Shifting Focus

I'm already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night "I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn't care". Wouldn't that be nice? Just "not caring". I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It's a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I'm sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don't think I'm in a position to comprehend this right now.

I also read Tertia's blog a little. I don't have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven't tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.

Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don't think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don't mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.

For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I'm only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It's dirt cheap too.

I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it's just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I'm getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don't enjoy it. It's not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he cooks...it's difficult to say no.

So...I need to change the way I'm thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.

Final Chapter

So on Saturday we went for some potjie (food cooked in a black pot over a fire) with at Beauty Queen and SLK's house. I had painted my nails before I went, but they looked horrid. The paint had bubbled and it didn't look nice at all. Beauty Queen decided to treat me by giving me a french manicure with some cute nail art. So sweet of her. I tried to help clean afterward, but I was a little 'out of it' and Beauty queen said it would be OK if I left.

To tell you the honest truth I don't remember much about Sunday's church service. I took 4 tablets (of which I was supposed to take 1) the morning. I remember I wore heels. I hardly ever wear them. I remember wearing all black. I remember that the church was really full and that we could only find place in front with my grandparents. I remember unpacking the pocket pack tissues and using some of them. I don't even remember going up for communion really well. I don't think I made a spectacle of myself. Rudi sat there and held my hand and supported me. We left directly after service. I had a shower and a sleep. I was so tired. While I was sleeping Rudi went out and he came back with KFC. Bless him.

I completely fell off the healthy eating wagon this weekend (from around Wednesday already actually) so I'm expecting the scale to swear at me tomorrow morning.

This weekend went by in a haze.

This morning I have a sore throat. I still feel a little dazed and confused. I'm still tired. My colleague who miscarried her baby at 8 weeks last week came back to work today. I gave her her injection this morning. I feel disconnected and numb right now.

It's almost time to move on.

Dinner

My healthy eating plan has kind gone down the drain for the last two days, but tomorrow is a new day. We skipped our walk yesterday, but I insisted we go today as I don't want to start letting myself get away with it.

We went for a lovely dinner at Primi Piatti with Beauty Queen, SLK and a few other friends. It was a fun evening. We're going over to their place tomorrow for a potjie. I'll see if there is anything healthy for me to eat :)

The Weekend so far

Last night I went to watch Bride Wars with Leebeesa. I must say that I really enjoyed spending some time with her and the movie was really cool. It made me laugh and cry. Awesome. Rudi had gone off to Crack Head's house and said he'd by home by 23:00. After the movie we went to Leebeesa's sisters house (she's house sitting at the moment) and I watched a little DSTV (cable) while she went to shower. She had to work today so eventually she brought me home around midnight.

Rudi still wasn't home. I was so livid. I thought after the huge fight that we had last weekend about this very same thing he would at least retain the information for a week. Silly me. Leebeesa comforted me on the phone till eventually I was tired enough to go and sleep. She reckoned he was probably trying to get a reaction out of me and advised me not to react. He came home after 01:00.

This morning I got up, made us both breakfast and started getting ready for my hair appointment. I even asked him how his evening was in a friendly manner. He couldn't, however, give a flying fuck how my evening went. He didn't even bother asking. He then kept trying to pull me back into bed, knowing I had a hair appointment within the next 30 minutes. The more I protested, the more adamant he became. He pressed my buttons to the extent that I finally exploded and said something along the lines of him needing to spend time with me when it was appropriate and not just when it suited him, which led to another fight. The last thing I said to him before I left for my hair appointment was 'You want a divorce? Fine. You'll get what you want'.

The hairdresser was a lovely lady. As all hairdressers do she listened to my problems and even gave me a free treatment. If pity is going to get me free hair treatments, I'm not going to complain! Hair is SO freaking expensive to maintain!

I have grainy cell phone pics of my hair:





Before



After

We were meant to go and visit my great aunt, Cheryl, today and go for a walk on the beach afterwards. Naturally Rudi told me to go on my own. I picked my grandmother up and we went to go and visit her. I actually had a nice afternoon, despite my foul mood. I assumed Rudi would have buggered off to his friends while I was out, but he was still home when I returned around 18:00 (I left at 12:00). Maybe his friends are busy.

