So it seems I might have misunderstood my grandfather somewhat. Apparently he has 6 - 12 months to live whether or not the cancer has spread to his lungs. The doctors say he'll need to have two major surgeries in which they remove the pieces of his liver that are infected and two more rounds of chemo. Apparently they'll cut right across his chest to operate on his liver and of course he refuses the chemo. He would rather not live at all as chemo really negates your quality of life. I try my best not to think about it...it's very upsetting. My grandfather has been the constant in my life. My role model. My father. He means the world to me. He asked me the other day what I am going to buy him for his last birthday *sigh*
I cannot wrap my mind around my grandfather not being around. What will happen to my grandmother? My grandfather said he is in the process of making provision for her. He still hasn't updated his will, which he needs to do to ensure My Evil Mother does not rob the rest of the family...again.
I'm still not trying to conceive. I considered it again...taking this new information into account...but I am *so* much happier since I've stopped obsessing about it that I simply cannot go back. I would be stupid to submit myself to such torture. It really was getting bad for me. I'm not simply referring to sexy time being scheduled and losing it's lustre. Emotionally it is path I have chosen to step away from and I need to stick to that choice. We're still not trying to prevent pregnancy...and it does still move to the forefront of my mind. It also does not help being surrounded by so many pregnant women, but that is something that is out of my control. It will happen eventually. I just need to be patient.
Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm dreading it. Rudi has been badgering me to go back to exercising and eating right and I have conceded that we should do so, but we're just not getting around to it.
Work is beckoning me. I can't ignore it anymore...no matter how hard I try!
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Monday, 04 May 2009
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Voting, TV, Death and Birth
So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.
Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:
After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!
You'll remember our TV used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.
Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.
Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.
My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.
All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).
Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.
Stuck.
Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:
After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!
You'll remember our TV used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.
Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.
Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.
My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.
All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).
Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.
Stuck.
Monday, 06 April 2009
Good Weekend
Finally I have found some time to blog. The Company launched a new product on Friday and it is experiencing some teething problems to say the least. Of course I am working in the department that deals with the customer complaints for this specific product. I'm overjoyed. Not.
Other than that, life while not TTC (trying to conceive) is a happy time. I really feel much better and I find I am enjoying life much more without having to constrain myself all the time. Just going out and attending parties/braais (BBQ's), not stressing about drinking a glass of wine. It truly is great. Perhaps that is why my mood is beginning to improve. May I also just say...sexy time...WOW. I forgot what that was like. I forgot how much fun it can be! OK...I didn't *really* forget, it had just faded to the edges of my memory.
I went to go and see that girl...the one who gave birth on James' due date. Apparently she didn't realize. She is so nice and so sweet really. I feel bad for feeling resentful sometimes. Although, there are other aspects of her life that I am definitely not jealous of. Therein lies the balance I guess. I had to steel myself to go and see her and nearly started crying at some point during our conversation. She admits that having a newborn is extremely hard work, it all seems so overwhelming! I left her to go back to Sarah's housewarming to further drown my sorrows (a perk of being neither pregnant nor parent)
Speaking of which...what a P.A.R.T.Y! The housewarming was awesome! Despite the fact that I was surrounded by skinny girls the whole night (really, almost all of them looked the same!) I really had a good time. Nothing like a couple of bottles of red wine and some vodka shots to throw your inhibitions out the window. Shame, Rudi was shattered. At some point he went to go sleep in the car. Poowa bebe.
We had a Chief Apostle service on Sunday morning. Our Chief Apostle serves communion for the departed souls. As I've mentioned before, in our religion we believe there is grace for those who have gone before us. I prayed that James would partake of communion with the other souls. It was quite emotional for me. After the communion for the departed souls was served, a young girl sang a solo. The name of the hymn was 'I have a home'. It brought me to tears. I couldn't help feel like it was a message for me from James. A small something to make me feel better. I'm sure there were many other people that could relate and felt comforted by this.
Nellie will be giving birth next week Tuesday. Time has flown so quickly and she's nervous and excited. Nellie and I are both religious people. Sometimes we seem to have experiences of faith on behalf of each other. The opening hymn for our Chief Apostle service was 'Dare to be a Daniel' (obviously relating to the story of Daniel in the lion's den). Nellie is naming her son Daniel. The hymns for such a service are *very* carefully selected and it seemed so apt. She was touched when I conveyed this to her. She gets it.
All in all I had a good weekend. I am so glad that I didn't have to work with all the problems this new product has caused. Can't wait for the long weekend!
