The Spider

*shudder*

The weekend has been quite chilled out. On Friday we went to a colleague's birthday and I had quite a good time. Even dared the dance floor with no drinks in me! I could hardly believe it!

The entire Saturday was spent vegging. It was just what I needed. Today Rudi joined me for church (a rare treat) and we spent lunch at his parents house to celebrate Father's Day.

We were chilling on the couch this evening. I had just woken up from a nap, just in time to catch Friday's episode of 7de Laan which I had missed when Rudi asked me to leave the room with him. I resisted as I was trying to watch TV and enjoying some chocolate, but he persisted and he led me out of the room by my hand. Cool as a cucumber. Once out of the lounge he told me there was a huge spider against the wall. Not believing him I went to have a look and this is what I saw:




If you enlarge the first picture you will see the reflection of the flash in the spider's eye.

Rudi and I are both terrified of spiders. I was standing squealing and Rudi was trying to calm me, not knowing what to do. I called Bradley, thinking 'he's a manly man', but his advice was to spray it with bug spray and smack it with a shoe once it moved. I didn't want to do that. Then I remembered my grandfather often caught rain spiders where they live and they don't live too far away. I gave him a call and he said he'd be right over.

He caught it in a jar within seconds and has taken it home to release in their garden. My hero!

Here are some more pics I took, some with a tea light candle for perspective. My grandfather says it's still a baby. I don't want to know where daddy and mommy are.






To quote a funny and informative article about rain spiders from IOL:

"...plunge households into turmoil through arguments over who is going to remove them, reducing strapping alpha males into Tupperware-clutching wrecks."

I think I need a shower to wash the creep off me. *shudder*

Weekend and Politics

Our weekend wasn't too bad. Had a braai on Friday night. Everyone had a good time it seemed. I drank an entire bottle of red wine, but seemed to be the only sober person there.

On Saturday we had a nice lie in. Slept till 10am - something we're almost incapable of doing under normal circumstances. I'm sure the late night on Saturday night contributed. Saturday was quite a relaxed day, until my grandfather called and asked us to come over. So we had to peel ourselves off the couch, shower, get dressed and everything. What a mission. Especially since winter seemed to arrive this weekend and it was quite chilly.

Sunday morning was church as usual. Rudi couldn't be bothered and was still under the covers when I got home. I decided to take off my fancy clothes and creep in with him. What a pleasure. Yesterday was Rudi's parents 40th wedding anniversary so we went to a restaurant called The Quarter Deck in Grand West Casino. The outside of the restaurant is shaped like the deck of a ship - hence the name. They have a buffet lunch for R150.00 a head. I don't think it's really worth the money for me, but Rudi makes up for it. He had quite a few plates of mussels and prawns. I cannot tell you whether or not the seafood is nice (as I don't eat seafood), but you could definitely get your money's worth. As we didn't have any money to go Rudi's parents paid for us. That was very sweet of them.

Turns out my overtime worked has not been approved since March. I have over 20 hours worth of overtime that I should have gotten the end of April. Fail. Now I'll have to wait for it till the end of May. I was really looking forward to having some extra money at the end of this month, perhaps to have my hair done, but it seems that is not going to happen. May is a bonus month for us, so I will have over enough money next month anyway - and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get screwed on tax. Fortunately we receive our annual increase this month and that might just help a little bit (I hope).

Wednesday this week is election day in South Africa. I can't wait to go and make my X. It's the first time I have ever registered to vote (yeah, I'm bad, I know) and it's going to be a very exciting election. I am normally apathetic towards politics, but South African citizens have an opportunity in this election to change the country. I certainly hope that the result of this election will be positive for South Africa and that a new era of politics will begin...

Sick

I'm not feeling so well today. I didn't go in to work. I think I'm coming down with something. I feel all congested at night and nauseous during the day. No...I'm not pregnant. My readers would be amongst the first to know. I got up this morning and prepared breakfast and lunch for Rudi and I, like I do every morning...but I just didn't feel right. I bit the bullet and phoned Jubba (something I loathe to do, although he has always been reasonable when I've been ill) and took a sick day.