Did you think I was going to slack on the weekend? NO! When I got home I went for my walk (alone). It was still difficult and hasn't gotten any easier yet. I am still taking the same route. I'm sure it's going to get better. I feel good about doing it. I came home, took a nice cold shower and cooked supper. I was so proud of myself today. I stuck to my eating plan despite being offered cake and DELICIOUS cookies. I can do this!

Rudi and I are being civil for now. He's not getting off easily this time. I deserve respect and if he can't give me that, then that's tough. I'm not going to be a doormat.

Exercise!

So Rudi and I actually went for a walk last night. After having a lovely (healthy) meal we set off for the walk.

We walked around our complex to a nearby dam, around the dam and back home again. Walking to the dam and around it was pretty easy and I set a fast pace, but walking back was uphill all the way! It was only a mild incline, but uphill none the less!

I must say I really took strain on the uphill and had to climb a flight of stairs to get back into the house. My heart was pounding, my muscles were twitching and my lungs were burning. The whole walk took us about 20 minutes.

After I recovered and caught my breath back I felt pretty good about it. We won't have time to go for a walk tonight as I'm going to church and Rudi's going to darts, but tomorrow night I want to go again.

The eating plan is going really well so far and it's really not too difficult. Maybe this is the one!

Feeling Good

I am super proud of myself. I haven't felt proud of myself for a VERY long time. It feels so good to feel like this.

Despite life throwing me a curve ball I started my eating plan yesterday and stuck to it. I could have easily used the fight Rudi and I had as an excuse not to start. I even forgot to prepare the chicken I needed for lunch yesterday and that would just have added to my excuses.

I have made enough excuses though. There should be no excuse for treating yourself badly and poisoning your body with bad food. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite and I've only been eating healthy for a day, but I want to put my mind into the right gear.

I stuck to my eating plan for the entire day yesterday and even drank all my water. I loathe drinking water. I added some lime cordial and that makes it so much more bearable. I didn't feel punished or deprived. I felt healthier.

I intended to go for a walk yesterday, but Rudi picked me up late from work and by the time we had finished cooking supper our soapie was on and before we knew it 7 'o clock had come and gone. My grandparents also pitched up at our house unannounced so the walk went down the drain. We do plan on taking a walk tonight though.

Rudi and I discussed our problems and managed to talk things out. I've decided not to let his actions or inactions decide how I feel about myself. I want to learn to love myself more, to be comfortable in my own skin. I want reconnect my mind and my body. They have been strangers for years.

I think that this healthy eating plan has come at a very good time. It is helping me feel better about myself. I have also decided not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon. Many times before this has been my downfall. I would cheat and then feel like a failure and like I've ruined everything and I would give up. None of that! NOBODY eats perfectly every single day. Everybody gives in to food. I have bad genes and I need to work harder at it than some people, but that is not their fault nor mine. I am not the only person in the world that struggles with their weight.

I will no longer be judged because I have trouble stopping myself from putting bad things in my mouth. The principle is simple. Now I just need to enforce it!

I weighed myself last week and again this morning. There is already a 2kg difference! I am not officially counting it as I can't even remember what day I weighed, but it has lifted my spirits a little anyway :)

Is there hope?

I’m hiding out in word again today. Nobody said anything or took a second glance yesterday, so I guess it works.

Firstly I’d like to say thank you for Glugster for fixing my banner. It fits perfectly now and is finally not working on my nerves! Thank you!

The more I think about this healthy eating plan, the more I want to do it. I’m trying not to get myself overly excited about it. I’m cautious about it because I’ve disappointed myself so many times before. I don’t want to fail again, but every time I set out to succeed with a positive attitude and full of hope I have failed. I’ve set my first goal at 5kg. I figure that is easily achievable, although I need to lose much, much more. It’s a starting point. It’s better than going on and disregarding my body and what it is telling me. The fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed by emotional issues right now doesn’t help, but I think my mind is finally in the right place again. Last year I would not even consider changing my eating plan. It was completely out of the question for me. I had given up on myself. This year I guess I realize I’m stuck with me forever, so I better start liking who I am.

I really need to call my insurance. I’ve got a couple of dings on my car that I’d really like to have fixed, but I’ve been putting off calling them forever. I hope they deliver good service or my next blog post might just be a rant about First for Women.