment we discussed going for the assessment scan to check for birth defects and down syndrome, etc. He classified us in the 'low risk' category because we didn't have a family history of birth defects and because I'm under 35. While he was scanning me he asked me if I had thought about it and I said that I'd decided to go for the 22 week scan to check that everything is OK. It was then that he broke the news. He said the baby's feet didn't look right and that he wanted to send us to the specialist immediately to check as he didn't want to leave it too long. The specialist is just across the road and agreed to squeeze us in between appointments. The gynae had already mentioned it looks like the baby has a club foot. Of course I freaked out.

In the waiting room at the specialist I cried and cried...we waited for quite a while. Once we went in, she confirmed that both feet are severely deformed. She also told us that we're expecting a little girl (the gynae was unable to see). She scanned for a long time...noting other things that concerned her. Club foot can be isolated, but is usually an indication that there is something else wrong, usually a chromosomal abnormality. She mentioned Trisome 18 which is a very serious condition that babies do not live through. Most that have that condition die in utero. She also noted that the abdomen looked enlarged and that she could see bowel loops that she is not accustomed to seeing so early on. She was also uncertain of the spine as there seemed to be a hole, which may also have been a shadow cast by another bone (club foot can also be related to a hole in the spine). She recommended that we go for an amnio (where they extract amniotic fluid from the gestational sac) so that we can make an informed decision about whether or not to have the baby. We heard her heartbeat.

The amnio costs around R3000.00 and is inconclusive. The thorough test takes about 3 and a half weeks by which time it may be too late to terminate if something serious is found wrong. The shortcut takes 3 - 4 days, but will only show very serious chromosomal abnormalities.

I am devastated. I am so broken inside and I am not coping. I can't find anyone to blame and I don't know who to direct my anger towards. The specialist assured me that there was nothing that either Rudi or I did that could have caused this. This was simply the luck of the draw. She went as far as to say that even smoking TIK (meth) would not have caused this kind of thing to happen. I don't understand why this is happening to us. If this baby was not meant to be, why put the decision on our conscience? I am so scared and so conflicted. I can't even think of words to describe how I feel.

We already know for certain that the baby will need more than one surgery to correct her feet. Our little girl is going to need surgery and special care. We were already worried about who is going to look after her once I have to go back to work...now she will need special care that we probably can't afford.

I have been considering termination - as much as I will be persecuted for that. I love my baby and I don't want her to die. Just the thought of what will happen if we decide to terminate makes me hysterical. The thought of the process. The thought of my living, breathing child being removed from me and dying an undignified death. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to curl up and forget all about this. I want it to go away. I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. I want to press the reset button and start over. There is no easy way out.

We have around 3 weeks to decide what is going to happen. I can't do this. Either way...whether we decide to have the baby or not there is a long and difficult road ahead of us. I am scared shitless. I can't stop crying. I've had to take out my contact lenses and wear my glasses (which I haven't touched in years) because I'm always crying. I used to be happy when she moved. Now I don't know how to feel.

Rudi has been very supportive. He stayed with me off work yesterday. He had to go back to work today though. His boss is an ass. I need him so much right now. Having him with me comforts me a great deal. He said he will support whatever decision I make, but I can tell he wants to fight for her. This morning he was in thought and I asked him what he was thinking. He was thinking of the flags that they hang outside the hospital to indicate how many girls and boys had been born that day. Yesterday there were only pink flags. Only girls. I can only hope and pray that this doesn't interfere in our marriage, that our relationship is strong enough to survive this. I'm sure it is, but if something like this can happen to us...anything can happen. I cannot lose him as well. I will die. I do not want him to resent me in the future if we do not have this baby. Oh God...WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?

I didn't go in to work today. I couldn't face people. I can't face the questions. I cannot even face the situation myself. I've been wondering if I should send out an e-mail to explain what is going on so that I wouldn't have to answer the questions. I have already received SMS messages asking if I'm OK. Everybody knew I was going to the gynae yesterday and everybody must have assumed by now that something is very wrong.