It's very hot today...I've already gone and cleaned the kitchen and put things straight and all sorts of things I should rather just leave because I'm not feeling well. Now that everything is done though I'm going to rest. Maybe it's just all the stress at work lately. There's been tension in the air at work for the past two weeks. For a change it's not Jubba that's driving me crazy. The whole department has been in shambles and trying to bail out one of the portfolios and I think everyone is feeling a little thinly spread. Management doesn't think we're performing at our optimum levels and decided to just pile more work on and shuffle us around. It makes complete sense from a business perspective, but we are people and sometimes companies forget about people. I must say The Company isn't heartless and doesn't treat us badly and pays us well. I don't blame The Company...I just think there are some structuring issues and perhaps some strategies need to be put in place to prevent the portfolio in question from falling behind like they have again. It's not the first time it has happened, but it always seems like it gets left till the last minute and then everyone panics.

So. I'm resting today.

I bought myself a very pretty dress yesterday. It's officially the only one I own. I own skirts that I rarely wear, but I have no dresses. Just this one. I saw it in a mall close by quite a while ago, but they didn't have my size. Yesterday I saw it in a different mall, in my size AND on sale. I had to get it. Rarely does a dress catch my eye, but this one did.



So last night I put on my new dress and my heels and I went to church. I felt so feminine and pretty. It's the perfect dress for special occasions and I received lots of compliments last night.

Check out Amber's battle scar:






Silly cat.

I just finished watching P.S. I love you. Very good movie. It just brings me back to that place where I remember that I need to appreciate what I have. It's a beautiful movie and I would recommend you see it if you haven't yet.

I looked at my microscope long and hard this morning and I just checked it again. I think I'm starting to see signs of ferning. Very slight, but it's starting to show up. Rudi reckons it still looks the same, but I don't agree. Maybe tomorrow it will be clearer and he can see.

I might have gotten myself out of fishing on Saturday with Fence and Lindor. It all depends on whether or not their partners are going with. Even if I don't go fishing, there's no escaping the braai (BBQ) afterwards. On Sunday apparently we're going to Franshoek. Rudi's brother, Derick, wants to do something for their mom and we've been invited, but it's not yet confirmed. I must take my camera if we go. It's beautiful there. I hope I'm not still feeling ill this weekend.

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

Angel Fluff and heavy stuff

angel tagged her readers to post a picture of their bedside tables. Here's mine:



I'm currently reading Eldest from the Eragon series. For those that don't know, it's the second book of three.

I was upset this morning after church. After service My Evil Mother called me aside and asked me to please pray for her this week as Service for the Departed is going to be especially difficult for her. I was a tad confused by this statement and asked her to clarify, thinking perhaps someone she knew had passed on, but then she said she didn't want to talk about it because it would upset me. She was talking about James! Having registered this I asked her if she didn't think it would be hard for me...'Of course! But I held him...' FFS. I carried him inside me you stupid wench! I don't know why I'm surprised. She's always been an attention whore and pity is her favourite kind of attention. I understand that James was her first and only grandchild thus far, but he was my son and I think it was insensitive of her to ask me to remember HER. Pffft.

In case anyone was wondering. I'm not pregnant this month either.

Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

Needles and things...

Sorry I didn’t get around to blogging yesterday. I was super busy at work and didn’t get a moment. I then got home very late from church and couldn’t log on to the internet so I couldn’t even blog last night.

On Tuesday I felt so incredibly good after our walk. I felt energized and ‘happy’. I even managed to walk faster uphill and recovered more quickly afterwards! I never ever believed people telling me that exercise makes you ‘happy’ and you feel good afterwards. What hogwash! All that exercise did for me was made me tired! Not anymore. I’m really looking forward to our walk tonight again.

Last night before we went our separate ways I tried to impress the importance of having some sexy time with Rudi, although on a Wednesday with him going to darts and me to church there is no time after we get home. He then gets home very late from darts usually and I am asleep. He told me that it was very unlikely that it was going to happen and I just got over myself and left it at that. He woke me up when he got home (after 23:30), but I was so groggy and miserable I told him to take a hike! LOL. I HATE being woken up! He gets extra brownie points for trying though.

