HP!

So I've taken the plunge and paid for my own domain for the next year. It's still being setup and my template isn't done yet. Someone has been most gracious and offered to do it for me, but these things don't happen overnight. I'm excited. Yesterday when I got the ball rolling and started sketching my template idea I was almost vibrating with excitement!

Anyway. We're going to watch Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince tomorrow with Leebeesa. I'm really looking forward to it! I enjoyed the Harry Potter books very much and while the movies are not nearly as magical...I enjoy seeing the characters come to life.

I've got a TON of work and I'm totally unmotivated to do any of it. I'm only taking half a lunch today because I anticipate I might not be able to finish said work and on a Friday that is simply unacceptable. I've got angry customers waiting to be called back as well. I hate angry customers. Especially since they tend to vent on me, who did NOT CAUSE THEIR PROBLEM. The nicer you are to me, the more willing I am to help you mofo. Duh. So shout at me, take my name and take a number.

My domain will be live by next week (maybe even tomorrow), but then I have to figure WordPress out and also wait for my template to get done. The gentleman making my template also offered to move my posts from blogger to WordPress which would be lovely. I would hate to lose all the work and emotion I've poured into this blog.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Bleugh

I'm really trying my best not to write an entire rant about Jubba. I will refrain. I must be zen. I must not let him get to me. Breath in. Breath out. In. Out.

Right. So Rudi and I are also going to watch The Knowing with Nicholas Cage on Saturday. The trailer looks really good, but I've heard whispers on Twitter that the ending is a disappointment.

I'm probably being quite optimistic with all my weekend plans, considering the all day sickness seems to be getting worse at the moment, but I can't stop my life.

***Later***

Just barfed at work. That's a first. Usually my system doesn't allow me to barf in public. I do feel a bit better though. My lunch is almost over and I haven't had anything to eat yet. I thought I could have plain salted popcorn, but they didn't have. Leebeesa gave me two provitas. So sweet of her.

Anyway. Hoping Jubba stays out of my way for the rest of the day and that I get enough rest this weekend. I certainly need it.

How do I motivate my man?

Here's the thing, if I have nothing good to blog about, I'm not going to blog. That's not saying I think that I usually blog about interesting things, but I like to think I have something to say when I blog.

If you are bored, be assured I am working on a very long blog entry which I will post early next month. If saying that means you'll only come back early next month to check...then so be it!

Rudi is really frustrated at work. His boss isn't nice to work for. He gets shouted and sworn at nearly daily, gets asked to work late often and doesn't get paid overtime. He is at a disadvantage though. He works for a small company that doesn't necessarily play by the rules. He didn't finish high school (even though I tried to encourage him repeatedly) and he is an able bodied white male which puts him last on the list to be employed in South Africa (of course taking into account the fact that he doesn't have any qualifications). So he is really stuck. He has spoken of getting his code 14 drivers license so he could perhaps drive trucks, but he keeps putting off making the appointment. When I bring it up or try to encourage him he automatically switches to the defensive and inevitably we get into a fight. I just don't know how to approach it and seem like I am encouraging him rather than 'talking down' to him (which I honestly try not to do!) I understand it is a sensitive topic for a man, but it's difficult to be supportive when I don't see him making any effort to do something to get out of the situation he is in. I suppose I would have felt despondant and demotivated if I were him. Perhaps I wouldn't have had the courage to finish school either. I really wish his parents would have been more strict and forced him to finish school at the very least.

Anyway. Enough of that. Stay tuned for that post next month. I promise you're not going to want to miss it!

*YAWN*

In the past few days I have considered starting a separate blog, but have put the idea to bed. I can barely cope with regularly blogging here...I couldn't cope with two. I could perhaps write a guest entry on another blog, but not a daily blog as the second one would be. How on earth does Angel manage her 3 blogs?! So I've decided to keep it at just one blog.

My working weekend is this weekend, plus I'm working the public holiday (alone!) next week. So I'll probably be stuck at work all day on Tuesday :( SUCK. Rudi was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of the overtime I'll be earning...but I'm TIRED. Dammit!

I feel like I need a break...yes I know we were just away...but I dream of being a lady of leisure. Wouldn't that be nice?

By the way...I didn't gain any weight this week. Completely slipped my mind to mention it.

You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...

