I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.
I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.
I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?
Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.
Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, 05 May 2009
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Voting, TV, Death and Birth
So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.
Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:
After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!
You'll remember our TV used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.
Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.
Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.
My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.
All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).
Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.
Stuck.
Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:
After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!
You'll remember our TV used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.
Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.
Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.
My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.
All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).
Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.
Stuck.
Friday, 17 April 2009
My toe hurts!
Ugh! I bumped my toe yesterday! It was *really* sore! Look:
Don't bother blowing up the picture, it's really blurry up close, but you get the idea! Rudi is very unsympathetic...silly bugger. At least the ovulation pain seems to have disappeared today.
Cafe Viva fixed my media player for me free of charge! I'm so stoked. I would have been really upset if I had to replace it. Media players are so expensive and right now I just don't have the money.
*another* pregnancy announced at work. I'm really going to have to grow another few layers of skin so that this doesn't get to me! I officially have 5 pregnant people in my life right now and I'm not one of them. Fun.
Also, all the elevators in our building are broken today. Had to take the stairs. I swear it is my punishment for being too lazy to exercise this week.
I was totally sucked in by the race between CNN and Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher whipped CNN. Weird! For those that don't know Ahston Kutcher (@aplusk) and his wife, Demi Moore (@mrskutcher) both actually tweet themselves - no PR or staff involved. It's very cool of them.
Also I got a mention on Darla's Blog!
OK. Enough randomness for now. It's Friday! Yay!
Don't bother blowing up the picture, it's really blurry up close, but you get the idea! Rudi is very unsympathetic...silly bugger. At least the ovulation pain seems to have disappeared today.
Cafe Viva fixed my media player for me free of charge! I'm so stoked. I would have been really upset if I had to replace it. Media players are so expensive and right now I just don't have the money.
*another* pregnancy announced at work. I'm really going to have to grow another few layers of skin so that this doesn't get to me! I officially have 5 pregnant people in my life right now and I'm not one of them. Fun.
Also, all the elevators in our building are broken today. Had to take the stairs. I swear it is my punishment for being too lazy to exercise this week.
I was totally sucked in by the race between CNN and Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher whipped CNN. Weird! For those that don't know Ahston Kutcher (@aplusk) and his wife, Demi Moore (@mrskutcher) both actually tweet themselves - no PR or staff involved. It's very cool of them.
Also I got a mention on Darla's Blog!
OK. Enough randomness for now. It's Friday! Yay!
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
+ 400g
So...my body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!
Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.
Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.
My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:
Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33
I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.
Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....
Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...
P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.
Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.
Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.
My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:
Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33
I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.
Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....
Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...
P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
+ 200g
Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.
*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.
I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.
To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.
*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.
I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.
To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.
Friday, 13 March 2009
Bitter
Another colleague came to tell me she is pregnant today. She said she didn't know how to tell me. While she's probably ecstatic (she's been trying for some time) she feels guilty that she got pregnant before me.
Have I become so bitter and unapproachable? I don't want to be that person.
I can't help it! FFS. I hate feeling this way. I feel like crying. I feel like crying because I feel like a bad person. AND because I'm not pregnant.
Have I become so bitter and unapproachable? I don't want to be that person.
I can't help it! FFS. I hate feeling this way. I feel like crying. I feel like crying because I feel like a bad person. AND because I'm not pregnant.
Friday, 06 March 2009
Transitional
I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.
Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.
I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.
Speaking of loving Rudi...
...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.
The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.
I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.
Speaking of loving Rudi...
...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.
The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Friday, 16 January 2009
She's baaaack
So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.
It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.
Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.
I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.
If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.
Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.
I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.
It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.
I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.
It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.
Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.
I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.
If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.
Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.
I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.
It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.
I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.
Friday, 21 November 2008
I take for granted...
Just like people who have suffered from terminal illness realize their mortality, I have realized the fragility of the things I take for granted.
I take my relationship for granted. I know I shouldn't, I really do. One minute my husband thinks I'm the sexiest girl alive, carrying his baby. Something he has always wanted. Every time I tell him I feel fat or ugly, he tells me that I'm pregnant and beautiful.
I took for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was getting used to the idea and even getting a little excited (although for some reason I was reserved about that). People are buying you so many gifts you feel blessed and you start to eye and coo over the baby things in the shops. You start seriously considering working all the expenses into your budget and marvel at the way your entire life is about to change.
Then the carpet is pulled from beneath you. Everything is not OK. Your husband thinks you should do one thing and you feel you should do another. Now your marriage is on the line and you realize you could lose this person you love so much yet take for granted almost on a daily basis.
A few tense weeks pass and finally you and your husband agree on what the right thing to do is, but then your child is gone. Then all the plans you made fall apart and all the gifts lay there and won't fulfill the purpose they were intended for as soon as you had anticipated.
Your husband is still there, but he is hurting too and dealing with it in his own way. You are eternally grateful that you did not lose him as well, but with the emotional roller coaster you are on you want to kill him sometimes and smother him at others. Your husband loves you, but he cannot fill the void that has been created. He cannot undo the past any more than you can. So you love each other the best you can and hurt together, yet separately in most ways. I suppose as long as you are not hurting each other everything will be OK.
I try my best to acknowledge him now and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. I'm not sure if he takes me seriously though, just like I might not believe him because of my own self worth issues. Sometimes when I say goodbye to him I want to kiss him again, just in case. You never know when it is the last time you will see someone. He is on the road all day and something could so easily happen to him and he could slip away from me as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this child was not going to come into this world. I never bought a single thing for the baby. I bought a packet of wet wipes, reluctantly. I wonder this, but at the same time I know I had no possible way of knowing that this would happen, especially so far into my pregnancy. I took for granted that after my first three months were over everything would be OK and the symptoms would be the most of my worries.
