Birthdays and Movies

Today is My Evil Mother's birthday. Had my grandmother not reminded me in church yesterday morning I would have completely forgotten. That is how disconnected I am from her and her life. I suppose I should get her something. I feel obligated somehow. Not that I bought her something the last two years (just returning the favour since she hasn't bought me gifts for the past 5), but we exchanged gifts at Christmas and I guess this has set the ball rolling again. Her birthday is before mine, as luck would have it.

It's my birthday soon. I have no idea what to do. It's the second consecutive year that I am pregnant, so no drinking or partying for me. Rudi wanted to take me to The Mount where we had our wedding reception, which is a very sweet and romantic idea. I kind of feel like a restaurant would be a bit of a waste though since I'm suddenly very fussy about what I want to eat and risk throwing up my expensive meal or feeling like I want to throw it up. That kind of sucks the fun out of it.

Any suggestions for what I might do?

The weekend was not bad. I managed to scrape through without throwing up, but did feel nauseous most of the time. I managed to schedule in a nap on Saturday and Sunday...but I still didn't want to get up this morning.

Yesterday we went to Canal Walk to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D. I freaking HATE Canal Walk. It's a HUGE shopping center and we got lost trying to find the cinema. We were constantly consulting the maps and still feeling completely lost. The queues for popcorn were really long and Rudi barely made it in before the movie started. The movie was pretty cool. Ice Age seems to be one of those franchises that aren't deteriorating every time they release a movie. We had a good giggle at the fact that the "monster" in the movie was named Rudi :)

I'm really looking forward to watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Leebeesa next Sunday. The reviews are already sounding good!


************SPOILER ALERT****************

If you have not yet watched Knowing with Nicholas Cage and you don't wish to know how it ends, stop reading now. I warned you.

I really enjoyed the idea of the movie. I liked the 'puzzle' aspect of it...and the supernatural feeling it had to it...but then there were aliens. I'm not so much into sci-fi so didn't find that part interesting or well thought out in the least. Personally I don't think I could think of a better way to end it, but I think there was potential there for a fantastic ending. When I was under the impression that just the two main character's children were being taken I wondered about the inbred race they would spawn, so I was relieved to see other pods or spaceships or whatever taking off from the planet earth.

I liked the way they chose to end the world. BOOM.

I also found it a bit confusing when Caleb (son of Nicholas Cage's character) started writing down the numbers. This would lead me to believe that the numbers don't necessarily 'run out' and that he is perhaps predicting further events. I found that small part a little bit contradicting.

But I'm no movie critic! Let me know what you thought!

Bleugh

I'm really trying my best not to write an entire rant about Jubba. I will refrain. I must be zen. I must not let him get to me. Breath in. Breath out. In. Out.

Right. So Rudi and I are also going to watch The Knowing with Nicholas Cage on Saturday. The trailer looks really good, but I've heard whispers on Twitter that the ending is a disappointment.

I'm probably being quite optimistic with all my weekend plans, considering the all day sickness seems to be getting worse at the moment, but I can't stop my life.

***Later***

Just barfed at work. That's a first. Usually my system doesn't allow me to barf in public. I do feel a bit better though. My lunch is almost over and I haven't had anything to eat yet. I thought I could have plain salted popcorn, but they didn't have. Leebeesa gave me two provitas. So sweet of her.

Anyway. Hoping Jubba stays out of my way for the rest of the day and that I get enough rest this weekend. I certainly need it.

*MAJOR YAWN*

*yawn* I am so tired I feel like my head is going to fall off. This morning I rushed to get ready and then crawled back into bed for 10 minutes. I would SO much rather have stayed in bed and slept. Keeping in mind that I've been working for 11 days straight now. That doesn't help. *yawn*

It doesn't look like sleeping late will be forthcoming this weekend. On Saturday I have to go and renew my car license...it expired on the 30th of June already and I'm already into my 21 day grace period. Then at 11:30 I have a hair appointment.

Sunday morning will be church and on Sunday afternoon we're going to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D with Beauty Queen, SLK and a bunch of their friends. Quite looking forward to that.

Weekends are too short dammit. Three days. Is that too much to ask? I'll still give four full days to my employer. Just ONE more weekend day. Either that or I should have become a construction worker or doctor. With all the strikes going on at the moment I would have been granted some time off.

Going to bed at early doesn't seem to help much either, although Rudi decided it was more important for him to go out and watch darts last night than to spend time with me, so he did wake me up when he got home and then I had heartburn so struggled to get back to sleep. I'm actually quite annoyed with him for going, but what can you do? I suppose he needs some time away from me as well. Hmph.

