Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin's blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process...he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I'd ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I'm sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn't have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can't even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother...I don't even KNOW what I'm going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi's parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her...but it won't be what *I* had and I don't think it's selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

Birthdays and Movies

Today is My Evil Mother's birthday. Had my grandmother not reminded me in church yesterday morning I would have completely forgotten. That is how disconnected I am from her and her life. I suppose I should get her something. I feel obligated somehow. Not that I bought her something the last two years (just returning the favour since she hasn't bought me gifts for the past 5), but we exchanged gifts at Christmas and I guess this has set the ball rolling again. Her birthday is before mine, as luck would have it.

It's my birthday soon. I have no idea what to do. It's the second consecutive year that I am pregnant, so no drinking or partying for me. Rudi wanted to take me to The Mount where we had our wedding reception, which is a very sweet and romantic idea. I kind of feel like a restaurant would be a bit of a waste though since I'm suddenly very fussy about what I want to eat and risk throwing up my expensive meal or feeling like I want to throw it up. That kind of sucks the fun out of it.

Any suggestions for what I might do?

The weekend was not bad. I managed to scrape through without throwing up, but did feel nauseous most of the time. I managed to schedule in a nap on Saturday and Sunday...but I still didn't want to get up this morning.

Yesterday we went to Canal Walk to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D. I freaking HATE Canal Walk. It's a HUGE shopping center and we got lost trying to find the cinema. We were constantly consulting the maps and still feeling completely lost. The queues for popcorn were really long and Rudi barely made it in before the movie started. The movie was pretty cool. Ice Age seems to be one of those franchises that aren't deteriorating every time they release a movie. We had a good giggle at the fact that the "monster" in the movie was named Rudi :)

I'm really looking forward to watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Leebeesa next Sunday. The reviews are already sounding good!


************SPOILER ALERT****************

If you have not yet watched Knowing with Nicholas Cage and you don't wish to know how it ends, stop reading now. I warned you.

I really enjoyed the idea of the movie. I liked the 'puzzle' aspect of it...and the supernatural feeling it had to it...but then there were aliens. I'm not so much into sci-fi so didn't find that part interesting or well thought out in the least. Personally I don't think I could think of a better way to end it, but I think there was potential there for a fantastic ending. When I was under the impression that just the two main character's children were being taken I wondered about the inbred race they would spawn, so I was relieved to see other pods or spaceships or whatever taking off from the planet earth.

I liked the way they chose to end the world. BOOM.

I also found it a bit confusing when Caleb (son of Nicholas Cage's character) started writing down the numbers. This would lead me to believe that the numbers don't necessarily 'run out' and that he is perhaps predicting further events. I found that small part a little bit contradicting.

But I'm no movie critic! Let me know what you thought!

My Evil Mother - Needs to go!

*deep breath* I could kill My Evil Mother, although, I shouldn't say that on my blog...just in case I do.

My uncle was put on short time a little while ago (due to the economy I guess) and very recently my aunt lost the little work from home job she had that gave her a little income each month. No doubt because My Evil Mother kept on phoning out all the airtime her boss put on her phone so she could do telemarketing and make appointments for him to see prospective clients.

My uncle was paid a very small amount this week and it doesn't look like they'll have enough money for petrol, food and the water account. My grandmother asked me to help, but I don't think that would be condusive to getting My Evil Mother out of there. I do not want to see them go hungry (which they very well might), but if you give them anything, she will get her grubby paws on it. She has said she doesn't mind not having food since she doesn't eat much. Selfish bitch. *ahem* Excuse me.

She is working at the moment, for minimum wage, but a job none the less. She hasn't given them any money for the past three weeks (and very little before that, she's been living there for over a year, her husband with her at a stage and they have given less than R1000 in all that time) and has said she was short paid. In the meantime she is making appointments to have her legs waxed.

I'm hoping that she will leave as the grass is no longer green where she is, or that they will finally have the resolve to kick her out on her ass. They seem to think she's going to 'be out on the street'. Are they STUPID? This women is so very cunning and manipulative she'll show up at YOUR door and talk you into letting her stay.

*sigh*

My Evil Mother and Grandfather updates

So. Great news! My grandfather's colon is cancer free. He is so elated by this news that he is even considering another round of chemo instead of the operation on his liver. The chemo will make him very ill, but he feels he will still be able to work when he is having chemo whereas he will be off work for a full month if he has the operation to remove the cancer from his liver. He'll be seeing a specialist in about a week to discuss his options and take things from there.