Cook your husband a special meal.
Go and give your kid/s a hug and a kiss.
Cook your dog a steak, or your cat a fish.
Count your blessings.
Don't take anything for granted.
I'm not going to anymore...
UPDATE: The geneticist from Tygerberg mailed me the photos of our baby today. I completely broke down at work and had to leave. I came to my grandparents house to come and see the photos. I knew I couldn't open them at work, perhaps that is why I was so devastated. I also agree that I think it was a boy. It certainly seems that way on the photo. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He was beautiful. I'm am so sad that he is gone and I really wish he wasn't.
I take my relationship for granted. I know I shouldn't, I really do. One minute my husband thinks I'm the sexiest girl alive, carrying his baby. Something he has always wanted. Every time I tell him I feel fat or ugly, he tells me that I'm pregnant and beautiful.
I took for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was getting used to the idea and even getting a little excited (although for some reason I was reserved about that). People are buying you so many gifts you feel blessed and you start to eye and coo over the baby things in the shops. You start seriously considering working all the expenses into your budget and marvel at the way your entire life is about to change.
Then the carpet is pulled from beneath you. Everything is not OK. Your husband thinks you should do one thing and you feel you should do another. Now your marriage is on the line and you realize you could lose this person you love so much yet take for granted almost on a daily basis.
A few tense weeks pass and finally you and your husband agree on what the right thing to do is, but then your child is gone. Then all the plans you made fall apart and all the gifts lay there and won't fulfill the purpose they were intended for as soon as you had anticipated.
Your husband is still there, but he is hurting too and dealing with it in his own way. You are eternally grateful that you did not lose him as well, but with the emotional roller coaster you are on you want to kill him sometimes and smother him at others. Your husband loves you, but he cannot fill the void that has been created. He cannot undo the past any more than you can. So you love each other the best you can and hurt together, yet separately in most ways. I suppose as long as you are not hurting each other everything will be OK.
I try my best to acknowledge him now and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. I'm not sure if he takes me seriously though, just like I might not believe him because of my own self worth issues. Sometimes when I say goodbye to him I want to kiss him again, just in case. You never know when it is the last time you will see someone. He is on the road all day and something could so easily happen to him and he could slip away from me as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this child was not going to come into this world. I never bought a single thing for the baby. I bought a packet of wet wipes, reluctantly. I wonder this, but at the same time I know I had no possible way of knowing that this would happen, especially so far into my pregnancy. I took for granted that after my first three months were over everything would be OK and the symptoms would be the most of my worries.
Cook your husband a special meal.
Go and give your kid/s a hug and a kiss.
Cook your dog a steak, or your cat a fish.
Count your blessings.
Don't take anything for granted.
I'm not going to anymore...
UPDATE: The geneticist from Tygerberg mailed me the photos of our baby today. I completely broke down at work and had to leave. I came to my grandparents house to come and see the photos. I knew I couldn't open them at work, perhaps that is why I was so devastated. I also agree that I think it was a boy. It certainly seems that way on the photo. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He was beautiful. I'm am so sad that he is gone and I really wish he wasn't.
Thursday, 06 November 2008
James/Sebastian
Some readers may find descriptions graphic.
On Monday we went to Tygerberg hospital to go for the scan and to make our final decision. It was as we feared and they found another problem on top of all the other things that were suspected. The results of the scan were as follows:
The baby's head was lemon shaped and a cause for concern.
The spine could not properly be assessed as the baby was lying inside my pelvis.
The baby had bilateral club feet.
The bladder was not properly formed.
There was urine leaking into the bowel.
The bowel showed signs of obstruction and was causing swelling of the abdomen.
The baby was unable to move the wrists or hands.
We didn't have any indication that there was a problem with the hands at all until Monday. Finding another problem over and above those things that were suspected confirmed for us that letting the baby go was the right thing to do. They could not tell us whether or not the problems with the bladder/bowel could be fixed until after the baby was born. The club feet were operable, but no guarantees about the child's capabilities or quality of life. There is no cure for the problems with the wrists and hands. The geneticist at Tygerberg said she has never in her 30 year career seen a combination of these symptoms and it is a unique case. We knew then that it was time to let the baby go and scheduled an appointment with my gynae to discuss termination. He made an appointment for us the very same afternoon.
We went to see my gynae and advised him that we decided to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't have to say so, but you could tell that he agreed with our decision. He immediately prescribed medication to start inducing labour (Cytotec).
I was admitted into hospital Tuesday at 17:00 with cramps. The pain was minimal (similar to period pains, just right through to the back) and I could cope. A gel was inserted to soften my cervix and to prepare for the next day. I managed to sleep well with the assistance of a sleeping tablets and no painkillers.
The next morning the doctor came to see me and injected another gel straight into my uterus. Within a few minutes the nurse decided to call Rudi back to the hospital as I started having contractions and she thought I needed his support. The doctor said he will be back around 10:00 to monitor my progress and insert more gel into my uterus. I was given an injection for pain which made me very drowsy. Around 10:00 the doctor had not come yet and the pain killer had started to wear off. At around 10:30 the nurse decided to give me another pain killer despite the fact that the doctor had not yet come around. The doctor did come around 11:00 and saw how much pain I was in. I was screaming like someone who was having their fingernails pulled off. He decided that I could have an epidural as the process was iniated successfully, after which he would insert more gel into my uterus. The contractions were about two minutes apart and excruciating. In between contractions I was dozing off due to the painkiller. It was such an odd feeling - excruciating pain one minute, falling asleep the next, only to be rudely awakened by another contraction.
