So I had a rough day on Friday. After receiving the photos at work I broke down and asked my supervisor if I could leave early. At the beginning of the week both he and my manager said it was OK if I needed time off and I really did on Friday, although it always seems dodgy on a Friday doesn't it?
I went to my grandfather's house and went to view the photos there. I agree with My Evil Mother and grandmother that it looks like it would have been a boy. I feel a certain peace about that, because I was unsure. My family and the doctors were giving me conflicting information and this confused me even more. For all I know girls look like that at some stage too (hence the doctor's hesitance to say), but to all of us it seems that the baby was a boy. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He would have been a handsome fellow. I was very torn up after viewing the photos and had the support of my family.
Friday evening we picked up my cousin (she's visiting from London) and we had a very chilled out evening together. Yesterday when we took her back we ended up spending a lot of time with the family which was nice. We bought two pedestals from my cousin for our bedroom and her mother gave us a really nice painting which fits in perfectly with my bedroom's colour scheme. When we got home I was inspired to move the entire room around and once I've sanded down my dressing table and white washed it to match the pedestals our room is going to look really nice. I hope we get this done...you know how a person ends up procrastinating and never completing something like this. Our room looks much less empty and bare now. It kind of looked like any other room with a bed, but there was no character. It's developing that now and that makes me happy.
Today we have a family braai (BBQ). It's become tradition since my cousin has left for overseas for us to have one big get together while she is here so that the entire family gets to see her. I'm going to leave work now and we'll head over that way. I'm quite looking forward to it.
I'm having an OK day today. We'll take the baby pictures with as the family are curious to see. My Evil Mother has also requested to see them and I am torn. I want her to see them, he was after all her grandchild too, but I don't want her to have a copy of them. I'm afraid she might show them to other people - perhaps even claiming the baby was hers to get sympathy and attention. I know it's a horrible thought, but I would put nothing past her. Perhaps I should go and visit and take my laptop with to show her, then I wouldn't need to print them out or save them on an external device. I feel sorry for her in some capacity at the moment. She feels extremely left out of this huge event that has happened in my life, because I left her out. She was emotionally and financially unavailable to me when she was putting me through hell - now I'm going through hell again without her, because I have learnt I do not need her. I have enough other family to love and support me, although I don't know what I would have done without my grandparents. I want to buy them big Christmas presents this year, because they deserve it. Even if that means I'm broke until the end of January.
My grandfather popped on yesterday morning and saw my cousin for the first time. He told her that I've been so brave and that he is very proud of me. I wanted to cry. I am so proud of him for what he is going through with his treatment at the moment. Why do we not tell the people we love how we feel? Why didn't he say this to me? Why haven't I told him that I am proud of him? We tend to tell other people the good things about the people in our lives, despite them needing to hear it most.
I think everyone should make a concerted effort to tell their loved ones, friends and colleagues about the things they do right. I'm going to do try and do this while I am counting my blessings and not taking things for granted.
~~Our Precious James~~
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