So I'm 9 weeks today. The appointment for my nuchal scan was made for 7 August 09:00. I will probably be anxious and nervous before this scan as it will be done with high definition scanning equipment and this is where we'll get our first indications of what exactly is happening inside me at the moment. My ticker says our baby has fingers and toes already...so we'll most likely be able to see a whole lot more by the time 7 August rolls around *fret*

Ok. Enough of that.

I'm going to have a nap on my desk.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Feeling better

Well I finally seem to be getting over that cold that was plaguing me last week. Thank fork! It was really getting me down and I pray I don't get ill AGAIN this winter. Only problem is I seem to have passed my germs on to Rudi. He is *not* impressed. I said to him 'What did you expect me to do? Move out while I'm sick?' I mean really. It's inevitable that we're going to pass germs on to each other!

The weekend was uneventful. I spent most of it in bed nursing my cold with rest. I was also on leave yesterday which I spent doing as little as possible. I watched quite a few episodes of NCIS (Naval Criminal Investigation Services). Very cool programme. I've watched almost 3 seasons.

I did receive my Body Thrills products in the mail on Friday (finally). Stupid post office had delayed it as they were unsure of the contents (apparently they wondered whether they were flammable). I received what I had ordered, but apparently I had forgotten about a lot of what I had ordered and was pleasantly surprised at my loot. Rudi even dipped into my Chocolate Pudding lip balm - so unlike him!

I wish I could change my blog theme to purple, but there doesn't seem to be anything that I like in the template section. I don't think I should fiddle with the HTML! There are a few small changes coming up on my blog VERY soon...so do come back and check. You won't be sorry :)

*YAWN*

In the past few days I have considered starting a separate blog, but have put the idea to bed. I can barely cope with regularly blogging here...I couldn't cope with two. I could perhaps write a guest entry on another blog, but not a daily blog as the second one would be. How on earth does Angel manage her 3 blogs?! So I've decided to keep it at just one blog.

My working weekend is this weekend, plus I'm working the public holiday (alone!) next week. So I'll probably be stuck at work all day on Tuesday :( SUCK. Rudi was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of the overtime I'll be earning...but I'm TIRED. Dammit!

I feel like I need a break...yes I know we were just away...but I dream of being a lady of leisure. Wouldn't that be nice?

By the way...I didn't gain any weight this week. Completely slipped my mind to mention it.

Fantabulous

I literally fell out of bed this morning. It was funny, but not really funny at the time so much. I got up, and obviously didn't do it very well and I tipped over against the wall. I righted myself and then tripped over the wires next to my bed. No serious injuries. Not even a bruise, I think. Despite the manner in which I was rudely awoken...I am in a fantastic mood today! I have a vibey song stuck in my head and I can't help shaking "it" every now and then...

I have *no* idea why...but I am not going to complain! I can't remember the last time I felt like this! Positive and happy (even wearing my Clinique Happy today)...just marvellous! I'm obviously also happy because it's Friday and I can finally have a lie in tomorrow morning.

There was a slight 'hiccup' with my bonus calculation. I received a poor score for something I *know* I do properly...Jubba has been investigating for a the last 3 days. This morning we checked together and they were wrong! The report was incorrect and I scored 100% instead of 81%. In your faces! I knew it!

Phew...a lot of "!" for one post :)

No huge plans for the weekend. I'm looking forward to Sarah and Brad's housewarming tomorrow night. We also have a Chief Apostle service on Sunday - which only starts at 10...another little lie in on Sunday then.

We just received free t-shirts from work and mine actually fits. It's definitely my day today. The workload doesn't even look too heavy. I am going to play the lotto today. This lucky streak is too good to waste!

On a side note...I really have to find a better way of organizing my earrings and necklaces:



I thought buying this stand thingie would really help so that my necklaces don't get tangled and knotted (Rudi eventually started refusing to de-tangle and un-knot them)...but I've acquired so many earrings and things in the interim...the above happened. Also, this little stand doesn't hold my stud earrings. Any have a workable idea for me?

Relaxed

I had a relaxed weekend, besides the working part of course. I worked until almost 2PM on Saturday and almost 1pm on Sunday (from 8am). It's not as bad as having to work full day on a weekend, but apparently that might be in the cards...Usually when working a weekend I leave before my colleague does. I simply manage to work faster. We've just been told we have to leave at the same time and help the lagging colleague out if they're not done. I feel that's a tad unfair. Why should I do more work (we split the work evenly) than someone else just because I'm more efficient? *sigh* It seems to be a trend lately. Getting 'punished' for working hard. Or rather having to work harder because you work so hard (and so well) already.

We ended up not going to Fence's party on Saturday. Before you think I was the culprit, Rudi actually decided not to go. Fence was supposed to call him on Saturday and he never did. It's not the first time Fence has faded on him. Rudi invited him fishing last Saturday and he said he had to work, but they should definitely call him when they get back so he can join them for a braai. They tried calling him repeatedly and he never answered or bothered to return the call or send a message. Rudi is quite put off by this fickleness.

