Stuff I forgot to blog about

The other night I had a dream that Rudi was cheating on me. Somehow in those dreams he is always doing it right in front of me and flaunting it. I can't even remember who it was with, but I woke up and was livid with him! I saw him lying there sleeping peacefully and wanted nothing more than to beat the living crap out of him. It took me a minute or two to realize that I had just had a realistic dream and didn't need to punch him in his sleep.

Last night after returning from our evening with Beauty Queen and SLK my car was giving me problems. I was SO upset. I bought my car in 2006 and have looked after it really well. I've taken it in for every service and made sure that extra parts are properly fitted. Nobody tampers under the hood except Opel. There was no problem with the car on the way there. I decided to drive home because Rudi had had a few to drink. Every time I slowed the car down to stop (taking my foot off the accelerator) the car would cut out. Repeatedly. It was so annoying as it was raining and dark and there were still quite a few other cars on the road. I had to put on my hazards repeatedly to warn people that I was 'stuck'. On the N1 Rudi told me to open it up and rev the car to 6000, 7000 revs. He made me do this a couple of times. Eventually started shouting at him because I didn't want to put the car into neutral while I was driving and he insisted that I do so. As we were almost home it seemed to stop cutting out. I was really freaked because I thought there is something serious wrong and that I would be stuck without a car, etc, etc. This morning the car was fine.

I spoke to CP about it and he said it was most likely a bubble in the fuel line. We had filled up yesterday and it's quite possible that there was a bubble somewhere that was causing the problem.

I am so sick of this rainy weather I could cry. We have had more rain this September in our region than we've had in 52 years. That's half a century! It's depressing. It's October already (a month into Spring) and it's still raining and cold. I'm SO OVER IT! They are hoping that the weather is going to clear up now and that we've seen the last of the cold fronts for a while. I hope so too.

I'm looking forward to Sarah's party tomorrow night. I still have to go and buy her a gift after work today. I still have no idea what I am going to get for her.

Strange Dream

The strangest thing happened to me this morning. I had a dream that I was in a classroom, heavily pregnant. I was sitting eating melted chocolate out of my chocolate fondue bowl. I was paying attention to the teacher, but had no clue what he was talking about. Even though there were around 50 other students in the classroom, I could tell he didn't like me. As if he disapproved of me being there.

He then turned and asked me a question. I honestly told him I don't know the answer. He gloated at this and then berated me in front of the class saying this was a 'kindergarten' question (which is really wasn't - it was something to do with history I think). He then asked me how long I had been 'on the rot' (I took this to mean how long had I been pregnant). I woke up from my dream, I was only semi-conscious though and I couldn't help but cry.

My alarm went off shortly after this - my face was still wet from the tears. This man (whom I do not know) had SO upset me over something so stupid that I actually cried.

My hormones must be off the charts!

Little Girl Dreams

I was lying staring at the ceiling last night...I haven't gone to bed early in a while so I struggled to fall asleep and my thoughts wandered...

I thought about what I pictured my life to be like when I was a little girl. When I was 8 years old - what did I expect out of adulthood? Who did I think I would be? Did I turn out to be that way? I sure as hell didn't want to be married. Not for the conventional 'boys are gross' reasons, I just didn't want to be married. I didn't want to have a husband. I didn't want to have kids. I only recently started bouncing the idea of babies around in my head (within the last year or so). I didn't even really have a dream job then. All that mattered then were mud cakes, Barbie dolls and puppies.

I remember how we used to play 'teacher'. I used to love putting things in order. I used to love gathering papers, stapling them, putting them in plastic sleeves and filing them. You should see what a mess my filing is in now! I'm probably about 6 months behind - I suppose when you're young and you only go to school half day you have loads of time to file things, even though you have nothing to file. The irony is...well, ironic.

I didn't even have the desire to have a car or to drive...or to live on my own. Who would cook for me? Who would wash my clothes? Surely life without the parents [read: slaves] would be impossible!

As I lay in bed with my arms wrapped around Rudi feeling warm and safe I realized that I had the one thing that I wanted when I was a little girl. I have a man that loves me. I have someone that wraps his arms around me every night and makes me feel safe. Clearly I hadn't learnt the meaning of 'living in sin' or pre-marital sex. At that point sex wasn't even a factor. I just wanted to lie in someone's arms and feel safe.

I suppose if that is the standard I set for myself, even if I was young and naive, I have achieved my goal. I remember why I thought Rudi was 'the one'. When I lay in his arms I felt the same as when I lay in my grandfather's arms; a feeling of security, warmth and love. When I felt that, I knew.

Now I guess I need to treasure that. I have to realize that it is vulnerable and that I need to work at it and do my best to keep what I have. Heaven knows that relationships and marriages fail every day.

With all his faults and failings I love my husband. I will always love him and I hope he knows that.