I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate his health, their 47 year wedding anniversary, his birthday (which is on the 13th of June) and to thank him for looking after Amber while we were away. We had a nice quiet dinner. It was lovely.

My Evil Mother is up to her old tricks. Her husband let it slip that my aunt could afford to 'lose her pension' as she works from home. Just goes to show what they must have been scheming about. My aunt's pension, which she worked hard for. My Evil Mother is still living with my aunt and uncle, although her husband was kicked out after one too many drunken tantrums at all hours of the morning. She tried to get him back in with promises of money (seeing as how they don't pay rent or contribute in any way) and some luxury food items. Luckily, for once, my uncle stood firm and kept by his decision. My Evil Mother has been hell to live with ever since. Rudi could not believe the way My Evil Mother spoke to my uncle in his own house. If My Evil Mother is really that desperate to be with her husband, then she should go and stay with him and his mother. My Evil Mother has told us horror stories of how his mother is evil and how she is an alcoholic. I think the actual story is that she is much more demanding about incoming contributions and them pulling their weight than my aunt and uncle are.

My Evil Mother *loves* throwing our religion/beliefs in our faces. She'll often say things like 'God doesn't sleep' - she seems totally oblivious to the fact that the same applies to her. Sometimes it's funny, but for people like my grandfather and my uncle who both hold ministries within the church the guilt trip she takes them along for is often effective. Last Wednesday in church she went as far as to keep her communion wafer and to shove it in my uncle's hand after church saying 'You need it more than I do'. I cracked up when I heard this. I'm actually quite sure my uncle - who was giving her a lift home from church at the time, the selfish bastard - might have cracked up also. He has a good sense of humour. My grandparents on the other hand, didn't think it was funny.

It is beyond me that My Evil Mother is still a free woman. The amount of fraud she has committed...and I'm only aware of a portion of it...must be substantial. Her ethics have always come in to question where she was employed. Just recently she went to work for a company. She had been there for less than a week and was given the company credit card to buy coffee, tea and a few other office supplies. She ended up spending R2500.00 and buying clothes and shoes for her husband. WHO DOES THAT?!

Did I ever tell you that she faked her suicide once because I refused to draw R500.00 and 'lend' it to her? This was before my eyes opened to her ways and I was in a total panic. I even phoned the police. She came home with a total BS story that didn't even make sense about how she had parked her car on the side of one of the national roads and put a pipe from the exhaust into the window (nothing blocking the open gaps in the window to prevent ventilation - DUH), she also claimed the pipe and everything were already in the car. Some 'valiant' man pulled over, took her to hospital and paid the bill apparently. What a load of bull.

Anyway...

I'm working in another portfolio today. I hate this portfolio. More often than not the feedback I have to give customers is negative and they usually get angry. It's not a nice way to spend a day. I'm the only one in my team who hasn't had a turn yet, so by default I have to go over today. Suck!

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)

Still sick

So Rudi and I were both sick yesterday. I only started feeling sick after I got to work though, so no off day for me. This morning I truly felt horrible. I was trying to eat my breakfast, but I only ate about half of it. I was feeling so nauseous. I think God is trying to remind me of what it felt like to be pregnant. It's like he's saying 'Still in a hurry?’

Well, yes.

Despite both of us feeling ill we still gave it a bash. I'm not going to miss out on an opportunity because I'm feeling ill. I'm not sick enough for that! (No, universe, I'm not asking to get sicker). I got us some medication yesterday to settle our stomachs and it seems to have worked. I don’t want to take the medication I got for nausea because I’m not too sure if that would do some damage IF I’m pregnant.

Yesterday Rudi was clearly bored and was examining my microscope. He reckons it was still ferning yesterday. I was anxious to see when I got home, but I don’t think that it was ferning per se, but like I said my body is telling me I’m still ovulating so try we will. I think tonight will be the last effort for this month before I enter the 2WW (two week wait) period. According to Fertility Friend my next cycle is due on the 28th of March technically that is longer than two weeks. My cycle is running on an average of 36 days now. It’s so long. If I weren’t trying to get pregnant I wouldn’t be complaining, so I’m just going to suck it up.

Nellie FINALLY got her chat functionality set up on her phone and we tested it out last night. We’re definitely going to save loads of money on SMS. We use mig33 instead of MXIT. MXIT is a load of crud. It doesn’t work half the time. Mig33 is much more reliable in my opinion. It also has MSN built into it so it suits my needs perfectly. I’m not sure which other chat applications it supports, but I’m sure Google will be able to tell you.

