-1.2kg

Despite my binge on Saturday and my slip up on Sunday I lost 1.2kg last week. It's probably the water I was retaining the previous week plus a little weight loss. I'm happy with the number.

Things got worse last night somehow. When Rudi picked me up from work I gave him a kiss hello and put my hand on his leg as we drove home. A white flag if you will. He ignored these gestures.

As we were meant to go to my grandparents for supper last night, I asked him if he was coming, he refused to go. I went to my grandparents and told them the truth about why he didn't come. My grandfather, being the wise and wonderful man that he is, sent some food for Rudi. When I got home I greeted him and told him my grandparents send their love and some food. I asked him (in a polite tone) whether I should leave it out or put it in the fridge for him. He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?'. I was then told I forgot to check my attitude at the door.

I went to bed really early last night. I was exhausted from being so distressed all day.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Alone. Rudi had slept on the couch for the second night in a row. It is the first time ever he has done this two nights in a row. I made myself a cup of coffee and cried myself back to sleep. Rudi banged on the wall and asked me what the fuck I was crying about. This, of course, only made me cry more.

I made him breakfast this morning. He didn't touch it.

I also got shouted at because I took something out of the freezer for supper tonight. Apparently he told me three times last night that we are going to his parents for dinner. He told me this while I was sleeping. He thought it ridiculous that I could be asleep so early and therefore assumed I was awake and could hear him. He also expected me to take him to work this morning, but since he hadn't discussed this with me at all I had started getting ready too late to make it to work in time.

So when he dropped me at work I waited for a kiss goodbye. With a big sigh I received a half hearted kiss.

I have a feeling that he has decided to leave me, but doesn't have the balls to do it. He is waiting for me to kick him out or to leave him. I'm simply not going to do that. When I made a vow in front of God, I meant it.

It feels like...

...my marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone before...so I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.