Hard Work and Stuff

Sjoe. I worked *very* hard yesterday. We're understaffed it seems, although the general perception seems to be that we can handle it. I leave work at 16:00 (I start at 07:00), usually I have 20 minutes or so at the end of the day to unwind, check e-mail or whatever. Yesterday I finished my work at 15:59. I really had to rush. It was horrible. I don't really feel that each query gets the attention it needs when we're so pressured, but hey. I'm doing the best I can!

Leebeesa is currently on holiday. She went to Holland, UK and Ireland. Yesterday she went to visit St. Patrick's Cathedral and she wrote James' name down in the prayer book there. That was so sweet of her. When she sent me a message to tell me about it I cried. Special.

Other than that it seems that it's going to be another busy day at work. No time to write long blog entries today.

TGIF tomorrow...I can't wait for my weekend off.

Not Pregnant

So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:



I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He's actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn't start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I've just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I'm not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn't complain. It's so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James' last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn't even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Transitional

I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.

Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.

I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.

Speaking of loving Rudi...

...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.

The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Sick

I'm not feeling so well today. I didn't go in to work. I think I'm coming down with something. I feel all congested at night and nauseous during the day. No...I'm not pregnant. My readers would be amongst the first to know. I got up this morning and prepared breakfast and lunch for Rudi and I, like I do every morning...but I just didn't feel right. I bit the bullet and phoned Jubba (something I loathe to do, although he has always been reasonable when I've been ill) and took a sick day.

It's very hot today...I've already gone and cleaned the kitchen and put things straight and all sorts of things I should rather just leave because I'm not feeling well. Now that everything is done though I'm going to rest. Maybe it's just all the stress at work lately. There's been tension in the air at work for the past two weeks. For a change it's not Jubba that's driving me crazy. The whole department has been in shambles and trying to bail out one of the portfolios and I think everyone is feeling a little thinly spread. Management doesn't think we're performing at our optimum levels and decided to just pile more work on and shuffle us around. It makes complete sense from a business perspective, but we are people and sometimes companies forget about people. I must say The Company isn't heartless and doesn't treat us badly and pays us well. I don't blame The Company...I just think there are some structuring issues and perhaps some strategies need to be put in place to prevent the portfolio in question from falling behind like they have again. It's not the first time it has happened, but it always seems like it gets left till the last minute and then everyone panics.

So. I'm resting today.

I bought myself a very pretty dress yesterday. It's officially the only one I own. I own skirts that I rarely wear, but I have no dresses. Just this one. I saw it in a mall close by quite a while ago, but they didn't have my size. Yesterday I saw it in a different mall, in my size AND on sale. I had to get it. Rarely does a dress catch my eye, but this one did.



So last night I put on my new dress and my heels and I went to church. I felt so feminine and pretty. It's the perfect dress for special occasions and I received lots of compliments last night.

Check out Amber's battle scar:






Silly cat.

I just finished watching P.S. I love you. Very good movie. It just brings me back to that place where I remember that I need to appreciate what I have. It's a beautiful movie and I would recommend you see it if you haven't yet.

I looked at my microscope long and hard this morning and I just checked it again. I think I'm starting to see signs of ferning. Very slight, but it's starting to show up. Rudi reckons it still looks the same, but I don't agree. Maybe tomorrow it will be clearer and he can see.

I might have gotten myself out of fishing on Saturday with Fence and Lindor. It all depends on whether or not their partners are going with. Even if I don't go fishing, there's no escaping the braai (BBQ) afterwards. On Sunday apparently we're going to Franshoek. Rudi's brother, Derick, wants to do something for their mom and we've been invited, but it's not yet confirmed. I must take my camera if we go. It's beautiful there. I hope I'm not still feeling ill this weekend.

*yawn*

I am so tired I could just die! Working last weekend is catching up to me. It's my 11th consecutive day of work today and I'm a zombie.