I spoke to my grandfather last night and asked him to fish out my father’s birth date from My Evil Mother. Maybe he can do it without raising too much suspicion. He is really keen for me to find my father. He thinks it’s the ‘right thing to do’. We’ll see what that yields.

My Father

I've been meaning to blog about this for a long time, but I haven't yet. Perhaps because I don't think it will work.

I want to find my biological father again. The last time I saw him I must have been 12 or 13. So that would be 14 - 15 years ago. We always tracked him down via his mother, but this failed the last time we tried. I wanted to track him down when I got married, but we couldn't find my grandmother in the phonebook as we always could.

All this being said - there isn't a hole in my life where he should be. My grandfather has filled the male role model role as much as he could. My stepfather was also there, but not necessarily someone to look up to. Lots of other stuff behind that as well. My father also tried to legally disown me at some point, but I don't think it was for any other reason besides the fact that he couldn't afford to pay maintenance and knowing My Evil Mother she was probably trying to milk him. I don't remember him ever being well off financially. I remember I was on his medical aid for a while too when I was younger.

All these years I have only ever heard one side of the story. Now that I have learnt that My Evil Mother is not exactly the best source of information, I'd like to hear his side of things to. Nobody else in my family has ever really spoken badly about him, in fact just recently I heard how helpful and accomodating he was. The worst thing my grandparents mentioned was that he was always trying to start some or other business and failing. Maybe he was just trying to find his own success.

So now I don't know how to get hold of him. Here is what I know:

His name is George William James
He has a brother names Hentie
His mother's name is Wilana De Vries
Last known location: Bloemfontein
Last known job: Driver for Blue Label (according to his mother)
Last known wife: Isabelle (as far as I know)
Other children: Nicholas and Johnathan (that I know of)

So if anyone out there is in Bloemfontein, or has a contact at home affairs...or knows what I should do to find him, please leave me a comment and let me know.

Concerned?

There have been some concerns raised in the comments section about my choice of blog fodder.

Firstly, thank you for your concern. Rudi has the link to my blog and he is free to read it. He doesn't, but I have not tried to hide my blog from him.

Secondly, you obviously only hear one side of the story and I expect you to realize this. I don't think people who read my blog take everything I say at face value, but there is no reason for me to lie. I simply say how I feel. Rudi is free to do the same. Lying on a blog is ridiculous. Really.

Lastly, I will not censor my blog or what I write. There are very few occasions where I do not WANT to write about something, in these rare cases I will not. I feel that censoring my entries will completely defeat the personal purpose of this blog. I vent here. I document events here. I write from my heart and don't feel that I should tip toe around my readers, My Evil Mother or my husband.

As a side note, people seem to thrive on this misery that I sow so freely (Google Analytics has proof) so someone must be loving the drama.

So dear readers, thank you for your concern. I appreciate the feedback and the time you took to formulate your feelings and to send them to me. I truly love having comments to read and I appreciate your honesty. Your opinions are welcome, you are entitled to them and I will treat them as such. Your opinions. Which you are entitled to.

I try my best not to stand in judgement, although I am human and will falter. Often.

Angel Fluff and heavy stuff

angel tagged her readers to post a picture of their bedside tables. Here's mine:



I'm currently reading Eldest from the Eragon series. For those that don't know, it's the second book of three.

I was upset this morning after church. After service My Evil Mother called me aside and asked me to please pray for her this week as Service for the Departed is going to be especially difficult for her. I was a tad confused by this statement and asked her to clarify, thinking perhaps someone she knew had passed on, but then she said she didn't want to talk about it because it would upset me. She was talking about James! Having registered this I asked her if she didn't think it would be hard for me...'Of course! But I held him...' FFS. I carried him inside me you stupid wench! I don't know why I'm surprised. She's always been an attention whore and pity is her favourite kind of attention. I understand that James was her first and only grandchild thus far, but he was my son and I think it was insensitive of her to ask me to remember HER. Pffft.

In case anyone was wondering. I'm not pregnant this month either.

Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

*yawn*

I am so tired I could just die! Working last weekend is catching up to me. It's my 11th consecutive day of work today and I'm a zombie.

