+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:



I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He's actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn't start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I've just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I'm not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn't complain. It's so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James' last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn't even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

Some fun tests

Here are a few fun test stolen from mommanats.

Both of You Wear the Pants

You and your guy seem to have stuck the perfect power balance. It's not that you don't disagree - it's just that you've learned how to compromise well. You're both mature enough to know that you can't always get your way... And usually, you're both adult enough to reach an agreement - even if that sometimes means giving in a little.

Who Wears the Pants... You or Your Guy?

You Are 73% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room. You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

You Are Sometimes Considered a Hot Chick

While you may not get the most offers in the room, You've got a good thing going - dating wise You could flirt more and dress up a bit to attract more guys But in general, you are doing just fine!

Are You A Hot Chick?

You Are an Afternoon Person

You can find energy any time of the day ... or night! You prefer to be out and about when most other people are. Very early mornings or very late nights aren't really your thing. You're practically solar powered, and the afternoon is when do best.

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?

What Your Cupcake Says About You

At parties, you tend to be a social butterfly. You enjoy making conversation and making sure everyone is having fun. You hardly have any restraint. You only hold yourself back when absolutely necessary. The most important thing in your life is your significant other. You are laid back, flexible, and easy to get along with. To know you is to care for you.

The Cupcake Test

You Are a Loyal Shopper

You are a very picky shopper and tend to be loyal to a few brands. You are willing to pay extra to buy from a brand you trust. Of all the types, you're the most likely to own many designer items. You don't seek out sales as much as most people... unless it's a sale at your favorite store!

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

There are only a few short questions for each test, it won't take long. Go and do it!

Trying to make babies last night turned into an absolute disaster. I think I'm premenstrual because I was quite obviously moody. Rudi and I ended up fighting from the moment we saw each other until we tired ourselves out and went to sleep. Lots of nasty things were said (mostly to me) and I became progressively more upset. After the baby subject came up I started crying. Rudi told me I'm 'becoming weaker' and 'not being strong about it'. I told him I cannot believe he is carrying on with his life like nothing happened.

I think he felt guilty at some point because he woke me up and asked me if I wanted to try, but I was exhausted after fighting with him and my mood was completely ruined so I turned him down.

Maybe we missed our chance this cycle.

I want..wait...I don't know what I want

I'm still sore today. I don't know whether to be concerned or not. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong. It does feel slightly better than yesterday though, so I'm going to put it off for another day.

I feel like I might still be in a state of shock. Denial. I haven't had a proper cycle since we lost the baby. I think that it will hit me all over again when it comes. It will make everything real again. It will make me 'definitely NOT pregnant'. Sometimes I still feel movements in my lower belly (most likely just wind), but it feels like it felt when James first started moving and for a split second it's like he is not gone, then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks all over again. On the other hand if it doesn't come there might be something wrong, or I might be pregnant again (not impossible, but likely? I don't know.)

I really, really want to be pregnant again, but I am also very afraid of it. Afraid of the prospect and possibilities of complications and having to go through all of this again. I know I can't think like that. I know I need to be positive and trust in God that our baby will be healthy, but as a human being it is difficult for me to trust God unconditionally right now. Last night we heard in service that God will hold his children against his bosom through difficult circumstances and the evangelist that took the service told me he hopes the word helped a little bit last night. It is so indescribably difficult to have faith and trust after what we've been through.

Now I am afraid of what Monday will bring. Either way it's bad news for me emotionally. I tried to phone the doctor's office to find out if I should expect my cycle within the normal cycle length after the womb scrape, but there was no answer. I tried again later and the receptionist said that it should take about 4 weeks for my cycle to start after the womb scrape, but that it could take a bit longer. She said that the pain I am experiencing may be ovulation pains (Where is Rudi when I need him?! Definitely going to get busy tonight, just in case.) Tomorrow it will be exactly a month since I had the womb scrape, so hopefully my cycle will kick in when it's supposed to, unless I'm pregnant again.

