*MAJOR YAWN*

*yawn* I am so tired I feel like my head is going to fall off. This morning I rushed to get ready and then crawled back into bed for 10 minutes. I would SO much rather have stayed in bed and slept. Keeping in mind that I've been working for 11 days straight now. That doesn't help. *yawn*

It doesn't look like sleeping late will be forthcoming this weekend. On Saturday I have to go and renew my car license...it expired on the 30th of June already and I'm already into my 21 day grace period. Then at 11:30 I have a hair appointment.

Sunday morning will be church and on Sunday afternoon we're going to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D with Beauty Queen, SLK and a bunch of their friends. Quite looking forward to that.

Weekends are too short dammit. Three days. Is that too much to ask? I'll still give four full days to my employer. Just ONE more weekend day. Either that or I should have become a construction worker or doctor. With all the strikes going on at the moment I would have been granted some time off.

Going to bed at early doesn't seem to help much either, although Rudi decided it was more important for him to go out and watch darts last night than to spend time with me, so he did wake me up when he got home and then I had heartburn so struggled to get back to sleep. I'm actually quite annoyed with him for going, but what can you do? I suppose he needs some time away from me as well. Hmph.

So I'm 9 weeks today. The appointment for my nuchal scan was made for 7 August 09:00. I will probably be anxious and nervous before this scan as it will be done with high definition scanning equipment and this is where we'll get our first indications of what exactly is happening inside me at the moment. My ticker says our baby has fingers and toes already...so we'll most likely be able to see a whole lot more by the time 7 August rolls around *fret*

Ok. Enough of that.

I'm going to have a nap on my desk.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Exhausted

I am exhausted, tired beyond belief. My last 12 consecutive days of work has completely messed me up. I could hardly lift myself out of bed this morning. I rested all weekend. We only went out on Friday night and we were in bed by 11. I feel like a zombie. I need some leave, but don’t want to waste leave.

Isn’t leave intended for those who need a break though? I’ve put in leave for next Monday. I’m working next weekend so with leave on Monday I’ll be working 11 consecutive days instead of 12. Not sure if that will help much.

I’ve pleaded with my team that we change our weekend roster so that we don’t work so many consecutive days, but changing this will mean working weekends more often so they kick against it. Also there are rumours of shifts coming back into our environment, so their latest argument was that we should continue to work this way to get as many weekends off as possible.

I see their point. I really do…but I don’t know if I can keep it up. Management has nothing to do with the way our weekends are scheduled and I suppose they shouldn’t turn a blind eye…but this is what my team has decided and I used to be able to do it. I must be getting OLD.

I’m going to bed at 7 tonight. Crap. I can’t. Survivor is on. Sherbet.

Twitter

Yesterday I signed up to Twitter. I'd heard about it before, but I wasn't sure what it was. The word 'twitter' was coming up a lot in my daily life (even on the radio) and I decided to sign up and check it all out. Nice thing about twitter? It's not blocked at work like Facebook. Yet.

So the cell phone number for my father was a dead end, although I kind of expected that. I didn't call the number, in case you were wondering. Cell phone numbers are quite disposable, despite some people wanting to hang on to them for dear life. Really, I know. Some people don't use their cell phone number for over a year and then wonder why it is deleted. Like the networks have space to save all the millions of profiles of SIM cards that are most likely thrown away. Read the terms a conditions for pete's sake. OK. Rant over!

I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still have a bit of a cough and my tummy still hurts, but other than that I'm in ordinary health. I have to go to the doctor soon for a 'check up'. I'm taking out life insurance and I guess they want to make sure I'm not already dying on them. They pay for the doctor's appointment though. It's basically a free physical. I'm not going to complain. I also have to go for a blood test to ensure that I'm a non-smoker. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be a problem, but a little while ago while Rudi and I were fighting I was REALLY stressed out and I kind of started smoking again. Not much, just the occasional cigarette...and then when I had a drink I would light up. I was almost smoking every day. The last time I smoked was Sunday. I've been told it should be out of my system in a week and half. I guess we'll have to see what the blood test yields. It hasn't been too tough to stop again now that I have a goal. Yeah I know. I'm bad. I almost had two years on my smoke free record. Idiot. Now I have to start counting all over again like the relapsed addict I am.

It's Jubba's birthday today. The team has planned a little surprise party for him and booked him a one hour full body massage as a gift. We'll be buying him Nando's. His favourite. I had a little chat with Jubba a while ago. I aired my feelings and I told him about how people perceive him. I explained to him that I have seen his softer side and it was a real pity that people judged him by his outbursts of rage. I tried to impress on him that people tend to remember the bad stuff you do, especially when the bad stuff is so extreme. Since our little chat our relationship has seemed to improve. He has really become a bit better. Towards me anyway. He also said he's taking it easy on me since we lost James as he can tell I'm not my old self anymore. I cried in his office. I felt stupid, but he asked me how things were at home. He asked during the week when Rudi and I were fighting and I felt like my marriage was crumbling. If he didn't want to know, he shouldn't have asked.