My Evil Mother is being such a leech! She phoned me the other day - she wanted to borrow a swimming costume. Since she hasn't returned the last item of clothing I lent to her and refused to do so when I asked her I ignored her request. Then she calls me and asks me to check her e-mail at work to see if she has received any responses for her CV - I'm not supposed to surf at work, but she will start crying and 'Nobody loves me' if I don't do what she wants. Last night I go to church and now I have to pick her up for choir practice tonight - I now have to leave earlier and use extra petrol. Is she freaking kidding me? LEAVE ME ALONE! FFS. She NEVER calls me unless she wants something. I'm sick of being her 'go to' person for everything, especially since I don't get ANYTHING, not even emotional support from her.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. Although, I have a pile of ironing to do since the housekeeper hasn't been able to come. We managed to clean up well last night. Vacuum, mop and get all the washing done. Just the ironing left really. SO not in the mood. It's really hot as well which doesn't help.

I hope I'm going to have a good weekend this weekend. It is, after all, Valentine's Day on Saturday.

Absenteeism

Howdy. I know I've been gone for a while, but I've been enjoying a little leave with Rudi. I'll be back to work and full time blogging on Wednesday.

While I'm uploading photos to Facebook I have a little time to recap on what's been happening lately. [Facebook is giving me the world's trouble. I'll post links once it allows me to upload]

Rudi and I have been enjoying some time together in the last few days of our leave. We've enjoyed sleeping late and spending quality time together. We had the family over for a braai (BBQ) on the 6th of January as it was my grandmother's birthday. My Evil Mother and Coke Head did not come. Interesting story. On Christmas Eve the entire family was here to celebrate, My Evil Mother and Coke Head included. Rudi had a few drinks and Coke Head joined him. Apparently Coke Head proceeded to go out drinking after everyone had left and only came home on Boxing Day (26 December), missing Christmas lunch with his new wife. This led to the decision that they would not join us again as 'Rudi is a bad influence' on My Evil Mother's husband...according to her. I missed the part where Rudi was pouring the alcohol down the throat of this grown man...or the missing two days...not sure what Rudi had to do with that since he was with me. Stupid woman.

The next day Angel, Glugster and Knucklehead came over for another braai. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at a braai. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the company and the wine ;o) Rudi also gets on really well with Glugster and Angel and I never ran out of things to talk about. We really had an awesome evening.

On Friday we took a drive out to Franshoek and ended up having a lovely, relaxed lunch. On our way home we stopped off at Anura wine farm where we did some wine tasting. We left with one of the most expensive bottles of wine they had (Rudi's choice), wine glasses, biltong, Brie and some Camembert (the cheeses were going for R5.00 - I couldn't resist).

Yesterday we went up Table Mountain. I haven't been since I was 15 and really wanted to go up this year while we were on holiday. We had stunning weather. We went up quite late as we wanted to catch the special they're currently having. When we arrived it seemed like a lost cause. The queues were terribly long...we did end up waiting for about an hour, but the views were so spectacular and listening to the people around us made time fly. Going up with the cable car was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, although I did shy away from the open parts of the cable car when the floor rotated me that way. I generally have a fear of heights, but seeing as how the cable car can carry over 5 tons, I felt safe. The drive up the mountain was a different story though. My fear of car accidents and heights combined always sends me into a panic on a mountain pass. We watched the sun set over the sea. It was beautiful. The views from up there are absolutely breathtaking.

Today I'm finally going for the back and neck massage that my landlady gave me as a gift, I decided to throw in a pedicure. There's no time like the present to spoil yourself :) Rudi will also be going for a back and neck massage. Tomorrow we will most likely just spend the day chilling together...perhaps even go out somewhere.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I really enjoyed this leave and feel quite rested.

My grandfather has completed his last chemo session and is currently recovering from that. He should be fine in a week or so. He says he will not go through chemo again. He would rather let cancer take his life. Its heartbreaking for me, but I understand where he is coming from. Going through chemo is hell. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm glad it is over for him. Finally. This milestone for him was often compared to the milestone I was reaching. James would have been born in about two months. Having to start all over sucks. It's that time of the month where I'm playing the waiting game and wondering anxiously whether our plan for conception has worked. My cycle is due to start on Wednesday. So the waiting begins...

*YAWN*

Suddenly my life has become very uninteresting again. I have nothing exciting to share. No news that anybody would want to hear. It's just the ordinary run of the mill every day boring so and so.

Christmas Eve promises to bring some drama with My Evil Mother coming over. She's already sent gifts to place under the tree. She's written the strangest things on some of the cards. I'll have to take photos and post them.

