*sigh*

I was completely owned by our walk yesterday. I barely made it home. We took the longer route and it wasn't nearly as hot as it was the previous time we went on this route. When we got home Rudi checked the mail and found a lovely surprise in there:


My friend from Belgium sent me a 'Thank you' card to thank me for being his friend and taking the time to make his life better. He reckoned I was feeling down after everything that happened to me last year and thought he would cheer me up. How sweet! He has really been a good friend to me. We have been chatting for about 4 years now and he has sent me some things before.

Rudi and I were supposed to have sexy time again last night since the doctor said it would be a good time to try...but he put his foot in it again and we went to bed angry. Looks like he's changed his mind about not being friends with Boring People. His words were, 'Well he didn't do anything wrong to me'. I was beyond cross and disappointed. I cannot believe he is not offended by this man and his audacity. Then I had to hear about how I actually did have an attitude that day...blah blah. Still, attitude or not, he had no right to do what he did. The only reason I had an attitude in the first place is because Rudi was being his old self and thinking only of his own wants (not needs) and putting me firmly in last place. This of course does not occur to him.

So we're not speaking right now. To put the cherry on the cake my housekeeper isn't able to come in this week because the taxis are striking for the next three days. F&#%@$%!

Hello 2009

My letter to this year:

Dearest 2009

I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches - that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through 'circumstances' to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don't pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is - you might want to ask him.

Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I'll do my best.

Warm Regards

acidicice

I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven't really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.

2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.

When I was younger I often asked myself the question "How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?". I may have been of a woman's age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a 'grown up' now and will be exposed to all the crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I've been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time - but adulthood has become very real to me recently.

I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.

I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.

Staff Party 2008

Rudi and I went to The Company's staff party last night. It's always a big party and I really enjoyed a lot of the bands that played for us. They were all local, but some of the best local talent around, including Freshly Ground who just cleaned up at the MTV Europe music awards. I absolutely loved their performance and would definitely go and see them again. You could tell they were the most popular act because everybody sang along to their songs and were generally going crazy.

We were also treated to Watershed, Tasha Baxter, Nia Nel, Gang of Instrumentals (although I'm not mad about their music), Dr. Victor and Mango Groove. I used to listen to Mango Groove when I was a teen and I really enjoyed hearing all their old songs (they haven't made an album in a very long time, so we were treated to their original hits).

A lot of my friends from work were there and it was lovely seeing everyone again. Since we've moved to the new building I've lost touch with a lot of my colleagues that I enjoy spending time with. When you work in the same building there is always a chance of bumping into each other and catching up, now the only opportunity we get is the year end function.

It was lots of fun, but at the end of the evening Rudi and I realized we forgot to check the level we parked in when we came in. Looking for the car was such a mission. Luckily one of the gentleman working in the parking area helped us find it. We got in around 2am. I haven't been awake at 2am for a very long time (I know I'm old and wrinkly!). Somehow I can't believe there were times that I was out partying and I missed the sun coming up!

Photos of our evening and my friends and I can be found here.

Amniocentesis

(Got the correct spelling from the doctor's bill)

I just went in for the amniocentesis. It didn't really hurt. There was more discomfort than pain. The specialist really is a lovely doctor. We should have the results of any major defects by Friday and I will be advised further then. The doctor only charged me R200.00 today. She didn't charge me any consultation fees, although I took up enough time for an entire appointment. The only thing she charged me for was the drawing of the amniotic fluid. Bless her.

She was able to see a few things better today. She can't really see that the spine closes properly at the bottom. She said the heart looks properly formed - all four chambers. The feet are still very obviously not formed correctly and it seems that the calves are under developed. She said the cerebellum looks like it has formed properly, but the head is slightly 'lemon' shaped which indicates that there might be a problem. She mentioned spina bifida today and has included it in the tests she requires by Friday. I heard her mark the tests as urgent.

She said on the one hand you hope the tests will answer some questions, but practically all answers are bad news. On the other hand if you don't have answers...you still don't have answers. If the results of the tests rule most things out we will have to see what happens as the pregnancy develops.

I have received so much love and support. My family has been there for me, the church has been there for me and my friends have come through for me too. Leebeesa spoke to my supervisor who has spoken to our teams about my situation. She said he said very little, but it had the maximum effect. She said the reaction was concerned, but respectful. I was supposed to work this weekend, but apparently my team has made alternative arrangements to help me out. Bless them.

The ladies at Your Parenting Community (clickable badge on the right) have also poured out love, support and prayers.

I still feel like this is going to be very, very difficult...but all the love and support we are receiving has overwhelmed me and I feel like I can get through this. Whatever the outcome.

Thank you, everyone, for everything. You will never know what it means to me. I love you all.

Friends

I am a rather possessive and jealous person. I know this isn't nice. I know it's not socially acceptable. I just can't help myself. This jealousy doesn't limit itself to my partner - it's travels to my friends too.

Somewhere something in my head must be broken. I can't expect people to only be friends with ME. I must crave their approval on some level, but why feel shunned when they have other friends?

For example...Rudi and I have been spending a lot of time with a certain couple. We see each other every day. The girl of the other couple and I have grown really close and enjoyed a certain amount of exclusivity with each other. This couple has recently run into old friends that they have not seen for some time. Subsequently they have been spending an increasing amount of time with this couple. They even went as far as to invite this couple over to a braai at our house so that we could meet them.

This weekend they are going away together. We've discussed going away together with them, but we delayed it due to financial constraints, etc. Something seems a bit off with this turn of events.

Oh well, I will miss the exclusivity we enjoyed...and I am heartsore that it was so short lived.

Wedding Dilemma

I've got lots of work to do so I won't prattle too much.

Rudi and I have been invited to two weddings on the same day. It sucks so much because we really want to attend both weddings. We already accepted the first invitation we received. Everyone has, however, been waiting for the second couple to get married for about 8 years. The wedding has been eagerly anticipated and it completely sucks that we can't make both. The ceremony of the first couple begins at 15:30, the ceremony of the second couple begins at 14:00. The second couple are the same denomination as I am and I would love to attend there ceremony, even if I don't get to attend their reception. Sounds perfect? Maybe. The last two weddings I have been to the brides have been 45 minutes and an hour late respectively. I could attend the first ceremony and the second ceremony and reception if the first bride isn't late. The chances of that aren't excellent.

I will attempt to go to both weddings. I will also make sure of the location of the first couple's wedding as it is quite a distance from where we live and it might take a while to get there after the first ceremony.

Hmph. Why is the 19th of April such a popular wedding date?!