I saw the sign

It was amazing. It was like a sign.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about and planning getting my tattoo. I worked out my budget, decided where I wanted it and how big I wanted it to be. I saved it on a memory stick and planned to get a quote for it as soon as possible. I even decided I'd have it done soon after we come back from George.

Yesterday around two the doctor called and advised me that I could pick up my prescription, he had left it at his practice for me. I was hoping they'd fax it to the pharmacy near my house, but they didn't. Rudi picked Lindor up from work and we went on our way to fetch my sleeping tablets. Lindor usually insists on stopping at a bottle store very close to where I work so they can have a beer - yes, in the car. It irritates me to no end, but for some reason he didn't say anything yesterday. It just annoys me that having a beer is *that* urgent. It can freaking wait as far as I'm concerned. It's also not as if it only happens on a Friday. Any day we give him a lift home a stop at the first bottle store is mandatory. Anyway, since we had to go to the doctor's office I suggested we stop at a small bottle store on the way there.

Low and behold, at the very same bottle store at the very same time was the guy who had re-done my current tattoo. I haven't seen him since he re-inked me and that was at least 4 years ago. He had a look at my tattoo and said he wants to do the purple over. You can see the photo of my current tattoo here. Tristan added the flowing 'tails' to the wings as well. He gave me his number and said he'd be happy to do it for me. Suddenly I am super excited. I would have done it yesterday if I could!

Sherbet. I haven't touched my work yet. I guess I better get going if I want to get out of here at a reasonable hour!

Next week will be exciting!

I’m feeling slightly better today. I managed to get in another good night’s rest last night after taking my last sleeping tablet. I just called the doctor and the receptionist has said she will ask him to call me back. He’s only in until 11AM today and I only called him around 10:30, so I hope he gets around to calling me back and will write a prescription for me. I’m also really hungry all the time, which is something the doctor did warn me about, but I’m doing my best to keep that under control with sheer will power. As if I have a lot of that. I am just trying to keep my 9kg loss in mind and hoping I don’t mess it up! I’ve brought my water with to work and already finished more than half of it. I can’t exercise as yet…my cough is still lingering and I become tired and short of breath very easily, so I’ll keep that on the back burner for a while.

I finished my antibiotics and no longer seem to need any pain medication as my muscle aches have subsided to an acceptable level. I still reach for the cough mixture or inhaler every now and then, but I’m using these less and less. Now if my appetite would subside, I could sleep like I need to and I could have my energy back I would once again be a happy camper.

Yesterday I intended to make a few lists. A shopping list, a list of things to be packed when we go to George next weekend…eventually I decided to make a list of lists I need to make, but as you may have noticed yesterday was a write off for me. I need to make a list of things to pack for George because I always end up forgetting *something* important. When I told Rudi I want to make a shopping list he said ‘We need everything’. No we don’t! I want to make a list of everything we specifically need plus a few items like a new electric toothbrush I want for myself.

Two more things have me excited. On Monday when I get paid I will be paying off the pathologist bill that I would only have finished paying in November had I stuck to the scheduled payments. After paying almost R2500.00 in the last two months the outstanding balance is less than R900.00. I will also be paying off everything *I* owe on my second credit card. I will be DEBT FREE save my car and our new TV (of which I am only paying half – around R2500.00.

What will I do to celebrate? I’m going to get my new tattoo. I’m pretty sure I’ll have enough money left over once I’ve paid everything. I’ve decided to have the following one done below the butterfly I already have on my right shoulder (it will be between 5 and 6 centimetres across):



I know the starting price for tatoos where I will have it done is R350.00. I think they will most likely charge around R500.00 to do it for me as it's not huge and not very intricate. I'm not sure if they will ask an extra fee because the design is not their own, but they shouldn't. I'll most likely only have it done when we return from George after next weekend.

I can't wait! Pay day, freedom from debt, a trip to George and then my tattoo!

