+ 400g

So...my body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!

Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.

Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.

My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:

Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33

I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.

Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....

Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...

P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.

Not Pregnant

So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

Still sick

So Rudi and I were both sick yesterday. I only started feeling sick after I got to work though, so no off day for me. This morning I truly felt horrible. I was trying to eat my breakfast, but I only ate about half of it. I was feeling so nauseous. I think God is trying to remind me of what it felt like to be pregnant. It's like he's saying 'Still in a hurry?’

Well, yes.

Despite both of us feeling ill we still gave it a bash. I'm not going to miss out on an opportunity because I'm feeling ill. I'm not sick enough for that! (No, universe, I'm not asking to get sicker). I got us some medication yesterday to settle our stomachs and it seems to have worked. I don’t want to take the medication I got for nausea because I’m not too sure if that would do some damage IF I’m pregnant.

Yesterday Rudi was clearly bored and was examining my microscope. He reckons it was still ferning yesterday. I was anxious to see when I got home, but I don’t think that it was ferning per se, but like I said my body is telling me I’m still ovulating so try we will. I think tonight will be the last effort for this month before I enter the 2WW (two week wait) period. According to Fertility Friend my next cycle is due on the 28th of March technically that is longer than two weeks. My cycle is running on an average of 36 days now. It’s so long. If I weren’t trying to get pregnant I wouldn’t be complaining, so I’m just going to suck it up.

Nellie FINALLY got her chat functionality set up on her phone and we tested it out last night. We’re definitely going to save loads of money on SMS. We use mig33 instead of MXIT. MXIT is a load of crud. It doesn’t work half the time. Mig33 is much more reliable in my opinion. It also has MSN built into it so it suits my needs perfectly. I’m not sure which other chat applications it supports, but I’m sure Google will be able to tell you.

I spoke to my grandfather last night and asked him to fish out my father’s birth date from My Evil Mother. Maybe he can do it without raising too much suspicion. He is really keen for me to find my father. He thinks it’s the ‘right thing to do’. We’ll see what that yields.

-1.6kg

Holy cow! I'm not sure exactly how I did it, because I certainly did not have a perfect eating week. The only thing that I can figure is that the walking and drinking water is saving my behind. Perhaps my body doesn't mind a little 'fattening' food every now and then. It could also be extra water I have lost after my cycle, since I stood still last week. Whatever the case I am standing at a loss of 6kg already and I'm very proud of myself!

The jeans I am wearing today always fit me properly, they were never too tight. In fact I could wear them well into my pregnancy, when all my other jeans failed me. Today they are too big. Not so big that I can't wear them or that they don't look OK, but too big none the less. Yay!

I forgot to update on Fence, I think. Fence did eventually phone Rudi back last Friday (I must have jinxed it by blogging about it), but Rudi didn't go fishing with him anyway. They have a fishing trip planned this weekend at which my presence is required. I don't mind going. I've got a good book I'm busy reading and hopefully Nellie would have been able to set up chat on her phone by then.

Poor Nellie is at home today. She's taking a sick day. She has a lot of stress at work at the moment and I haven't been able to talk to her much since they've moved her into an office with no e-mail. No e-mail! She must have felt like she was living in the dark ages!

No ferning on my microscope yet. I'm on cycle day 13, so maybe in a couple of days to a week the ferning will show up. I hope so!

She's baaaack

So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.

It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.

Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.

I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.

If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.

Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.

I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.

It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.

I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.

Fame

The Leo in me hungers for fame and attention, although I am not necessarily a spotlight seeker. Because I have low self esteem I don't flaunt the way I think I might if I were thinner circumstances were different.

When you fall pregnant, you become a celebrity in your own right. Suddenly everybody is interested in you...your blog stats will go up. That's for sure. People constantly want to know how you are...even if you growl at them when they ask because you feel like throwing up on your keyboard. People constantly give you gifts for the baby (I got more gifts for the baby on my birthday last year than I got for myself). Hell...people even throw a party for you near the end. All in all it really makes you feel special and cared about.

I miss that. Every woman gets her 15 minutes of fame this way. Sometimes the attention is probably unwanted. Perhaps she is a mistress, not a partner. Perhaps she is still a child herself...but attention she will have.

I am in a place in my life where the attention was most welcome. My family was overjoyed and announced the news to one and all. Colleagues were happy for me. Friends were happy for me. I am married, so there is no scandal. In fact, it is expected.

I think next time I am pregnant I'll keep it quiet until we're sure everything is OK. Everyone knowing last time turned out not to be such a good thing.

Other than that my cycle still has not started. Only 1 day late so far. It's probably still out of whack from the pregnancy. I need to be patient with this. In fact...I think I need to stop trying so hard. It's so difficult to put it out of my mind when it is something I think about so often on a daily basis. As Wenchy said, I should try to see it as a journey - not as a destination. I am definitely getting better with time. I am not nearly as anxious as I was last month and my stomach isn't in a knot every time I go to the loo.

