+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

Not Pregnant

So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

Failures

I’ve been having a really tough week. Every single day this week I have sat at my desk crying at work. It’s embarrassing to say the least. My colleagues have been good at leaving me alone and not plaguing me with questions, which is really how I prefer it. The more attention I am paid when I feel like this, the worse it makes me feel. Right now I can’t blame these feelings and this state of being on hormones, because it isn’t the time for me to be hormonal. I have no explanation for my anger and sadness this week in particular, it just is what it is. The more I think or talk about it the more agitated I become. I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so sick of the waterworks exploding continuously. I think at some time is was ingrained into me that crying is a sign of weakness and now I feel like I’m being weak. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I needed to before, but it seems like everything comes with an expiry date.

This isn’t what I intended to blog about today though. I wanted to blog about my previous weight loss attempts and how they went.

The first time I seriously wanted to lose weight the reason I embarked on the mission was because My Evil Mother was doing it and she was dangerously close to my weight. I couldn’t stand that as she was always much bigger than me and how embarrassing would it be if you’re fatter than your mom? At least your mom has had a baby.

SureSlim

I can’t even remember what year I did this in. I lost 13kg in 6 weeks. It was amazing! I was the lightest at that point that I had ever been in my life. I felt incredible. I had energy, I could cross my legs comfortably and I looked really good. I was also only about 10kg away from my goal weight at the time.

How did it end? I went shopping for clothes and I didn’t fit into a pair of jeans that I wanted to buy. We were having coffee at a coffee shop afterward. My packet with my next-size-up jeans was lying next to me. I was so upset I burst into tears and ordered a slice of chocolate cake. Out the window it went. I tried to climb onto this band wagon many times afterwards, but it was just too difficult. Hats off to anyone who can do this, but I cannot torture myself, no matter how well it works.

Atkins

Carbs are definitely my problem, the blood tests SureSlim did for me were testament to that. I lost 8kg in about 3 months with Atkins. I cannot live forever without a slice of bread or some popcorn though. Out the window went that one.

Weight Watchers

I did weight watchers back in 2005 for about 4 months (This was my last attempt at weight loss – sheesh it’s long ago). I lost about 6kg. I was losing something ridiculous like 400g a week (which is the average apparently) and I just could not bear it! I got so frustrated I threw that one out the window too. Weight Watchers is fairly easy as you can really eat whatever you want, but I think the lack of structure combined with my lack of discipline was eventually my downfall.

I thought after that I would never ever try to lose weight again. I was stupid to think that though. Surely I must have known I would NEED to lose weight at some point for health reasons. Luckily it hasn’t reached that point yet – but it’s fairly close. I’m already high risk to all sorts of horrible ailments.

Let’s hope it is different this time and that having Rudi’s support will help me get there. Only 5kg. That’s it. That’s all I’m taking on.

We’re going to the movies tonight to watch Saw V and I’m having the biggest popcorn they have for the last time in a little while. I’m not going to deprive myself for the rest of my life, but I’m going to be good most of the time. That I can manage.

*SCREAM*

I’ve figured out yesterday that I’m still stuck in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief cycle. I’m sitting with a ball of anger in my lap and I have no idea what to do with it.

Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.

If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.

I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.

I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.

Some fun tests

Here are a few fun test stolen from mommanats.

Both of You Wear the Pants

You and your guy seem to have stuck the perfect power balance. It's not that you don't disagree - it's just that you've learned how to compromise well. You're both mature enough to know that you can't always get your way... And usually, you're both adult enough to reach an agreement - even if that sometimes means giving in a little.

Who Wears the Pants... You or Your Guy?

You Are 73% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room. You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

You Are Sometimes Considered a Hot Chick

While you may not get the most offers in the room, You've got a good thing going - dating wise You could flirt more and dress up a bit to attract more guys But in general, you are doing just fine!

Are You A Hot Chick?