He attempted to give me the epidural in two different places, but from what I could tell he could not find 'resistance' against the needle (He said this to the nurse). To my surprise the epidural did not hurt, it just felt very strange to have something wriggling around in my spine. They asked me to lie down and after about 10 minutes the contractions had gotten worse and it became evident that the epidural had not worked. My doctor immediately arranged for me to be rushed to theater for an evacuation and scrape. By this time the contractions were so bad I was screaming for them to make it stop and to please help me. I'm surprised I didn't swear. I thought I'd be inventing new swear words with the level of pain I was experiencing. Poor Rudi looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn't know what to do. I felt bad that he felt so helpless and tried my best between contractions (if I was not dozing off) to assure him there was nothing he could do but be with me.
I think I might have been scaring the other patients with my screaming as the nurse kept on saying "OK Mrs. {insert surname here} every time I started having a contraction and screaming my head off. I remember the theater nurse telling me it was around 13:10. The anaesthetist asked me a few quick questions and told me to expect a burning feeling in my arm, which I did not feel.
Then they woke me up and it was all over. It was almost 14:00.
My Evil Mother and grandmother had been called and went to see the baby as Rudi and I decided not to, but we wanted someone to go and look. (I will discuss in another post what My Evil Mother did that makes me want to wring her neck) I asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I decided later that I wanted to see the baby. The biggest shock for us was that we had a little boy, not a little girl as we were told, hence me not referring to the baby's sex earlier in the post. We were kind of stuck for a boy's name so we are not sure whether it will be Sebastian or James.
Last night I felt good physically and didn't require any painkillers. This morning I feel a bit like I've been through the wars. It hurts everywhere they stuck a needle in me and my girlie bits are sore too. Luckily the bleeding has subsided.
Emotionally I think I am still in shock. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I cried a little after I came out of theater, but I think it will sink in later (probably when I least expect it).
The geneticist at Tygerberg wanted to look at the foetus, out of professional curiosity I guess. She told us they will not be able to tell us the likelihood of future birth defects without performing a post mortem on the baby. We enquired about it today and the post mortem will set us back approximately another R3000.00 (it could be more). After much deliberation we decided not to have a post mortem done. It will not change what happened and will most likely not prevent anything specific in the future. The initial report (from Tygerberg on Monday) said that the likelihood of re-occurrence or future birth defects may be as high as 25%, but they did not comment on the cause. 25% is pretty high considering there was only a 2% chance that something would have been wrong with this baby. The fact that the geneticist said it was a unique case gives us some hope that it might just have been bad luck.
So when we do try again we will be taking a risk and we will need to pray that we have a healthy baby.
I'm booked off till next Friday and will try to update my blog as often as I can.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Medical Aid Rip-Off
So here we are. Halfway through the week already. I didn't cry yesterday for the first time since we found out about the problems with our baby. I did still have to bite back some tears, but I didn't burst into them. Going to sit at the hospital on Monday is going to be tedious and frustrating, yet I can't wait. I think we'll pack something to eat and I'll try to take a book along. We'll go as early as possible to try and secure a seat somewhere near the front of the line. I also still have to open a folder at the hospital since I've never been there before.
Once all of this is over I want to change my medical aid. Discovery is a total rip off. We pay around R1700.00 a month. Since about two months ago Rudi and I have been paying our doctors bills out of our own pocket as our medical savings are depleted. We get about R4000.00 medical savings a year from which we need to claim any doctors appointments, medicine, dental appointments and optometrist appointments. Basically they don't cover any of these things, everything has to come from your medical savings. Even the amniocentesis (which is around R3000.00) needs to come out of your medical savings. Had the amniocentesis happened at the beginning of the year we would have needed to cover basically all our medical costs out of our own pocket for the rest of the year. I need to go to the optometrist at least once a year for an eye test and have to buy contact lenses. That already takes a big chunk out of my medical savings. You're supposed to see the dentist once every six months. Rudi and I went to the dentist once this year, both of us had our teeth cleaned and about 1 filling. That cost R2000.00. After that we were pretty much screwed. I got a throat infection when I was about 3 months pregnant - R500 for the doctor and the medicine I required. Neither Rudi or I are sickly people and we don't require to go to the doctor often, but after all the required treatment (optometrist and dentist) we can't afford to get sick. So what am I paying R1700.00 a month for? In case I end up in hospital basically.
The Company have just approved a new medical aid. Bonnita's medical fund. There are a few staff members who are already part of this scheme and I think I will definitely look into changing as soon as we have definite answers about the baby.
Once all of this is over I want to change my medical aid. Discovery is a total rip off. We pay around R1700.00 a month. Since about two months ago Rudi and I have been paying our doctors bills out of our own pocket as our medical savings are depleted. We get about R4000.00 medical savings a year from which we need to claim any doctors appointments, medicine, dental appointments and optometrist appointments. Basically they don't cover any of these things, everything has to come from your medical savings. Even the amniocentesis (which is around R3000.00) needs to come out of your medical savings. Had the amniocentesis happened at the beginning of the year we would have needed to cover basically all our medical costs out of our own pocket for the rest of the year. I need to go to the optometrist at least once a year for an eye test and have to buy contact lenses. That already takes a big chunk out of my medical savings. You're supposed to see the dentist once every six months. Rudi and I went to the dentist once this year, both of us had our teeth cleaned and about 1 filling. That cost R2000.00. After that we were pretty much screwed. I got a throat infection when I was about 3 months pregnant - R500 for the doctor and the medicine I required. Neither Rudi or I are sickly people and we don't require to go to the doctor often, but after all the required treatment (optometrist and dentist) we can't afford to get sick. So what am I paying R1700.00 a month for? In case I end up in hospital basically.
