I take for granted...

Just like people who have suffered from terminal illness realize their mortality, I have realized the fragility of the things I take for granted.

I take my relationship for granted. I know I shouldn't, I really do. One minute my husband thinks I'm the sexiest girl alive, carrying his baby. Something he has always wanted. Every time I tell him I feel fat or ugly, he tells me that I'm pregnant and beautiful.

I took for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was getting used to the idea and even getting a little excited (although for some reason I was reserved about that). People are buying you so many gifts you feel blessed and you start to eye and coo over the baby things in the shops. You start seriously considering working all the expenses into your budget and marvel at the way your entire life is about to change.

Then the carpet is pulled from beneath you. Everything is not OK. Your husband thinks you should do one thing and you feel you should do another. Now your marriage is on the line and you realize you could lose this person you love so much yet take for granted almost on a daily basis.

A few tense weeks pass and finally you and your husband agree on what the right thing to do is, but then your child is gone. Then all the plans you made fall apart and all the gifts lay there and won't fulfill the purpose they were intended for as soon as you had anticipated.

Your husband is still there, but he is hurting too and dealing with it in his own way. You are eternally grateful that you did not lose him as well, but with the emotional roller coaster you are on you want to kill him sometimes and smother him at others. Your husband loves you, but he cannot fill the void that has been created. He cannot undo the past any more than you can. So you love each other the best you can and hurt together, yet separately in most ways. I suppose as long as you are not hurting each other everything will be OK.

I try my best to acknowledge him now and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. I'm not sure if he takes me seriously though, just like I might not believe him because of my own self worth issues. Sometimes when I say goodbye to him I want to kiss him again, just in case. You never know when it is the last time you will see someone. He is on the road all day and something could so easily happen to him and he could slip away from me as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this child was not going to come into this world. I never bought a single thing for the baby. I bought a packet of wet wipes, reluctantly. I wonder this, but at the same time I know I had no possible way of knowing that this would happen, especially so far into my pregnancy. I took for granted that after my first three months were over everything would be OK and the symptoms would be the most of my worries.

Cook your husband a special meal.

Go and give your kid/s a hug and a kiss.

Cook your dog a steak, or your cat a fish.

Count your blessings.

Don't take anything for granted.

I'm not going to anymore...

UPDATE: The geneticist from Tygerberg mailed me the photos of our baby today. I completely broke down at work and had to leave. I came to my grandparents house to come and see the photos. I knew I couldn't open them at work, perhaps that is why I was so devastated. I also agree that I think it was a boy. It certainly seems that way on the photo. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He was beautiful. I'm am so sad that he is gone and I really wish he wasn't.

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I've always like him...I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He's a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It's nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent...and now I'm not. I was going to be a mother...and now I'm not. My entire life was going to change...and now it hasn't. There was all this expectation and build up...and now...nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don't mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'll have two. I've also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say 'I've always wanted to be pregnant, I've just never wanted a baby', because that's exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say "I want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant", because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I've become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn't set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I'm helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!