You Are an Afternoon Person

You can find energy any time of the day ... or night! You prefer to be out and about when most other people are. Very early mornings or very late nights aren't really your thing. You're practically solar powered, and the afternoon is when do best.

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?

What Your Cupcake Says About You

At parties, you tend to be a social butterfly. You enjoy making conversation and making sure everyone is having fun. You hardly have any restraint. You only hold yourself back when absolutely necessary. The most important thing in your life is your significant other. You are laid back, flexible, and easy to get along with. To know you is to care for you.

The Cupcake Test

You Are a Loyal Shopper

You are a very picky shopper and tend to be loyal to a few brands. You are willing to pay extra to buy from a brand you trust. Of all the types, you're the most likely to own many designer items. You don't seek out sales as much as most people... unless it's a sale at your favorite store!

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

There are only a few short questions for each test, it won't take long. Go and do it!

Trying to make babies last night turned into an absolute disaster. I think I'm premenstrual because I was quite obviously moody. Rudi and I ended up fighting from the moment we saw each other until we tired ourselves out and went to sleep. Lots of nasty things were said (mostly to me) and I became progressively more upset. After the baby subject came up I started crying. Rudi told me I'm 'becoming weaker' and 'not being strong about it'. I told him I cannot believe he is carrying on with his life like nothing happened.

I think he felt guilty at some point because he woke me up and asked me if I wanted to try, but I was exhausted after fighting with him and my mood was completely ruined so I turned him down.

Maybe we missed our chance this cycle.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.

"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?

"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here's to health and fertility!

The other episode

I had another episode on Saturday night that I forgot to blog about. I was watching TV and the Clicks (a chain store here in South Africa) played their Christmas advertisement. Clicks always have huge Mother's Day and Father's Day campaigns and advertisements and I was suddenly reminded of how much I was looking forward to celebrating my first Mother's Day. Rudi and I were sitting on the couch and I just suddenly started bawling. The poor man couldn't understand what on earth was wrong and I can understand his confusion. I <3 Christmas and I had just seen a very Christmassy advertisement.

I explained to him why I was upset and he said that there is no reason why she shouldn't still celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day. He said that there is no reason for us to forget. I know that many, if not all of the mommies on My Parenting Community will agree with him, although somehow it still feels weird.

I still don't consider myself a mother, even though I acknowledge, miss and love the baby that I had. I suppose my definition of a 'mother' is different from other people's. I suppose my definition of a 'parent' is someone with a living child. That is not necessarily correct. The dictionary says:

mother [muhth-er]

–noun 1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.

and the dictionary definition of parent:

parent [pair-uhnt, par-]

–noun 1. a father or a mother.
2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.
3. a source, origin, or cause.
4. a protector or guardian.
5. Biology. any organism that produces or generates another.

That doesn't really clear it up. Mother's Day comes before Father's Day usually. Can't wait to see what Rudi will do. I hope it won't be like my birthday...perhaps breakfast in bed and a last minute present after asking me what I want on the day. Pffft.

The Cycle

*sigh*

Yesterday was a hard day. I was OK at work, I only cried once, but after I got home I couldn't stop crying. I went to church and continued to cry there and went home and cried some more. At least I know what set me off yesterday. A lady at work lent me the "What to expect when you're expecting" book. I had it returned to her while I was off. She knows full well what happened, I even know who told her, but she still came up to me yesterday to ask me why I had returned the book. It's like she wanted ME to say it. I wanted to kick her ass. That is what set me off crying at work.

Rudi was late to pick me up yesterday and I was extremely irritated and he wasn't very pleasant when I got in the car. I tried my best in a calm manner to ask him to let me know when he is going to be late so that I don't wait outside on the street for him (it's not safe). He immediately jumped on his high horse and went off at me which just made me feel more annoyed and irritated...

I touched on the anger phase of me grief cycle yesterday. I went on a course that defined the stages of grief and taught us that it is important to know what stage you are in so that you can address your emotions and deal with them accordingly.