So apart from the braai on Friday night we had a relaxed two days at home. My media player is completely busted. I'm so annoyed. No picture comes up on the TV. Luckily the hard drive still picks up when plugged into the laptop, so I haven't lost any information. We checked the cables and the DVD player works with the same cable, so it must be something inside the media player itself. Rudi opened it up and had a look, there are no obvious blow outs, burns or circuits that look busted. Guess we'll have to take it in and have someone look at it. I just hope it doesn't cost the earth. I'm kind of broke right now. Doctor's bills are really killing me.

If anyone was wondering, we switched off for Earth Hour on Saturday night. I could see dark patches in the lights from our balcony. I only saw one house with it's lights on in our complex. I must say that I heard quite a few car alarms go off just after 20:30. They did not switch off the street lights in our complex though, so it was still quite well lit. I saw on the news last night that 400 Mega Watts of electricity were saved in South Africa during Earth Hour. That sounds like a lot and even though a lot of people were very negative about Earth Hour, I think it did well to raise awareness for global warming.

After relaxing the weekend I feel refreshed and ready for the week. I suppose I will start getting tired again around Wednesday. It's not easy working 12 consecutive days.

At my wits end

I’m feeling slightly ill today. I have this burning feeling in my stomach. Maybe it’s because I’m under stress at home. I think that losing our baby has finally caught up to our marriage and even though it’s not what we’re fighting about, I think it might be the underlying reason that is driving a wedge between us. Like Dr. Phil says, people fight about ‘topics’, but never really about the problem itself. Rudi won’t admit this, or maybe I’m wrong.

I basically spent the weekend on my own. On Sunday I went to church and afterwards to my grandfather to help him do something for his boss. We went to the in laws for lunch where I’m usually alone anyway since Rudi is usually cooking or seeing what he can do to fix the pool.

Eventually last night I tried to talk about it. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. The more I tell him that I don’t expect him to give up his friends, I only expect to be considered, the less he seems to understand. All I ask for is some quality time and for him to come home when he says he is going to. This is not a lot to ask, but apparently it is too unreasonable. I had to hear how someone he knows goes away for weekends with his friends. As if I care. I’m not married to that guy!

He told me how his friend’s wives/girlfriends were with them on Friday night and how they didn’t look happy being there, but were there anyway (apparently good wives/girlfriends make sacrifices like this for the people they love). I asked him if that is the type of man he wants to be. The type of man who has a puppy dog following him around miserably and feeling forced to be there; the type of man that makes his wife unhappy.

I am feeling neglected and unimportant. He is feeling trapped and controlled.

He doesn’t understand why I need attention. I don’t understand why he feels controlled and trapped when he has so much freedom.

He doesn’t want to go for counselling. He seems to think that he doesn’t need a ‘head doctor’, but I do. I do not dispute the fact that I could do with some help. He agreed to go if I pay, but I cannot afford it alone.

Suffice to say I am not trying to get pregnant right now.

Facelift

I thought it was time to change the look and feel of my blog a little. I'm liking the new pink, but my banner is KILLING ME!

As you can see, it doesn't fit. Recently I squished it in paint a bit, but it distorted the image, so I canned that.

The image is special to me because it contains pictures of Rudi, me and my family and it was made for me by a friend (he runs the Kuier website).

Can anyone help me either make this thing fit or resizing it to the correct size without distorting it?

I'm really going to try my best to change my mindset. I know that thinking about conceiving all the time really just makes it harder in the end. I need to focus on something else, or throw myself into another challenge to do this. The only thing that I can think of that will sufficiently distract me is weight loss. My mind tends to get very 'one track' when I'm trying to lose weight. Many friends have told me though that it won't be a good idea to try and lose weight if I'm trying to fall pregnant. The things is...losing weight assists with fertility and it would be better for both the baby and myself if I was lighter. My clothes are starting to be too tight to wear and I'm starting to become overly conscious of this again. What to do...what to do.

I was listening to a song by The Script on the radio this morning and it made me think of Rudi and I with this whole situation with the loss of our child.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But those wise words ain't gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's [ed: he's] moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I consumed a bottle of red wine by myself yesterday. It was fun. I think I'll do it again today. Why the hell not? It is weekend, after all.

A little bit of everything

Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.

We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.

The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!

Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.

I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.

I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.

My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.

Not much to report

The exam I wrote yesterday didn't go too badly. I felt I found a lot of the answers. I don't usually stress about tests and exams after I've written them since I can't change the outcome. I've generally been really good about that.