My Evil Mother is being such a leech! She phoned me the other day - she wanted to borrow a swimming costume. Since she hasn't returned the last item of clothing I lent to her and refused to do so when I asked her I ignored her request. Then she calls me and asks me to check her e-mail at work to see if she has received any responses for her CV - I'm not supposed to surf at work, but she will start crying and 'Nobody loves me' if I don't do what she wants. Last night I go to church and now I have to pick her up for choir practice tonight - I now have to leave earlier and use extra petrol. Is she freaking kidding me? LEAVE ME ALONE! FFS. She NEVER calls me unless she wants something. I'm sick of being her 'go to' person for everything, especially since I don't get ANYTHING, not even emotional support from her.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. Although, I have a pile of ironing to do since the housekeeper hasn't been able to come. We managed to clean up well last night. Vacuum, mop and get all the washing done. Just the ironing left really. SO not in the mood. It's really hot as well which doesn't help.

I hope I'm going to have a good weekend this weekend. It is, after all, Valentine's Day on Saturday.

Shame...

This is a picture of the fish Rudi caught on Sunday:


He goes fishing quite a bit, but they normally throw back what they catch. This time for some reason they decided they wanted to try and eat it. I finished work and caught up with them around 2 hours after they had caught this one. They had already rinsed it out with a hose pipe and gone to show it off to Crack Head who couldn’t join them for the fishing trip. When I saw them again the fish was in a cooler bag in some water.

Rudi picked it up out of the cooler bag and to everyone’s surprise the poor fish was still breathing. Its gills were still opening and closing. I felt so sorry for the fish I wanted to cry! I was very upset with them for bringing the fish home to eat :( it’s the same as hunting really, isn’t it? I called him a murderer and eventually he felt bad for the fish. The worst part is that after cleaning and braaing the fish they eventually gave it to the cats because it wasn’t overly tasty. The cheek!

Look. I am by no means a vegetarian. I love meat (not fish!) but I don’t like seeing the animals suffer. Just before Christmas Rudi and I went to buy a half a lamb. We watched them cut the lamb up and I was so upset by the sight of it I wanted to leave the shop. Seeing the lamb practically intact was heartbreaking! I don’t think I’ll give up eating meat, but I don’t want to see where it comes from!

Speaking of eating…

I’ve received a lot of support online about the eating plan. It seems a lot of people have the same idea. Two ladies at work have decided to join me as well. Rudi is already turning into a dieting Nazi and nearly bit my head off when I asked for some Nesquik last night. I keep trying to tell him I’m only starting on Monday, as we’re going shopping this weekend for the food we will need. He doesn’t seem to understand this concept! He also doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t just throw an egg into the lean mince to make patties. The egg counts too! Rudi is a dieting virgin, but I’ll whip him into shape in no time! He he. That and he’ll watch me like a hawk!

We’re also going to the movies on Friday to watch Saw V. It will be the last time we go to the movies and will be able to eat the BIG, BIG popcorn! (Trust me to be thinking of the food instead of the time with my hubby) I think I’ll throw in a diet Coke to ease my conscience. Before you say that popcorn isn’t fattening…the popcorn at the movies is oil popped, not air popped, so it IS fattening. *sigh* only the dry air popped stuff is OK to eat.

I am so tired now already. I’ve worked for 7 consecutive days and seriously need some time off! Roll on weekend!

Tired much?

I had a rough morning. I had a little cry or two at my desk.

I’m trying to make sense of things in my head, but the more rational I try to be, the more my heart muddles up what I’m trying to achieve. I guess I’m going to need to sit down my impatient self and give myself a good talking to. Perhaps I am to learn patience. This may be the lesson life is trying to teach me.

I’m exhausted after working the weekend and cannot WAIT to get out of here. I don’t really have any more work to do, but since I’m a clock puncher I’ll have to wait the day out. Yet another thing that requires the patience that I do not have.

I’m writing this blog entry in word in order to disguise it as work. I have no idea if it is working. I’ve stuck a little work graphic at the top of the page to fool passers by who have nothing better to do than to stick their nose into my monitor.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

P.S. This is my 200th post. I wish I had something more exciting to say.

Goodbye 2008

This morning I woke up to the last day of 2008 with a wonderful man in my arms who drives me nuts most of the time and my fingertips brushing the fur of our baby who destroys the carpet I love on a regular basis and I couldn't help but think I am a little lucky. Throughout what has probably been the worst year of my life these two breathing beings have never wavered. Granted, we have had our disagreements, but we still all love each other. That is most important.

I bid this year farewell with great joy. I cannot wait to leave it behind. I had high hopes for 2008 as well:

2007 has been a really good year for me. I got married and progressed very well at work. 2007 exceeded my expectations. I hope that 2008 will do the same and more.