At this point I'll have to say goodbye to the readers who will no longer read because they fall asleep and drool on their keyboard when visiting my blog...I'll miss your stat on the right hand side of the page and comments if you ever left them. Pop back every now and then, you never know which way this tale is going to twist.

Weekend

So I had a rough day on Friday. After receiving the photos at work I broke down and asked my supervisor if I could leave early. At the beginning of the week both he and my manager said it was OK if I needed time off and I really did on Friday, although it always seems dodgy on a Friday doesn't it?

I went to my grandfather's house and went to view the photos there. I agree with My Evil Mother and grandmother that it looks like it would have been a boy. I feel a certain peace about that, because I was unsure. My family and the doctors were giving me conflicting information and this confused me even more. For all I know girls look like that at some stage too (hence the doctor's hesitance to say), but to all of us it seems that the baby was a boy. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He would have been a handsome fellow. I was very torn up after viewing the photos and had the support of my family.

Friday evening we picked up my cousin (she's visiting from London) and we had a very chilled out evening together. Yesterday when we took her back we ended up spending a lot of time with the family which was nice. We bought two pedestals from my cousin for our bedroom and her mother gave us a really nice painting which fits in perfectly with my bedroom's colour scheme. When we got home I was inspired to move the entire room around and once I've sanded down my dressing table and white washed it to match the pedestals our room is going to look really nice. I hope we get this done...you know how a person ends up procrastinating and never completing something like this. Our room looks much less empty and bare now. It kind of looked like any other room with a bed, but there was no character. It's developing that now and that makes me happy.

Today we have a family braai (BBQ). It's become tradition since my cousin has left for overseas for us to have one big get together while she is here so that the entire family gets to see her. I'm going to leave work now and we'll head over that way. I'm quite looking forward to it.

I'm having an OK day today. We'll take the baby pictures with as the family are curious to see. My Evil Mother has also requested to see them and I am torn. I want her to see them, he was after all her grandchild too, but I don't want her to have a copy of them. I'm afraid she might show them to other people - perhaps even claiming the baby was hers to get sympathy and attention. I know it's a horrible thought, but I would put nothing past her. Perhaps I should go and visit and take my laptop with to show her, then I wouldn't need to print them out or save them on an external device. I feel sorry for her in some capacity at the moment. She feels extremely left out of this huge event that has happened in my life, because I left her out. She was emotionally and financially unavailable to me when she was putting me through hell - now I'm going through hell again without her, because I have learnt I do not need her. I have enough other family to love and support me, although I don't know what I would have done without my grandparents. I want to buy them big Christmas presents this year, because they deserve it. Even if that means I'm broke until the end of January.

My grandfather popped on yesterday morning and saw my cousin for the first time. He told her that I've been so brave and that he is very proud of me. I wanted to cry. I am so proud of him for what he is going through with his treatment at the moment. Why do we not tell the people we love how we feel? Why didn't he say this to me? Why haven't I told him that I am proud of him? We tend to tell other people the good things about the people in our lives, despite them needing to hear it most.

I think everyone should make a concerted effort to tell their loved ones, friends and colleagues about the things they do right. I'm going to do try and do this while I am counting my blessings and not taking things for granted.

James: Part II

***WARNING***
Some readers may find content graphic or upsetting

It hit me this morning for the first time. Yesterday I was feeling guilty for not feeling worse. For not having cried yet. I know I'm supposed to, but it hadn't happened. This morning it happened. I cried. Not a snivelling, silent cry either. A full blown snot and howling cry. I know I'm allowed to. I've given myself permission to feel however I want to and not to hide my emotions and bottle them up. Unfortunately Rudi was at work and wasn't here to comfort me, so I hauled out my laptop.

Let's first cover what My Evil Mother did that upset me. Just after I had come out of theater her and my grandmother went to look at the baby. Rudi and I were alone and he shared with me that he keeps having this vision that there is nothing wrong with the baby. That we had made a mistake and we couldn't fix it now. I tried to re-assure him that the scans were clear enough even for a layman to see that there was something wrong.

When My Evil Mother re-entered the room she kept saying 'He's perfect. He's so beautiful'. I kept asking her what she meant that he was perfect and she said 'He had 10 fingers and 10 toes, etc'. This confused the hell out of me, considering that Rudi had voiced this fear not minutes earlier. I asked her if she looked at his hands and she said yes and that he had 10 fingers...eventually she said you could see that the hands were frozen in a claw like position. We had asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I changed my mind about seeing the baby later on. Eventually Rudi couldn't take it anymore and asked to see the photos. After seeing the photos (video clips actually, My Evil Mother has no idea how to operate a phone) Rudi seemed more calm though. My Evil Mother said the same thing she said to me to my uncle and aunt who immediately started saying things like 'They should sue the doctors for giving them the wrong information'.