I'm so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I can't help but think we'll be happy when we're pregnant again...worried, but happy. I could do with a little happiness right now.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.

"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?

"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here's to health and fertility!

The Cycle

*sigh*

Yesterday was a hard day. I was OK at work, I only cried once, but after I got home I couldn't stop crying. I went to church and continued to cry there and went home and cried some more. At least I know what set me off yesterday. A lady at work lent me the "What to expect when you're expecting" book. I had it returned to her while I was off. She knows full well what happened, I even know who told her, but she still came up to me yesterday to ask me why I had returned the book. It's like she wanted ME to say it. I wanted to kick her ass. That is what set me off crying at work.

Rudi was late to pick me up yesterday and I was extremely irritated and he wasn't very pleasant when I got in the car. I tried my best in a calm manner to ask him to let me know when he is going to be late so that I don't wait outside on the street for him (it's not safe). He immediately jumped on his high horse and went off at me which just made me feel more annoyed and irritated...

I touched on the anger phase of me grief cycle yesterday. I went on a course that defined the stages of grief and taught us that it is important to know what stage you are in so that you can address your emotions and deal with them accordingly.

The stages are (comments below made by me mostly while in these stages):

Denial

I went through this stage for a little while. "This can't be happening, I'm healthy, we have no birth defects in our families". The gynae/specialist or being overly cautious, it's all a mistake.

Anger

Touched on this one last night. Why us? Why do other people have healthy babies? People that don't even WANT babies have babies and give them away. Why couldn't I have my baby?

Bargaining

If it's just the baby's feet we can handle that. We can fix that. Let the other things on the scan be a non-issue. Please God let the doctor be exaggerating or mistaken and let everything be OK (this before the specialist scan in the half an hour or so while I was waiting for her)

Depression

I don't think I've had this to the extent that I'm going to get it yet.

Acceptance

Getting there...I can't NOT accept what has happened, just as I cannot change it. It's a fact and it's not disputable. How to deal with it...that's a different issue.

You can go through these stages for years. You can be stuck on one stage for the rest of your life. A lot of people get stuck on anger or depression which is completely normal. You can go through these phases in any order and even after the 'acceptance' stage you can go back into depression or denial. I've got a feeling I'm a in the denial stage right now because I'm trying to put it out of my mind while I'm at work and I feel that I'm going to slip back into the bargaining stage soon ("God, just please bless us with a healthy baby quickly, then I'll feel better and go to church every service, etc.")

Life has carried on and I'm going through the motions. The following Alanis* song describes it perfectly:

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Try to listen to the song on her site. It's beautiful and really sad. There isn't actually more I could say...

*lyrics courtesy of alanis.com

Grief

I wonder when it will stop hurting. I'm at a point now where I cannot look at baby things or toys or babies. On Saturday (when everything sunk in) Rudi took me to a 'fun day' type thing that they were having near where we live. I was already upset and then I saw a tiny pair of pink baby shoes with a butterfly embroidered on them in white. I just couldn't handle it. Suddenly everywhere I looked there were babies and toys and nappies...

I just opened the parenting community site and the first thing that came up was picture of one of my pregnant friend's belly and I had to click away. I had to close it. I couldn't look anymore...I couldn't go and look at the forums (which was my original intention), I had to close it immediately.

This has got to go away. I have more than one pregnant friend at the moment (3 that I see regularly - two of these at work) and I cannot be weird with them. I cannot be angry with them...I cannot resent them. I am endlessly envious of them and their healthy babies...but none of this is their fault. I might need to see someone or speak to someone. There is enormous online support (the parenting community were extremely supportive and warm)...perhaps I should find an online community that deals exclusively with grief so that I do not stumble upon the other things that I cannot face right now.

I have to head back to work on Monday. I'm not looking forward to facing the world. I've kind of holed myself up and surrounded myself with family and close friends. I've got to be OK. I can't break. I need to be OK.