The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.
This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!
Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.
Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.
Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!
Showing posts with label child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Monday, 01 December 2008
A little bit of everything
Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.
We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.
The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!
Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.
I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.
I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.
My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.
We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.
The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!
Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.
I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.
I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.
My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Spiritual Experiences
The memorial service was held on Sunday after our church service. My mother in law, sister in law, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, My Evil Mother, Rudi and I were all there. My mother in law brought flowers and a slab of chocolate. My aunt and My Evil Mother cried more than I did. It was short and dignified. Since the beginning of all of this I’ve had a few significant spiritual experiences. Some of them are difficult to explain to someone who is not New Apostolic, but I’ll try.
On the day that I was admitted to hospital I received many phone calls from family and friends with words of encouragement and assurances of prayers. My grandfather’s family specifically came through which is strange because they are not particularly close to us. They all told me that they are praying for our protection and Lynne who had to go through the same experience as me told me I will not be alone in the hospital room and that I need to remember that.
As the general wards were full I ended up in a private room and had a small TV in front of my bed. While I was watching TV I saw a reflection which looked exactly like our church’s symbol. Looking behind me I only saw a chain with a triangular shaped handle hanging from it (used by ladies who have had epidurals to assist in turning themselves). This of course does not resemble our church symbol at all, but when reflected in the TV it looked that way, making me feel like I was not alone in the room.
In our faith we take communion at each service (twice a week if you attend both services) and we eat a small wafer while partaking in the sacrament. The communion is served by priests who take the wafers out of silver cups and put the wafer into your hands. As the priests do this they attempt to separate any wafers they feel might be stuck together, so if you receive two wafers it almost always has a significant meaning. For instance, the first time I partook of communion after I found out I was pregnant I received two wafers instead of one, which indicated God’s acknowledgement of my baby to me. On Sunday our rector (who had been specifically moved back to our congregation even though he was booked somewhere else so that he could perform the memorial) served communion. It is the first time I have ever seen him do so. He happened to be placed in front of the block where I was sitting. Someone happened to skip him while going up for communion which resulted in him serving me with communion. He said he picked up the wafer and tried to separate them as they normally would and couldn’t. When he looked up I was standing in front of him. After I received the wafer I also looked down at it as I noticed it was much thicker than usual and the two wafers were stuck together as if glued that way. Both the rector and I felt that the chain of events leading up to this was a sign that our baby was also now partaking of Holy Communion in his place of rest, may he rest in peace.
I have been spending a lot of time with my grandparents while I have been off. Before I went to hospital I could not be alone with all the uncertainty and questions floating about in my head I was in a permanent state and needed to be around my loved ones to keep me calm and sane. I would sit howling on my own driving myself crazy. My grandfather being on chemo also appreciated the company. On a number of occasions my grandfather asked me if I had seen the movie ‘Evan Almighty’ and I kept telling him that I hadn’t. Yesterday I was there for the first time since we lost James and he asked me the question again. For some reason I asked him if he would put it on for me. I had what Oprah might call an ‘Aha’ moment while watching it yesterday and felt like it contained something that I desperately needed to hear. At some point Samuel L. Jackson (who portrays God in the movie) says ‘When someone prays for patience, God gives them an opportunity to be patient. If someone prays for courage, God gives them an opportunity to be courageous’, this telling me that God does not put circumstances in our way to break our spirit, but to strengthen us in ways we never thought possible. I have an opportunity, I just need to figure out what the opportunity is.
I really needed to start interpreting the situation a little differently and turning all the negativity that had been in my head into something positive. I thought it so strange that I have never lost a friend or family member close to me to death. Now I have lost a child, much closer than anyone else could have been. Perhaps this will prepare me for circumstances I will face in the future which I could not have faced before. Perhaps God wants me to appreciate and shower with love and care the healthy baby I will be provided. Honestly before I fell pregnant I did not want a baby. Now I want nothing more. I will take no chances next time. I will not look at any medication. I will lie over the toilet for months, suffer through infection, and do what I need to do, but take no chances with our next child.
I do not know how long we will wait before we try again. We may just wait out the year and start trying again next year. The gynae wanted to see me again in February. Perhaps we will wait for that check up.
