Hello 2009

My letter to this year:

Dearest 2009

I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches - that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through 'circumstances' to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don't pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is - you might want to ask him.

Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I'll do my best.

Warm Regards

acidicice

I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven't really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.

2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.

When I was younger I often asked myself the question "How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?". I may have been of a woman's age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a 'grown up' now and will be exposed to all the crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I've been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time - but adulthood has become very real to me recently.

I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.

I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.

Goodbye 2008

This morning I woke up to the last day of 2008 with a wonderful man in my arms who drives me nuts most of the time and my fingertips brushing the fur of our baby who destroys the carpet I love on a regular basis and I couldn't help but think I am a little lucky. Throughout what has probably been the worst year of my life these two breathing beings have never wavered. Granted, we have had our disagreements, but we still all love each other. That is most important.

I bid this year farewell with great joy. I cannot wait to leave it behind. I had high hopes for 2008 as well:

2007 has been a really good year for me. I got married and progressed very well at work. 2007 exceeded my expectations. I hope that 2008 will do the same and more.

So much for that. So many people died this year, got sick this year and had terrible things happen to them. I am glad it's over. I could almost erase this year from my life without regret. Almost.

I have, however, made very good friends this year. People who have enriched my life and whom I would be sad to lose. These people have supported me through this year and helped Rudi carry the load, although I have a feeling he is unaware of this. We also moved into our new home which has made quite a difference in our lives. We love living there. These are the two things I will treasure from 2008.

Yesterday after work Rudi and I took a drive to The Brass Bell to meet some bloggers. I met Wenchy and Noid who are really lovely. I honestly didn't think I would get to meet them as they are from Johannesburg and I never go there. I also met Angel, her son, Glugster and Jane who I still cannot connect to a blog at the moment. We had a good time drinking cocktails and chatting about various things. It was surreal meeting these people that I share my life with and whose lives I read about. I really enjoyed it and it was totally worth the drive out. We'll be having Angel and them over for a braai on Wednesday, just before they leave. Suddenly I want to go to Johannesburg to meet all the bloggers that they already know who I am dying to meet!

I am not really looking forward to tonight or tomorrow. We didn't make any solid plans for New Years and have now been invited last-minute to people that are kind of boring. Rudi knows them from darts or something. The last time we were there I was thoroughly bored. The lady of the house is nice and everything, but she's really quiet and doesn't talk much. Unfortunately for him the man of the house reminds me of Crack Head and that doesn't bode well for our future interactions. Perhaps there will be other people there that I can interact with. New Years is the perfect excuse for a party and usually I would join in to the festivities no holds barred, but I'm working tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am working alone in my portfolio for the first time since I have been here. Many of my colleagues have done this and survived, but I have been dreading it for quite some time. I will be solely responsible for the reporting, escalation and monitoring of any network failures and since I support our largest customer base...that is a huge responsibility. Things also tend to go screwy on New Year's somehow. It's expected. Billing problems, outstanding credits, congestion on recharges, making calls...you name it...it might break. Luckily I don't see to SMS. That is almost guaranteed to break. That aside I plan to be hungover at the very least, but I'd like to get some shut eye before coming in next year.

Winding down

Today has been a really frustrating work day. Half of our team has already left, but the system we're meant to be working on has been up and down all day leaving us with nothing to do. We have over enough work that needs to get done, but no way of doing it while the system is down. I am so frustrated that I have to sit here, willing to work, but have no way of doing it. Then why waste my time? I'll be going home in an hour and 15 minutes anyway - just let me go. I'll play catch up tomorrow.

Most of management is out of office though, so nobody to send us home early.

This year is winding down really quickly. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of the year. It has been a really crap year for me and I'm happy to be seeing the back end of it. I had a really awesome year in 2007, so I'm hoping that 2008 was my charma for 2007 and that I'll get good kharma next year for all the crap I had to eat up in 2008. Sjoe. That sounds bitter. Maybe I am a little bitter, but I will pull myself together and shut up for 2009.

Positive thoughts, happy times and a good year is what awaits.

No New Year's resolutions for me. Bugger that. I never stick to them anyways.

We don't really have plans for New Year's Eve. Looks like we'll be spending it alone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it can be really boring if we don't plan something nice to do *sigh* We'll see how things pan out.

WHAT? It's almost Christmas?!

2009 is hurtling towards us at an alarming speed. It will be Christmas the day after tomorrow. I'm already celebrating Christmas with my family tomorrow. I've started making the trifle already. The ingredients cost R260.00! Oh my hat!


I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment. I find sentimental things bringing me to tears. Things that remind me of James are making me cry. I'm trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the festive season, but sometimes I am reminded of it and I feel like breaking down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around or anything...and I know I'm entitled to feel sad and I'm allowed to cry, but I don't want to be unhappy this Christmas. Maybe it's because everyone else seems so happy that I feel slightly depressed. It's almost as if everyone has forgotten my pain (which I'm sure they haven't) and have carried on and are happy regardless (which they are also entitled to be). I cannot begrudge anyone their happiness at this time of year...but I hope they understand when I seem unhappy.

I've just realized that I have a huge analysis to do for work that is due the 29th...which means...today is actually my last day to do it. CRAP!