Back at Work

I'm officially back at work today. Rudi and I hardly slept a wink last night, so I'm exhausted (Note to self: Take prescribed sleeping tablet tonight). I've been crying at least half the time I've been here. Everyone has been so sweet. I told my manager I would be OK if everyone just stopped asking me if I'm OK. I know they mean well, I really do, but I'm not OK and I'm just being reminded of it.

I cried in my manager's office. He was really supportive and said he will arrange more time off if I need it and that he wishes everything of the best for me for the future, etc. My supervisor also called me in and reiterated what my manager had said.

Offering me additional time off is great and everything, but what do I do at home? I have to carry on with my life and come back to my work some time. It might as well be now. Honestly, I would much rather sit in a corner and cry or curl up under a duvet and hibernate. I cannot lie it has been really hard and I want to run, but I've glued myself on this seat till four and I will remain here all day. Tomorrow I will come back and the day after that and the day after that.

Tonight I can collapse into my husband's arms and feel loved (if he's in the mood *wink* to make me feel loved...man...you know what I mean). It could have been worse. I must remember that too. What about that accident that happened where a mother and her pregnant daughter were killed because a truck fell off a bridge on top of their car? Imagine being that baby's father. To lose the woman you love and your baby. If I had lost Rudi through this process I would not have survived it. Whether or not he's been a model husband, he's been there. He only went fishing (at the worst possible time) that one time and afterwards we had a good talk about it and I realized he needed a little space and a little time alone to deal with the loss he felt. Sometimes I wish he would tell me how he is feeling so that I know I'm not going nuts, but I need to understand that he has his own way of dealing with this and doesn't need me pushing him right now.

Two quotes from the song 'Torch' from the latest Alanis Morissette album are so true for me now, of course for her the song is about a lover:

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on, simulating moving on

I am sure I could find a million lyrics from her songs that will help me grieve. I had almost forgotten how she allows me to go inside myself and scratch around in the dark places I dare not dwell. It's officially on my 'to do' list.

Peeved with Jubba

Jubba made me incredibly mad yesterday. I don't remember being called incompetent so many times in one day...ever. At the end of the day I guess I shouldn't take it personally since he thinks everyone but himself is a blithering idiot. I wasn't the only one that suffered under his wrath...but I don't feel like I deserve it.

Leebeesa can relate to this as he is her line manager too and she suffers under him as well. No matter how hard you work or how well you work, it's never good enough. His management style is appalling. Nobody ever asks us to give feedback on his 'performance' as such, so nobody ever hears us. I seriously felt like crying yesterday. Rudi was supportive...but he doesn't really know how this man is. How he can make you feel like a worthless speck of nothing.

I'm still peeved with him today, although he could probably care less. Whether or not I told him how I felt, he'd just do it again somewhere down the line. He may apologize and feel bad at a particular junction - but it does not change who he is. Leebeesa has described him as a 'bull in a china shop'. I really cannot think of a better way to describe what he's like. Especially when he is getting pressure from above. I would actually much rather deal with Concussed One (his line manager) who has a much better way of speaking to people.

Even after telling me (and my entire team) yesterday that a street sweeper could do our jobs, he still had the audacity to ask me to do something for him today. I felt like telling him to find someone competent to do it. GRRRR.

I know I'm hormonal right now, but I've complained about Jubba even before I was pregnant and I'm not the only one that feels this way. Jubba has been working here for around 13 years though and has been in his current position for around 8. No hopes of him getting a promotion then.

P.S. Just click on the tag 'Jubba' to see other entries regarding him

P.S.S. Sarah loved her gift. I ended up buying her a leopard print comforter. She absolutely adores anything leopard print...so she was stoked with the gift. It sucked that I couldn't be there when she opened it (she opened her gifts after the party), but I'm just glad to know she liked it.

It's 16:04

...and I hope that Concussed One and Tweedledoos know that I'm officially done working.

No big news at the moment. I miss my MSN friends. Our specialist (whom I get along well with) says that I was brought up in a meeting. This whole internet thing. I was apparently used as an example. I feel like laying a grievance. I just don't know who to lay it against. Victimization I say! I'm not the only one that accesses the internet and everyone is satisfied with my work.

Our specialist also bought me a chocolate. Bless.

My throat is feeling niggly. Like it's going to be really sore sometime soon. That would suck. Especially since I can't take any medicine.

One of my colleagues said I should announce the pregnancy on facebook. She said I might as well since everyone at work already knows. It's true enough. A lot of people do know...but you're really not supposed to say anything within the first three months. I know it's just a formality, but maybe it is better that way.

I think I'll keep it on the down low for now. Anyway...Rudi is probably almost here.

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Internetlessness

I was called in by Jubba again this week (around Tuesday). His line manager (Concussed One) as once AGAIN complained to him about me being on the Internet. Apprently my previous boss (Tweedledoos) was involved in the conversation and he said he had the same problem with me when I was working in his department. They also mentioned my use of MSN. Concussed One requested that Jubba performance manage me. In other words he wants a formal discussion recorded on paper for future reference.

Jubba likes me...if only because I do a lot of extra work for him. He stuck up for me and told Concussed One that he doesn't have a problem with my work and does not feel comfortable performance managing a top performer. Bless.

So what I have done is disconnected myself from the outside world completely. I now suffer from a condition commonly known in South Africa as internetlessness. I didn't log into MSN or any external websites from Tuesday afternoon until Friday. I've been itching to blog, to research information on pregnancy and to look for a new place to live...but I've been too scared to open up anything on my PC. I don't want something retarded like surfing the Internet to cost me my job. Especially not with a baba on the way.

I heard a rumour later on that it was Tweedledoos that reported me in the first place. I would honestly not be surprised. It's quite typical of him. He probably feels that if he brings such things to the attention of Concussed One (who is also his line manager) that he might create the illusion of 'adding value'.

I DO have Internet at home, but I use my phone as a modem and mostly only get GPRS coverage which is so slow that I want to stab my eye out with a pencil.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to cut yourself off from the Internet 24/7. Especially when it is fast, free and at your fingertips all day. The temptation looming right behind everything you're looking at.

So here's a challenge. Try it. For 48 hours. No non-work related Internet. I dare you.