pregnancy week by week

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

From blonde to brunette...

So last night Sarah and I got together and transformed me from a blonde to a brunette. Took less than an hour and here are the results:

My hair before:

This last one is going to my new profile pic for sure :)

What you think?

Tuesday, 28 April 2009


The weeked turned out to be pretty cool. On Friday we went to braai (BBQ) at Lindor's house. I went to make a turn at Sarah's house as they were also having a party to which were invited. After returning to Lindor and having a bite I convinced Rudi that we should go to Sarah's house to their party too. We ended up being the last people there (that rarely happens) and only got home around 2am.

The next morning...not so much fun. Tequila is the devil. I am *really* one of those people that the following saying applies to: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, floor. I only had four shots of tequila and one bottle of wine stretched and shared over the entire evening, but that last Tequila...hit me between the eyes. I had a hangover of note on Saturday. I don't think I've ever been so thirsty in my life! For some daft reason we decided to go and do grocery shopping on Saturday. What a freaking nightmare! We stood in a queue at Checkers for almost an hour just to pay! I was really grumpy! We did, however, also go and cash in the vouchers I won from @Dulcecafe on Twitter. They have competitions once a week on Twitter, sort of like a viral campaign and I won a R50 meal voucher and a 25MB wi-fi voucher. Pretty cool.

On Sunday it was our anniversary. Married for 2 years, together for 8. To think I was worried about beating Rudi's record of 2 years with his ex (yeah I don't know why I'm like that). She can suck it. WA HA HA HA. Rudi wished me just after I got up and I made him some breakfast. After church we went shopping for some fruit and veg and Beauty Queen and SLK invited us for lunch. Rudi was going to take me out to lunch anyway, so we went with them. After that we went to camera_obscura's house and chilled there for a while.

We had an Apostle service on Sunday morning and the strangest thing happened. I heard a message for Sarah. It was quite weird because I often hear messages for myself and for Nellie (because Nellie and I talk about our faith and often hear things for each other), but for Sarah? The company Sarah is working for are liquidating and she had to go in on Monday to find out if she still has a job. The Apostle prayed for those who were on the verge of losing their jobs. I called Sarah and told her about it. The outcome? She kept her job AND got an increase. Yay for her! Speaking of Sarah, we're hopefully going to pick out my new hair colour this evening and make it happen. Don't worry...I'll post photos.

Yesterday was a day of complete relaxation. We didn't even leave the house. We lay on the couch and watched movies ALL DAY. We tried to watch all three Lord of the Rings movies, but only managed two. Probably because we stopped to cook and watch our regular programming on a Monday. I'm watching the last one now.

How I managed to lose a kilo through all of this eating and vegging is beyond me, but I will not complain.

Oh. I'm not pregnant.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Almost Debt Free...

I saw my grandfather at church last night and no phone call yet. No news is good news in this case. I think it's so unfair that they didn't at least let him know by when he can expect a call. If he had known that he would know by Friday for instance and no call came, he could be relieved. Now we don't even know whether or not they have really checked.

Personally I feel really good. A policy of mine paid out (I cancelled it in favour of better cover) and I've used the money to pay off my credit card that yields the highest interest and paid a massive R2000 towards the pathologist bill. Next month is a bonus month and I intend to settle the straight facility of my other credit card and the pathologist bill (depending on the balance). I will then officially be debt free, spare the TV we just bought and my car. Not bad considering 3 years ago I was up to my eye balls in debt thanks to My Evil Mother. Of course I had a few small debts of my own, but the majority of the debt was made for/by My Evil Mother. I struggled to make monthly payments and had to cash in another savings policy just to keep my head above water. Now I even have savings! I've never had saving in my life. Financial freedom is wonderful. Being able to buy something your heart desires, because you can afford it...priceless.

I will be on leave for the next week, so I won't be blogging. I know you'll miss me. WA HA HA HA. I've already exceeded my data bundle on my phone so I won't be connecting from home. I suspect my laptop is downloading stuff it shouldn't be when I connect which is why it is chowing through my bundle. I must remember to download an anti-virus programme today and run it at home.

I'll still be on Twitter and Facebook for those who speak to me there.


I've just requested some extra bundle, in case I *need* to blog :)

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:

After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!

You'll remember our TV used to look like this:

Now it looks like this:

Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.


Tuesday, 21 April 2009


Yeah, OK. I know I'm getting fatter and I know I'm undoing all my hard work. I seriously need to get back on to the bandwagon and start eating well and excercising again. This is utter nonsense! I have to get my ass into gear.