-1kg

I’ve been booked off work again today. Hopefully it will be the last time for a while. I’m feeling really run down and exhausted and so sick of taking pills it’s not funny anymore. The doctor said I’m starting to feel so tired because my body has been deprived of oxygen for so long now. Even a simple task like drying my hair has me feeling like I’m going to keel over. My chest was actually worse when I saw him yesterday than it was when I saw him a week ago. I told him straight that I’m not a lightweight and he’s going to need to bring out the heavy drugs in order to fix me. So I got a cortisone shot last night and a course of expensive antibiotics. If I’m not feeling better by Friday they’re going to have to do blood tests to see what is wrong with me. This morning my chest is feeling slightly less wheezy, but I’m still feeling quite weak and my muscles are still aching. I’ll rest again today as much as I can and take on the world tomorrow.

I think I figured out why the doctor took so long to fix me. He mentioned yesterday he used to be a pharmacist. No wonder he only gave me over the counter medication the first time I saw him! My regular GP usually whips out the antibiotics first thing. My regular GP is not nearly as friendly and doesn’t take the time to explain things as his colleague does, but he is close to retirement age and I’m going to have to find a competent replacement for him sometime soon.

The doctor has forbidden me to conceive while I’m on the antibiotics and after having the cortisone shot. He wanted to do a blood test to be sure I’m not pregnant before giving me the medication, but I assured him that I only just started ovulating and that I doubted there was any chance of conception already. I guess it will be abstinence for a while yet.

SO! I’ve lost 9kg so far! NINE! Honestly when I started this journey, 9 was never a number I thought I could get to. If I lose 4 more kilos I’ll beat my all time record of 13 lost in one go. I must say that lately the effort has not been much from my side. My appetite has gone for a loop since I’ve been sick and I’ve only really eaten small amounts to facilitate taking my medication. I just need to make sure that I maintain the weight loss once I’m well and get my butt into gear to lose more!

I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’ve either been too hot, coughing or very restless. This has also probably been contributing to my fatigue. Last night I lay staring at the ceiling coming up with a thousand ideas for a blog post. It would take me all day to write…and you all day to read, so I’ll spare you.

*yawn* I hope I can manage to get back to sleep now.

Frustrated!

I am incredibly frustrated at the moment. Oh hello! I'm back at work and feeling worse than I did last week. My chest still hasn't cleared and last night my glands decided to swell up. I thought my head would explode this morning. The medication I'm on is making me feel very weird and nauseous. I've been crying the whole morning (even in my boss' office) because I just feel so useless. My body is failing me and I want to scream!

I've been off for almost a full week and I'm starting to worry that it might be something serious. I keep having flashes of me collapsing...or ending up in hospital. Alarm bells are going off in my head, but I keep downplaying it because I fear I might be overreacting. I don't remember every being sick for so long. It's been two weeks since I started displaying symptoms.

I'm making another doctor's appointment today. I want to see *my* doctor. He better fix me. I can't take it anymore.

Help me choose my tattoo!

So I've decided to follow Angel's advice and am rather having my tattoo done in English as I could never really tell what was being permanently etched onto my skin in a foreign script. After googling 'James' in Chinese lettering I found symbols completely different from the ones we saw at the tattoo parlour. Rather safe than sorry!

So I received an e-mail from SAMoms (a Yahoo group I am part of) which led me to this site which has endless fonts for tattoos. I have chosen three fonts which I like, but haven't settled on a particular one. Help me choose! The size varies in these pics, but the website allows you to enlarge the fonts as well. Drop me a comment and tell me which one you like!

1.
2.
3.

Although this is not a democracy, I'm sure I could be swayed by number of votes to get a certain one. So send your friends here to choose their favourite too and drop me a comment!

I've been booked off sick today. I was feeling terrible yesterday and made an appointment to see the doctor after work. I went to see a new doctor since my regular GP was away. He was SUCH a nice man. Very personable, polite and friendly. I might even go to him again. He says I am developing flu, but don't need to worry about menangitis or anything serious. He gave me some medicine for my symptoms, booked me off for today and sent me on my merry way. I feel a little worse today, but the medicine is helping. It always gets worse before it gets better hey. The doctor gave me something called Empacod, the pharmacist said 'This has Codeine in it, so it will make you feel lekker (nice)'. I usually take Adcodol so I'm familiar with Codeine and it's never really done anything for me, but these tablets have given me a *slight* buzz. Nice.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment. I hope my hairdresser can even out the colour and give me a nice cut. I'm in the mood for a new style...but still don't want to lose my length. Will chat to her about some bangs or a fringe or something. I'm very nervous to get a fringe - it's really high maintenance to make sure it always looks good. I think I could handle bangs, you can always stick them behind your ears if they get in the way.