The Company have just approved a new medical aid. Bonnita's medical fund. There are a few staff members who are already part of this scheme and I think I will definitely look into changing as soon as we have definite answers about the baby.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
And another Monday
I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.
Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.
Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).
This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.
I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.
Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.
Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).
This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.
I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Test Results
The doctor called with the test results for the 'short' amnio. The test results have come back normal. This still leaves so many unanswered questions. To quote the specialist 'there are too many loose ends'. The 'long' amnio tests take 3 and a half weeks by which time it would be too late to decide whether we are going to terminate.
I've had a lot of time to mince this over in my head and I really feel it would be unfair towards Lorelei to bring her into this world with so much of a disadvantage. Neither Rudi or I could quit our jobs to look after her and I will most certainly not put her in a home. Besides the club feet there is still the question of her spine, her head and her bowel that are abnormal on the scan.
If we could be guaranteed that only her feet are a problem there would not have been a choice to make.
Rudi still remains positive and hopeful. I feel that we should let Lorelei go. It breaks my heart and my soul is bleeding for my daughter. The gynae will only see us on Monday. I wake up every morning crying and feeling hopeless. I really just want this all to be over.
I've had a lot of time to mince this over in my head and I really feel it would be unfair towards Lorelei to bring her into this world with so much of a disadvantage. Neither Rudi or I could quit our jobs to look after her and I will most certainly not put her in a home. Besides the club feet there is still the question of her spine, her head and her bowel that are abnormal on the scan.
If we could be guaranteed that only her feet are a problem there would not have been a choice to make.
Rudi still remains positive and hopeful. I feel that we should let Lorelei go. It breaks my heart and my soul is bleeding for my daughter. The gynae will only see us on Monday. I wake up every morning crying and feeling hopeless. I really just want this all to be over.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Amniocentesis
(Got the correct spelling from the doctor's bill)
I just went in for the amniocentesis. It didn't really hurt. There was more discomfort than pain. The specialist really is a lovely doctor. We should have the results of any major defects by Friday and I will be advised further then. The doctor only charged me R200.00 today. She didn't charge me any consultation fees, although I took up enough time for an entire appointment. The only thing she charged me for was the drawing of the amniotic fluid. Bless her.
She was able to see a few things better today. She can't really see that the spine closes properly at the bottom. She said the heart looks properly formed - all four chambers. The feet are still very obviously not formed correctly and it seems that the calves are under developed. She said the cerebellum looks like it has formed properly, but the head is slightly 'lemon' shaped which indicates that there might be a problem. She mentioned spina bifida today and has included it in the tests she requires by Friday. I heard her mark the tests as urgent.
She said on the one hand you hope the tests will answer some questions, but practically all answers are bad news. On the other hand if you don't have answers...you still don't have answers. If the results of the tests rule most things out we will have to see what happens as the pregnancy develops.
I have received so much love and support. My family has been there for me, the church has been there for me and my friends have come through for me too. Leebeesa spoke to my supervisor who has spoken to our teams about my situation. She said he said very little, but it had the maximum effect. She said the reaction was concerned, but respectful. I was supposed to work this weekend, but apparently my team has made alternative arrangements to help me out. Bless them.
The ladies at Your Parenting Community (clickable badge on the right) have also poured out love, support and prayers.
I still feel like this is going to be very, very difficult...but all the love and support we are receiving has overwhelmed me and I feel like I can get through this. Whatever the outcome.
Thank you, everyone, for everything. You will never know what it means to me. I love you all.
I just went in for the amniocentesis. It didn't really hurt. There was more discomfort than pain. The specialist really is a lovely doctor. We should have the results of any major defects by Friday and I will be advised further then. The doctor only charged me R200.00 today. She didn't charge me any consultation fees, although I took up enough time for an entire appointment. The only thing she charged me for was the drawing of the amniotic fluid. Bless her.
She was able to see a few things better today. She can't really see that the spine closes properly at the bottom. She said the heart looks properly formed - all four chambers. The feet are still very obviously not formed correctly and it seems that the calves are under developed. She said the cerebellum looks like it has formed properly, but the head is slightly 'lemon' shaped which indicates that there might be a problem. She mentioned spina bifida today and has included it in the tests she requires by Friday. I heard her mark the tests as urgent.
She said on the one hand you hope the tests will answer some questions, but practically all answers are bad news. On the other hand if you don't have answers...you still don't have answers. If the results of the tests rule most things out we will have to see what happens as the pregnancy develops.
I have received so much love and support. My family has been there for me, the church has been there for me and my friends have come through for me too. Leebeesa spoke to my supervisor who has spoken to our teams about my situation. She said he said very little, but it had the maximum effect. She said the reaction was concerned, but respectful. I was supposed to work this weekend, but apparently my team has made alternative arrangements to help me out. Bless them.
The ladies at Your Parenting Community (clickable badge on the right) have also poured out love, support and prayers.
I still feel like this is going to be very, very difficult...but all the love and support we are receiving has overwhelmed me and I feel like I can get through this. Whatever the outcome.
Thank you, everyone, for everything. You will never know what it means to me. I love you all.