Other than that, life while not TTC (trying to conceive) is a happy time. I really feel much better and I find I am enjoying life much more without having to constrain myself all the time. Just going out and attending parties/braais (BBQ's), not stressing about drinking a glass of wine. It truly is great. Perhaps that is why my mood is beginning to improve. May I also just say...sexy time...WOW. I forgot what that was like. I forgot how much fun it can be! OK...I didn't *really* forget, it had just faded to the edges of my memory.
I went to go and see that girl...the one who gave birth on James' due date. Apparently she didn't realize. She is so nice and so sweet really. I feel bad for feeling resentful sometimes. Although, there are other aspects of her life that I am definitely not jealous of. Therein lies the balance I guess. I had to steel myself to go and see her and nearly started crying at some point during our conversation. She admits that having a newborn is extremely hard work, it all seems so overwhelming! I left her to go back to Sarah's housewarming to further drown my sorrows (a perk of being neither pregnant nor parent)
Speaking of which...what a P.A.R.T.Y! The housewarming was awesome! Despite the fact that I was surrounded by skinny girls the whole night (really, almost all of them looked the same!) I really had a good time. Nothing like a couple of bottles of red wine and some vodka shots to throw your inhibitions out the window. Shame, Rudi was shattered. At some point he went to go sleep in the car. Poowa bebe.
We had a Chief Apostle service on Sunday morning. Our Chief Apostle serves communion for the departed souls. As I've mentioned before, in our religion we believe there is grace for those who have gone before us. I prayed that James would partake of communion with the other souls. It was quite emotional for me. After the communion for the departed souls was served, a young girl sang a solo. The name of the hymn was 'I have a home'. It brought me to tears. I couldn't help feel like it was a message for me from James. A small something to make me feel better. I'm sure there were many other people that could relate and felt comforted by this.
Nellie will be giving birth next week Tuesday. Time has flown so quickly and she's nervous and excited. Nellie and I are both religious people. Sometimes we seem to have experiences of faith on behalf of each other. The opening hymn for our Chief Apostle service was 'Dare to be a Daniel' (obviously relating to the story of Daniel in the lion's den). Nellie is naming her son Daniel. The hymns for such a service are *very* carefully selected and it seemed so apt. She was touched when I conveyed this to her. She gets it.
All in all I had a good weekend. I am so glad that I didn't have to work with all the problems this new product has caused. Can't wait for the long weekend!
Monday, 29 December 2008
Up and down
According to Dr. Amy's ovulation calculator this is my 'fertile' week. New Year's Eve is supposed to be the day I ovulate, even thought I'm feeling a bit crampy at the moment. Baby Center's ovulation calculator seems to correspond with Dr. Amy's. I suppose they're all based on the same principle. I know I said I'm going to relax and let nature take it's course and stuff, but that is harder to do than I thought it would be. Rudi and I have been trying every 48 hours for the past week or so and will continue to do so for a while I guess. That being said, if I don't fall pregnant this month I will surely lose my mind. We can't miss the ovulation window if we're trying so often, can we?
Fertility Friend seems to have ovulation calculation down to a science, but I was never really good at science and haven't bought the thermometer I would need to monitor my BBT (Basal Body Temperature).
I really should be patient and stop worrying about it. I know this. I know it will happen 'when it's meant to' like I've been told over and over again by various people. Truth be told I don't want to wait. I'm sure I've even said it myself, but it sounds so cliched and I don't want to hear it anymore.
Just writing this post is difficult. One minute I'm all gung ho being pregnant and the next I'm thinking I should just go with the flow and let it happen whenever.
Maybe I just hate not having control over it. Even if I am pregnant this month there will be the agonizing three months to follow to see if everything is OK. I suppose that's going to come whenever it happens.
FFS. I'm so conflicted.
Fertility Friend seems to have ovulation calculation down to a science, but I was never really good at science and haven't bought the thermometer I would need to monitor my BBT (Basal Body Temperature).
I really should be patient and stop worrying about it. I know this. I know it will happen 'when it's meant to' like I've been told over and over again by various people. Truth be told I don't want to wait. I'm sure I've even said it myself, but it sounds so cliched and I don't want to hear it anymore.
Just writing this post is difficult. One minute I'm all gung ho being pregnant and the next I'm thinking I should just go with the flow and let it happen whenever.
Maybe I just hate not having control over it. Even if I am pregnant this month there will be the agonizing three months to follow to see if everything is OK. I suppose that's going to come whenever it happens.
FFS. I'm so conflicted.
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~~Our Precious James~~
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