After finally mustering the courage to look at the pictures myself I had no doubt that we had made the right decision. In hindsight My Evil Mother was possibly trying to be positive and not to upset me. I did phone her and told her that she is no longer to discuss it with anybody as she seems to be giving people the impression that we terminated a healthy baby. She said that she didn't know how to handle the situation and that she didn't know what else to say. I believe her. It is a difficult thing to go through and there isn't a manual telling you what the 'right' thing is to say.

We had agreed to let the geneticist have a look at the baby, even though we decided not to have a post mortem done. She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to know about her findings. I agreed as I wanted re-assurance from a medical professional as well. She found that the baby had no anus which was causing the obstruction in the bowel. The baby had no way of disposing of waste. She had an x-ray taken and was able to see that the bottom of the spine did not close as it should and the nerve endings seemed to be problematic as well. She could not ascertain at first why the hands were a problem, but on closer inspection of the x-ray she was able to see that the skull and spine were not properly connected causing the brain to have problems sending messages to the hands. The geneticist asked if we had determined the sex of the baby from the amniocentesis (which we did not) as she could not ascertain the sex upon examining the foetus. Sexual organs should have been well developed at this stage of the pregnancy. We have decided to stick to it being a boy. She asked permission to keep the photos she had taken, I granted her permission and requested her to e-mail some to me as the video clips My Evil Mother took were of very poor quality. She agreed to do so. I will not post the photos of the baby on my blog as I feel that they may be quite disturbing. From the photos the club feet are evident, but it is also clear that one leg is much longer than the other and seems to be facing the wrong way. It almost looks like the leg is broken, which is what they most likely would have had to do to correct that.

I cannot imagine the amount of surgeries and pain this baby would have had to have if the baby had managed to survive. I don't think the baby would have survived considering it was unable to rid it's body of waste. Rudi and I are completely at peace with our decision though and we know that we did the right thing.

A part of me wants to start trying to fall pregnant again immediately. Another part of me is too afraid to. I don't know what we're going to do, but I do know that I do not want to go back onto the pill again. Maybe that was one of the reasons this happened. I fell pregnant really quickly after going off the pill and who knows if that interfered with the development of our baby. I know women fall pregnant on the pill or shortly after going off of it all the time, but you never know what caused the problems with my pregnancy and I'd rather not take the chance. How we are going to prevent pregnancy will have to be a done on a trial and error basis with available contraceptives.

Rudi just got back from work and wants to go fishing. I feel like chopping his head off with a bread knife. He could clearly see that I am upset and need support, but he chooses not to be with me. I told him that I don't want to be alone and that I need him, but he wants to go fishing. I'm seriously fucked off with him right now.



A cactus that I have which is flowering now. Ironic, yet it gives me hope somehow.



The beautiful flowers I received from my colleagues at work.



Where they attempted to administer a drip (and failed).



This is where they eventually managed to put the drip in nicely, it's a bit swollen, but not nearly as bad as my arm!



Where they attempted to administer the epidural.

And so my battle scars will heal...now I just have to figure out what will heal my heart. A memorial service will be held for our baby tomorrow after church. That will be the last goodbye.

James/Sebastian

***WARNING***

Some readers may find descriptions graphic.

On Monday we went to Tygerberg hospital to go for the scan and to make our final decision. It was as we feared and they found another problem on top of all the other things that were suspected. The results of the scan were as follows:

The baby's head was lemon shaped and a cause for concern.
The spine could not properly be assessed as the baby was lying inside my pelvis.
The baby had bilateral club feet.
The bladder was not properly formed.
There was urine leaking into the bowel.
The bowel showed signs of obstruction and was causing swelling of the abdomen.
The baby was unable to move the wrists or hands.

We didn't have any indication that there was a problem with the hands at all until Monday. Finding another problem over and above those things that were suspected confirmed for us that letting the baby go was the right thing to do. They could not tell us whether or not the problems with the bladder/bowel could be fixed until after the baby was born. The club feet were operable, but no guarantees about the child's capabilities or quality of life. There is no cure for the problems with the wrists and hands. The geneticist at Tygerberg said she has never in her 30 year career seen a combination of these symptoms and it is a unique case. We knew then that it was time to let the baby go and scheduled an appointment with my gynae to discuss termination. He made an appointment for us the very same afternoon.