Our baby is not OK
We were literally counting the days to yesterday's gynae appointment. We were so excited to find out the sex of our baby and couldn't wait to hear the news. We didn't realize the devastation we would experience.
The gynae was scanning and seemed to be struggling to see whether it was a boy or a girl. He was sighing and seemed uneasy. I thought he was just a little annoyed because he was struggling to see. I didn't know that he was probably mentally preparing himself to deliver the bad news. In our first appointment we discussed going for the assessment scan to check for birth defects and down syndrome, etc. He classified us in the 'low risk' category because we didn't have a family history of birth defects and because I'm under 35. While he was scanning me he asked me if I had thought about it and I said that I'd decided to go for the 22 week scan to check that everything is OK. It was then that he broke the news. He said the baby's feet didn't look right and that he wanted to send us to the specialist immediately to check as he didn't want to leave it too long. The specialist is just across the road and agreed to squeeze us in between appointments. The gynae had already mentioned it looks like the baby has a club foot. Of course I freaked out.
In the waiting room at the specialist I cried and cried...we waited for quite a while. Once we went in, she confirmed that both feet are severely deformed. She also told us that we're expecting a little girl (the gynae was unable to see). She scanned for a long time...noting other things that concerned her. Club foot can be isolated, but is usually an indication that there is something else wrong, usually a chromosomal abnormality. She mentioned Trisome 18 which is a very serious condition that babies do not live through. Most that have that condition die in utero. She also noted that the abdomen looked enlarged and that she could see bowel loops that she is not accustomed to seeing so early on. She was also uncertain of the spine as there seemed to be a hole, which may also have been a shadow cast by another bone (club foot can also be related to a hole in the spine). She recommended that we go for an amnio (where they extract amniotic fluid from the gestational sac) so that we can make an informed decision about whether or not to have the baby. We heard her heartbeat.
The amnio costs around R3000.00 and is inconclusive. The thorough test takes about 3 and a half weeks by which time it may be too late to terminate if something serious is found wrong. The shortcut takes 3 - 4 days, but will only show very serious chromosomal abnormalities.
I am devastated. I am so broken inside and I am not coping. I can't find anyone to blame and I don't know who to direct my anger towards. The specialist assured me that there was nothing that either Rudi or I did that could have caused this. This was simply the luck of the draw. She went as far as to say that even smoking TIK (meth) would not have caused this kind of thing to happen. I don't understand why this is happening to us. If this baby was not meant to be, why put the decision on our conscience? I am so scared and so conflicted. I can't even think of words to describe how I feel.
We already know for certain that the baby will need more than one surgery to correct her feet. Our little girl is going to need surgery and special care. We were already worried about who is going to look after her once I have to go back to work...now she will need special care that we probably can't afford.
I have been considering termination - as much as I will be persecuted for that. I love my baby and I don't want her to die. Just the thought of what will happen if we decide to terminate makes me hysterical. The thought of the process. The thought of my living, breathing child being removed from me and dying an undignified death. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to curl up and forget all about this. I want it to go away. I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. I want to press the reset button and start over. There is no easy way out.
We have around 3 weeks to decide what is going to happen. I can't do this. Either way...whether we decide to have the baby or not there is a long and difficult road ahead of us. I am scared shitless. I can't stop crying. I've had to take out my contact lenses and wear my glasses (which I haven't touched in years) because I'm always crying. I used to be happy when she moved. Now I don't know how to feel.
Rudi has been very supportive. He stayed with me off work yesterday. He had to go back to work today though. His boss is an ass. I need him so much right now. Having him with me comforts me a great deal. He said he will support whatever decision I make, but I can tell he wants to fight for her. This morning he was in thought and I asked him what he was thinking. He was thinking of the flags that they hang outside the hospital to indicate how many girls and boys had been born that day. Yesterday there were only pink flags. Only girls. I can only hope and pray that this doesn't interfere in our marriage, that our relationship is strong enough to survive this. I'm sure it is, but if something like this can happen to us...anything can happen. I cannot lose him as well. I will die. I do not want him to resent me in the future if we do not have this baby. Oh God...WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?
I didn't go in to work today. I couldn't face people. I can't face the questions. I cannot even face the situation myself. I've been wondering if I should send out an e-mail to explain what is going on so that I wouldn't have to answer the questions. I have already received SMS messages asking if I'm OK. Everybody knew I was going to the gynae yesterday and everybody must have assumed by now that something is very wrong.
As is custom in our church I consulted our religious leaders about the situation. My house priest called upon our district elder to come and see us last night. The advice of the district elder was to have the amnio done and let the doctors guide us. He said we will have to decide what is best for the child. The doctors will be able to tell us about the quality of life the child might have pending the outcome of the tests.
I'll have to phone and make another appointment to have the amnio done.
My little trip to the doctor already cost me R900.00 yesterday. If I can't even afford the investigation...how am I going to afford the outcome?
How do you say goodbye to someone that you love with all your heart and have never met?
How am I going to make it through this?
The gynae was scanning and seemed to be struggling to see whether it was a boy or a girl. He was sighing and seemed uneasy. I thought he was just a little annoyed because he was struggling to see. I didn't know that he was probably mentally preparing himself to deliver the bad news. In our first appointment we discussed going for the assessment scan to check for birth defects and down syndrome, etc. He classified us in the 'low risk' category because we didn't have a family history of birth defects and because I'm under 35. While he was scanning me he asked me if I had thought about it and I said that I'd decided to go for the 22 week scan to check that everything is OK. It was then that he broke the news. He said the baby's feet didn't look right and that he wanted to send us to the specialist immediately to check as he didn't want to leave it too long. The specialist is just across the road and agreed to squeeze us in between appointments. The gynae had already mentioned it looks like the baby has a club foot. Of course I freaked out.
