Next week will be exciting!

I’m feeling slightly better today. I managed to get in another good night’s rest last night after taking my last sleeping tablet. I just called the doctor and the receptionist has said she will ask him to call me back. He’s only in until 11AM today and I only called him around 10:30, so I hope he gets around to calling me back and will write a prescription for me. I’m also really hungry all the time, which is something the doctor did warn me about, but I’m doing my best to keep that under control with sheer will power. As if I have a lot of that. I am just trying to keep my 9kg loss in mind and hoping I don’t mess it up! I’ve brought my water with to work and already finished more than half of it. I can’t exercise as yet…my cough is still lingering and I become tired and short of breath very easily, so I’ll keep that on the back burner for a while.

I finished my antibiotics and no longer seem to need any pain medication as my muscle aches have subsided to an acceptable level. I still reach for the cough mixture or inhaler every now and then, but I’m using these less and less. Now if my appetite would subside, I could sleep like I need to and I could have my energy back I would once again be a happy camper.

Yesterday I intended to make a few lists. A shopping list, a list of things to be packed when we go to George next weekend…eventually I decided to make a list of lists I need to make, but as you may have noticed yesterday was a write off for me. I need to make a list of things to pack for George because I always end up forgetting *something* important. When I told Rudi I want to make a shopping list he said ‘We need everything’. No we don’t! I want to make a list of everything we specifically need plus a few items like a new electric toothbrush I want for myself.

Two more things have me excited. On Monday when I get paid I will be paying off the pathologist bill that I would only have finished paying in November had I stuck to the scheduled payments. After paying almost R2500.00 in the last two months the outstanding balance is less than R900.00. I will also be paying off everything *I* owe on my second credit card. I will be DEBT FREE save my car and our new TV (of which I am only paying half – around R2500.00.

What will I do to celebrate? I’m going to get my new tattoo. I’m pretty sure I’ll have enough money left over once I’ve paid everything. I’ve decided to have the following one done below the butterfly I already have on my right shoulder (it will be between 5 and 6 centimetres across):



I know the starting price for tatoos where I will have it done is R350.00. I think they will most likely charge around R500.00 to do it for me as it's not huge and not very intricate. I'm not sure if they will ask an extra fee because the design is not their own, but they shouldn't. I'll most likely only have it done when we return from George after next weekend.

I can't wait! Pay day, freedom from debt, a trip to George and then my tattoo!

A good nights rest - Priceless

I'm back at work today, with no impending doctor's visit.

I took a sleeping pill last night and slept like a baby! When I woke up this morning I felt like a NEW PERSON. I never realized what a huge impact sleep deprevation had on me. Last night I still felt very weak and felt like I didn't even have enough energy to raise my arm, let alone myself. Even Rudi was taken aback by how chirpy I was this morning. If he could tell the difference and actually commented on it - it's vast! I'm still coughing quite a bit today, but I'm hoping that this is just my body ridding itself of whatever is left on my lungs.

Speaking of noticing differences...I'm SO happy that I've lost 9kg, but I really still feel like I look the same as I did 9kg ago. Wenchy wrote about the same kind of thing. She's lost over 20kg already, but didn't feel like it was making a difference to her appearance. I know that I must look better, but I really don't see it myself. Nobody really comments on my weight loss anymore since all the people I see I see almost every day. I'm sure if I ran into someone I haven't seen for 3 months they'd say 'WOW'.

I can't believe that we are going to George next weekend already! We've been planning and waiting for so long now that it seems impossible that the time has arrived! I spoke to Nellie this morning and they are just as excited! I'm working this weekend so it will be a lovely break!

-1kg

I’ve been booked off work again today. Hopefully it will be the last time for a while. I’m feeling really run down and exhausted and so sick of taking pills it’s not funny anymore. The doctor said I’m starting to feel so tired because my body has been deprived of oxygen for so long now. Even a simple task like drying my hair has me feeling like I’m going to keel over. My chest was actually worse when I saw him yesterday than it was when I saw him a week ago. I told him straight that I’m not a lightweight and he’s going to need to bring out the heavy drugs in order to fix me. So I got a cortisone shot last night and a course of expensive antibiotics. If I’m not feeling better by Friday they’re going to have to do blood tests to see what is wrong with me. This morning my chest is feeling slightly less wheezy, but I’m still feeling quite weak and my muscles are still aching. I’ll rest again today as much as I can and take on the world tomorrow.

I think I figured out why the doctor took so long to fix me. He mentioned yesterday he used to be a pharmacist. No wonder he only gave me over the counter medication the first time I saw him! My regular GP usually whips out the antibiotics first thing. My regular GP is not nearly as friendly and doesn’t take the time to explain things as his colleague does, but he is close to retirement age and I’m going to have to find a competent replacement for him sometime soon.