We have guests coming over for a braai (BBQ) tonight and Rudi has left the house in a glorious mess, so even though I'm sick I still have to clean. Ugh.

Now don't forget to comment and tell me which tattoo you like!

Twitter

Yesterday I signed up to Twitter. I'd heard about it before, but I wasn't sure what it was. The word 'twitter' was coming up a lot in my daily life (even on the radio) and I decided to sign up and check it all out. Nice thing about twitter? It's not blocked at work like Facebook. Yet.

So the cell phone number for my father was a dead end, although I kind of expected that. I didn't call the number, in case you were wondering. Cell phone numbers are quite disposable, despite some people wanting to hang on to them for dear life. Really, I know. Some people don't use their cell phone number for over a year and then wonder why it is deleted. Like the networks have space to save all the millions of profiles of SIM cards that are most likely thrown away. Read the terms a conditions for pete's sake. OK. Rant over!

I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still have a bit of a cough and my tummy still hurts, but other than that I'm in ordinary health. I have to go to the doctor soon for a 'check up'. I'm taking out life insurance and I guess they want to make sure I'm not already dying on them. They pay for the doctor's appointment though. It's basically a free physical. I'm not going to complain. I also have to go for a blood test to ensure that I'm a non-smoker. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be a problem, but a little while ago while Rudi and I were fighting I was REALLY stressed out and I kind of started smoking again. Not much, just the occasional cigarette...and then when I had a drink I would light up. I was almost smoking every day. The last time I smoked was Sunday. I've been told it should be out of my system in a week and half. I guess we'll have to see what the blood test yields. It hasn't been too tough to stop again now that I have a goal. Yeah I know. I'm bad. I almost had two years on my smoke free record. Idiot. Now I have to start counting all over again like the relapsed addict I am.

It's Jubba's birthday today. The team has planned a little surprise party for him and booked him a one hour full body massage as a gift. We'll be buying him Nando's. His favourite. I had a little chat with Jubba a while ago. I aired my feelings and I told him about how people perceive him. I explained to him that I have seen his softer side and it was a real pity that people judged him by his outbursts of rage. I tried to impress on him that people tend to remember the bad stuff you do, especially when the bad stuff is so extreme. Since our little chat our relationship has seemed to improve. He has really become a bit better. Towards me anyway. He also said he's taking it easy on me since we lost James as he can tell I'm not my old self anymore. I cried in his office. I felt stupid, but he asked me how things were at home. He asked during the week when Rudi and I were fighting and I felt like my marriage was crumbling. If he didn't want to know, he shouldn't have asked.

We stayed up late last night. Well, late for us. For those of you who didn't know we go to bed at around 20:30 usually and wake up around 05:30. Early to bed, early to rise. We really got into season 3 of Criminal Minds and that caused us to stay up past our bedtime. Pity I'm working this weekend. Otherwise I might have been able to rest.

Doctor's Bills...AAAAAARGH!!!!

Here's a tip. Don't ever open a doctors bill in the morning. I received the pathologist bills that I have been waiting for and hastily opened them this morning so that I could pay them as soon as possible.

Imagine those cartoon characters that have their eyes popping out of their socket. Oh. My. Fuck. The bill is almost DOUBLE what I anticipated. To be exact the bill for the pathologist is R5649.30. Can you say 'Payment Arrangement'?

I gave them a call and they agreed that I can pay them off over 12 months which is around R475.00 a month. That, at least, is manageable.