The stages are (comments below made by me mostly while in these stages):

Denial

I went through this stage for a little while. "This can't be happening, I'm healthy, we have no birth defects in our families". The gynae/specialist or being overly cautious, it's all a mistake.

Anger

Touched on this one last night. Why us? Why do other people have healthy babies? People that don't even WANT babies have babies and give them away. Why couldn't I have my baby?

Bargaining

If it's just the baby's feet we can handle that. We can fix that. Let the other things on the scan be a non-issue. Please God let the doctor be exaggerating or mistaken and let everything be OK (this before the specialist scan in the half an hour or so while I was waiting for her)

Depression

I don't think I've had this to the extent that I'm going to get it yet.

Acceptance

Getting there...I can't NOT accept what has happened, just as I cannot change it. It's a fact and it's not disputable. How to deal with it...that's a different issue.

You can go through these stages for years. You can be stuck on one stage for the rest of your life. A lot of people get stuck on anger or depression which is completely normal. You can go through these phases in any order and even after the 'acceptance' stage you can go back into depression or denial. I've got a feeling I'm a in the denial stage right now because I'm trying to put it out of my mind while I'm at work and I feel that I'm going to slip back into the bargaining stage soon ("God, just please bless us with a healthy baby quickly, then I'll feel better and go to church every service, etc.")

Life has carried on and I'm going through the motions. The following Alanis* song describes it perfectly:

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Try to listen to the song on her site. It's beautiful and really sad. There isn't actually more I could say...

*lyrics courtesy of alanis.com

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I've always like him...I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He's a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It's nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent...and now I'm not. I was going to be a mother...and now I'm not. My entire life was going to change...and now it hasn't. There was all this expectation and build up...and now...nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don't mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'll have two. I've also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say 'I've always wanted to be pregnant, I've just never wanted a baby', because that's exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say "I want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant", because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I've become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn't set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I'm helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!

Doctors...GRRR

Physically I still feel like crap today. I'm going to the doctor later this afternoon since I'm convinced I need antibiotics and the only way to get my hands on them is to pay my doctor over R200.00 to write the name of the medication down on a piece of paper. Then we'll see how much the medicine costs. Last time I needed antibiotics the medication alone was R250.00. Ugh. Too many doctors bills.

I checked online and it seems that my medical aid covered most of the expenses in the hospital save around R200.00 which I can cope with. They paid out around R9000.00. It's about time they coughed, instead of me.

Emotionally I've been numbed today. No crying. Sadness...and anxious to see the photos that the geneticist will send (I really hope she doesn't forget), but otherwise numb. I am really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, despite the fact that I'm not doing anything constructive at home. Other than cleaning. Cleaning helps distract me, although I don't have to think very hard while doing it.

I hope I feel better by Saturday, antibiotics usually take a day or two to kick in, so if the weather clears up Rudi and I can have a fun relaxing day together. Hopefully we can forget the sadness for a little while.

James: Part II

***WARNING***
Some readers may find content graphic or upsetting

It hit me this morning for the first time. Yesterday I was feeling guilty for not feeling worse. For not having cried yet. I know I'm supposed to, but it hadn't happened. This morning it happened. I cried. Not a snivelling, silent cry either. A full blown snot and howling cry. I know I'm allowed to. I've given myself permission to feel however I want to and not to hide my emotions and bottle them up. Unfortunately Rudi was at work and wasn't here to comfort me, so I hauled out my laptop.

Let's first cover what My Evil Mother did that upset me. Just after I had come out of theater her and my grandmother went to look at the baby. Rudi and I were alone and he shared with me that he keeps having this vision that there is nothing wrong with the baby. That we had made a mistake and we couldn't fix it now. I tried to re-assure him that the scans were clear enough even for a layman to see that there was something wrong.