We stayed up late last night. Well, late for us. For those of you who didn't know we go to bed at around 20:30 usually and wake up around 05:30. Early to bed, early to rise. We really got into season 3 of Criminal Minds and that caused us to stay up past our bedtime. Pity I'm working this weekend. Otherwise I might have been able to rest.

*yawn*

I am so tired I could just die! Working last weekend is catching up to me. It's my 11th consecutive day of work today and I'm a zombie.

My Evil Mother is being such a leech! She phoned me the other day - she wanted to borrow a swimming costume. Since she hasn't returned the last item of clothing I lent to her and refused to do so when I asked her I ignored her request. Then she calls me and asks me to check her e-mail at work to see if she has received any responses for her CV - I'm not supposed to surf at work, but she will start crying and 'Nobody loves me' if I don't do what she wants. Last night I go to church and now I have to pick her up for choir practice tonight - I now have to leave earlier and use extra petrol. Is she freaking kidding me? LEAVE ME ALONE! FFS. She NEVER calls me unless she wants something. I'm sick of being her 'go to' person for everything, especially since I don't get ANYTHING, not even emotional support from her.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. Although, I have a pile of ironing to do since the housekeeper hasn't been able to come. We managed to clean up well last night. Vacuum, mop and get all the washing done. Just the ironing left really. SO not in the mood. It's really hot as well which doesn't help.

I hope I'm going to have a good weekend this weekend. It is, after all, Valentine's Day on Saturday.

Shame...

This is a picture of the fish Rudi caught on Sunday:


He goes fishing quite a bit, but they normally throw back what they catch. This time for some reason they decided they wanted to try and eat it. I finished work and caught up with them around 2 hours after they had caught this one. They had already rinsed it out with a hose pipe and gone to show it off to Crack Head who couldn’t join them for the fishing trip. When I saw them again the fish was in a cooler bag in some water.

Rudi picked it up out of the cooler bag and to everyone’s surprise the poor fish was still breathing. Its gills were still opening and closing. I felt so sorry for the fish I wanted to cry! I was very upset with them for bringing the fish home to eat :( it’s the same as hunting really, isn’t it? I called him a murderer and eventually he felt bad for the fish. The worst part is that after cleaning and braaing the fish they eventually gave it to the cats because it wasn’t overly tasty. The cheek!

Look. I am by no means a vegetarian. I love meat (not fish!) but I don’t like seeing the animals suffer. Just before Christmas Rudi and I went to buy a half a lamb. We watched them cut the lamb up and I was so upset by the sight of it I wanted to leave the shop. Seeing the lamb practically intact was heartbreaking! I don’t think I’ll give up eating meat, but I don’t want to see where it comes from!

Speaking of eating…

I’ve received a lot of support online about the eating plan. It seems a lot of people have the same idea. Two ladies at work have decided to join me as well. Rudi is already turning into a dieting Nazi and nearly bit my head off when I asked for some Nesquik last night. I keep trying to tell him I’m only starting on Monday, as we’re going shopping this weekend for the food we will need. He doesn’t seem to understand this concept! He also doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t just throw an egg into the lean mince to make patties. The egg counts too! Rudi is a dieting virgin, but I’ll whip him into shape in no time! He he. That and he’ll watch me like a hawk!

We’re also going to the movies on Friday to watch Saw V. It will be the last time we go to the movies and will be able to eat the BIG, BIG popcorn! (Trust me to be thinking of the food instead of the time with my hubby) I think I’ll throw in a diet Coke to ease my conscience. Before you say that popcorn isn’t fattening…the popcorn at the movies is oil popped, not air popped, so it IS fattening. *sigh* only the dry air popped stuff is OK to eat.

I am so tired now already. I’ve worked for 7 consecutive days and seriously need some time off! Roll on weekend!

Tired much?

I had a rough morning. I had a little cry or two at my desk.

I’m trying to make sense of things in my head, but the more rational I try to be, the more my heart muddles up what I’m trying to achieve. I guess I’m going to need to sit down my impatient self and give myself a good talking to. Perhaps I am to learn patience. This may be the lesson life is trying to teach me.

I’m exhausted after working the weekend and cannot WAIT to get out of here. I don’t really have any more work to do, but since I’m a clock puncher I’ll have to wait the day out. Yet another thing that requires the patience that I do not have.

I’m writing this blog entry in word in order to disguise it as work. I have no idea if it is working. I’ve stuck a little work graphic at the top of the page to fool passers by who have nothing better to do than to stick their nose into my monitor.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

P.S. This is my 200th post. I wish I had something more exciting to say.

1st Trimester Blues - RANT WARNING

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I will not do this again if someone paid me a million bucks. I will read this blog entry again if I am ever stupid enough to consider doing this again.