The doctor has forbidden me to conceive while I’m on the antibiotics and after having the cortisone shot. He wanted to do a blood test to be sure I’m not pregnant before giving me the medication, but I assured him that I only just started ovulating and that I doubted there was any chance of conception already. I guess it will be abstinence for a while yet.

SO! I’ve lost 9kg so far! NINE! Honestly when I started this journey, 9 was never a number I thought I could get to. If I lose 4 more kilos I’ll beat my all time record of 13 lost in one go. I must say that lately the effort has not been much from my side. My appetite has gone for a loop since I’ve been sick and I’ve only really eaten small amounts to facilitate taking my medication. I just need to make sure that I maintain the weight loss once I’m well and get my butt into gear to lose more!

I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’ve either been too hot, coughing or very restless. This has also probably been contributing to my fatigue. Last night I lay staring at the ceiling coming up with a thousand ideas for a blog post. It would take me all day to write…and you all day to read, so I’ll spare you.

*yawn* I hope I can manage to get back to sleep now.

-800g

Good news, I lost 800g which puts my total weight loss at 8kg. Yay!
Bad news? I went back to the doctor and I have bronchitis. I've been given an inhaler and all sorts of medication. The doctor booked me off till Thursday provisionally, but said I should call for an extension if necessary. Sorry if this post isn't nicely spaced, but I'm posting from my phone. I now have to take 14 tablets every morning. Eish. I'm going to get some rest!

-1kg

The weeked turned out to be pretty cool. On Friday we went to braai (BBQ) at Lindor's house. I went to make a turn at Sarah's house as they were also having a party to which were invited. After returning to Lindor and having a bite I convinced Rudi that we should go to Sarah's house to their party too. We ended up being the last people there (that rarely happens) and only got home around 2am.

The next morning...not so much fun. Tequila is the devil. I am *really* one of those people that the following saying applies to: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, floor. I only had four shots of tequila and one bottle of wine stretched and shared over the entire evening, but that last Tequila...hit me between the eyes. I had a hangover of note on Saturday. I don't think I've ever been so thirsty in my life! For some daft reason we decided to go and do grocery shopping on Saturday. What a freaking nightmare! We stood in a queue at Checkers for almost an hour just to pay! I was really grumpy! We did, however, also go and cash in the vouchers I won from @Dulcecafe on Twitter. They have competitions once a week on Twitter, sort of like a viral campaign and I won a R50 meal voucher and a 25MB wi-fi voucher. Pretty cool.

On Sunday it was our anniversary. Married for 2 years, together for 8. To think I was worried about beating Rudi's record of 2 years with his ex (yeah I don't know why I'm like that). She can suck it. WA HA HA HA. Rudi wished me just after I got up and I made him some breakfast. After church we went shopping for some fruit and veg and Beauty Queen and SLK invited us for lunch. Rudi was going to take me out to lunch anyway, so we went with them. After that we went to camera_obscura's house and chilled there for a while.

We had an Apostle service on Sunday morning and the strangest thing happened. I heard a message for Sarah. It was quite weird because I often hear messages for myself and for Nellie (because Nellie and I talk about our faith and often hear things for each other), but for Sarah? The company Sarah is working for are liquidating and she had to go in on Monday to find out if she still has a job. The Apostle prayed for those who were on the verge of losing their jobs. I called Sarah and told her about it. The outcome? She kept her job AND got an increase. Yay for her! Speaking of Sarah, we're hopefully going to pick out my new hair colour this evening and make it happen. Don't worry...I'll post photos.

Yesterday was a day of complete relaxation. We didn't even leave the house. We lay on the couch and watched movies ALL DAY. We tried to watch all three Lord of the Rings movies, but only managed two. Probably because we stopped to cook and watch our regular programming on a Monday. I'm watching the last one now.

How I managed to lose a kilo through all of this eating and vegging is beyond me, but I will not complain.

Oh. I'm not pregnant.

-1.2 kg

Oh YAY! I honestly thought that the scale was going to swear at me this morning. Despite the fact that I drank my water last week and exercised. So I've not only shaken off that 200g I picked up last week...I've lost an extra kilo as well! Now I've officially lost 7kg since I started! That is...14 blocks of margarine! I am very proud of myself! I cannot remember the last time I've lost 7kg. When I was on Weight Watchers almost 5 years ago I think I lost around 6kg before giving up.

