Failures

I’ve been having a really tough week. Every single day this week I have sat at my desk crying at work. It’s embarrassing to say the least. My colleagues have been good at leaving me alone and not plaguing me with questions, which is really how I prefer it. The more attention I am paid when I feel like this, the worse it makes me feel. Right now I can’t blame these feelings and this state of being on hormones, because it isn’t the time for me to be hormonal. I have no explanation for my anger and sadness this week in particular, it just is what it is. The more I think or talk about it the more agitated I become. I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so sick of the waterworks exploding continuously. I think at some time is was ingrained into me that crying is a sign of weakness and now I feel like I’m being weak. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I needed to before, but it seems like everything comes with an expiry date.

This isn’t what I intended to blog about today though. I wanted to blog about my previous weight loss attempts and how they went.

The first time I seriously wanted to lose weight the reason I embarked on the mission was because My Evil Mother was doing it and she was dangerously close to my weight. I couldn’t stand that as she was always much bigger than me and how embarrassing would it be if you’re fatter than your mom? At least your mom has had a baby.

SureSlim

I can’t even remember what year I did this in. I lost 13kg in 6 weeks. It was amazing! I was the lightest at that point that I had ever been in my life. I felt incredible. I had energy, I could cross my legs comfortably and I looked really good. I was also only about 10kg away from my goal weight at the time.

How did it end? I went shopping for clothes and I didn’t fit into a pair of jeans that I wanted to buy. We were having coffee at a coffee shop afterward. My packet with my next-size-up jeans was lying next to me. I was so upset I burst into tears and ordered a slice of chocolate cake. Out the window it went. I tried to climb onto this band wagon many times afterwards, but it was just too difficult. Hats off to anyone who can do this, but I cannot torture myself, no matter how well it works.

Atkins

Carbs are definitely my problem, the blood tests SureSlim did for me were testament to that. I lost 8kg in about 3 months with Atkins. I cannot live forever without a slice of bread or some popcorn though. Out the window went that one.

Weight Watchers

I did weight watchers back in 2005 for about 4 months (This was my last attempt at weight loss – sheesh it’s long ago). I lost about 6kg. I was losing something ridiculous like 400g a week (which is the average apparently) and I just could not bear it! I got so frustrated I threw that one out the window too. Weight Watchers is fairly easy as you can really eat whatever you want, but I think the lack of structure combined with my lack of discipline was eventually my downfall.

I thought after that I would never ever try to lose weight again. I was stupid to think that though. Surely I must have known I would NEED to lose weight at some point for health reasons. Luckily it hasn’t reached that point yet – but it’s fairly close. I’m already high risk to all sorts of horrible ailments.

Let’s hope it is different this time and that having Rudi’s support will help me get there. Only 5kg. That’s it. That’s all I’m taking on.

We’re going to the movies tonight to watch Saw V and I’m having the biggest popcorn they have for the last time in a little while. I’m not going to deprive myself for the rest of my life, but I’m going to be good most of the time. That I can manage.

Shame...

This is a picture of the fish Rudi caught on Sunday:


He goes fishing quite a bit, but they normally throw back what they catch. This time for some reason they decided they wanted to try and eat it. I finished work and caught up with them around 2 hours after they had caught this one. They had already rinsed it out with a hose pipe and gone to show it off to Crack Head who couldn’t join them for the fishing trip. When I saw them again the fish was in a cooler bag in some water.

Rudi picked it up out of the cooler bag and to everyone’s surprise the poor fish was still breathing. Its gills were still opening and closing. I felt so sorry for the fish I wanted to cry! I was very upset with them for bringing the fish home to eat :( it’s the same as hunting really, isn’t it? I called him a murderer and eventually he felt bad for the fish. The worst part is that after cleaning and braaing the fish they eventually gave it to the cats because it wasn’t overly tasty. The cheek!

Look. I am by no means a vegetarian. I love meat (not fish!) but I don’t like seeing the animals suffer. Just before Christmas Rudi and I went to buy a half a lamb. We watched them cut the lamb up and I was so upset by the sight of it I wanted to leave the shop. Seeing the lamb practically intact was heartbreaking! I don’t think I’ll give up eating meat, but I don’t want to see where it comes from!

