Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

It feels like...

...my marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone before...so I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.

Interesting Developments

Where to start...

My car went in for a service on Friday. One of the headlights had somehow been damaged and I asked them to repair it, R1200.00 later. Then they called me to say my brakes weren't going to make it to the next service, R1300.00 later. Why am I leaking money?! Anyway...when I got my car back he no longer had a Paris Hilton (read: droopy) eye and no longer makes a knocking sound when I turn (loose bearings apparently, no charge) so I'm happy. My car feels better, so I feel better about shelling out R2500.00 for him.

We had a quiet evening on Friday. It was yesterday that things got interesting...

Yesterday after work (yes I worked this weekend) I went to fetch Rudi at the pub where he was playing darts after the morning's fishing trip. Boring People (the couple) were there. We discussed having a braai the evening and even some of the finer details like what they should bring. I was starving since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast at 7:00 and it was already after 13:00. Needless to say I didn't want to eat pub food and asked Rudi when we could leave. He assured me it was his last game of darts, but as soon as the game was finished he said...'This is the last one, promise' to which my reply was 'How long is this going to take?!' I was huffy and grumpy because I was starving. We finally left.

We were expecting our guests around 18:00. They didn't show...Crack Head made his appearance, but no sign of Boring People. I asked Rudi to start the fire so long as by 19:00 we hadn't heard anything yet. At almost 20:00 Boring Person (Male) SMS'd Rudi to say he had just woken up and Boring Person (Female) had already made food. He went on to say they didn't appreciate my attitude and didn't want to be in a place where I was going to be belittling their friend (Rudi). Rudi was understandably upset, I was livid. Rudi replied 'Don't understand, please explain'. About one and a half hours later he replied saying that he has no problem with Rudi, but he heard me ask Rudi 'How long is this going to take?!' and he knows Rudi and life well enough to know when there is a problem. He doesn't like the way I speak to Rudi, it upsets him.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! Last time I checked, Rudi didn't have a problem with the way I speak to him and it just so happens not to be any of his business. Aside from eavesdropping, he saw fit to speak crap about me to my husband, thereby interfering in our marriage. Nice friend. Rudi was very taken aback and disappointed, saying 'he must be drunk'.

I don't care HOW drunk you are, you butt out of other people's affairs! Don't even get me STARTED on him. I could very well sit here and write a load of crap about him and his lifestyle and partner choices, but I choose not to. You know why? Because it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

Anyway. I'm seriously pissed off about it and told Rudi that he will not be welcome in my home and should not expect me to be friends with him. Crack Head thought this incredibly funny since Boring People have now been demoted to his level.

That being said, Crack Head and I have sort of made peace and I've decided to give him another chance. It's been more than a year since our falling out and Rudi seems determined to keep him as a friend, so for Rudi's sake I decided to try and change my attitude towards him and clear the animosity between us.

Not much help since Boring People have now created animosity between us again. Idiots!

The Weekend so far

Last night I went to watch Bride Wars with Leebeesa. I must say that I really enjoyed spending some time with her and the movie was really cool. It made me laugh and cry. Awesome. Rudi had gone off to Crack Head's house and said he'd by home by 23:00. After the movie we went to Leebeesa's sisters house (she's house sitting at the moment) and I watched a little DSTV (cable) while she went to shower. She had to work today so eventually she brought me home around midnight.

Rudi still wasn't home. I was so livid. I thought after the huge fight that we had last weekend about this very same thing he would at least retain the information for a week. Silly me. Leebeesa comforted me on the phone till eventually I was tired enough to go and sleep. She reckoned he was probably trying to get a reaction out of me and advised me not to react. He came home after 01:00.

This morning I got up, made us both breakfast and started getting ready for my hair appointment. I even asked him how his evening was in a friendly manner. He couldn't, however, give a flying fuck how my evening went. He didn't even bother asking. He then kept trying to pull me back into bed, knowing I had a hair appointment within the next 30 minutes. The more I protested, the more adamant he became. He pressed my buttons to the extent that I finally exploded and said something along the lines of him needing to spend time with me when it was appropriate and not just when it suited him, which led to another fight. The last thing I said to him before I left for my hair appointment was 'You want a divorce? Fine. You'll get what you want'.

The hairdresser was a lovely lady. As all hairdressers do she listened to my problems and even gave me a free treatment. If pity is going to get me free hair treatments, I'm not going to complain! Hair is SO freaking expensive to maintain!