Last night, on a whim, we walked from our place to my grandparents house. It has to be at least 3 - 4 kilometres and includes a hill I didn't think I would make it up. The whole walk took us arund 37 minutes which really isn't too bad. If I could do that once a week and lose weight I would do it!

Rudi seems to be on his own little mission. Last night I was asked how many days ago my last cycle started and he started counting things. I'm not sure what he thinks he's doing. He is still counting 14 days - which is technically incorrect as I have a longer (and irregular) cycle (at the moment). I suppose it's really sweet that he's trying...but he clearly didn't get the message when I told him I'm not. I tried to convey this to him last night again. I explained to him how I am feeling and that it really hurts a lot to be disappointed each month. He doesn't seem to understand *why* I'm disappointed each month. I guess I shouldn't expect him to understand.

So as I'm shifting my focus I've been trying to concentrate on the good things in life. The freedom I can enjoy before I have a child. The things I most likely take for granted now. Being able to sleep, drink, watch TV, spend time with Rudi, sexy time and basically everything I do now. Everyone knows babies change your entire life, forever even if they don't live.

So another busy day at work. This new product is driving me nuts! Hopefully today will fly by like the rest. Being busy really helps for that.

Shifting Focus

I'm already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night "I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn't care". Wouldn't that be nice? Just "not caring". I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It's a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I'm sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don't think I'm in a position to comprehend this right now.

I also read Tertia's blog a little. I don't have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven't tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.

Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don't think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don't mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.

For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I'm only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It's dirt cheap too.

I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it's just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I'm getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don't enjoy it. It's not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he cooks...it's difficult to say no.

So...I need to change the way I'm thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!

+/- 0kg

The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.

This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!

Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.

Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!

-1.6kg

Holy cow! I'm not sure exactly how I did it, because I certainly did not have a perfect eating week. The only thing that I can figure is that the walking and drinking water is saving my behind. Perhaps my body doesn't mind a little 'fattening' food every now and then. It could also be extra water I have lost after my cycle, since I stood still last week. Whatever the case I am standing at a loss of 6kg already and I'm very proud of myself!

The jeans I am wearing today always fit me properly, they were never too tight. In fact I could wear them well into my pregnancy, when all my other jeans failed me. Today they are too big. Not so big that I can't wear them or that they don't look OK, but too big none the less. Yay!

I forgot to update on Fence, I think. Fence did eventually phone Rudi back last Friday (I must have jinxed it by blogging about it), but Rudi didn't go fishing with him anyway. They have a fishing trip planned this weekend at which my presence is required. I don't mind going. I've got a good book I'm busy reading and hopefully Nellie would have been able to set up chat on her phone by then.

Poor Nellie is at home today. She's taking a sick day. She has a lot of stress at work at the moment and I haven't been able to talk to her much since they've moved her into an office with no e-mail. No e-mail! She must have felt like she was living in the dark ages!

No ferning on my microscope yet. I'm on cycle day 13, so maybe in a couple of days to a week the ferning will show up. I hope so!

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It's such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I'm losing weight and it's great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I've been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I'm trying not even to think about it as 'dieting' for 'weight loss'. I'm trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK...so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other's doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time's sake. It was a lot of fun - just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I'm really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she's very happy with the place they have found. Who knows...maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this...but you never know!

I've managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I'm feeling really good about that too. I'm going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.

+/-0kg

I neither lost nor gained any weight this week. I'm very happy with that as it was my cycle week and the scale could easily have reflected a gain.

I updated my ticker to reflect the 2kg I lost the week before I officially started counting. I figure I lost them and I've kept them off so they get to count.

-1.2kg

Despite my binge on Saturday and my slip up on Sunday I lost 1.2kg last week. It's probably the water I was retaining the previous week plus a little weight loss. I'm happy with the number.

Things got worse last night somehow. When Rudi picked me up from work I gave him a kiss hello and put my hand on his leg as we drove home. A white flag if you will. He ignored these gestures.

As we were meant to go to my grandparents for supper last night, I asked him if he was coming, he refused to go. I went to my grandparents and told them the truth about why he didn't come. My grandfather, being the wise and wonderful man that he is, sent some food for Rudi. When I got home I greeted him and told him my grandparents send their love and some food. I asked him (in a polite tone) whether I should leave it out or put it in the fridge for him. He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?'. I was then told I forgot to check my attitude at the door.

I went to bed really early last night. I was exhausted from being so distressed all day.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Alone. Rudi had slept on the couch for the second night in a row. It is the first time ever he has done this two nights in a row. I made myself a cup of coffee and cried myself back to sleep. Rudi banged on the wall and asked me what the fuck I was crying about. This, of course, only made me cry more.

I made him breakfast this morning. He didn't touch it.