On another note of vanity, Rudi has suggested that I ditch my blonde locks and got back to my natural colour (which he has never seen, other than my roots sticking out). I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't really have pictures of the 3 months stint in which I had dark I can't put up pictures for you to decide. The blonde suits me, it really does...but it's a bitch to maintain and to keep looking nice all the time. Even now I feel like my roots are getting out of hand.

So - question is: Blonde or brunette? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!

I promised pictures of my gifts from Leebeesa. I figured if I was going to wait till I take them with my proper camera it could take a while, so I snapped a few pics so you could see:

Tulip bulbs

Hand painted bowl

Flashing rubber ducky (this duck flashes different colour lights and is for the baby that is yet to come)

Butterfly earrings

Thank you Leebeesa for the lovely gifts! I hope I manage to cultivate the tulips!

Monday, 20 April 2009

Weekend and Politics

Our weekend wasn't too bad. Had a braai on Friday night. Everyone had a good time it seemed. I drank an entire bottle of red wine, but seemed to be the only sober person there.

On Saturday we had a nice lie in. Slept till 10am - something we're almost incapable of doing under normal circumstances. I'm sure the late night on Saturday night contributed. Saturday was quite a relaxed day, until my grandfather called and asked us to come over. So we had to peel ourselves off the couch, shower, get dressed and everything. What a mission. Especially since winter seemed to arrive this weekend and it was quite chilly.

Sunday morning was church as usual. Rudi couldn't be bothered and was still under the covers when I got home. I decided to take off my fancy clothes and creep in with him. What a pleasure. Yesterday was Rudi's parents 40th wedding anniversary so we went to a restaurant called The Quarter Deck in Grand West Casino. The outside of the restaurant is shaped like the deck of a ship - hence the name. They have a buffet lunch for R150.00 a head. I don't think it's really worth the money for me, but Rudi makes up for it. He had quite a few plates of mussels and prawns. I cannot tell you whether or not the seafood is nice (as I don't eat seafood), but you could definitely get your money's worth. As we didn't have any money to go Rudi's parents paid for us. That was very sweet of them.

Turns out my overtime worked has not been approved since March. I have over 20 hours worth of overtime that I should have gotten the end of April. Fail. Now I'll have to wait for it till the end of May. I was really looking forward to having some extra money at the end of this month, perhaps to have my hair done, but it seems that is not going to happen. May is a bonus month for us, so I will have over enough money next month anyway - and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get screwed on tax. Fortunately we receive our annual increase this month and that might just help a little bit (I hope).

Wednesday this week is election day in South Africa. I can't wait to go and make my X. It's the first time I have ever registered to vote (yeah, I'm bad, I know) and it's going to be a very exciting election. I am normally apathetic towards politics, but South African citizens have an opportunity in this election to change the country. I certainly hope that the result of this election will be positive for South Africa and that a new era of politics will begin...

Friday, 17 April 2009

My toe hurts!

Ugh! I bumped my toe yesterday! It was *really* sore! Look:

Don't bother blowing up the picture, it's really blurry up close, but you get the idea! Rudi is very unsympathetic...silly bugger. At least the ovulation pain seems to have disappeared today.

Cafe Viva fixed my media player for me free of charge! I'm so stoked. I would have been really upset if I had to replace it. Media players are so expensive and right now I just don't have the money.

*another* pregnancy announced at work. I'm really going to have to grow another few layers of skin so that this doesn't get to me! I officially have 5 pregnant people in my life right now and I'm not one of them. Fun.

Also, all the elevators in our building are broken today. Had to take the stairs. I swear it is my punishment for being too lazy to exercise this week.

I was totally sucked in by the race between CNN and Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher whipped CNN. Weird! For those that don't know Ahston Kutcher (@aplusk) and his wife, Demi Moore (@mrskutcher) both actually tweet themselves - no PR or staff involved. It's very cool of them.

Also I got a mention on Darla's Blog!

OK. Enough randomness for now. It's Friday! Yay!

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Ovulating - ACK!

So...the ovulation pain I'm experiencing this month is ridiculous! I was *so* sore last night that I had to stay home from church. Normal movements hurt! How am I supposed to forget about getting pregnant when my body is screaming at me that it is time to try? We haven't. Tried, that is. I checked my ovulation microscope this morning. I shouldn't have, but I did. To make sure this wretched pain is due to ovulation and nothing else. Urgh. You know this doesn't happen when you're on the pill. Rudi seems to be excited by the fact that I am in excrutiating pain and has decided it's time to make hay while the sun is shining. He doesn't seem to understand that bouncing around is only going to add to my discomfort...but he has a point, doesn't he? How do you expect to magically get pregnant without actually...well...doing what it takes?

I'm really excited about an order I want to place. I'm going to have to keep it on the down low since it involves a certain someone that reads my blog - but I'm excited!