Other than that we’ve just been informed of our final bonus scores and I am happy with the result. I’ll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card and pay a hefty sum towards that horrible doctor’s bill I have.

I jabbed a colleague with a needle today. She needs to have injections every day, but can’t see very well where she needs to put the needle. She asked me if I could do it for her and I reluctantly agreed, but it wasn’t too bad! I told her I’d do it for her every day if she wanted. She’s happy about that and I’m happy to help someone in need. Everyone else is too scared to do it! I am a brave chick!

I have a gynae appointment on Monday and I am not looking forward to it. Not only because he is probably going to scratch around in the last place I want him to, but I’m afraid of things he might say. I’m probably stressing myself out for nothing.

Updates

So in case you were wondering...I did go and walk again last night :) We walked before we cooked supper so it was quite a bit warmer than when we walked after 19:00 on Tuesday. The heat aided in us working up quite a sweat. Still felt good! We took the same route as the last walk and it wasn't necessarily less strenious, but I didn't get a stitch this time so there is already improvement. On Saturday we are going through to Tableview to visit my great aunt and going for a walk on the beach afterwards, no matter how strong the wind is! (I've used that as an excuse not to walk on the beach before) The sand offers nice resistance and should make it a good workout. We've also started looking at taking other routes to keep it interesting. There are quite a few nice houses in our area so it will be nice to walk around and look at all of them.

The eating plan is still going well, although I'm curious to see how it will turn out on the weekend. I just know Rudi will fall off the wagon with the 'no drinking' part of it. In fact, he already has when he went to darts on Wednesday. He's already made plans to have a snoek (fish) braai (BBQ) with Crack Head tonight and told him to buy a six pack or a bottle of brandy. I told him he can really do whatever he likes as long as he doesn't expect to get the best results. He's never been on a diet or eating plan in his life before and I don't think he realizes just how difficult it can be sometimes. I hope he is inspired by my diligence and the results I hope to obtain. I suddenly can't wait to get onto the scale on Tuesday to see the fruits of my labour!

I was so busy at work yesterday I completely forgot to blog about the hilarious thing that happened at home on Wednesday! We were cooking supper and I needed to have a shower before going to church. After getting undressed Rudi decided to take advantage of my lack of clothing. One thing led to another and I guess we got a bit carried away...only to realize afterwards that we had burnt our food! Luckily the damage wasn't too bad and we managed to eat it. We're still having a good chuckle about it though.

I'm trying my best to just enjoy the sexy time Rudi and I are having together without thinking of babies or whether the time together will result in a pregnancy. It's craziness! I'm still charting my temperatures and monitoring how my body feels. We're still trying at the 'right' times, but I'm not going to stress about it too much. It will come. Eventually! (read: I hope it happens this month)

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I'm going to watch Bride Wards with Leebeesa. Just a diet coke this time, no popcorn. It's going to be fun! Let us hope the rest of the weekend doesn't turn out to be as disastrous as last weekend was.

The Cycle

*sigh*

Yesterday was a hard day. I was OK at work, I only cried once, but after I got home I couldn't stop crying. I went to church and continued to cry there and went home and cried some more. At least I know what set me off yesterday. A lady at work lent me the "What to expect when you're expecting" book. I had it returned to her while I was off. She knows full well what happened, I even know who told her, but she still came up to me yesterday to ask me why I had returned the book. It's like she wanted ME to say it. I wanted to kick her ass. That is what set me off crying at work.

Rudi was late to pick me up yesterday and I was extremely irritated and he wasn't very pleasant when I got in the car. I tried my best in a calm manner to ask him to let me know when he is going to be late so that I don't wait outside on the street for him (it's not safe). He immediately jumped on his high horse and went off at me which just made me feel more annoyed and irritated...

I touched on the anger phase of me grief cycle yesterday. I went on a course that defined the stages of grief and taught us that it is important to know what stage you are in so that you can address your emotions and deal with them accordingly.