I also got shouted at because I took something out of the freezer for supper tonight. Apparently he told me three times last night that we are going to his parents for dinner. He told me this while I was sleeping. He thought it ridiculous that I could be asleep so early and therefore assumed I was awake and could hear him. He also expected me to take him to work this morning, but since he hadn't discussed this with me at all I had started getting ready too late to make it to work in time.

So when he dropped me at work I waited for a kiss goodbye. With a big sigh I received a half hearted kiss.

I have a feeling that he has decided to leave me, but doesn't have the balls to do it. He is waiting for me to kick him out or to leave him. I'm simply not going to do that. When I made a vow in front of God, I meant it.

-1.4kg

So today was weigh day for the first time since I've started my new eating plan and excercising. I've lost 1.4kg so far. Rudi has lost 1.8kg in the same period of time.

I am a bit annoyed that he lost more than me despite the fact that he drank BEER and COKE on Wednesday night and drank on the weekend. Not only that when we went to the Spur last night he enjoyed chips, onion rings and a burger while I had a slimmer's steak with green salad. He also didn't walk with me on Saturday.

It's SO unfair that men lose weight faster than women and don't have to work so hard at it. Even though they aren't really pressured to be 'thin'. I know. I'm competitive. WHATEVER!

I'm not going to let that get me down though and I'm going to keep on keeping on. We've decided that we're going to take Valentine's Day off for dieting and going to eat out and eat whatever we want. I look forward to it!

Feeling Good

I am super proud of myself. I haven't felt proud of myself for a VERY long time. It feels so good to feel like this.

Despite life throwing me a curve ball I started my eating plan yesterday and stuck to it. I could have easily used the fight Rudi and I had as an excuse not to start. I even forgot to prepare the chicken I needed for lunch yesterday and that would just have added to my excuses.

I have made enough excuses though. There should be no excuse for treating yourself badly and poisoning your body with bad food. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite and I've only been eating healthy for a day, but I want to put my mind into the right gear.

I stuck to my eating plan for the entire day yesterday and even drank all my water. I loathe drinking water. I added some lime cordial and that makes it so much more bearable. I didn't feel punished or deprived. I felt healthier.

I intended to go for a walk yesterday, but Rudi picked me up late from work and by the time we had finished cooking supper our soapie was on and before we knew it 7 'o clock had come and gone. My grandparents also pitched up at our house unannounced so the walk went down the drain. We do plan on taking a walk tonight though.

Rudi and I discussed our problems and managed to talk things out. I've decided not to let his actions or inactions decide how I feel about myself. I want to learn to love myself more, to be comfortable in my own skin. I want reconnect my mind and my body. They have been strangers for years.

I think that this healthy eating plan has come at a very good time. It is helping me feel better about myself. I have also decided not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon. Many times before this has been my downfall. I would cheat and then feel like a failure and like I've ruined everything and I would give up. None of that! NOBODY eats perfectly every single day. Everybody gives in to food. I have bad genes and I need to work harder at it than some people, but that is not their fault nor mine. I am not the only person in the world that struggles with their weight.

I will no longer be judged because I have trouble stopping myself from putting bad things in my mouth. The principle is simple. Now I just need to enforce it!

I weighed myself last week and again this morning. There is already a 2kg difference! I am not officially counting it as I can't even remember what day I weighed, but it has lifted my spirits a little anyway :)

Facelift

I thought it was time to change the look and feel of my blog a little. I'm liking the new pink, but my banner is KILLING ME!

As you can see, it doesn't fit. Recently I squished it in paint a bit, but it distorted the image, so I canned that.

The image is special to me because it contains pictures of Rudi, me and my family and it was made for me by a friend (he runs the Kuier website).

Can anyone help me either make this thing fit or resizing it to the correct size without distorting it?

I'm really going to try my best to change my mindset. I know that thinking about conceiving all the time really just makes it harder in the end. I need to focus on something else, or throw myself into another challenge to do this. The only thing that I can think of that will sufficiently distract me is weight loss. My mind tends to get very 'one track' when I'm trying to lose weight. Many friends have told me though that it won't be a good idea to try and lose weight if I'm trying to fall pregnant. The things is...losing weight assists with fertility and it would be better for both the baby and myself if I was lighter. My clothes are starting to be too tight to wear and I'm starting to become overly conscious of this again. What to do...what to do.

I was listening to a song by The Script on the radio this morning and it made me think of Rudi and I with this whole situation with the loss of our child.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But those wise words ain't gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's [ed: he's] moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I consumed a bottle of red wine by myself yesterday. It was fun. I think I'll do it again today. Why the hell not? It is weekend, after all.