I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.
I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:
What makes a mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.
"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?
"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"
Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."
"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"
I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.
I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*
Here's to health and fertility!