Being pregnant SUCKS. I've always said that I always wanted to be pregnant, but I never wanted a baby. Oh how naive! I saw happy pregnant ladies (with no stretch marks, mind you) in magazines...smiling and holding their beautiful belly. I saw parents laughing and in awe with their baby's movements. I saw glowing, happy and healthy women. What I did not see was a miserable women with dark rings under her eyes, stretchmarks on 2/3 of her body hanging over a toilet bowl crying.

I fucking hate the media. LIARS! My entire life the media has been telling me I'm not thin enough and I'm not pretty enough. I learned to deal with that. There will always be someone better than me...but why lie to me about this?! Why allow me to inflict this kind of misery on myself?!

You hear about 'morning sickness', but nobody really tells you how bad you feel. ALL THE TIME. NOW people are telling me that it was bad and a lot of people have told me that they suffered for their entire pregnancy, not just the first trimester as God surely intended. Now I am even more disheartened and see no end in sight. I can't possibly feel like this till March next year. I will slit my wrists.

Apparently this will subside or disappear completely once the placenta takes over the production of hormones. I know the placenta is there - they gynae identified it in the scan I went for, so what the hell is it doing now? Just hanging around? Work damnmit! Do what you are meant to do!

Gynaecologist

I managed to make an appointment with a gynaecologist. I initially secured an appointment for 15 August, but I'm writing exams that day so I'll have to wait till 26 August. That means I'll be 3 months pregnant by the time I get to see him.

It's really tough trying to get an appointment. The one doctor I phoned said they are fully booked for new patients until the end of the year. Seriously?

Is there some shortage of gynaecologists? Surely that wouldn't be the case? (this considering the amount of men who express the desire to be one). The first gynaecologist was a women and apparently women are booked far in advance because they are compassionate and warm. I have absolutely no experience with gynaecologists of either sex so I cannot judge.

A rather reliable source just told me the doctor I have an appointment with is a bit dodgy. Hmph. She did recommend someone else though. I'll check to see who has the earliest appointment available.

I recommend finding one before you get pregnant. This unnecessary stress can't be good.

I'm so tired I could fall asleep at my desk. I'm not going to bed late. I've been warned that I might get tired, but this is ridiculous!

Counting down the hours

I am dying for home time today. I feel so drained and tired at the moment. I went to bed really early last night, but woke up in the middle of the night feeling queasy - tossing and turning.

The clothes I'm wearing are uncomfortable and I want to take them off. I still have to go to church tonight though...maybe I'll catch a nap when I get home. The problem with naps is that I'm really grumpy when I wake up and less in the mood to do anything than I was when I went to sleep.

I've been trying my best to keep myself busy with work activities today as I've been crapped on twice since moving to the new building. My manager thinks that I am on the internet too much and am therefore being unproductive. I feel a little victimized since I'm definitely not the only one who goes on to the internet, but as Jubba says - he has this perception now. He may not notice when I'm working, but as soon as he sees me on the internet (even once) he thinks 'She's on the internet again'. Bastards.

The work I've been doing is tedious and mind numbing. I've been drawing statistics and staring at excel for most of the day. *YAWN*. No wonder I'm dying to go home.

2h23 minutes to home time and counting...

Load Shedding

I was a victim of load shedding yesterday morning. You don't really appreciate electricity until you don't have it. It is the first time I've been affected by load shedding since the 'power crisis' has ravaged our country and our economy. For those who do not live in South Africa and don't know what load shedding is...well...the company that supplies electricity to our country cannot supply the demand so they have implemented scheduled power cuts in certain areas at certain times to save power as they feel the public have not done enough to conserve during the crisis. If you need to know more, just Google 'Eskom' with any swear word.

The power went out the moment I opened my eyes. As winter is setting in it is already dark in the mornings. I found candles easily enough, but had nothing to light them with. I used the flash of my cell phone camera to navigate through the house and managed to get soap in my eye somehow. The soap decided to settle underneath my contact lens and a battle ensued.

Load shedding seems to be part of what it means to live in South Africa and something everybody needs to deal with so I'm not going to cry about it anymore.

Rudi and I had a huge fight this morning at approximately 2:00. I'm working on around 3 hours of sleep and feel like I could fall asleep sitting up. We've kissed and made up now (via SMS since we're both at work), but what he did is unacceptable and I hope he's realized I won't stand for it.

I've got a meeting to go sleep in....Zzzzzzzzzzz

Ugh

My old blog is STILL not working. It's been about 3 days now and usually it wouldn't be a train smash. Hell, sometimes I don't blog for a week, but I want to blog...and I want to link my old blog to my new blog...I want to copy an entry from my old blog onto this one, but I'm pretty much stuck.

Balls.

Other than that I'm quite bushed. I'm going home early today since I worked the weekend, but this is little comfort since I'm working Saturday again.

I've been doing something I want to talk about in my blog...I'm not sure if it's OK that I'm doing this and I will leave the floor open for comments. I've been wanting to write about it for a while, but I haven't had much time.