So much for that. So many people died this year, got sick this year and had terrible things happen to them. I am glad it's over. I could almost erase this year from my life without regret. Almost.

I have, however, made very good friends this year. People who have enriched my life and whom I would be sad to lose. These people have supported me through this year and helped Rudi carry the load, although I have a feeling he is unaware of this. We also moved into our new home which has made quite a difference in our lives. We love living there. These are the two things I will treasure from 2008.

Yesterday after work Rudi and I took a drive to The Brass Bell to meet some bloggers. I met Wenchy and Noid who are really lovely. I honestly didn't think I would get to meet them as they are from Johannesburg and I never go there. I also met Angel, her son, Glugster and Jane who I still cannot connect to a blog at the moment. We had a good time drinking cocktails and chatting about various things. It was surreal meeting these people that I share my life with and whose lives I read about. I really enjoyed it and it was totally worth the drive out. We'll be having Angel and them over for a braai on Wednesday, just before they leave. Suddenly I want to go to Johannesburg to meet all the bloggers that they already know who I am dying to meet!

I am not really looking forward to tonight or tomorrow. We didn't make any solid plans for New Years and have now been invited last-minute to people that are kind of boring. Rudi knows them from darts or something. The last time we were there I was thoroughly bored. The lady of the house is nice and everything, but she's really quiet and doesn't talk much. Unfortunately for him the man of the house reminds me of Crack Head and that doesn't bode well for our future interactions. Perhaps there will be other people there that I can interact with. New Years is the perfect excuse for a party and usually I would join in to the festivities no holds barred, but I'm working tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am working alone in my portfolio for the first time since I have been here. Many of my colleagues have done this and survived, but I have been dreading it for quite some time. I will be solely responsible for the reporting, escalation and monitoring of any network failures and since I support our largest customer base...that is a huge responsibility. Things also tend to go screwy on New Year's somehow. It's expected. Billing problems, outstanding credits, congestion on recharges, making calls...you name it...it might break. Luckily I don't see to SMS. That is almost guaranteed to break. That aside I plan to be hungover at the very least, but I'd like to get some shut eye before coming in next year.

Winding down

Today has been a really frustrating work day. Half of our team has already left, but the system we're meant to be working on has been up and down all day leaving us with nothing to do. We have over enough work that needs to get done, but no way of doing it while the system is down. I am so frustrated that I have to sit here, willing to work, but have no way of doing it. Then why waste my time? I'll be going home in an hour and 15 minutes anyway - just let me go. I'll play catch up tomorrow.

Most of management is out of office though, so nobody to send us home early.

This year is winding down really quickly. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of the year. It has been a really crap year for me and I'm happy to be seeing the back end of it. I had a really awesome year in 2007, so I'm hoping that 2008 was my charma for 2007 and that I'll get good kharma next year for all the crap I had to eat up in 2008. Sjoe. That sounds bitter. Maybe I am a little bitter, but I will pull myself together and shut up for 2009.

Positive thoughts, happy times and a good year is what awaits.

No New Year's resolutions for me. Bugger that. I never stick to them anyways.

We don't really have plans for New Year's Eve. Looks like we'll be spending it alone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it can be really boring if we don't plan something nice to do *sigh* We'll see how things pan out.

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I've always like him...I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He's a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It's nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent...and now I'm not. I was going to be a mother...and now I'm not. My entire life was going to change...and now it hasn't. There was all this expectation and build up...and now...nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don't mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'll have two. I've also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say 'I've always wanted to be pregnant, I've just never wanted a baby', because that's exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say "I want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant", because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I've become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn't set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I'm helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!

Back at Work

I'm officially back at work today. Rudi and I hardly slept a wink last night, so I'm exhausted (Note to self: Take prescribed sleeping tablet tonight). I've been crying at least half the time I've been here. Everyone has been so sweet. I told my manager I would be OK if everyone just stopped asking me if I'm OK. I know they mean well, I really do, but I'm not OK and I'm just being reminded of it.

I cried in my manager's office. He was really supportive and said he will arrange more time off if I need it and that he wishes everything of the best for me for the future, etc. My supervisor also called me in and reiterated what my manager had said.