Rudi thinks I'm pregnant again because I'm irritable. Last time he identified my pregnancy by the amount I was eating. I don't feel sick or anything and I guess my next period will only come around December. I'm not sure exactly how to work it out, but my cycle is usually 32 days and if I calculate from the date of the termination then I am due 7 December. It's not impossible that I am pregnant, but I'm not going to get excited. I've been under a lot of pressure at work as we have HUGE problems and are trying to wade through PILES of complaints. Nobody is even going to the loo today (yet somehow I'm finding time to blog) because we are so swamped.

One of my colleagues was admitted to hospital yesterday. She's been coughing a lot for a long time and we kept on telling her to go to the doctor, but she kept putting it off. Yesterday Jubba told her to leave work and go to the hospital. The latest news is that she has blood clots on her lungs and that she is diabetic. I remember how devastated I was at the possibility of being diabetic, I hope she is OK.

I have stopped writing this post for about 4 hours because we're so freaking busy. I have to get my work up to date...no time to dawdle on blogger!

Getting better

So I finally stopped being stubborn and went to the doctor yesterday. Today I am R600 poorer. I do feel like I'm starting to get better though. My throat is slightly less sore and my sinus' seem to be clearing themselves out. Yummy.

The weather is starting to clear up which is great news for us as we're going to Ratanga tomorrow. If the weather is good Rudi will be able to go on any ride he wants. My favourite has always been the Monkey Falls. I'm sure Rudi will want to go on the Cobra first. The only ride I don't think I'll go on is the swinging ship. That thing scares the hell out of me. I was terrified the last time I went on it.

Monday it's back to work. No maternity leave to look forward to. Only hard work and Jubba breathing down my neck. Fun. Ugh. Maybe I should become a stay at home stay at home. A home executive (honestly I'd probably suck at that). We couldn't afford to live in our lovely home if I did that...Ah fuck it. I'll just sell my soul to The Company for the comfort I live in.

Golly...look at the time. The days are just slipping away from me. I hope I'm MUCH better by tomorrow. I would love to take photos, but I wouldn't want my camera to get wet on the Monkey Falls! Maybe I should buy some Ziploc bags...

Doctors...GRRR

Physically I still feel like crap today. I'm going to the doctor later this afternoon since I'm convinced I need antibiotics and the only way to get my hands on them is to pay my doctor over R200.00 to write the name of the medication down on a piece of paper. Then we'll see how much the medicine costs. Last time I needed antibiotics the medication alone was R250.00. Ugh. Too many doctors bills.

I checked online and it seems that my medical aid covered most of the expenses in the hospital save around R200.00 which I can cope with. They paid out around R9000.00. It's about time they coughed, instead of me.

Emotionally I've been numbed today. No crying. Sadness...and anxious to see the photos that the geneticist will send (I really hope she doesn't forget), but otherwise numb. I am really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, despite the fact that I'm not doing anything constructive at home. Other than cleaning. Cleaning helps distract me, although I don't have to think very hard while doing it.

I hope I feel better by Saturday, antibiotics usually take a day or two to kick in, so if the weather clears up Rudi and I can have a fun relaxing day together. Hopefully we can forget the sadness for a little while.

James/Sebastian

***WARNING***

Some readers may find descriptions graphic.

On Monday we went to Tygerberg hospital to go for the scan and to make our final decision. It was as we feared and they found another problem on top of all the other things that were suspected. The results of the scan were as follows:

The baby's head was lemon shaped and a cause for concern.
The spine could not properly be assessed as the baby was lying inside my pelvis.
The baby had bilateral club feet.
The bladder was not properly formed.
There was urine leaking into the bowel.
The bowel showed signs of obstruction and was causing swelling of the abdomen.
The baby was unable to move the wrists or hands.

We didn't have any indication that there was a problem with the hands at all until Monday. Finding another problem over and above those things that were suspected confirmed for us that letting the baby go was the right thing to do. They could not tell us whether or not the problems with the bladder/bowel could be fixed until after the baby was born. The club feet were operable, but no guarantees about the child's capabilities or quality of life. There is no cure for the problems with the wrists and hands. The geneticist at Tygerberg said she has never in her 30 year career seen a combination of these symptoms and it is a unique case. We knew then that it was time to let the baby go and scheduled an appointment with my gynae to discuss termination. He made an appointment for us the very same afternoon.

