Ovulating - ACK!

So...the ovulation pain I'm experiencing this month is ridiculous! I was *so* sore last night that I had to stay home from church. Normal movements hurt! How am I supposed to forget about getting pregnant when my body is screaming at me that it is time to try? We haven't. Tried, that is. I checked my ovulation microscope this morning. I shouldn't have, but I did. To make sure this wretched pain is due to ovulation and nothing else. Urgh. You know this doesn't happen when you're on the pill. Rudi seems to be excited by the fact that I am in excrutiating pain and has decided it's time to make hay while the sun is shining. He doesn't seem to understand that bouncing around is only going to add to my discomfort...but he has a point, doesn't he? How do you expect to magically get pregnant without actually...well...doing what it takes?

I'm really excited about an order I want to place. I'm going to have to keep it on the down low since it involves a certain someone that reads my blog - but I'm excited!

In case you were wondering, work has slowed down somewhat. It's much more manageable now, but still busy.

Leebeesa brought me some gifts from her trip overseas. I'll post some photos ASAP. I want to take photos with my actual camera as cell phone pics often do not do them justice.

Gotta run!

+ 400g

So...my body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!

Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.

Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.

My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:

Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33

I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.

Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....

Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...

P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.

No Pressure Over Cappucino

Enough is enough. I've had it with all of this.

No more ovulation calendars, microscopes and calculators. No more avoiding certain medication for weeks because I *might* be pregnant. No more nervous anticipation of my cycle. No more plotting, planning and having lack lustre sexy time. No more cutting back on drinking or having fun because there is a miniscule chance of me being pregnant. No more resenting other pregnant women. No more jealousy. Who am I to be jealous? I have very little idea of what these people have been through to have their child. Who am I to feel like I deserve it more than anyone else? No more.

I am putting way too much pressure on myself (and Rudi) to get pregnant. Sure it feels like there is a hole in our life now that was meant to be filled. Sure my grandfather is out of his skin with excitement and prays every day that we get pregnant. There are many people hoping and praying for us (thank you), but the pressure is soul crushing. The expectations are high and the disappointment is shattering.

It hit me very hard this month. I really thought this was our month. I even thought I had symptoms, but alas. It was not so.

Through all this drama and struggle I have at least discovered that I feel ready to have a baby. That is something I never thought I would be ready for. Now I don't need to try and prevent pregnancy because it will be a joyous occasion when it happens, like it should have been the first time.

If I am not pregnant by the end of the year I'll make an appointment with my gynae and ask him if he has something to help me along, but until then, no pressure.

Now all of this is easy to say, I just need to stick to it and put it out of my mind. My life cannot stop until I am pregnant. My life cannot revolve around getting pregnant. I don't think it should be so difficult. I'm not saying I don't want a baby. I do, I really do. I just don't want this stress, pressure and these expectations making me feel like a failure month after month.

I'm sad that things had to turn out this way. I'm disappointed that I didn't fall pregnant before I reached this point, but so be it.

I don't want to hear 'It will happen when the time is right' or 'It will happen when it is meant to be'. It will happen, I know this. When it will happen is something I clearly have no control over.

So right now I can still live my life with much less responsibility than a parent has and that isn't too bad, now is it?

I need to love me. I need to keep reminding myself to love me, because I forget.

Weekend Update

On Friday Rudi spent most of the evening with Lindor and Fence finalising plans for Saturday's fishing trip. I saw him for the first time after 20:00 (despite him saying he would be home around 18:00). I decided to let it slide since I had busied myself washing all the pink spray out of my hair.




I participated in the CANSA Shavathon this year. I didn't have money this year, but Leebeesa didn't want her hair sprayed, but wanted to contribute, so she paid for me to have my hair sprayed. I got a lot of attention, I must say. Luckily this year the pink actually washed out of my hair. I washed it around 4 times and it all came out. Last year the purple stayed in my hair for quite some time.

Anyway...on Saturday we went on this fishing trip. Rudi was arguing with me over nonsense in the morning - almost as if he didn't want me to go, but I stuck to my guns and went anyway. It wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be. Fence and Caregiver pretended that nothing happened. Nobody mentioned the incident and I didn't bring it up either. It was very hot and eventually very windy. I spent most of the day with Caregiver in a tent on the beach. We read, had a nap and made some food for the guys. Not one fish was caught the entire day.

We then went for a braai at Lindor's house. That wasn't too bad either. We tried to play games, but Lindor kept changing the rules. Eventually Rudi and Fence wanted to go and buy another bottle of brandy and for Lindor's wife didn't want him to go with. Lindor went to bed while they were away. When they got back Lindor came back down, but was upset that he could not go with them to buy the bottle. I have a feeling there's more to it than that (perhaps he wanted to get something else as well, but lacked opportunity to leave)...I started feeling horrible and went to lie down on the couch. I passed out fell asleep and Rudi woke me up when it was time to leave. I felt awful. I felt nauseous, had heartburn and was still half asleep. So I survived Saturday.

Sunday we had a braai with the in-laws, which was uneventful as it normally is.

My ovulation microscope is confusing me! From around Thursday is started showing signs on ferning. That is supposed to be the transitional phase that leads up to ovulation. On Saturday my microscope showed NOTHING. We through it odd, so we took another sample and sure enough...it was like fern city. The entire lens was covered in ferns. It was all very exciting! So we started trying then. On Sunday - nothing. No ferns. Not one. I tested 4 times. This morning, no ferns. Nothing. My hopes of success are therefore not high for this month.