The baby is putting me through my paces again. I stopped taking the tablets that help for the nausea since I was feeling better. It's only once you stop taking them that you realize how much they actually help. I'm feeling like crap again this morning, but hoping they'll kick in and do what they're meant to soon.

We're going to visit Nina with Boogaloo this afternoon. Nina had a baby boy about a month ago. I'm looking forward to meeting him and spending time with a little baby. Get some practice in!

Tomorrow we're having a picnic for (Uncle) Steve since he's going back to Pretoria and he asked that we all get together one last time.

My grandfather is doing really well. I'm actually blogging from his place. Rudi and Crack Head wanted to come and fish in the dam here so I decided to come and spend some time with him.

Other than that not much to report. Hoping to have a nice relaxing weekend.

Crazy

Well...it has been 'proven' that my suspicions were incorrect. Apparently I'm crazy and probably imagining everything. I don't think I'm crazy...and somehow hate for people to think that I am psychotic. I should learn to not care what people think. I really should.

The only reason I'm looking forward to the weekend is because I won't have to come to work. We don't have any plans for the weekend (other than Service for the Departed on Sunday) and I hope I'll actually be able to sleep late, rest and relax.

I'm dead tired and not in the mood for anything. I was crapped out again at work for 'being on the Internet too much'. Bastards. I wonder sometimes if my manager knows what my work applications look like. I wonder if he knows that some of them work within Internet explorer. Maybe he doesn't.

Let me log off before I get fired for crap.

P.S. I'm not comfortable talking about what my suspicion was at the moment, but I might feel better about talking about it at a later stage.

Finally Friday

My baby's paws

It has been a rough and bumpy week at work. I've been swamped and it's been really difficult keeping up. Sometimes I work well under pressure, other times I struggle to cope. The fact that I haven't shot anyone or myself bodes well.

The new product we've launched has my department inundated with queries and there has been a bad vibe at work as well. My colleagues seem to think I'm a suck up because I do what I'm asked by my line manager without grumbling about it or refusing to do it. Last time I check that was called insubordination and my line manager isn't afraid to use that word. Now they seem to think I'm making them look bad because I do my job. Where is the logic?

I went to collect the items I had dropped off for dry cleaning/dyeing/repairs yesterday. The jeans that had the bleach marks on them came back and they look wonderful! They look even better than when I originally bought them. What a bargain! The shoes have the new heels on, which is great. The suede jacket still has the mark on it that I wanted removed. I'm disappointed, but decided to live with it rather than bitch about it. It's a nice jacket, hopefully nobody will notice.

They are replacing our PCs at work today. Usually this would be a joyous occasion, but they are replacing our PCs with machines that have been altered so that we cannot save items on the desktop or use the USB ports. They reckon the PC problems caused in The Company are due to people saving movies, music and applications on their PCs that shouldn't be there. Idiots. Their stupid applications don't work properly, so they look for excuses to nail us. No MSN, no Facebook...what next? No monitor? Just now I see something non work related during the course of my day...

I cannot wait till home time today. I want to relax this weekend and forget about the problems The Company burdens me with all week.

Busy Saturday

It looks like I have been out voted on the hair issue. Every body has said that they prefer me with blonde hair. Who am I to argue with the masses? We live in a democracy, after all. It looks like I will remain blonde and keep on forking out hundreds of rands to remain that way.

It's completely overcast outside and a wonderful day to stay in bed and watch movies. We had an awesome braai (BBQ) with the neighbourhood last night and I actually managed to sleep till 7:50 this morning, which is a nice change. I stayed in bed till about 8:30 and then became industrious and decided to clean up and fix little things that have been nagging at me for a while.

Rudi asked me ages ago to burn a couple of movies on to DVD for a colleague of his and I've just never gotten around to it. We always remember to do it at the most awkward times. The first time I tried to burn it the burning failed for some reason, but I'm retrying it now with my fingers crossed.

I've also cleaned the kitchen (it looked like a bomb had hit it after the braai) and once again realized how grateful I am that I have a dishwasher. Rudi made us some breakfast and was nice enough to clean up his own mess :) Will wonders never cease?

Now I only have a few errands left to run...wrapping the mother's day gifts I bought yesterday, fixing the duvet (which seems to have been put in the duvet cover incorrectly) and putting the electric blanket on the bed. I also wanted to go to the mall to hand in my suede jacket for dry cleaning (which will cost R300!!), my jeans that were accidentally bleached for dyeing and my shoes to have the heels repaired.

Maybe I should stop buggering around and get busy!

Under Construction

I intend to post about the weekend as soon as I get the photos I took uploaded (nothing to get excited about...).

Please excuse the look of the blog right now...It's under construction. I'm trying to get things just right...but clearly I'm struggling a bit.

Thank you for your patience :oP