We went to see my gynae and advised him that we decided to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't have to say so, but you could tell that he agreed with our decision. He immediately prescribed medication to start inducing labour (Cytotec).

I was admitted into hospital Tuesday at 17:00 with cramps. The pain was minimal (similar to period pains, just right through to the back) and I could cope. A gel was inserted to soften my cervix and to prepare for the next day. I managed to sleep well with the assistance of a sleeping tablets and no painkillers.

The next morning the doctor came to see me and injected another gel straight into my uterus. Within a few minutes the nurse decided to call Rudi back to the hospital as I started having contractions and she thought I needed his support. The doctor said he will be back around 10:00 to monitor my progress and insert more gel into my uterus. I was given an injection for pain which made me very drowsy. Around 10:00 the doctor had not come yet and the pain killer had started to wear off. At around 10:30 the nurse decided to give me another pain killer despite the fact that the doctor had not yet come around. The doctor did come around 11:00 and saw how much pain I was in. I was screaming like someone who was having their fingernails pulled off. He decided that I could have an epidural as the process was iniated successfully, after which he would insert more gel into my uterus. The contractions were about two minutes apart and excruciating. In between contractions I was dozing off due to the painkiller. It was such an odd feeling - excruciating pain one minute, falling asleep the next, only to be rudely awakened by another contraction.

He attempted to give me the epidural in two different places, but from what I could tell he could not find 'resistance' against the needle (He said this to the nurse). To my surprise the epidural did not hurt, it just felt very strange to have something wriggling around in my spine. They asked me to lie down and after about 10 minutes the contractions had gotten worse and it became evident that the epidural had not worked. My doctor immediately arranged for me to be rushed to theater for an evacuation and scrape. By this time the contractions were so bad I was screaming for them to make it stop and to please help me. I'm surprised I didn't swear. I thought I'd be inventing new swear words with the level of pain I was experiencing. Poor Rudi looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn't know what to do. I felt bad that he felt so helpless and tried my best between contractions (if I was not dozing off) to assure him there was nothing he could do but be with me.

I think I might have been scaring the other patients with my screaming as the nurse kept on saying "OK Mrs. {insert surname here} every time I started having a contraction and screaming my head off. I remember the theater nurse telling me it was around 13:10. The anaesthetist asked me a few quick questions and told me to expect a burning feeling in my arm, which I did not feel.

Then they woke me up and it was all over. It was almost 14:00.

My Evil Mother and grandmother had been called and went to see the baby as Rudi and I decided not to, but we wanted someone to go and look. (I will discuss in another post what My Evil Mother did that makes me want to wring her neck) I asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I decided later that I wanted to see the baby. The biggest shock for us was that we had a little boy, not a little girl as we were told, hence me not referring to the baby's sex earlier in the post. We were kind of stuck for a boy's name so we are not sure whether it will be Sebastian or James.

Last night I felt good physically and didn't require any painkillers. This morning I feel a bit like I've been through the wars. It hurts everywhere they stuck a needle in me and my girlie bits are sore too. Luckily the bleeding has subsided.

Emotionally I think I am still in shock. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I cried a little after I came out of theater, but I think it will sink in later (probably when I least expect it).

The geneticist at Tygerberg wanted to look at the foetus, out of professional curiosity I guess. She told us they will not be able to tell us the likelihood of future birth defects without performing a post mortem on the baby. We enquired about it today and the post mortem will set us back approximately another R3000.00 (it could be more). After much deliberation we decided not to have a post mortem done. It will not change what happened and will most likely not prevent anything specific in the future. The initial report (from Tygerberg on Monday) said that the likelihood of re-occurrence or future birth defects may be as high as 25%, but they did not comment on the cause. 25% is pretty high considering there was only a 2% chance that something would have been wrong with this baby. The fact that the geneticist said it was a unique case gives us some hope that it might just have been bad luck.

So when we do try again we will be taking a risk and we will need to pray that we have a healthy baby.

I'm booked off till next Friday and will try to update my blog as often as I can.

