Fame

The Leo in me hungers for fame and attention, although I am not necessarily a spotlight seeker. Because I have low self esteem I don't flaunt the way I think I might if I were thinner circumstances were different.

When you fall pregnant, you become a celebrity in your own right. Suddenly everybody is interested in you...your blog stats will go up. That's for sure. People constantly want to know how you are...even if you growl at them when they ask because you feel like throwing up on your keyboard. People constantly give you gifts for the baby (I got more gifts for the baby on my birthday last year than I got for myself). Hell...people even throw a party for you near the end. All in all it really makes you feel special and cared about.

I miss that. Every woman gets her 15 minutes of fame this way. Sometimes the attention is probably unwanted. Perhaps she is a mistress, not a partner. Perhaps she is still a child herself...but attention she will have.

I am in a place in my life where the attention was most welcome. My family was overjoyed and announced the news to one and all. Colleagues were happy for me. Friends were happy for me. I am married, so there is no scandal. In fact, it is expected.

I think next time I am pregnant I'll keep it quiet until we're sure everything is OK. Everyone knowing last time turned out not to be such a good thing.

Other than that my cycle still has not started. Only 1 day late so far. It's probably still out of whack from the pregnancy. I need to be patient with this. In fact...I think I need to stop trying so hard. It's so difficult to put it out of my mind when it is something I think about so often on a daily basis. As Wenchy said, I should try to see it as a journey - not as a destination. I am definitely getting better with time. I am not nearly as anxious as I was last month and my stomach isn't in a knot every time I go to the loo.

I DO hate waiting though. Not just for this, for anything. I try to be as punctual as possible and hate waiting for people. My Evil Mother is one who is always late for everything. I think it's disrespectful to be late. It shows you have no regard for the other person's time. It drives me nuts. I'll forgive Mother Nature this time around though since I want something from her. Yeah I know. Love me. Double standards and all.

UPDATE

*blush* One of my male colleagues sent me an e-mail to tell me I look nice today. That was a bit of a ego boost, then another colleague walked up to me and said he was looking at my eyes peeking over the cubicle partition and he thought 'Who is this babe?' then decided to come and tell me about it. What's going on?!

Waiting

I feel like crap today. I'm having a bad hair day and I feel nauseous. Unfortunately I don't think the nausea has anything to do with pregnancy, but rather with the tension and frustration caused by coming back to work. Not least of all, Jubba. He hasn't shouted at me today yet, but sometimes he likes to leave you hanging for a while. It's torturous.

Other than that the pimple on my face is making me feel very unpretty and I still have cramps. My cycle hasn't started yet, but I feel it is inevitable that it will. Feeling quite hopeless about it today. I don't look forward to another month of trying. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sexy time with Rudi...but working on a schedule is so unromantic.

I feel really horrible. I hate this. Maybe it's just hormones.

No show

My cycle is still a no show. It's officially 3 full days late. If it is late. I really don't know what to think. Leebeesa recommended that I drink water (something I loathe to do) as this could assist in kicking in my cycle if it is meant to come. I HATE drinking water, but I suppose it's worth a try and it won't kill me.

If nothing has happened by Monday I'm going to go to have a blood test done. I learnt my lesson with the urine tests, they simply don't work for me! (Well, not as soon as they're 'supposed' to work)

Every time I go to the loo I wonder if it's going to be there. I've gained a kilo, when I was previously pregnant I mysteriously lost 2 kilos...gaining is more consistent with water rentention associated with PMS, isn't it?

*sigh*

Monday is so far off. Mondays aren't generally good days for me though. Maybe I should schedule it for Tuesday...but that is a whole day longer to wait.

FFS. I hate this.