Offering me additional time off is great and everything, but what do I do at home? I have to carry on with my life and come back to my work some time. It might as well be now. Honestly, I would much rather sit in a corner and cry or curl up under a duvet and hibernate. I cannot lie it has been really hard and I want to run, but I've glued myself on this seat till four and I will remain here all day. Tomorrow I will come back and the day after that and the day after that.

Tonight I can collapse into my husband's arms and feel loved (if he's in the mood *wink* to make me feel loved...man...you know what I mean). It could have been worse. I must remember that too. What about that accident that happened where a mother and her pregnant daughter were killed because a truck fell off a bridge on top of their car? Imagine being that baby's father. To lose the woman you love and your baby. If I had lost Rudi through this process I would not have survived it. Whether or not he's been a model husband, he's been there. He only went fishing (at the worst possible time) that one time and afterwards we had a good talk about it and I realized he needed a little space and a little time alone to deal with the loss he felt. Sometimes I wish he would tell me how he is feeling so that I know I'm not going nuts, but I need to understand that he has his own way of dealing with this and doesn't need me pushing him right now.

Two quotes from the song 'Torch' from the latest Alanis Morissette album are so true for me now, of course for her the song is about a lover:

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on, simulating moving on

I am sure I could find a million lyrics from her songs that will help me grieve. I had almost forgotten how she allows me to go inside myself and scratch around in the dark places I dare not dwell. It's officially on my 'to do' list.

Another Monday

After how my last Monday went...I'm officially "Garfield" about Mondays. I am waiting for a call from the gynae. His receptionist said on Friday that they have received the results and report from the specialist and once he's looked over it she'll give me a call to schedule an appointment. She said she'll call me early Monday morning. She obviously doesn't start work as soon as I open my eyes, but I'm anxious for her call. Rudi is on standby as well.

I was a bit more optimistic over the weekend. Feeling better about things and less negative than I was on Friday, but we still have a decision to make.

Going to church yesterday was difficult. I had to duck out of church quickly to avoid the empathetic people who only mean well, but tend to make me burst into tears.

Coming in to work today was harder. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm having an anxiety attack. The people that were informed have been respectfully quiet and haven't probed me. The people that don't know, however, have come up to me asking how I am and asking how baby is. If we decide to terminate I think I'll request a departmental meeting while I'm not here to avoid the questions afterwards.

Hold thumbs that the gynae calls soon and that he sees us today.

Bit of This and That

I receive this gift from The Original Gunslinger (and his lady sai I'm sure), for my chap (the baby) today:



Isn't it cute?! It's blue, but Eeyore has a pink rose in his mouth so I'm sure it could go either way :)

I'm back at work and as practically as soon as I walked in here I started feeling nauseous again. I'm starting to wonder if my body just doesn't like being at work. I think it's QUITE possible.

The house is pretty much sorted out. Just one room is still in chaos, but I'll sort that out soon.

I can't wait to get Amber out of the house...the litterbox (more specifically the smell of the litterbox) is driving me to vomit! I think we'll try and get her out today...or at least put the litterbox on the balcony.

We had our first braai (bbq) at our new place last night. It was cosy and really nice. I'm starting to <3 my new home!

Updates

I've worked the whole weekend and I'm really tired. I was going to take time of in lieu of overtime worked this week, but Saturday was a public holiday and the money should be super. Besides that I realized I'm on study leave on Wednesday and Thursday. We're writing an exam on Friday for the course I've been doing since last year. This will be the final step and if I pass the exam I should have some formal qualification. It would really be nice to have something like that under my belt. We'll see how it goes.

I was really ill on Saturday. After leaving work I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't even go and visit my grandfather in hospital. He was very understanding since he was feeling down in the dumps himself when I saw him on Friday, so he could relate. I did, however, go and see him yesterday and I must say he is doing really well. He isn't using the morphine anymore and the doctor has him eating normal food again. Considering the fact that they removed a part of his digestive system, this bodes will for him.

My jeans are all too tight for me, save one pair. I'm going to have to buy one or two more pants if I want to make it through a week without repeating the same bottoms.

Leeza bought a present for the baba. I wanted to post a picture of it, but blogger is throwing me 'error on page' messages the whole time. Balls. I'll post a picture later if possible.



Damn - problem at work. Gotta fly.