When My Evil Mother re-entered the room she kept saying 'He's perfect. He's so beautiful'. I kept asking her what she meant that he was perfect and she said 'He had 10 fingers and 10 toes, etc'. This confused the hell out of me, considering that Rudi had voiced this fear not minutes earlier. I asked her if she looked at his hands and she said yes and that he had 10 fingers...eventually she said you could see that the hands were frozen in a claw like position. We had asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I changed my mind about seeing the baby later on. Eventually Rudi couldn't take it anymore and asked to see the photos. After seeing the photos (video clips actually, My Evil Mother has no idea how to operate a phone) Rudi seemed more calm though. My Evil Mother said the same thing she said to me to my uncle and aunt who immediately started saying things like 'They should sue the doctors for giving them the wrong information'.

After finally mustering the courage to look at the pictures myself I had no doubt that we had made the right decision. In hindsight My Evil Mother was possibly trying to be positive and not to upset me. I did phone her and told her that she is no longer to discuss it with anybody as she seems to be giving people the impression that we terminated a healthy baby. She said that she didn't know how to handle the situation and that she didn't know what else to say. I believe her. It is a difficult thing to go through and there isn't a manual telling you what the 'right' thing is to say.

We had agreed to let the geneticist have a look at the baby, even though we decided not to have a post mortem done. She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to know about her findings. I agreed as I wanted re-assurance from a medical professional as well. She found that the baby had no anus which was causing the obstruction in the bowel. The baby had no way of disposing of waste. She had an x-ray taken and was able to see that the bottom of the spine did not close as it should and the nerve endings seemed to be problematic as well. She could not ascertain at first why the hands were a problem, but on closer inspection of the x-ray she was able to see that the skull and spine were not properly connected causing the brain to have problems sending messages to the hands. The geneticist asked if we had determined the sex of the baby from the amniocentesis (which we did not) as she could not ascertain the sex upon examining the foetus. Sexual organs should have been well developed at this stage of the pregnancy. We have decided to stick to it being a boy. She asked permission to keep the photos she had taken, I granted her permission and requested her to e-mail some to me as the video clips My Evil Mother took were of very poor quality. She agreed to do so. I will not post the photos of the baby on my blog as I feel that they may be quite disturbing. From the photos the club feet are evident, but it is also clear that one leg is much longer than the other and seems to be facing the wrong way. It almost looks like the leg is broken, which is what they most likely would have had to do to correct that.

I cannot imagine the amount of surgeries and pain this baby would have had to have if the baby had managed to survive. I don't think the baby would have survived considering it was unable to rid it's body of waste. Rudi and I are completely at peace with our decision though and we know that we did the right thing.

A part of me wants to start trying to fall pregnant again immediately. Another part of me is too afraid to. I don't know what we're going to do, but I do know that I do not want to go back onto the pill again. Maybe that was one of the reasons this happened. I fell pregnant really quickly after going off the pill and who knows if that interfered with the development of our baby. I know women fall pregnant on the pill or shortly after going off of it all the time, but you never know what caused the problems with my pregnancy and I'd rather not take the chance. How we are going to prevent pregnancy will have to be a done on a trial and error basis with available contraceptives.

Rudi just got back from work and wants to go fishing. I feel like chopping his head off with a bread knife. He could clearly see that I am upset and need support, but he chooses not to be with me. I told him that I don't want to be alone and that I need him, but he wants to go fishing. I'm seriously fucked off with him right now.



A cactus that I have which is flowering now. Ironic, yet it gives me hope somehow.



The beautiful flowers I received from my colleagues at work.



Where they attempted to administer a drip (and failed).



This is where they eventually managed to put the drip in nicely, it's a bit swollen, but not nearly as bad as my arm!



Where they attempted to administer the epidural.

And so my battle scars will heal...now I just have to figure out what will heal my heart. A memorial service will be held for our baby tomorrow after church. That will be the last goodbye.

Strange Dream

The strangest thing happened to me this morning. I had a dream that I was in a classroom, heavily pregnant. I was sitting eating melted chocolate out of my chocolate fondue bowl. I was paying attention to the teacher, but had no clue what he was talking about. Even though there were around 50 other students in the classroom, I could tell he didn't like me. As if he disapproved of me being there.