As is custom in our church I consulted our religious leaders about the situation. My house priest called upon our district elder to come and see us last night. The advice of the district elder was to have the amnio done and let the doctors guide us. He said we will have to decide what is best for the child. The doctors will be able to tell us about the quality of life the child might have pending the outcome of the tests.

I'll have to phone and make another appointment to have the amnio done.

My little trip to the doctor already cost me R900.00 yesterday. If I can't even afford the investigation...how am I going to afford the outcome?

How do you say goodbye to someone that you love with all your heart and have never met?

How am I going to make it through this?

Mother?

Blogger is still not allowing me to add photos :( I've uploaded the photo of the TV stand on Flickr, so if you'd like to see it you can by following this link:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/2944059256_a579bae255.jpg?v=0

I had an interesting revelation last night. I have a human being inside of me. I was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone I know was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone in the WORLD was once what this little baby is.

I have a PERSON growing inside of me. It's so...ALIENS. It's...mind boggling really. While I was thinking about all of this I realized that I'm going to be someone's MOTHER. I know that this kind of realization hits every pregnant women at some point...it's so...so...overwhelming! How am I possibly qualified to raise someone to be a decent human being? I don't suppose anyone is qualified per se...or that people know how to do this any better than I do in the beginning, but it's quite daunting.

I'm going to have to be responsible. I'm going to have someone else completely dependant on me 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I'm not going to be able to go out and let my hair down completely without worrying about the little one back home. I can't put off/call off this change. I can't postpone it. It's happening in a little over four months whether or not I like it. Hectic.

I'm a little worried about Rudi. He has had a cough for the last week or so and this morning he said there was blood in his phlegm. His nose is also really sore and raw on the inside. He's been self medicating since the medical aid is depleted, but I'm afraid he might have to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better and I KNOW the doctor is going to send him for chest x-rays, etc.

I suppose you can't put a price on your health hey.

Baked

Unfortunately I don't mean that I'm stoned*, I mean I actually baked. There were some old bananas in the fridge so the idea to bake a banana loaf crept into my mind yesterday. I was off, so I managed to dig out my baking utensils and blow off all the dust and cobwebs that had gathered. Surprisingly enough I had all the required ingredients, I just didn't have the baking tins. Rudi made a turn by his mother after work and she gave me her two new baking tins (small loaf tins).

The smell eminating from our place last night was absolutely divine! Rudi went out to buy electricity at some points and when he came back he said he was able to smell it from downstairs. I baked two small loaves. They are delicious! I might even be inspired to bake some more! Rudi has been nagging for us to bake some kind of bread for a couple of weeks now already. Now he wants onion and feta bread. Perhaps I've started something I might regret :)

Other than that the pregnancy is moving along rather inconspicuously. My skin is awfully dry and I tend to itch. I've been putting on some cocoa butter oil after showering that seems to have helped for some parts of me. I have bio oil, but I hate slathering it on. *shudder* I'm not particularly phased by stretch marks since I already have them, but the itching is driving me nuts.

A colleague said to me today that someone told him to tell me that I don't need to dress in baggy clothes since my stomach isn't showing yet. Of course he wouldn't say who told him this. Weird thing is that I am still wearing my old clothes. I'm not wearing 'new' clothes or 'maternity' clothes. I know you can't see my stomach yet (just the old one that was there before) and I'm not consciously dressing to hide it. Not more than I was before anyway. People can be silly.

Another colleague has announced their pregnancy. It really seems like there's something in the air. There are at least 3 people at work and 3 people outside of work that I know of that are currently expecting.

I'm super excited about my next gynae appointment. We should be finding out the sex of the baby then. 19 days to go!

*Oh shut up. I know I can't get stoned.