In the waiting room at the specialist I cried and cried...we waited for quite a while. Once we went in, she confirmed that both feet are severely deformed. She also told us that we're expecting a little girl (the gynae was unable to see). She scanned for a long time...noting other things that concerned her. Club foot can be isolated, but is usually an indication that there is something else wrong, usually a chromosomal abnormality. She mentioned Trisome 18 which is a very serious condition that babies do not live through. Most that have that condition die in utero. She also noted that the abdomen looked enlarged and that she could see bowel loops that she is not accustomed to seeing so early on. She was also uncertain of the spine as there seemed to be a hole, which may also have been a shadow cast by another bone (club foot can also be related to a hole in the spine). She recommended that we go for an amnio (where they extract amniotic fluid from the gestational sac) so that we can make an informed decision about whether or not to have the baby. We heard her heartbeat.
The amnio costs around R3000.00 and is inconclusive. The thorough test takes about 3 and a half weeks by which time it may be too late to terminate if something serious is found wrong. The shortcut takes 3 - 4 days, but will only show very serious chromosomal abnormalities.
I am devastated. I am so broken inside and I am not coping. I can't find anyone to blame and I don't know who to direct my anger towards. The specialist assured me that there was nothing that either Rudi or I did that could have caused this. This was simply the luck of the draw. She went as far as to say that even smoking TIK (meth) would not have caused this kind of thing to happen. I don't understand why this is happening to us. If this baby was not meant to be, why put the decision on our conscience? I am so scared and so conflicted. I can't even think of words to describe how I feel.
We already know for certain that the baby will need more than one surgery to correct her feet. Our little girl is going to need surgery and special care. We were already worried about who is going to look after her once I have to go back to work...now she will need special care that we probably can't afford.
I have been considering termination - as much as I will be persecuted for that. I love my baby and I don't want her to die. Just the thought of what will happen if we decide to terminate makes me hysterical. The thought of the process. The thought of my living, breathing child being removed from me and dying an undignified death. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to curl up and forget all about this. I want it to go away. I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. I want to press the reset button and start over. There is no easy way out.
We have around 3 weeks to decide what is going to happen. I can't do this. Either way...whether we decide to have the baby or not there is a long and difficult road ahead of us. I am scared shitless. I can't stop crying. I've had to take out my contact lenses and wear my glasses (which I haven't touched in years) because I'm always crying. I used to be happy when she moved. Now I don't know how to feel.
Rudi has been very supportive. He stayed with me off work yesterday. He had to go back to work today though. His boss is an ass. I need him so much right now. Having him with me comforts me a great deal. He said he will support whatever decision I make, but I can tell he wants to fight for her. This morning he was in thought and I asked him what he was thinking. He was thinking of the flags that they hang outside the hospital to indicate how many girls and boys had been born that day. Yesterday there were only pink flags. Only girls. I can only hope and pray that this doesn't interfere in our marriage, that our relationship is strong enough to survive this. I'm sure it is, but if something like this can happen to us...anything can happen. I cannot lose him as well. I will die. I do not want him to resent me in the future if we do not have this baby. Oh God...WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?
I didn't go in to work today. I couldn't face people. I can't face the questions. I cannot even face the situation myself. I've been wondering if I should send out an e-mail to explain what is going on so that I wouldn't have to answer the questions. I have already received SMS messages asking if I'm OK. Everybody knew I was going to the gynae yesterday and everybody must have assumed by now that something is very wrong.
As is custom in our church I consulted our religious leaders about the situation. My house priest called upon our district elder to come and see us last night. The advice of the district elder was to have the amnio done and let the doctors guide us. He said we will have to decide what is best for the child. The doctors will be able to tell us about the quality of life the child might have pending the outcome of the tests.
I'll have to phone and make another appointment to have the amnio done.
My little trip to the doctor already cost me R900.00 yesterday. If I can't even afford the investigation...how am I going to afford the outcome?
How do you say goodbye to someone that you love with all your heart and have never met?
How am I going to make it through this?
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Mother?
Blogger is still not allowing me to add photos :( I've uploaded the photo of the TV stand on Flickr, so if you'd like to see it you can by following this link:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/2944059256_a579bae255.jpg?v=0
I had an interesting revelation last night. I have a human being inside of me. I was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone I know was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone in the WORLD was once what this little baby is.
I have a PERSON growing inside of me. It's so...ALIENS. It's...mind boggling really. While I was thinking about all of this I realized that I'm going to be someone's MOTHER. I know that this kind of realization hits every pregnant women at some point...it's so...so...overwhelming! How am I possibly qualified to raise someone to be a decent human being? I don't suppose anyone is qualified per se...or that people know how to do this any better than I do in the beginning, but it's quite daunting.
I'm going to have to be responsible. I'm going to have someone else completely dependant on me 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I'm not going to be able to go out and let my hair down completely without worrying about the little one back home. I can't put off/call off this change. I can't postpone it. It's happening in a little over four months whether or not I like it. Hectic.
I'm a little worried about Rudi. He has had a cough for the last week or so and this morning he said there was blood in his phlegm. His nose is also really sore and raw on the inside. He's been self medicating since the medical aid is depleted, but I'm afraid he might have to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better and I KNOW the doctor is going to send him for chest x-rays, etc.
