Over

So I survived yesterday (as I suspected I would) and am still alive today.

I would like to thank the following people for the messages I received yesterday:

angel
@laurakim123
@thejacksonfiles
@leevanlog
@zola237
@lanajvr
Aldaz Heather
Solitaire
JaneW
Janice

and of course, Nellie <3

Plus all the ladies from the parenting community that conveyed their concern and support.

Thank you all for your messages, I really appreciate the prayers and love I have received.

Rudi loved his birthday present. I bought him a Shimano fishing reel. Apparently it's a very good kind and he'll never need another one (unless he throws it in the ocean with his rod). He was under the impression I did not buy him one at all. Usually he fishes out his gifts before the time. I finally had him fooled this year.

So today is 'move on' day. Today should also be kick myself under the bum day because I have not been walking and eating a load of rubbish. I need to remember to love myself and stop treating myself so badly! Why is this so hard for women to do?

Rudi thinks I'm having an affair. Twitter has me glued to my phone and he thinks that I have a twitter boyfriend. LOL. He doesn't get the online addictions. He says I'm like a high school girl on MXIT with her boyfriend. Does this mean I have a problem? Is there such a thing as twitter rehab? LOL. I don't think I'll be able to leave it!

I think that they are coming to draw blood tonight for my new life insurance policy to check that I'm not a smoker. I haven't smoked for about a week and a half. Quite interested to see if I pass. People have been telling me it takes much longer to get out of your system. I've been tempted to smoke, don't get me wrong, but I've abstained for the sake of a discount on my premium. Now lets just hope they test comes back negative for nicotine and that is the only thing they test for :)

So from tomorrow it's happy thoughts and rainbows and bunnies. Must be happy and put all this stuff behind me. New page. New life. Happiness.

+/- 0kg

Apparently I need to exercise to lose weight. Go figure. I had an OK eating week last week which is probably why I didn't gain, but it seems I won't lose if I'm not walking either. I was sick. Give me a break!

For those of you that don't know, tomorrow our baby would have been born. It's also Rudi's birthday tomorrow. Not only that, two people that were pregnant along with me and due in early April are both giving birth tomorrow. It feels like everyone except me is having their baby tomorrow. FFS. Could they not have waited till next week? Or even Thursday? I suppose I cannot blame them. Babies come when they are ready. Although, both births are planned C-sections. There is also a good chance that our baby could have been with us already (estimated due dates are exactly that, estimations)...but that is something we will never know.

I took leave for Wednesday, anticipating it will be a difficult day for me, but I didn't realize that I would break down on Monday already. I sat crying at my desk yesterday until I finally decided to go home. Jubba and his line manager told me I could take time if I needed it and I need time now.

Wednesday is the last big day. The last chapter in the events that would have led to us having a baby. Rudi told me the other day he wants to celebrate James' birthday in some way each year. He also told me last year that we could celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day, even though we don't have a living baby. I suppose those days could be hard for me too, but luckily they occur on a weekend.

I'm at home again today. I didn't see the point of going into the office, just to have to come home again.

Rudi doesn't understand why I am still upset. Yesterday when he picked me up from work he said 'But his soul is with God now, why are you still sad?'. Men don't really get it, do they?

I have to pick myself up after this. I can't be stuck in this dark cloud forever.

By the way, the number I had for my father was a number for a company. My grandfather called them yesterday and they don't know who he is. I guess this journey continues.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.

"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?

"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here's to health and fertility!

1st Appointment

Rudi and I went for the first gynae appointment yesterday. He seems like a really nice doctor and he practices in Panorama which is a nice hospital. We had a scan and saw the baby for the first time. It looks like a little jelly bean right now. The doctor said the heartbeat is nice and strong and the baby is moving around so everything looks good.

He says that I'm about 9 weeks along and predicted the due date on Rudi's birthday (18 March 2009).

He prescribed some vitamins for me to take and something to help with the nausea. I have an appointment with another doctor on 15 September, but I think I want to stick to this doctor. He is sweet and friendly and nice. I'll phone his office to see when I can get my next appointment.

I'll see if I can somehow upload the scan pictures, but I'm scared to try and scan it because I'm not sure if the scanner will heat up the paper and turn it black. Anyone know if you can scan a scan? LOL

****UPDATE****

Apparently you can! Click on the picture to enlarge. The head is on the right hand side. In the third picture the cloudy part going up is the umbilical chord.

What a Weekend

Happy Easter Everyone! I hope you guys all had a good long weekend.

I certainly had a good long weekend, but I'm not going to braai (BBQ) again for a long time. We had a braai on Friday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday. I'm so sick of potato salad, toss salad and garlic bread it's not funny.