We went to see my gynae and advised him that we decided to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't have to say so, but you could tell that he agreed with our decision. He immediately prescribed medication to start inducing labour (Cytotec).

I was admitted into hospital Tuesday at 17:00 with cramps. The pain was minimal (similar to period pains, just right through to the back) and I could cope. A gel was inserted to soften my cervix and to prepare for the next day. I managed to sleep well with the assistance of a sleeping tablets and no painkillers.

The next morning the doctor came to see me and injected another gel straight into my uterus. Within a few minutes the nurse decided to call Rudi back to the hospital as I started having contractions and she thought I needed his support. The doctor said he will be back around 10:00 to monitor my progress and insert more gel into my uterus. I was given an injection for pain which made me very drowsy. Around 10:00 the doctor had not come yet and the pain killer had started to wear off. At around 10:30 the nurse decided to give me another pain killer despite the fact that the doctor had not yet come around. The doctor did come around 11:00 and saw how much pain I was in. I was screaming like someone who was having their fingernails pulled off. He decided that I could have an epidural as the process was iniated successfully, after which he would insert more gel into my uterus. The contractions were about two minutes apart and excruciating. In between contractions I was dozing off due to the painkiller. It was such an odd feeling - excruciating pain one minute, falling asleep the next, only to be rudely awakened by another contraction.

He attempted to give me the epidural in two different places, but from what I could tell he could not find 'resistance' against the needle (He said this to the nurse). To my surprise the epidural did not hurt, it just felt very strange to have something wriggling around in my spine. They asked me to lie down and after about 10 minutes the contractions had gotten worse and it became evident that the epidural had not worked. My doctor immediately arranged for me to be rushed to theater for an evacuation and scrape. By this time the contractions were so bad I was screaming for them to make it stop and to please help me. I'm surprised I didn't swear. I thought I'd be inventing new swear words with the level of pain I was experiencing. Poor Rudi looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn't know what to do. I felt bad that he felt so helpless and tried my best between contractions (if I was not dozing off) to assure him there was nothing he could do but be with me.

I think I might have been scaring the other patients with my screaming as the nurse kept on saying "OK Mrs. {insert surname here} every time I started having a contraction and screaming my head off. I remember the theater nurse telling me it was around 13:10. The anaesthetist asked me a few quick questions and told me to expect a burning feeling in my arm, which I did not feel.

Then they woke me up and it was all over. It was almost 14:00.

My Evil Mother and grandmother had been called and went to see the baby as Rudi and I decided not to, but we wanted someone to go and look. (I will discuss in another post what My Evil Mother did that makes me want to wring her neck) I asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I decided later that I wanted to see the baby. The biggest shock for us was that we had a little boy, not a little girl as we were told, hence me not referring to the baby's sex earlier in the post. We were kind of stuck for a boy's name so we are not sure whether it will be Sebastian or James.

Last night I felt good physically and didn't require any painkillers. This morning I feel a bit like I've been through the wars. It hurts everywhere they stuck a needle in me and my girlie bits are sore too. Luckily the bleeding has subsided.

Emotionally I think I am still in shock. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I cried a little after I came out of theater, but I think it will sink in later (probably when I least expect it).

The geneticist at Tygerberg wanted to look at the foetus, out of professional curiosity I guess. She told us they will not be able to tell us the likelihood of future birth defects without performing a post mortem on the baby. We enquired about it today and the post mortem will set us back approximately another R3000.00 (it could be more). After much deliberation we decided not to have a post mortem done. It will not change what happened and will most likely not prevent anything specific in the future. The initial report (from Tygerberg on Monday) said that the likelihood of re-occurrence or future birth defects may be as high as 25%, but they did not comment on the cause. 25% is pretty high considering there was only a 2% chance that something would have been wrong with this baby. The fact that the geneticist said it was a unique case gives us some hope that it might just have been bad luck.

So when we do try again we will be taking a risk and we will need to pray that we have a healthy baby.

I'm booked off till next Friday and will try to update my blog as often as I can.

Weekend Activities

The weekend was way too short.

Every weekend Rudi and I fight about Crack Head. Every weekend he wants to go there and I know exactly what's going to happen. No matter how many promises he makes and how he tries to convince me it will be different, it is always the same. He is never done there at the time he says he will be done. He never wants to leave when I want to leave and most of the time he ends up drunk.