In case you were wondering, work has slowed down somewhat. It's much more manageable now, but still busy.

Leebeesa brought me some gifts from her trip overseas. I'll post some photos ASAP. I want to take photos with my actual camera as cell phone pics often do not do them justice.

Gotta run!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009


Ovulation pain is freaking killing me today! I hate it!

Baby Daniel was born yesterday. I received the call shortly before 3PM. Here are some pictures:

He is truly GORGEOUS!!! Nellie and Goliath are both thrilled and in awe of their new bundle of joy. I am completely ecstatic for them! For some reason with Nellie in particular I don't feel resentful at all. I think it is because she's supported me so unconditionally and because I know that she had to try really hard to bring Daniel into the world.

Many congrats to them!

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Franshoek Photos

As promised, my favourite photos of our time in Franshoek. Didn't actually get *nice* photos, but there are a few I like...

Creepy ass doll. I hate creepy dolls. This was at the museum in Franshoek.

Rudi and I

Stuffed animals...Again, creepy.

And of course...the flower shot. Always have to have a flower macro in there somewhere...

The reason I wanted to go there in the first place, the autumn trees...

Rudi and my grandfather - the two most important men in my life

My grandfather and I

The lady at the Hugenote monument - she looks so proud...

I want to call this one 'If I were an ant'


The menus for our lunch

Rudi and I

There you go then!

+ 400g body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!

Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.

Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.

My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:

Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33

I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.

Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her I guess she'll help me along (again)....

Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...

P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)

Wednesday, 08 April 2009


I'm sorry, but there will be no blog until the shit storm at work is sorted out.

No time.

Tuesday, 07 April 2009

-1.2 kg

Oh YAY! I honestly thought that the scale was going to swear at me this morning. Despite the fact that I drank my water last week and exercised. So I've not only shaken off that 200g I picked up last week...I've lost an extra kilo as well! Now I've officially lost 7kg since I started! That is...14 blocks of margarine! I am very proud of myself! I cannot remember the last time I've lost 7kg. When I was on Weight Watchers almost 5 years ago I think I lost around 6kg before giving up.

Last night, on a whim, we walked from our place to my grandparents house. It has to be at least 3 - 4 kilometres and includes a hill I didn't think I would make it up. The whole walk took us arund 37 minutes which really isn't too bad. If I could do that once a week and lose weight I would do it!

Rudi seems to be on his own little mission. Last night I was asked how many days ago my last cycle started and he started counting things. I'm not sure what he thinks he's doing. He is still counting 14 days - which is technically incorrect as I have a longer (and irregular) cycle (at the moment). I suppose it's really sweet that he's trying...but he clearly didn't get the message when I told him I'm not. I tried to convey this to him last night again. I explained to him how I am feeling and that it really hurts a lot to be disappointed each month. He doesn't seem to understand *why* I'm disappointed each month. I guess I shouldn't expect him to understand.

So as I'm shifting my focus I've been trying to concentrate on the good things in life. The freedom I can enjoy before I have a child. The things I most likely take for granted now. Being able to sleep, drink, watch TV, spend time with Rudi, sexy time and basically everything I do now. Everyone knows babies change your entire life, forever even if they don't live.

So another busy day at work. This new product is driving me nuts! Hopefully today will fly by like the rest. Being busy really helps for that.

Monday, 06 April 2009

Good Weekend

Finally I have found some time to blog. The Company launched a new product on Friday and it is experiencing some teething problems to say the least. Of course I am working in the department that deals with the customer complaints for this specific product. I'm overjoyed. Not.

Other than that, life while not TTC (trying to conceive) is a happy time. I really feel much better and I find I am enjoying life much more without having to constrain myself all the time. Just going out and attending parties/braais (BBQ's), not stressing about drinking a glass of wine. It truly is great. Perhaps that is why my mood is beginning to improve. May I also just time...WOW. I forgot what that was like. I forgot how much fun it can be! OK...I didn't *really* forget, it had just faded to the edges of my memory.

I went to go and see that girl...the one who gave birth on James' due date. Apparently she didn't realize. She is so nice and so sweet really. I feel bad for feeling resentful sometimes. Although, there are other aspects of her life that I am definitely not jealous of. Therein lies the balance I guess. I had to steel myself to go and see her and nearly started crying at some point during our conversation. She admits that having a newborn is extremely hard work, it all seems so overwhelming! I left her to go back to Sarah's housewarming to further drown my sorrows (a perk of being neither pregnant nor parent)

Speaking of which...what a P.A.R.T.Y! The housewarming was awesome! Despite the fact that I was surrounded by skinny girls the whole night (really, almost all of them looked the same!) I really had a good time. Nothing like a couple of bottles of red wine and some vodka shots to throw your inhibitions out the window. Shame, Rudi was shattered. At some point he went to go sleep in the car. Poowa bebe.

