Hello 2009

My letter to this year:

Dearest 2009

I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches - that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through 'circumstances' to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don't pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is - you might want to ask him.

Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I'll do my best.

Warm Regards

acidicice

I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven't really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.

2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.

When I was younger I often asked myself the question "How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?". I may have been of a woman's age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a 'grown up' now and will be exposed to all the crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I've been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time - but adulthood has become very real to me recently.

I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.

I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.

Goodbye 2008

This morning I woke up to the last day of 2008 with a wonderful man in my arms who drives me nuts most of the time and my fingertips brushing the fur of our baby who destroys the carpet I love on a regular basis and I couldn't help but think I am a little lucky. Throughout what has probably been the worst year of my life these two breathing beings have never wavered. Granted, we have had our disagreements, but we still all love each other. That is most important.

I bid this year farewell with great joy. I cannot wait to leave it behind. I had high hopes for 2008 as well:

2007 has been a really good year for me. I got married and progressed very well at work. 2007 exceeded my expectations. I hope that 2008 will do the same and more.

So much for that. So many people died this year, got sick this year and had terrible things happen to them. I am glad it's over. I could almost erase this year from my life without regret. Almost.

I have, however, made very good friends this year. People who have enriched my life and whom I would be sad to lose. These people have supported me through this year and helped Rudi carry the load, although I have a feeling he is unaware of this. We also moved into our new home which has made quite a difference in our lives. We love living there. These are the two things I will treasure from 2008.

Yesterday after work Rudi and I took a drive to The Brass Bell to meet some bloggers. I met Wenchy and Noid who are really lovely. I honestly didn't think I would get to meet them as they are from Johannesburg and I never go there. I also met Angel, her son, Glugster and Jane who I still cannot connect to a blog at the moment. We had a good time drinking cocktails and chatting about various things. It was surreal meeting these people that I share my life with and whose lives I read about. I really enjoyed it and it was totally worth the drive out. We'll be having Angel and them over for a braai on Wednesday, just before they leave. Suddenly I want to go to Johannesburg to meet all the bloggers that they already know who I am dying to meet!

I am not really looking forward to tonight or tomorrow. We didn't make any solid plans for New Years and have now been invited last-minute to people that are kind of boring. Rudi knows them from darts or something. The last time we were there I was thoroughly bored. The lady of the house is nice and everything, but she's really quiet and doesn't talk much. Unfortunately for him the man of the house reminds me of Crack Head and that doesn't bode well for our future interactions. Perhaps there will be other people there that I can interact with. New Years is the perfect excuse for a party and usually I would join in to the festivities no holds barred, but I'm working tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am working alone in my portfolio for the first time since I have been here. Many of my colleagues have done this and survived, but I have been dreading it for quite some time. I will be solely responsible for the reporting, escalation and monitoring of any network failures and since I support our largest customer base...that is a huge responsibility. Things also tend to go screwy on New Year's somehow. It's expected. Billing problems, outstanding credits, congestion on recharges, making calls...you name it...it might break. Luckily I don't see to SMS. That is almost guaranteed to break. That aside I plan to be hungover at the very least, but I'd like to get some shut eye before coming in next year.

Winding down

Today has been a really frustrating work day. Half of our team has already left, but the system we're meant to be working on has been up and down all day leaving us with nothing to do. We have over enough work that needs to get done, but no way of doing it while the system is down. I am so frustrated that I have to sit here, willing to work, but have no way of doing it. Then why waste my time? I'll be going home in an hour and 15 minutes anyway - just let me go. I'll play catch up tomorrow.

Most of management is out of office though, so nobody to send us home early.

This year is winding down really quickly. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of the year. It has been a really crap year for me and I'm happy to be seeing the back end of it. I had a really awesome year in 2007, so I'm hoping that 2008 was my charma for 2007 and that I'll get good kharma next year for all the crap I had to eat up in 2008. Sjoe. That sounds bitter. Maybe I am a little bitter, but I will pull myself together and shut up for 2009.

Positive thoughts, happy times and a good year is what awaits.

No New Year's resolutions for me. Bugger that. I never stick to them anyways.

We don't really have plans for New Year's Eve. Looks like we'll be spending it alone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it can be really boring if we don't plan something nice to do *sigh* We'll see how things pan out.

WHAT? It's almost Christmas?!

2009 is hurtling towards us at an alarming speed. It will be Christmas the day after tomorrow. I'm already celebrating Christmas with my family tomorrow. I've started making the trifle already. The ingredients cost R260.00! Oh my hat!


I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment. I find sentimental things bringing me to tears. Things that remind me of James are making me cry. I'm trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the festive season, but sometimes I am reminded of it and I feel like breaking down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around or anything...and I know I'm entitled to feel sad and I'm allowed to cry, but I don't want to be unhappy this Christmas. Maybe it's because everyone else seems so happy that I feel slightly depressed. It's almost as if everyone has forgotten my pain (which I'm sure they haven't) and have carried on and are happy regardless (which they are also entitled to be). I cannot begrudge anyone their happiness at this time of year...but I hope they understand when I seem unhappy.

I've just realized that I have a huge analysis to do for work that is due the 29th...which means...today is actually my last day to do it. CRAP!

2008 in a nutshell

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Fell pregnant, bought my own Christmas tree and decorations and celebrated a wedding anniversary

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My son died 2008-11-05.

5. What countries did you visit?
None! Who has money for travel?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby and more time with family and friends

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2008-06-11 - The date it was confirmed I am pregnant
2008-10-20 - The date we heard that all was not well with our baby
2008-11-05 - The date we lost our baby

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not losing my mind completely.

9. What was your biggest failure in 2008?
Not managing to pay off ALL my debt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had morning sickness for more than three months, not technically an illness, but I felt ill every day. Spent some time in hospital.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Christmas tree!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rudi. He has been my rock. He put up with me when I was unbelievably difficult and still loves me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Evil Mother, as usual. Jubba too.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt and doctor's appointments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
It's difficult to say, but I'm loving Rihanna's Disturbia right now. It stands out.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, strangely enough. Not much, just a few kilos.
c) Richer or poorer? Poorer! I have doctor's bills to pay :(

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spend time with family, laughing, exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and swearing.

20. How do you plan on spending Christmas?
Christmas Eve with my family, eating and opening gifts. Christmas Day with the in laws...Don't know what we're doing?

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. I stayed in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
None :)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Survivor!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes. Jubba.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Dark Tower by Stephen King. Ok, so it's 7 books, but it was AWESOME!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The new Alanis Morissette.

27. What did you want and get?
My favourite perfume.

28. What did you want and not get?
A healthy baby.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wanted

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I did nothing on my birthday. I was too sick. I was/am 27.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Still being pregnant, earning more money and having my own house!

33. What kept you sane?
My friends and family. Bless them!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angelina Jolie

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama's victory.

36. Who did you miss?
James.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah and the ladies from the parenting community.

38. Tell us what valuable life lessons you learned in 2008.

I've learned to appreciate your friends and family and to take nothing for granted. I've learned that God has a plan and you have to stick to it, no matter what you want. I've learned that everything really does happen for a reason, even if you don't know what the reason is immediately. I've learned that the world moves on, even though your pain and sorrow lingers. I've learned that life is valuable and you need to enjoy it. I've learned that nobody is invincible. I've learned that more people care than you realize. I've learned that you cannot trust everyone not to talk about you behind your back. I've learned that my husband really loves me deeply and I doubt it too much. I've learned than I am stronger than I thought.

I stole this from Wenchy's blog. Please feel free to steal and link back in the comments!