I suppose you can't put a price on your health hey.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/2944059256_a579bae255.jpg?v=0
I had an interesting revelation last night. I have a human being inside of me. I was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone I know was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone in the WORLD was once what this little baby is.
I have a PERSON growing inside of me. It's so...ALIENS. It's...mind boggling really. While I was thinking about all of this I realized that I'm going to be someone's MOTHER. I know that this kind of realization hits every pregnant women at some point...it's so...so...overwhelming! How am I possibly qualified to raise someone to be a decent human being? I don't suppose anyone is qualified per se...or that people know how to do this any better than I do in the beginning, but it's quite daunting.
I'm going to have to be responsible. I'm going to have someone else completely dependant on me 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I'm not going to be able to go out and let my hair down completely without worrying about the little one back home. I can't put off/call off this change. I can't postpone it. It's happening in a little over four months whether or not I like it. Hectic.
I'm a little worried about Rudi. He has had a cough for the last week or so and this morning he said there was blood in his phlegm. His nose is also really sore and raw on the inside. He's been self medicating since the medical aid is depleted, but I'm afraid he might have to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better and I KNOW the doctor is going to send him for chest x-rays, etc.
I suppose you can't put a price on your health hey.
Thursday, 02 October 2008
Air
I got a lovely surprise at work yesterday. Our friends that recently left for Amsterdam for an indefinite period of time returned to South Africa for good yesterday! They kept their return on the down low and surprised some of their friends (including us). We went out with them for drinks and a light dinner last night. Although we got home very late we had a really nice time. It was awesome seeing them again. Beauty Queen even bought baby's first dummy :)
Now back to the subject line. I feel like I've got enough air to fill a hot air balloon trapped inside me! I can hear it and feel it moving around. It's most uncomfortable and embarassing. It's also causing discomfort and pain. I'm pretty sure that this is just another pregnancy joy...I don't feel like I'm constipated or anything...it's just this...AIR.
I'll have some all bran for breakfast, just in case.
Now back to the subject line. I feel like I've got enough air to fill a hot air balloon trapped inside me! I can hear it and feel it moving around. It's most uncomfortable and embarassing. It's also causing discomfort and pain. I'm pretty sure that this is just another pregnancy joy...I don't feel like I'm constipated or anything...it's just this...AIR.
I'll have some all bran for breakfast, just in case.
Wednesday, 01 October 2008
Baked
Unfortunately I don't mean that I'm stoned*, I mean I actually baked. There were some old bananas in the fridge so the idea to bake a banana loaf crept into my mind yesterday. I was off, so I managed to dig out my baking utensils and blow off all the dust and cobwebs that had gathered. Surprisingly enough I had all the required ingredients, I just didn't have the baking tins. Rudi made a turn by his mother after work and she gave me her two new baking tins (small loaf tins).
The smell eminating from our place last night was absolutely divine! Rudi went out to buy electricity at some points and when he came back he said he was able to smell it from downstairs. I baked two small loaves. They are delicious! I might even be inspired to bake some more! Rudi has been nagging for us to bake some kind of bread for a couple of weeks now already. Now he wants onion and feta bread. Perhaps I've started something I might regret :)
Other than that the pregnancy is moving along rather inconspicuously. My skin is awfully dry and I tend to itch. I've been putting on some cocoa butter oil after showering that seems to have helped for some parts of me. I have bio oil, but I hate slathering it on. *shudder* I'm not particularly phased by stretch marks since I already have them, but the itching is driving me nuts.
A colleague said to me today that someone told him to tell me that I don't need to dress in baggy clothes since my stomach isn't showing yet. Of course he wouldn't say who told him this. Weird thing is that I am still wearing my old clothes. I'm not wearing 'new' clothes or 'maternity' clothes. I know you can't see my stomach yet (just the old one that was there before) and I'm not consciously dressing to hide it. Not more than I was before anyway. People can be silly.
Another colleague has announced their pregnancy. It really seems like there's something in the air. There are at least 3 people at work and 3 people outside of work that I know of that are currently expecting.
I'm super excited about my next gynae appointment. We should be finding out the sex of the baby then. 19 days to go!
*Oh shut up. I know I can't get stoned.
The smell eminating from our place last night was absolutely divine! Rudi went out to buy electricity at some points and when he came back he said he was able to smell it from downstairs. I baked two small loaves. They are delicious! I might even be inspired to bake some more! Rudi has been nagging for us to bake some kind of bread for a couple of weeks now already. Now he wants onion and feta bread. Perhaps I've started something I might regret :)
Other than that the pregnancy is moving along rather inconspicuously. My skin is awfully dry and I tend to itch. I've been putting on some cocoa butter oil after showering that seems to have helped for some parts of me. I have bio oil, but I hate slathering it on. *shudder* I'm not particularly phased by stretch marks since I already have them, but the itching is driving me nuts.
A colleague said to me today that someone told him to tell me that I don't need to dress in baggy clothes since my stomach isn't showing yet. Of course he wouldn't say who told him this. Weird thing is that I am still wearing my old clothes. I'm not wearing 'new' clothes or 'maternity' clothes. I know you can't see my stomach yet (just the old one that was there before) and I'm not consciously dressing to hide it. Not more than I was before anyway. People can be silly.
Another colleague has announced their pregnancy. It really seems like there's something in the air. There are at least 3 people at work and 3 people outside of work that I know of that are currently expecting.
I'm super excited about my next gynae appointment. We should be finding out the sex of the baby then. 19 days to go!
*Oh shut up. I know I can't get stoned.