On Friday he wanted to go to Crack Head. I threw a hissy fit and he begrudingly stayed. I told him to get lost since I didn't want him to be at home if he didn't want to be there...but he cooled off and we had a nice evening.

Saturday was time for My Evil Mother's pamper party. There were 5 people there. My aunt, myself, my grandmother, My Evil Mother and a lady from the church that is also invited to the wedding. We had tea and cake and talked nonsense. It was more of a gathering with small gifts for once person than anything else. No forfeits, no fun. I managed to steal the spotlight a little bit with the pregnancy :)

I told Rudi I would be done at around 17:00 and of course he wasn't done at that time (despite his insistence that he would be). Despite having been there since 12:30, apparently they hadn't finished braaing (BBQ) yet. I decided not to fight with him again since he'd already proven my point and called Beauty Queen to have a quick coffee. While her and I were having coffee she invited us for another braai (BBQ) at her in laws house with her husband SLK. We had a lovely evening there. Rudi broke the news to me that he had invited Crack head and his family over for a meal the next day. I was SO peeved. He knew I would have said no, which is probably why he didn't ask me. There was one condition. Crack Head's wife said if he didn't come home at a certain time he wouldn't be allowed to come over to our place. Luckily for me, Crack Head is as unreliable as Rudi in this regard and his wife put her foot down. Beauty Queen and SLK still came over though and we had a lovely lunch.

On Friday I received an e-mail from Sarah...one of her friends wanted to sell a TV stand. We didn't have a proper one and I really liked the one they were selling. On Sunday morning I managed to show Rudi a picture of it and we decided to buy it. I'm really chuffed with it. It looks awesome. We had all our stuff standing on mismatched furniture before and it is so much better now!

P.S. I'll have to load the picture later. Blogger isn't loading properly again :(

This and That

The baby movements seem to have died down a bit now. I still feel it every now and then, but it's not nearly as it's 'supposed' to be yet. I think it's still a bit early for kicking. It just feels like the baby is stretching. I'm feeling a lot better than I initially was. I still feel nauseous sometimes, but not all the time. I am also eating better which is a relief. I still don't enjoy food like I used to...but that may really not be a bad thing. I still constantly have a horrid taste in my mouth and I've been chowing Mint Imperials to alleviate that.

It's Sarah's 21st on Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing how all the arrangements turn out, but have no idea what to buy for her! It's the first time she's celebrating a birthday since we've been friends and it's a big one. She's given me ideas of things she wants/needs so I have quite a broad scope. I really hope she likes whatever I choose.

I had a chest of drawers which was seriously falling apart. Somehow the drawers wouldn't fit into the shell anymore and kept collapsing. The entire structure was basically useless. I didn't know of anyone who could fix it and was going to throw the whole thing away. We've been pricing a new set for quite a while and they seem to go for an average of about R2 000. Eventually I chatted to my grandfather about it and he told me I should take it through to his brother. He chatted to his brother and he agreed to have a go at it as carpentry is a hobby of his. Over the weekend he let us know that he was done and we could come pick it up.

The chest of drawers looks as good as new and all the drawers fit in rather nicely! He said it wasn't too big a job. I bought him a box of chocolate as a small gesture of appreciation (I ran this by my grandfather first), turns out he's diabetic. Next time I'll ask my grandmother about his family, she seems to know more than him.

I received a formal invitation to My Evil Mother's wedding. She wants me to take photos. I agreed to take pictures for her. She can consider it my gift.

Antibiotics

I woke up with swollen glands this morning. First thought that Rudi had somehow hit me in his sleep, but later I figured out my glands are really sore.

After chatting to my grandfather and seeing a sister I decided to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed some antibiotics that are safe to take during pregnancy.

My grandfather seems to be doing OK after the chemo so far. He feels tired, but other than that he is OK. He says he won't be able to work for 5 months due to the side effects of the chemo. I don't know what they are going to do for money. He gets a small pension, but that won't cover their rent, bills and food. We're going to have to try and help them out as much as possible.

My Evil Mother has lost her job again. SURPRISE! "Rentrenchement" again. Funny how she gets retrenched every second job. I'm curious to know how many she's had in the past two years. We estimate around 20. According to her she's never done anything wrong. It's either they company goes down, they retrench or the boss doesn't like her or the boss is sexually harassing her. It's hard to make up a different excuse every time. I wonder if she thinks we are too stupid to notice she's repeating the same ones over.

I better go. Rudi will be picking me up any minute.

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!