This and That

The baby movements seem to have died down a bit now. I still feel it every now and then, but it's not nearly as it's 'supposed' to be yet. I think it's still a bit early for kicking. It just feels like the baby is stretching. I'm feeling a lot better than I initially was. I still feel nauseous sometimes, but not all the time. I am also eating better which is a relief. I still don't enjoy food like I used to...but that may really not be a bad thing. I still constantly have a horrid taste in my mouth and I've been chowing Mint Imperials to alleviate that.

It's Sarah's 21st on Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing how all the arrangements turn out, but have no idea what to buy for her! It's the first time she's celebrating a birthday since we've been friends and it's a big one. She's given me ideas of things she wants/needs so I have quite a broad scope. I really hope she likes whatever I choose.

I had a chest of drawers which was seriously falling apart. Somehow the drawers wouldn't fit into the shell anymore and kept collapsing. The entire structure was basically useless. I didn't know of anyone who could fix it and was going to throw the whole thing away. We've been pricing a new set for quite a while and they seem to go for an average of about R2 000. Eventually I chatted to my grandfather about it and he told me I should take it through to his brother. He chatted to his brother and he agreed to have a go at it as carpentry is a hobby of his. Over the weekend he let us know that he was done and we could come pick it up.

The chest of drawers looks as good as new and all the drawers fit in rather nicely! He said it wasn't too big a job. I bought him a box of chocolate as a small gesture of appreciation (I ran this by my grandfather first), turns out he's diabetic. Next time I'll ask my grandmother about his family, she seems to know more than him.

I received a formal invitation to My Evil Mother's wedding. She wants me to take photos. I agreed to take pictures for her. She can consider it my gift.

Movements

I have been feeling 'flutters' if I can describe it that way for a little while. Mostly for a little bit in the evening. On Tuesday I felt it for the first time at work. Yesterday I felt it as soon as I woke up and on and off during the day.

It is rather a cool feeling. Only a feeling that the baby and I share at the moment though. I can tell Rudi that the baby is moving, but he can't feel it yet so all he can say is 'Oh'.

We had a chilled out public holiday. We didn't really do anything. We wanted to go car shopping, but by the time we got to the dealers they were already closed. We managed to do all the washing as the housekeeper doesn't work public holidays and Rudi made a potjie (a kind of stew on the fire made in a black pot) for himself. I don't like potjie. Never have. He craves for it every now and then, so he'll make it for himself and perhaps some friends.

The reason we were going car shopping was to see if it would be possible to trade my car in for a four door car, possibly something with a bigger boot. My little two door car might prove challenging once the baby has arrived. Especially if I have a Cesarean and won't be able to bend into awkward positions. We might have to go for a second hand car, which would suck because I bought my car new, because of the likely price difference. I only have 38 000km on my car at the moment which is a really good low mileage. I hope to get a good trade in amount, but my expectations are not very high.

I'm seriously not looking forward to working this weekend :( I'm so tired most of the time that I'm not up to much. What I am looking forward to is Sarah's party next week Friday. I'm sure it's going to be fun, even though I won't be able to dance much or drink.

Strange Dream

The strangest thing happened to me this morning. I had a dream that I was in a classroom, heavily pregnant. I was sitting eating melted chocolate out of my chocolate fondue bowl. I was paying attention to the teacher, but had no clue what he was talking about. Even though there were around 50 other students in the classroom, I could tell he didn't like me. As if he disapproved of me being there.

He then turned and asked me a question. I honestly told him I don't know the answer. He gloated at this and then berated me in front of the class saying this was a 'kindergarten' question (which is really wasn't - it was something to do with history I think). He then asked me how long I had been 'on the rot' (I took this to mean how long had I been pregnant). I woke up from my dream, I was only semi-conscious though and I couldn't help but cry.

My alarm went off shortly after this - my face was still wet from the tears. This man (whom I do not know) had SO upset me over something so stupid that I actually cried.

My hormones must be off the charts!