Medical Aid Rip-Off

So here we are. Halfway through the week already. I didn't cry yesterday for the first time since we found out about the problems with our baby. I did still have to bite back some tears, but I didn't burst into them. Going to sit at the hospital on Monday is going to be tedious and frustrating, yet I can't wait. I think we'll pack something to eat and I'll try to take a book along. We'll go as early as possible to try and secure a seat somewhere near the front of the line. I also still have to open a folder at the hospital since I've never been there before.

Once all of this is over I want to change my medical aid. Discovery is a total rip off. We pay around R1700.00 a month. Since about two months ago Rudi and I have been paying our doctors bills out of our own pocket as our medical savings are depleted. We get about R4000.00 medical savings a year from which we need to claim any doctors appointments, medicine, dental appointments and optometrist appointments. Basically they don't cover any of these things, everything has to come from your medical savings. Even the amniocentesis (which is around R3000.00) needs to come out of your medical savings. Had the amniocentesis happened at the beginning of the year we would have needed to cover basically all our medical costs out of our own pocket for the rest of the year. I need to go to the optometrist at least once a year for an eye test and have to buy contact lenses. That already takes a big chunk out of my medical savings. You're supposed to see the dentist once every six months. Rudi and I went to the dentist once this year, both of us had our teeth cleaned and about 1 filling. That cost R2000.00. After that we were pretty much screwed. I got a throat infection when I was about 3 months pregnant - R500 for the doctor and the medicine I required. Neither Rudi or I are sickly people and we don't require to go to the doctor often, but after all the required treatment (optometrist and dentist) we can't afford to get sick. So what am I paying R1700.00 a month for? In case I end up in hospital basically.

The Company have just approved a new medical aid. Bonnita's medical fund. There are a few staff members who are already part of this scheme and I think I will definitely look into changing as soon as we have definite answers about the baby.

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.

Mother?

Blogger is still not allowing me to add photos :( I've uploaded the photo of the TV stand on Flickr, so if you'd like to see it you can by following this link:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/2944059256_a579bae255.jpg?v=0

I had an interesting revelation last night. I have a human being inside of me. I was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone I know was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone in the WORLD was once what this little baby is.

I have a PERSON growing inside of me. It's so...ALIENS. It's...mind boggling really. While I was thinking about all of this I realized that I'm going to be someone's MOTHER. I know that this kind of realization hits every pregnant women at some point...it's so...so...overwhelming! How am I possibly qualified to raise someone to be a decent human being? I don't suppose anyone is qualified per se...or that people know how to do this any better than I do in the beginning, but it's quite daunting.

I'm going to have to be responsible. I'm going to have someone else completely dependant on me 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I'm not going to be able to go out and let my hair down completely without worrying about the little one back home. I can't put off/call off this change. I can't postpone it. It's happening in a little over four months whether or not I like it. Hectic.

I'm a little worried about Rudi. He has had a cough for the last week or so and this morning he said there was blood in his phlegm. His nose is also really sore and raw on the inside. He's been self medicating since the medical aid is depleted, but I'm afraid he might have to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better and I KNOW the doctor is going to send him for chest x-rays, etc.

I suppose you can't put a price on your health hey.

Antibiotics

I woke up with swollen glands this morning. First thought that Rudi had somehow hit me in his sleep, but later I figured out my glands are really sore.

After chatting to my grandfather and seeing a sister I decided to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed some antibiotics that are safe to take during pregnancy.

My grandfather seems to be doing OK after the chemo so far. He feels tired, but other than that he is OK. He says he won't be able to work for 5 months due to the side effects of the chemo. I don't know what they are going to do for money. He gets a small pension, but that won't cover their rent, bills and food. We're going to have to try and help them out as much as possible.

My Evil Mother has lost her job again. SURPRISE! "Rentrenchement" again. Funny how she gets retrenched every second job. I'm curious to know how many she's had in the past two years. We estimate around 20. According to her she's never done anything wrong. It's either they company goes down, they retrench or the boss doesn't like her or the boss is sexually harassing her. It's hard to make up a different excuse every time. I wonder if she thinks we are too stupid to notice she's repeating the same ones over.