He then turned and asked me a question. I honestly told him I don't know the answer. He gloated at this and then berated me in front of the class saying this was a 'kindergarten' question (which is really wasn't - it was something to do with history I think). He then asked me how long I had been 'on the rot' (I took this to mean how long had I been pregnant). I woke up from my dream, I was only semi-conscious though and I couldn't help but cry.

My alarm went off shortly after this - my face was still wet from the tears. This man (whom I do not know) had SO upset me over something so stupid that I actually cried.

My hormones must be off the charts!

Waterworks

I was feeling so utterly horrible last night. I had just eaten some mashed potato (which I felt like) and realized that I had put WAY too much salt in it. I felt SO sick last night. I burst into tears. Rudi completely blew me away by saying the right things and comforting me. He is not very good at that. He spoke to me nicely and recommended I take a hot bath or shower to make myself feel better. It did. I felt a lot better. He then made me a cup of hot chocolate - which made me feel a little worse, but I asked for it and didn't have the heart to tell him.

I went to buy the rug I fell in love with last night. I also bought the scatter cushions that are going to tie the rug in with my decor. The rug is rolled up and ready to be moved so I don't have a picture of it, but I have a crappy picture of the cushions. It was taken with my cell phone in bad light so the colour isn't great and it's grainy, but here they are:



The blue matches the blue in the carpet and the purple ties in with my curtains.

The sickness I was feeling really put a damper on my purchase though. Usually spending such a large amount of money would at least have me excited about my purchase and I was happy, but I was not bouncing like I should be.

Just had a lovely chat with a colleague who had her baby last year. She was genuinely interested in how I'm doing and gave me a few tips.

Please God let this morning sickness go away soon.

11 weeks today!

P.S. No news about the walker yet.

Getting worse

Ugh. The morning sickness seems to be getting worse. I've gotten some medication for it, but the relief is minimal. I'm struggling to eat and have no appetite. I'm probably eating about 1/4 of what I was eating before I was pregnant. That said, I was probably eating too much to begin with.

Sarah sent me this today:

Duration of condition
Morning sickness can occur at any time of the day, though it occurs most often upon waking, because blood sugar levels are typically the lowest after a night without food.

Morning sickness usually starts in the first month of the pregnancy, peaking in the fifth to seventh weeks, and continuing until the 14th to 16th week. For half of the sufferers, it ends by the 16th week of pregnancy. It may take the others up to another month to get relief, and some women suffer intermittent episodes throughout their pregnancy

I'm between 7 and 9 weeks now so it could be that it's 'peaking in the fifth to seventh weeks'. I just hope to God that it goes away soon and that I don't have it throughout.

My Evil Mother was crying on the phone yesterday. I told her that I don't want any gifts from her while she's still leeching staying with my aunt and uncle. I told her that I wanted her to stand on her own two feet and I didn't want to contribute towards her spending money irresponsibly. She then started crying and saying in disbelief 'Buying things for my grandchild, irresponsible?'. Why, if you can't afford it, YES!

It's a concept she doesn't seem to understand. She'll need to pull up her socks big time if she wants to be a part of the baby's life. She has told me for years that I was the cause of her starting her bad spending habits. She said she made debt to make sure I was always outfitted in the best clothes and shoes when I was a baby/little girl. I don't see how she can necessarily blame me. Since she had me about a month after she turned 18 - she had access to credit for the very first time and then went completely ballistic. I was just a convenient excuse. I'm not saying that I didn't have nice things when I was a child, but I definitely didn't expect them and started working and earning my keep when I turned 16.

I really hope that I will be able to instill good moral values and ethics in my child. I'm confused about the whole nature vs. nurture thing. I know my grandparents didn't raise My Evil Mother the way she turned out. It's like she was just rotten from the beginning. My aunt turned out the exact opposite. My Evil Mother raised me and I'm the opposite of her. So how do you control how your children turn out? I suppose you can only do the best you can.