I DO hate waiting though. Not just for this, for anything. I try to be as punctual as possible and hate waiting for people. My Evil Mother is one who is always late for everything. I think it's disrespectful to be late. It shows you have no regard for the other person's time. It drives me nuts. I'll forgive Mother Nature this time around though since I want something from her. Yeah I know. Love me. Double standards and all.

UPDATE

*blush* One of my male colleagues sent me an e-mail to tell me I look nice today. That was a bit of a ego boost, then another colleague walked up to me and said he was looking at my eyes peeking over the cubicle partition and he thought 'Who is this babe?' then decided to come and tell me about it. What's going on?!

An answer

Finally an answer from mother nature. I'm not as disappointed or shattered as I thought I'd be. Suprisingly I'm taking it in my stride. Rudi and I discussed it and decided not to rush things and let nature take it's course again, so I won't be buying the ovulation microscope.
There are positive points to not being pregnant now, especially during the festive season. I'm glad I'm ok.
Using my phone to blog for the first time. I hope it comes out alright.

No show

My cycle is still a no show. It's officially 3 full days late. If it is late. I really don't know what to think. Leebeesa recommended that I drink water (something I loathe to do) as this could assist in kicking in my cycle if it is meant to come. I HATE drinking water, but I suppose it's worth a try and it won't kill me.

If nothing has happened by Monday I'm going to go to have a blood test done. I learnt my lesson with the urine tests, they simply don't work for me! (Well, not as soon as they're 'supposed' to work)

Every time I go to the loo I wonder if it's going to be there. I've gained a kilo, when I was previously pregnant I mysteriously lost 2 kilos...gaining is more consistent with water rentention associated with PMS, isn't it?

*sigh*

Monday is so far off. Mondays aren't generally good days for me though. Maybe I should schedule it for Tuesday...but that is a whole day longer to wait.

FFS. I hate this.

Waiting

So I'm still waiting for my cycle to start. I'm over my regular cycle 'due date' (it's been more than 32 days since the womb scrape) and now I'm just waiting. It's extremely frustrating not to know what's going on. The gynae's receptionist said it usually takes about 4 weeks and it's been almost 5. With that estimation I hoped it would just revert back to my normal cycle length, but it hasn't. Maybe it's just late, but it's very confusing and frustrating for me not to know what is happening.

It's just two days late and since I don't know what to expect I don't want to run to they gynae in a tizz. If I do any kind of pregnancy test I will do it next year when the medical aid has reset. Peeing on sticks has proven a useless waste of time and money...so I won't even go there this time. It will be a blood test and voila. Or if I SERIOUSLY haven't started by next year, I'll go and see the gynae.

I would consider myself the equivalent of a lotto winner if I am pregnant again so soon after losing James.

I want..wait...I don't know what I want

I'm still sore today. I don't know whether to be concerned or not. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong. It does feel slightly better than yesterday though, so I'm going to put it off for another day.

I feel like I might still be in a state of shock. Denial. I haven't had a proper cycle since we lost the baby. I think that it will hit me all over again when it comes. It will make everything real again. It will make me 'definitely NOT pregnant'. Sometimes I still feel movements in my lower belly (most likely just wind), but it feels like it felt when James first started moving and for a split second it's like he is not gone, then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks all over again. On the other hand if it doesn't come there might be something wrong, or I might be pregnant again (not impossible, but likely? I don't know.)

I really, really want to be pregnant again, but I am also very afraid of it. Afraid of the prospect and possibilities of complications and having to go through all of this again. I know I can't think like that. I know I need to be positive and trust in God that our baby will be healthy, but as a human being it is difficult for me to trust God unconditionally right now. Last night we heard in service that God will hold his children against his bosom through difficult circumstances and the evangelist that took the service told me he hopes the word helped a little bit last night. It is so indescribably difficult to have faith and trust after what we've been through.

Now I am afraid of what Monday will bring. Either way it's bad news for me emotionally. I tried to phone the doctor's office to find out if I should expect my cycle within the normal cycle length after the womb scrape, but there was no answer. I tried again later and the receptionist said that it should take about 4 weeks for my cycle to start after the womb scrape, but that it could take a bit longer. She said that the pain I am experiencing may be ovulation pains (Where is Rudi when I need him?! Definitely going to get busy tonight, just in case.) Tomorrow it will be exactly a month since I had the womb scrape, so hopefully my cycle will kick in when it's supposed to, unless I'm pregnant again.

I'm so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I can't help but think we'll be happy when we're pregnant again...worried, but happy. I could do with a little happiness right now.