Monday, 29 September 2008
This and That
The baby movements seem to have died down a bit now. I still feel it every now and then, but it's not nearly as it's 'supposed' to be yet. I think it's still a bit early for kicking. It just feels like the baby is stretching. I'm feeling a lot better than I initially was. I still feel nauseous sometimes, but not all the time. I am also eating better which is a relief. I still don't enjoy food like I used to...but that may really not be a bad thing. I still constantly have a horrid taste in my mouth and I've been chowing Mint Imperials to alleviate that.
It's Sarah's 21st on Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing how all the arrangements turn out, but have no idea what to buy for her! It's the first time she's celebrating a birthday since we've been friends and it's a big one. She's given me ideas of things she wants/needs so I have quite a broad scope. I really hope she likes whatever I choose.
I had a chest of drawers which was seriously falling apart. Somehow the drawers wouldn't fit into the shell anymore and kept collapsing. The entire structure was basically useless. I didn't know of anyone who could fix it and was going to throw the whole thing away. We've been pricing a new set for quite a while and they seem to go for an average of about R2 000. Eventually I chatted to my grandfather about it and he told me I should take it through to his brother. He chatted to his brother and he agreed to have a go at it as carpentry is a hobby of his. Over the weekend he let us know that he was done and we could come pick it up.
The chest of drawers looks as good as new and all the drawers fit in rather nicely! He said it wasn't too big a job. I bought him a box of chocolate as a small gesture of appreciation (I ran this by my grandfather first), turns out he's diabetic. Next time I'll ask my grandmother about his family, she seems to know more than him.
I received a formal invitation to My Evil Mother's wedding. She wants me to take photos. I agreed to take pictures for her. She can consider it my gift.
It's Sarah's 21st on Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing how all the arrangements turn out, but have no idea what to buy for her! It's the first time she's celebrating a birthday since we've been friends and it's a big one. She's given me ideas of things she wants/needs so I have quite a broad scope. I really hope she likes whatever I choose.
I had a chest of drawers which was seriously falling apart. Somehow the drawers wouldn't fit into the shell anymore and kept collapsing. The entire structure was basically useless. I didn't know of anyone who could fix it and was going to throw the whole thing away. We've been pricing a new set for quite a while and they seem to go for an average of about R2 000. Eventually I chatted to my grandfather about it and he told me I should take it through to his brother. He chatted to his brother and he agreed to have a go at it as carpentry is a hobby of his. Over the weekend he let us know that he was done and we could come pick it up.
The chest of drawers looks as good as new and all the drawers fit in rather nicely! He said it wasn't too big a job. I bought him a box of chocolate as a small gesture of appreciation (I ran this by my grandfather first), turns out he's diabetic. Next time I'll ask my grandmother about his family, she seems to know more than him.
I received a formal invitation to My Evil Mother's wedding. She wants me to take photos. I agreed to take pictures for her. She can consider it my gift.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Movements
I have been feeling 'flutters' if I can describe it that way for a little while. Mostly for a little bit in the evening. On Tuesday I felt it for the first time at work. Yesterday I felt it as soon as I woke up and on and off during the day.
It is rather a cool feeling. Only a feeling that the baby and I share at the moment though. I can tell Rudi that the baby is moving, but he can't feel it yet so all he can say is 'Oh'.
We had a chilled out public holiday. We didn't really do anything. We wanted to go car shopping, but by the time we got to the dealers they were already closed. We managed to do all the washing as the housekeeper doesn't work public holidays and Rudi made a potjie (a kind of stew on the fire made in a black pot) for himself. I don't like potjie. Never have. He craves for it every now and then, so he'll make it for himself and perhaps some friends.
The reason we were going car shopping was to see if it would be possible to trade my car in for a four door car, possibly something with a bigger boot. My little two door car might prove challenging once the baby has arrived. Especially if I have a Cesarean and won't be able to bend into awkward positions. We might have to go for a second hand car, which would suck because I bought my car new, because of the likely price difference. I only have 38 000km on my car at the moment which is a really good low mileage. I hope to get a good trade in amount, but my expectations are not very high.
I'm seriously not looking forward to working this weekend :( I'm so tired most of the time that I'm not up to much. What I am looking forward to is Sarah's party next week Friday. I'm sure it's going to be fun, even though I won't be able to dance much or drink.
It is rather a cool feeling. Only a feeling that the baby and I share at the moment though. I can tell Rudi that the baby is moving, but he can't feel it yet so all he can say is 'Oh'.
We had a chilled out public holiday. We didn't really do anything. We wanted to go car shopping, but by the time we got to the dealers they were already closed. We managed to do all the washing as the housekeeper doesn't work public holidays and Rudi made a potjie (a kind of stew on the fire made in a black pot) for himself. I don't like potjie. Never have. He craves for it every now and then, so he'll make it for himself and perhaps some friends.
The reason we were going car shopping was to see if it would be possible to trade my car in for a four door car, possibly something with a bigger boot. My little two door car might prove challenging once the baby has arrived. Especially if I have a Cesarean and won't be able to bend into awkward positions. We might have to go for a second hand car, which would suck because I bought my car new, because of the likely price difference. I only have 38 000km on my car at the moment which is a really good low mileage. I hope to get a good trade in amount, but my expectations are not very high.
I'm seriously not looking forward to working this weekend :( I'm so tired most of the time that I'm not up to much. What I am looking forward to is Sarah's party next week Friday. I'm sure it's going to be fun, even though I won't be able to dance much or drink.
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~~Our Precious James~~
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