I have grainy cell phone pics of my hair:





Before



After

We were meant to go and visit my great aunt, Cheryl, today and go for a walk on the beach afterwards. Naturally Rudi told me to go on my own. I picked my grandmother up and we went to go and visit her. I actually had a nice afternoon, despite my foul mood. I assumed Rudi would have buggered off to his friends while I was out, but he was still home when I returned around 18:00 (I left at 12:00). Maybe his friends are busy.

Did you think I was going to slack on the weekend? NO! When I got home I went for my walk (alone). It was still difficult and hasn't gotten any easier yet. I am still taking the same route. I'm sure it's going to get better. I feel good about doing it. I came home, took a nice cold shower and cooked supper. I was so proud of myself today. I stuck to my eating plan despite being offered cake and DELICIOUS cookies. I can do this!

Rudi and I are being civil for now. He's not getting off easily this time. I deserve respect and if he can't give me that, then that's tough. I'm not going to be a doormat.

Weekend Activities

The weekend was way too short.

Every weekend Rudi and I fight about Crack Head. Every weekend he wants to go there and I know exactly what's going to happen. No matter how many promises he makes and how he tries to convince me it will be different, it is always the same. He is never done there at the time he says he will be done. He never wants to leave when I want to leave and most of the time he ends up drunk.

On Friday he wanted to go to Crack Head. I threw a hissy fit and he begrudingly stayed. I told him to get lost since I didn't want him to be at home if he didn't want to be there...but he cooled off and we had a nice evening.

Saturday was time for My Evil Mother's pamper party. There were 5 people there. My aunt, myself, my grandmother, My Evil Mother and a lady from the church that is also invited to the wedding. We had tea and cake and talked nonsense. It was more of a gathering with small gifts for once person than anything else. No forfeits, no fun. I managed to steal the spotlight a little bit with the pregnancy :)

I told Rudi I would be done at around 17:00 and of course he wasn't done at that time (despite his insistence that he would be). Despite having been there since 12:30, apparently they hadn't finished braaing (BBQ) yet. I decided not to fight with him again since he'd already proven my point and called Beauty Queen to have a quick coffee. While her and I were having coffee she invited us for another braai (BBQ) at her in laws house with her husband SLK. We had a lovely evening there. Rudi broke the news to me that he had invited Crack head and his family over for a meal the next day. I was SO peeved. He knew I would have said no, which is probably why he didn't ask me. There was one condition. Crack Head's wife said if he didn't come home at a certain time he wouldn't be allowed to come over to our place. Luckily for me, Crack Head is as unreliable as Rudi in this regard and his wife put her foot down. Beauty Queen and SLK still came over though and we had a lovely lunch.

On Friday I received an e-mail from Sarah...one of her friends wanted to sell a TV stand. We didn't have a proper one and I really liked the one they were selling. On Sunday morning I managed to show Rudi a picture of it and we decided to buy it. I'm really chuffed with it. It looks awesome. We had all our stuff standing on mismatched furniture before and it is so much better now!

P.S. I'll have to load the picture later. Blogger isn't loading properly again :(

Imperfection

The church service last night was tough. The Word we received was a difficult one to apply. The whole purpose of going to church is so that you can get food for your soul and apply the morals and values that you learn in your day to day life.

Last night we were told that you cannot say you love God if you do not love your neighbour. How can you love a God you have never seen, yet you cannot love your neighbour who you have seen?

I realize this point can be endlessly argued by cynics, but if this could be applied in the life of every human being (regardless of religious beliefs or background) - how different would the world be?

It was said that it is easy to love someone that does everything you tell them. It is easy to love someone that agrees with you all the time. Where is the challenge in that? Where is the effort required? How are you bettering yourself as a person by just loving those that it is easy to love? That's the catch.

I can think of two individuals that I feel I cannot love. Crack Head Neighbour and Coke Head (My Evil Mother's boyfriend) are two individuals I have great trouble even thinking about without boiling my blood.

Last night while in the service I thought to myself "I am so imperfect, how could I possibly meet the standard of others that are so much better than me?". Yes, God is a graceful and compassionate God - where is the line though? Somewhere in the Bible Jesus says that he would spew you out should you be lukewarm towards him or that he would deny you in front of His Father.

Where does that leave me?