Speaking of eating…

I’ve received a lot of support online about the eating plan. It seems a lot of people have the same idea. Two ladies at work have decided to join me as well. Rudi is already turning into a dieting Nazi and nearly bit my head off when I asked for some Nesquik last night. I keep trying to tell him I’m only starting on Monday, as we’re going shopping this weekend for the food we will need. He doesn’t seem to understand this concept! He also doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t just throw an egg into the lean mince to make patties. The egg counts too! Rudi is a dieting virgin, but I’ll whip him into shape in no time! He he. That and he’ll watch me like a hawk!

We’re also going to the movies on Friday to watch Saw V. It will be the last time we go to the movies and will be able to eat the BIG, BIG popcorn! (Trust me to be thinking of the food instead of the time with my hubby) I think I’ll throw in a diet Coke to ease my conscience. Before you say that popcorn isn’t fattening…the popcorn at the movies is oil popped, not air popped, so it IS fattening. *sigh* only the dry air popped stuff is OK to eat.

I am so tired now already. I’ve worked for 7 consecutive days and seriously need some time off! Roll on weekend!

Is there hope?

I’m hiding out in word again today. Nobody said anything or took a second glance yesterday, so I guess it works.

Firstly I’d like to say thank you for Glugster for fixing my banner. It fits perfectly now and is finally not working on my nerves! Thank you!

The more I think about this healthy eating plan, the more I want to do it. I’m trying not to get myself overly excited about it. I’m cautious about it because I’ve disappointed myself so many times before. I don’t want to fail again, but every time I set out to succeed with a positive attitude and full of hope I have failed. I’ve set my first goal at 5kg. I figure that is easily achievable, although I need to lose much, much more. It’s a starting point. It’s better than going on and disregarding my body and what it is telling me. The fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed by emotional issues right now doesn’t help, but I think my mind is finally in the right place again. Last year I would not even consider changing my eating plan. It was completely out of the question for me. I had given up on myself. This year I guess I realize I’m stuck with me forever, so I better start liking who I am.

I really need to call my insurance. I’ve got a couple of dings on my car that I’d really like to have fixed, but I’ve been putting off calling them forever. I hope they deliver good service or my next blog post might just be a rant about First for Women.

I can't wrap my head around it

There is one problem in my life that is solvable, but I cannot seem to solve it. Other people solve this problem. I wouldn't say that this problem is solved with ease, because it takes dedication, motivation, commitment and hard work. I have given up fighting the battle of the bulge.

I will sulk. I will be self deprecating. I will eat to comfort myself - completely defeating the object, but I do not change. It is a decision that I need to make. A decision only I can make. A decision I refuse to face?

Oh people have tried helping me. I have tried helping me. Nothing has worked thus far. Each time the weight just comes back and brings friends. Sound like the same old story? I suppose it is.

I have managed to be successful at other things. I have managed to greatly reduce my debt, climb the corporate ladder (even if I only climbed one or two rungs), increase my salary, have a successful relationship and become independant. I'm not a social retard. In fact, I'm not retarded.

It's so simple. It is HORRIFYINGLY simple. Stop putting the wrong things in your mouth. That is a wonderful start. Already now the road to my goal (not an unrealistic one) is SO long that I give up before I take the first step. Yes, I know...the journey of a 1000 miles starts with one step. With each day, week, month, year I put this off the road gets longer.

I want to be FIXED! Maybe I should just have my jaw wired shut and be done with it.

I envy people that don't have this problem (who doesn't envy those people?!). The truth is a lot of slim people work very hard to stay that way. Some don't, of course. Sometimes I even become blind and stupid enough to think "What could SHE possibly be worried about? Look at her!". OF COURSE she has problems. Maybe her problems are bigger than mine. Maybe her life is worse than mine. At least she's THIN.

I honestly think that my life would GREATLY improve if I was of lesser weight, but I don't seem to get there. I don't know HOW to get there. Oh...you know...."change your lifestyle!". Yeah OK...let's....and it never happens.

What is a girl to do? Can you look up jaw wiring in the yellow pages?

UPDATE

I was watching Oprah yesterday and Dr. Oz was on. A middle age couple that were overweight and miserable inspired me to change my mindset. I might be coping with my condition right now, I might be OK, but how am I going to feel in 10 years? How many aches and pains am I going to have. How many of my organs are going to pack up by the time I'm 40?

Life decisions need to be made here. Most certainly.