I better go. Rudi will be picking me up any minute.

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!

Grandfather

My grandfather called me with more bad news this morning. The doctor thinks he might be diabetic as well. He had a sugar reading of 11 this morning - your sugar is supposed to be around 5 or 6. He is going for a glucose tolerancy test tomorrow. His brother also had diabetes so it is in the family.

He feels like his whole world is crumbling around him. Last year when I had a routine blood screening done and the doctor told me I had to come for the test I burst into tears at the prospect of being diabetic. I can't imagine how my grandfather must feel with the cancer and now this. I told him that I had been for the test last year and what it involved (my test came up clear by the way) and I told him to keep his chin up. Everything that is being tossed at him is manageable. The cancer could be cut/chemo'ed away. Diabetes can be controlled with a good diet and exercise. He told me that he loves me very much and values my support more than I could imagine. He told me that just thinking of me makes him feel better. I nearly cried.

If there is a problem with his blood sugar it would explain why he is feeling tired and doesn't have an appetite.

My grandfather has lived a healthy life. He exercised regularly, ate a balanced diet and never smoked or drank. I can understand his frustration and his confusion as to why his health is suddenly such a huge issue for him. I pray his tests go well tomorrow. He really needs a break.

P.S. I am shocked, but not surprised that I have never used the tag 'exercise' before.

Not a cure

I am so freaking sick and tired of being sick. The lollipops either only work in the morning or it was a fluke. I was so ill last night that I didn't go to church. I feel so guilty about not going, but I really am sick.

It's important that I go to church now. Especially with my grandfather being sick and me wanting God's blessing with the baby.

I feel so helpless. I was crying last night. Poor Rudi also doesn't know what to do with me. He's just as helpless as I am. Strangely enough I seem to feel most ill at night.

I've started taking the the morning sickness tablets again. I really can't feel this way all the time. I'm a wuss. I know it. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Rudi says I should go to the doctor, but I don't think that there's anything the doctor can do for me either. I'm not supposed to be taking any medicine or anything. Baby Centre says I should try exercising. Apparently it helps. It's winter now and it's cold and raining. I don't have any exercise equipment and I don't have a gym subscription. How am I supposed to exercise? Walk up and down the stairs? Bleugh.

We went to look at another apartment yesterday. It's smaller than what we have now and costs more. Pfft. I'm starting to feel like we're not going to find anything. The agent said that if we don't find something in the first two weeks we might be screwed because most of the properties are gone by then.

Can't I just sleep through the next month and wake up feeling normal in a great new place - already moved?

FFS. I'm not asking much here.

P.S. The lollipops still seem to work in the mornings. I forgot to mention that I'm getting dark circles under my eyes. Now I don't only feel like shit, I look like shit too. Great.

$$$$

I went to another doctor yesterday afternoon after work. He has referred me to another doctor to have bloodwork and some other stuff done. I'll be leaving work at 12:30 today to go and depending on how long it takes I might not return.

I'm a bit nervous...It's not a comfortable kind of appointment, with needles being stuck in me and stuff. I hope to get it over with quickly, but this should provide some solid answers to my questions.

I usually only have to go to the doctor once a year to deplete my medical savings, because it usually results in having to see specialists, etc.

I can see the medical bills racking up and medical facilities with $ signs in their eyes.

Add nausea

I feel horrible today. I was fine the whole weekend, until this morning. I feel like throwing up. I haven't actually thrown up, but I sure as hell came close just now.

The ladies facilities at work have this distinct strong smell that hits you every time you walk in. It's rather unpleasant, but I suppose it's mainly bearable. Nobody seems to have complained enough for them to do anything about it. I went to the loo just now and seriously nearly threw up in there. Ugh.

I was feeling ill last week as well, but I let a quack doctor convince me that it was all in my head. The quack doctor is supposed to be taking the place of my doctor while he is overseas (just when I need him). He told me to go home, forget about it and see how I feel in a week. *sigh*

Leeza has referred me to her doctor in the interim. I have an appointment tomorrow at 16:30. We'll see if we can get to the bottom of this.