Next month we will try from the day the ferning starts to show until it disappears. As far as I understood the microscope should show transitional ferning, then full ferning and then back to transitional once ovulation tapers off.

Weird. At least it ferned though, which means I am ovulating. That is a good thing.

Easy come, easy go.

Not a fern in sight this morning. I checked 3 times. Nothing. Now I'm wondering if I somehow killed my egg. eish.

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It's such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I'm losing weight and it's great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I've been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I'm trying not even to think about it as 'dieting' for 'weight loss'. I'm trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK...so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other's doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time's sake. It was a lot of fun - just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I'm really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she's very happy with the place they have found. Who knows...maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this...but you never know!

I've managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I'm feeling really good about that too. I'm going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.

Conflicted

Well, our walk last night didn’t do as much for me as our walk on Tuesday did. We walked longer and further though. I’m a little bit stiff. I thought I was going to die by the time I got home. My face sunburned slightly on our walk. We were in the piping hot sun for about 30 minutes. Today my face isn’t looking too bad, you can hardly notice it at all, but it was stinging and pink yesterday! Even after a cold shower I hadn’t cooled down yet, although our water failed me halfway through my shower.

Our water has been touch and go since Monday. Apparently there was some problem with the pressure in the complex. Rudi had to go two days without showering because no water came out of the tap after I had showered. Luckily last night things seemed to normalize.

I’m working this weekend, but I’m glad for it because it means I’ll be off on Valentine’s Day. Last year for Valentine’s Day Rudi bought me a kind of jasmine bush. I managed to keep it alive! Here it is today:



I was thinking about this baby thing last night. As much as I desperately want to be pregnant again and to have a healthy child…all this planning and charting and scheduled sexy time just doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be this way. I’m terribly conflicted about this. On the one hand I REALLY want to be pregnant. On the other hand I don’t feel like it should be an orchestrated affair. I feel that it should happen on its own, but as irrational as it may seem I feel like it won’t happen if we don’t have sexy time when we’re supposed to and we need to monitor everything to ensure we do. I know we didn’t need assistance falling pregnant before, but realistically it could have been a fluke. I think there is something like a 12 hour window for an egg to be fertilized. Surely that is easy to miss? How long is THAT going to take? So now I don’t know what to do. Do I follow my head or my heart?

She's baaaack

So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.

It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.

Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.

I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.

If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.

Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.

I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.

It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.

I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.

Up and down

According to Dr. Amy's ovulation calculator this is my 'fertile' week. New Year's Eve is supposed to be the day I ovulate, even thought I'm feeling a bit crampy at the moment. Baby Center's ovulation calculator seems to correspond with Dr. Amy's. I suppose they're all based on the same principle. I know I said I'm going to relax and let nature take it's course and stuff, but that is harder to do than I thought it would be. Rudi and I have been trying every 48 hours for the past week or so and will continue to do so for a while I guess. That being said, if I don't fall pregnant this month I will surely lose my mind. We can't miss the ovulation window if we're trying so often, can we?

Fertility Friend seems to have ovulation calculation down to a science, but I was never really good at science and haven't bought the thermometer I would need to monitor my BBT (Basal Body Temperature).

I really should be patient and stop worrying about it. I know this. I know it will happen 'when it's meant to' like I've been told over and over again by various people. Truth be told I don't want to wait. I'm sure I've even said it myself, but it sounds so cliched and I don't want to hear it anymore.

Just writing this post is difficult. One minute I'm all gung ho being pregnant and the next I'm thinking I should just go with the flow and let it happen whenever.

Maybe I just hate not having control over it. Even if I am pregnant this month there will be the agonizing three months to follow to see if everything is OK. I suppose that's going to come whenever it happens.

FFS. I'm so conflicted.

Crazy time

When I got into work this morning I was feeling really grim. I was upset and moody and depressed. Perfect week for this kind of cheer.

I usually work from 7am - 4pm. This week I was suckered into working 9am - 6pm. Any other week I would have worked around it and not complained much, but the way in which it came about made me mad. We only require one staff member to work the 9 - 6 shift. Last week two team members worked the shift (unnecessarily) so that they would be able to say they've 'had their turn' when it came to the week before Christmas and would wash their hands of the shift. They're both guys by the way. I have so much preparation to do for Christmas and family are making demands on my time as well (I'm sure other women can relate). How on earth am I supposed to get done if I only get home from work at almost 7pm?! I still have to collect gifts from family members, do My Evil Mother's hair for her and go and buy stuff for the trifle I have to make! *panics*

Finally I spoke to Jubba (he's been in a festive mood for around a week now, it's lovely) and he said it's not necessary for me to work this shift this work, so I'll be reverting back to 7 - 4 tomorrow. I'm overjoyed!(It's only 3 days anyway)

I'm feeling a bit down and frustrated today. I get frazzled like this when I'm stressed out, but things usually work out for the best.

I think I might feel a bit down since Rudi and I were supposed to start trying to get pregnant already and we just haven't gotten around to it. There is probably still time, but there's such a small window you have to squeeze through to get pregnant and I don't want to accidentally 'miss it'. That being said...I said I wouldn't rush things and have no idea when I ovulate anyway. We thought we'd just try every second day and see what happens. Just got to get started!

At least I can drink to relieve my tension!