On one of the days we were chilling at the neighbour's (the days sort of flowed into each other to the extent that I'm not sure what we did on which day), we suddenly noticed a ball of black smoke rising from behind the wall of our complex. Being the curious creatures that we are, we hoofed it over to the wall (a mere 3 metres or so) where we saw the last thing we imagined - a burning car! A burning car on the road? Is that so strange you may ask...why...yes. It was quite strange since there was no crash, no explosion, no bang - no anything. The car was standing close to the curb as if it had pulled up there and spontaneously combusted into bright orange flames. Within about 5 minutes the entire car (an Opel Astra) had burnt out and we were treated to intermittent popping sounds as the tyres exploded one by one. Quite frightening since we all watch too much TV and were waiting for the petrol tank to blow. It didn't. I think one of the neighbours managed to get a photo - I'll ask him if he can send it to me.

Other than that we went to braai at Nic's house for the first time. He is lead singer of Feedback. Nic and his wife have an amazing house and beautiful pets. They have two Great Danes. One is an albino and is white with blue eyes. The other one looks a bit like a cow as he is white with black patches. They also have two cats - fluffy cute kitties that you want to hug! Both Rudi and I enjoyed it very much...although...Rudi was already drunk by the time he got there (that means it was Saturday because he went to play darts) and he ended up in the pool. It wasn't that hot, so we assume it was just driven by the drunkenness and craziness that accompanies that.

Brad and Sarah were away the whole weekend. They are actually still away - they went to Bloemfontein to visit Sarah's family. They are probably having loads of fun, but we miss them. There's a gap in the neighbourhood get togethers when they are not there. They'll be coming back on Wednesday...I can't wait to hear all the stories about what they got up to.

Is it wrong that I was just at home for 4 days and I can't wait to stay home again?

I finally bought a bee sting for my car. I've been meaning to do this forever, but kept putting it off. All in all it cost over R300 for the aerial and the installation, but it was worth it! I now have crystal clear radio reception and I can listen to people talk kak whenever I please.

Photos as promised

Voldemort and Boogaloo forgot to bring their camera, despite the reminders I gave them. I did, however, manage to snap a few pics with my crappy phone.

Rudi and Trevlyn

A sparkler in his food as promised! The waiters sang for him too!

Amber has found a new spot on the stairs that she likes to occupy.

Peter and I...Don't we look fabulous?

She's just loving this step. I can't explain it.

I hope you like th pictures :)

Rudi's Birthday

I've recently discovered Bloglines and other types of RSS feeds. What a pleasure. I've always struggled to keep up with blog posts and to keep all the blogs I like bookmarked is a mission. Feedburner has made me wise to these things since I've started my new blog. Nothing would be cooler than to have hundreds of subscribers, but that's just not going to happen. That only happens to the likes of Peas. Is it because she's a journalist and writes well? Is it because she's funny? Maybe it's because she always has interesting things to write about.

Anyhoo...I've neatly put all the blogs I like into my Bloglines feed and I immediately know when something new is posted. It's wonderful. You can subscribe to my blog by clicking on the animated button on the right (the one that flashes the 'headlines' on my blog). You can subscribe in almost any reader, then you'll always know when I've posted :)

Other than that the application I need to work on is still messed up (since yesterday) with no estimated time for resolution or even an indication that the developers know what the problem is. What ever happened to pre-production testing? Seriously? These developers get paid tons of money for applications that they stuff up causing a ripple effect to everyone that uses it. Do they get penalised? I wonder. Having to work around their incompetence is really frustrating. I suppose this is the part where I need to step up, be flexible and show how I cope under pressure. Quit my whining? Sure.

It's Rudi's birthday today. At first he didn't want to do anything this evening - he wanted to go out on Friday night, but he changed his mind after Boogaloo called him. Boogaloo asked what we were doing to celebrate and since it was coming from someone other than me he felt it was a good idea. What he didn't know is that he was blowing to hell a secret plan for his mother and father to come and drink tea this evening while delivering his gift. His mother called me last night to conspire. She was going to ignore his birthday all day and surprise him this evening. I called his mother to let her know that he had changed his mind and proceeded to tell her about her son's clothing preferences, without realizing she's his mother, who would know better? They opted not to join us for supper, but she said she would deliver his gift before we leave. Rudi promptly decided to phone his mother and kak her out for not wishing him yet. I assume this was the desired reaction.

I'm looking forward to going out with Boogaloo and Voldemort tonight. We haven't all spent time together for a while and it should lots of fun with stimulating conversion and speculation about whether we are heading for a recession or not. Good times.

We'll also certainly make the waiters sing for Rudi. All the waiters in the restaurant will come and clap and sing their special 'birthday song' attracting the attention of all the other patrons and generally embarassing the target of their jubilance. They also put a sparkler in his food. I can't wait.

I've requested that Voldemort brings his fancy new camera to take pictures for my blog...hope he remembers.