The stages are (comments below made by me mostly while in these stages):

Denial

I went through this stage for a little while. "This can't be happening, I'm healthy, we have no birth defects in our families". The gynae/specialist or being overly cautious, it's all a mistake.

Anger

Touched on this one last night. Why us? Why do other people have healthy babies? People that don't even WANT babies have babies and give them away. Why couldn't I have my baby?

Bargaining

If it's just the baby's feet we can handle that. We can fix that. Let the other things on the scan be a non-issue. Please God let the doctor be exaggerating or mistaken and let everything be OK (this before the specialist scan in the half an hour or so while I was waiting for her)

Depression

I don't think I've had this to the extent that I'm going to get it yet.

Acceptance

Getting there...I can't NOT accept what has happened, just as I cannot change it. It's a fact and it's not disputable. How to deal with it...that's a different issue.

You can go through these stages for years. You can be stuck on one stage for the rest of your life. A lot of people get stuck on anger or depression which is completely normal. You can go through these phases in any order and even after the 'acceptance' stage you can go back into depression or denial. I've got a feeling I'm a in the denial stage right now because I'm trying to put it out of my mind while I'm at work and I feel that I'm going to slip back into the bargaining stage soon ("God, just please bless us with a healthy baby quickly, then I'll feel better and go to church every service, etc.")

Life has carried on and I'm going through the motions. The following Alanis* song describes it perfectly:

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Try to listen to the song on her site. It's beautiful and really sad. There isn't actually more I could say...

*lyrics courtesy of alanis.com

Another Monday

After how my last Monday went...I'm officially "Garfield" about Mondays. I am waiting for a call from the gynae. His receptionist said on Friday that they have received the results and report from the specialist and once he's looked over it she'll give me a call to schedule an appointment. She said she'll call me early Monday morning. She obviously doesn't start work as soon as I open my eyes, but I'm anxious for her call. Rudi is on standby as well.

I was a bit more optimistic over the weekend. Feeling better about things and less negative than I was on Friday, but we still have a decision to make.

Going to church yesterday was difficult. I had to duck out of church quickly to avoid the empathetic people who only mean well, but tend to make me burst into tears.

Coming in to work today was harder. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm having an anxiety attack. The people that were informed have been respectfully quiet and haven't probed me. The people that don't know, however, have come up to me asking how I am and asking how baby is. If we decide to terminate I think I'll request a departmental meeting while I'm not here to avoid the questions afterwards.

Hold thumbs that the gynae calls soon and that he sees us today.

and...it's back

Just in case I missed my morning sickness while it went looking for a new person to make miserable...it decided to join me again yesterday. Yesterday morning I was feeling 100%. I was even upbeat because I thought I looked cute in a new outfit I bought. I went to church and while sitting there I felt weird and got to the loo just in time. I can only hope nobody heard me. Blind.

I felt like crap the whole day yesterday and this morning when I woke up I soon realized that I was too happy too soon about this morning sickness going away. It's definitely still here :( This really sucks because it's supposed to go away by now. I'm probably almost 15 weeks now (according to my last gynae visit). I'm going to cry. Damnit.

On a happier note I went shopping with Sarah on Saturday and managed to spend some money on myself. I bought some accessories and 3 nice tops, PLUS I'm getting my hair done today. I can't wait to get rid of these roots! I really hope it doesn't take 3 and a half hours like it did last time...I'm going to be bored out of my skull!

FOOD MEME!

I saw this on Jenty's blog and thought it might be fun. Some weird stuff on here!

Bold the ones you’ve had

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk in cheese form
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

I need to live a little!

It's my 100th blog post on my new blog. A lot has happened since I started blogging here, including me getting pregnant. I haven't written about My Evil Mother here, which means I haven't had much interaction with her.