I realize that this has been quite a religious entry, but I needed to express my spiritual experiences. I needed to record them because I do not want to forget exactly how I felt when these things happened to me. It is so easy to lose perspective which is why I blog. Reading back on past experiences sometimes just gives you the perspective you need to be in a better emotional place in your life when you forget how blessed you are.
On the day that I was admitted to hospital I received many phone calls from family and friends with words of encouragement and assurances of prayers. My grandfather’s family specifically came through which is strange because they are not particularly close to us. They all told me that they are praying for our protection and Lynne who had to go through the same experience as me told me I will not be alone in the hospital room and that I need to remember that.
As the general wards were full I ended up in a private room and had a small TV in front of my bed. While I was watching TV I saw a reflection which looked exactly like our church’s symbol. Looking behind me I only saw a chain with a triangular shaped handle hanging from it (used by ladies who have had epidurals to assist in turning themselves). This of course does not resemble our church symbol at all, but when reflected in the TV it looked that way, making me feel like I was not alone in the room.
In our faith we take communion at each service (twice a week if you attend both services) and we eat a small wafer while partaking in the sacrament. The communion is served by priests who take the wafers out of silver cups and put the wafer into your hands. As the priests do this they attempt to separate any wafers they feel might be stuck together, so if you receive two wafers it almost always has a significant meaning. For instance, the first time I partook of communion after I found out I was pregnant I received two wafers instead of one, which indicated God’s acknowledgement of my baby to me. On Sunday our rector (who had been specifically moved back to our congregation even though he was booked somewhere else so that he could perform the memorial) served communion. It is the first time I have ever seen him do so. He happened to be placed in front of the block where I was sitting. Someone happened to skip him while going up for communion which resulted in him serving me with communion. He said he picked up the wafer and tried to separate them as they normally would and couldn’t. When he looked up I was standing in front of him. After I received the wafer I also looked down at it as I noticed it was much thicker than usual and the two wafers were stuck together as if glued that way. Both the rector and I felt that the chain of events leading up to this was a sign that our baby was also now partaking of Holy Communion in his place of rest, may he rest in peace.
I have been spending a lot of time with my grandparents while I have been off. Before I went to hospital I could not be alone with all the uncertainty and questions floating about in my head I was in a permanent state and needed to be around my loved ones to keep me calm and sane. I would sit howling on my own driving myself crazy. My grandfather being on chemo also appreciated the company. On a number of occasions my grandfather asked me if I had seen the movie ‘Evan Almighty’ and I kept telling him that I hadn’t. Yesterday I was there for the first time since we lost James and he asked me the question again. For some reason I asked him if he would put it on for me. I had what Oprah might call an ‘Aha’ moment while watching it yesterday and felt like it contained something that I desperately needed to hear. At some point Samuel L. Jackson (who portrays God in the movie) says ‘When someone prays for patience, God gives them an opportunity to be patient. If someone prays for courage, God gives them an opportunity to be courageous’, this telling me that God does not put circumstances in our way to break our spirit, but to strengthen us in ways we never thought possible. I have an opportunity, I just need to figure out what the opportunity is.
I really needed to start interpreting the situation a little differently and turning all the negativity that had been in my head into something positive. I thought it so strange that I have never lost a friend or family member close to me to death. Now I have lost a child, much closer than anyone else could have been. Perhaps this will prepare me for circumstances I will face in the future which I could not have faced before. Perhaps God wants me to appreciate and shower with love and care the healthy baby I will be provided. Honestly before I fell pregnant I did not want a baby. Now I want nothing more. I will take no chances next time. I will not look at any medication. I will lie over the toilet for months, suffer through infection, and do what I need to do, but take no chances with our next child.
I do not know how long we will wait before we try again. We may just wait out the year and start trying again next year. The gynae wanted to see me again in February. Perhaps we will wait for that check up.
I realize that this has been quite a religious entry, but I needed to express my spiritual experiences. I needed to record them because I do not want to forget exactly how I felt when these things happened to me. It is so easy to lose perspective which is why I blog. Reading back on past experiences sometimes just gives you the perspective you need to be in a better emotional place in your life when you forget how blessed you are.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
~~Our Precious James~~
Posts