We had a Chief Apostle service on Sunday morning. Our Chief Apostle serves communion for the departed souls. As I've mentioned before, in our religion we believe there is grace for those who have gone before us. I prayed that James would partake of communion with the other souls. It was quite emotional for me. After the communion for the departed souls was served, a young girl sang a solo. The name of the hymn was 'I have a home'. It brought me to tears. I couldn't help feel like it was a message for me from James. A small something to make me feel better. I'm sure there were many other people that could relate and felt comforted by this.

Nellie will be giving birth next week Tuesday. Time has flown so quickly and she's nervous and excited. Nellie and I are both religious people. Sometimes we seem to have experiences of faith on behalf of each other. The opening hymn for our Chief Apostle service was 'Dare to be a Daniel' (obviously relating to the story of Daniel in the lion's den). Nellie is naming her son Daniel. The hymns for such a service are *very* carefully selected and it seemed so apt. She was touched when I conveyed this to her. She gets it.

All in all I had a good weekend. I am so glad that I didn't have to work with all the problems this new product has caused. Can't wait for the long weekend!

Friday, 03 April 2009


I literally fell out of bed this morning. It was funny, but not really funny at the time so much. I got up, and obviously didn't do it very well and I tipped over against the wall. I righted myself and then tripped over the wires next to my bed. No serious injuries. Not even a bruise, I think. Despite the manner in which I was rudely awoken...I am in a fantastic mood today! I have a vibey song stuck in my head and I can't help shaking "it" every now and then...

I have *no* idea why...but I am not going to complain! I can't remember the last time I felt like this! Positive and happy (even wearing my Clinique Happy today)...just marvellous! I'm obviously also happy because it's Friday and I can finally have a lie in tomorrow morning.

There was a slight 'hiccup' with my bonus calculation. I received a poor score for something I *know* I do properly...Jubba has been investigating for a the last 3 days. This morning we checked together and they were wrong! The report was incorrect and I scored 100% instead of 81%. In your faces! I knew it!

Phew...a lot of "!" for one post :)

No huge plans for the weekend. I'm looking forward to Sarah and Brad's housewarming tomorrow night. We also have a Chief Apostle service on Sunday - which only starts at 10...another little lie in on Sunday then.

We just received free t-shirts from work and mine actually fits. It's definitely my day today. The workload doesn't even look too heavy. I am going to play the lotto today. This lucky streak is too good to waste!

On a side note...I really have to find a better way of organizing my earrings and necklaces:

I thought buying this stand thingie would really help so that my necklaces don't get tangled and knotted (Rudi eventually started refusing to de-tangle and un-knot them)...but I've acquired so many earrings and things in the interim...the above happened. Also, this little stand doesn't hold my stud earrings. Any have a workable idea for me?

Thursday, 02 April 2009

Analytics Searches

I found a few funny search terms in my Google Analytics...I thought I'd share them:

coloured ladies that wana mxit from the welkom
come easy go easy james plot
i cant pee [Ed: I *can*, just not in cups]
saliva test ovulation bitch fern [Ed: WTF?]
nap credit mig33

The things people search for are quite funny sometimes! I don't get enough searches to post this regularly, but I will definitely post more once I have enough.

Hard Work and Stuff

Sjoe. I worked *very* hard yesterday. We're understaffed it seems, although the general perception seems to be that we can handle it. I leave work at 16:00 (I start at 07:00), usually I have 20 minutes or so at the end of the day to unwind, check e-mail or whatever. Yesterday I finished my work at 15:59. I really had to rush. It was horrible. I don't really feel that each query gets the attention it needs when we're so pressured, but hey. I'm doing the best I can!

Leebeesa is currently on holiday. She went to Holland, UK and Ireland. Yesterday she went to visit St. Patrick's Cathedral and she wrote James' name down in the prayer book there. That was so sweet of her. When she sent me a message to tell me about it I cried. Special.

Other than that it seems that it's going to be another busy day at work. No time to write long blog entries today.

TGIF tomorrow...I can't wait for my weekend off.

Wednesday, 01 April 2009

Shifting Focus

I'm already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night "I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn't care". Wouldn't that be nice? Just "not caring". I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It's a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I'm sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don't think I'm in a position to comprehend this right now.

I also read Tertia's blog a little. I don't have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven't tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.

Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don't think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don't mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.

For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I'm only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It's dirt cheap too.

I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it's just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I'm getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don't enjoy it. It's not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he's difficult to say no.

So...I need to change the way I'm thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!