I nearly fainted in church yesterday. We were standing for quite some time (ok 5 minutes or so) and while we were praying I starting getting hot flushes and feeling very dizzy and light headed. I sat down, but it didn't seem to help. I ran to the bathroom and leaned against the cold wall. I thought I would throw up, but thankfully I didn't. Someone offered me a chair at the back and kept checking on me (I was sitting up front to begin with). I must have looked awful as a complete stranger came up to me and asked me if I was ok - said she was worried about me. After communion My Evil Mother realized I hadn't been sitting next to her for almost the entire service and came running to me crying to check if I was alright *rolls eyes*. She probably only showed concern because people were watching.

After church I was feeling better and we went to have a picnic. I ended up playing a bit of tennis and shooting some hoops. I got a little exercise for a change and felt really good about it, even though I felt like crap the rest of the day.

I still feel like crap. I can't freaking WAIT for this all day sickness to go away. I'm fed up with it.

A colleague at work gave a gym my contact details. Apparently she needed to nominate 10 people or some crap. I HATE it when people do that. Now I have a gym dude on my back trying to sell me a subscription. The gym is like on the other side of the world too. So I'll go there this afternoon and I'll tell him that I will sign up with Virgin if anyone since I get a special deal from Discovery. I will also tell them that I'm under strict instructions from my gynae not to exercise. Bastards. I want to strangle the colleague. I have a tough time saying no to people. The more you say no the more they push. I hate it.

I tag cheapthrills to do the meme and tag all her friends since nobody actually reads my blog.

Not a cure

I am so freaking sick and tired of being sick. The lollipops either only work in the morning or it was a fluke. I was so ill last night that I didn't go to church. I feel so guilty about not going, but I really am sick.

It's important that I go to church now. Especially with my grandfather being sick and me wanting God's blessing with the baby.

I feel so helpless. I was crying last night. Poor Rudi also doesn't know what to do with me. He's just as helpless as I am. Strangely enough I seem to feel most ill at night.

I've started taking the the morning sickness tablets again. I really can't feel this way all the time. I'm a wuss. I know it. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Rudi says I should go to the doctor, but I don't think that there's anything the doctor can do for me either. I'm not supposed to be taking any medicine or anything. Baby Centre says I should try exercising. Apparently it helps. It's winter now and it's cold and raining. I don't have any exercise equipment and I don't have a gym subscription. How am I supposed to exercise? Walk up and down the stairs? Bleugh.

We went to look at another apartment yesterday. It's smaller than what we have now and costs more. Pfft. I'm starting to feel like we're not going to find anything. The agent said that if we don't find something in the first two weeks we might be screwed because most of the properties are gone by then.

Can't I just sleep through the next month and wake up feeling normal in a great new place - already moved?

FFS. I'm not asking much here.

P.S. The lollipops still seem to work in the mornings. I forgot to mention that I'm getting dark circles under my eyes. Now I don't only feel like shit, I look like shit too. Great.

Unfathomable

Here goes my day so far:

05:30 - Snooze alarm
06:05 - Drag self out of bed
06:23 - Put on new black super sexy boots
06:25 - New black super sexy boots are killing me
07:53 - New black super sexy boots are still killing me

O.M.G. What is it with women? What the fuck is wrong with woman?! Why do we torture ourselves with heels up to our asses? Ok...it's not SUCH a high heel, but I've been living in flats for years, now THIS.

Sure, these shoes look HOT. I <3 how they look, but I'm sure the expression on my face everytime I stand up is seriously negating my 'look'.

I have a question for the ladies out there...can your feet really get used to this? I think it is highly unlikely.

I initially intended to wear the boots to church tonight as well, but I don't know if I'm going to make it.

Luckily I sit on my ass at work all day and I am not really required to walk around much, but at church I have to stand through the hymns (which have doubled for me as a choir member) and prayers which may prove to be a little more difficult than I anticipated.

On that I would like to answer a question that Peas On Toast posed on her blog post today:

'Second question: If you wear fuck off gorgeous winter boots with stockings and mini skirts as your new “Winter Look,” whilst attending to admin, does it make it easier?'

The answer is NO, Peas. NO! It will make your day THAT much more difficult! Admin requires pyjamas and fluffy pink slippers with butterflies on.