Better

So things were better last night. I didn't sleep alone. As soon as we got in the car the air cleared. Rudi drove directly to his parent's house so I went with him to dinner. I didn't pretend everything is OK, but I didn't say or do anything that implied things weren't.

This morning in the car however things went pear shaped again. We were chatting about general stuff and Rudi mentioned their weekend fishing trip that is scheduled for the end of the month. I said I was not going and Rudi flipped his lid saying I was 'starting again' and that he expected me to talk things out with Boring Person and that he thinks I'm being childish by not agreeing to do so.

So I mulled it over and decided that I would be mature about it. I sent him a SMS after arriving at work today and told him to call Boring Person to set up drinks on Friday night so that we could talk. He hasn't replied to this SMS, but I've put the ball in his court. I will listen to Boring Person's reasoning and then make clear to him how I feel about things. I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again if he wants us to be friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I hope this will appease Rudi and show him I am willing to make and effort.

We went for our walk last night and for a change I didn't nearly drop dead. I did, however, wear the wrong kind of shoes and the balls of my feet still hurt. I won't make THAT mistake again! While we were walking we had some time to talk. Rudi still does not want to go for counselling. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage. Of course I disagree and feel that counselling can only do some good. He reckons that we would have to go for counselling only if we were fighting every night and had trouble making things right. I asked him if he would consider going for counselling if I went first. I asked him if he would go if my counsellor would like to see him. He still said no, saying it was a waste of money.

So. I am going to make a concerted effort and do what I can from my side. I'm going to be a grown up about it and suck it up. Lead by example.

I can only work on myself and make myself better. Rudi will hopefully see the effort that I make and appreciate it for what it is.

-1.2kg

Despite my binge on Saturday and my slip up on Sunday I lost 1.2kg last week. It's probably the water I was retaining the previous week plus a little weight loss. I'm happy with the number.

Things got worse last night somehow. When Rudi picked me up from work I gave him a kiss hello and put my hand on his leg as we drove home. A white flag if you will. He ignored these gestures.

As we were meant to go to my grandparents for supper last night, I asked him if he was coming, he refused to go. I went to my grandparents and told them the truth about why he didn't come. My grandfather, being the wise and wonderful man that he is, sent some food for Rudi. When I got home I greeted him and told him my grandparents send their love and some food. I asked him (in a polite tone) whether I should leave it out or put it in the fridge for him. He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?'. I was then told I forgot to check my attitude at the door.

I went to bed really early last night. I was exhausted from being so distressed all day.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Alone. Rudi had slept on the couch for the second night in a row. It is the first time ever he has done this two nights in a row. I made myself a cup of coffee and cried myself back to sleep. Rudi banged on the wall and asked me what the fuck I was crying about. This, of course, only made me cry more.

I made him breakfast this morning. He didn't touch it.

I also got shouted at because I took something out of the freezer for supper tonight. Apparently he told me three times last night that we are going to his parents for dinner. He told me this while I was sleeping. He thought it ridiculous that I could be asleep so early and therefore assumed I was awake and could hear him. He also expected me to take him to work this morning, but since he hadn't discussed this with me at all I had started getting ready too late to make it to work in time.

So when he dropped me at work I waited for a kiss goodbye. With a big sigh I received a half hearted kiss.

I have a feeling that he has decided to leave me, but doesn't have the balls to do it. He is waiting for me to kick him out or to leave him. I'm simply not going to do that. When I made a vow in front of God, I meant it.

It feels like...

...my marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone before...so I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.

Interesting Developments

Where to start...

My car went in for a service on Friday. One of the headlights had somehow been damaged and I asked them to repair it, R1200.00 later. Then they called me to say my brakes weren't going to make it to the next service, R1300.00 later. Why am I leaking money?! Anyway...when I got my car back he no longer had a Paris Hilton (read: droopy) eye and no longer makes a knocking sound when I turn (loose bearings apparently, no charge) so I'm happy. My car feels better, so I feel better about shelling out R2500.00 for him.

We had a quiet evening on Friday. It was yesterday that things got interesting...

Yesterday after work (yes I worked this weekend) I went to fetch Rudi at the pub where he was playing darts after the morning's fishing trip. Boring People (the couple) were there. We discussed having a braai the evening and even some of the finer details like what they should bring. I was starving since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast at 7:00 and it was already after 13:00. Needless to say I didn't want to eat pub food and asked Rudi when we could leave. He assured me it was his last game of darts, but as soon as the game was finished he said...'This is the last one, promise' to which my reply was 'How long is this going to take?!' I was huffy and grumpy because I was starving. We finally left.

We were expecting our guests around 18:00. They didn't show...Crack Head made his appearance, but no sign of Boring People. I asked Rudi to start the fire so long as by 19:00 we hadn't heard anything yet. At almost 20:00 Boring Person (Male) SMS'd Rudi to say he had just woken up and Boring Person (Female) had already made food. He went on to say they didn't appreciate my attitude and didn't want to be in a place where I was going to be belittling their friend (Rudi). Rudi was understandably upset, I was livid. Rudi replied 'Don't understand, please explain'. About one and a half hours later he replied saying that he has no problem with Rudi, but he heard me ask Rudi 'How long is this going to take?!' and he knows Rudi and life well enough to know when there is a problem. He doesn't like the way I speak to Rudi, it upsets him.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! Last time I checked, Rudi didn't have a problem with the way I speak to him and it just so happens not to be any of his business. Aside from eavesdropping, he saw fit to speak crap about me to my husband, thereby interfering in our marriage. Nice friend. Rudi was very taken aback and disappointed, saying 'he must be drunk'.

I don't care HOW drunk you are, you butt out of other people's affairs! Don't even get me STARTED on him. I could very well sit here and write a load of crap about him and his lifestyle and partner choices, but I choose not to. You know why? Because it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

Anyway. I'm seriously pissed off about it and told Rudi that he will not be welcome in my home and should not expect me to be friends with him. Crack Head thought this incredibly funny since Boring People have now been demoted to his level.

That being said, Crack Head and I have sort of made peace and I've decided to give him another chance. It's been more than a year since our falling out and Rudi seems determined to keep him as a friend, so for Rudi's sake I decided to try and change my attitude towards him and clear the animosity between us.

Not much help since Boring People have now created animosity between us again. Idiots!

At my wits end

I’m feeling slightly ill today. I have this burning feeling in my stomach. Maybe it’s because I’m under stress at home. I think that losing our baby has finally caught up to our marriage and even though it’s not what we’re fighting about, I think it might be the underlying reason that is driving a wedge between us. Like Dr. Phil says, people fight about ‘topics’, but never really about the problem itself. Rudi won’t admit this, or maybe I’m wrong.

I basically spent the weekend on my own. On Sunday I went to church and afterwards to my grandfather to help him do something for his boss. We went to the in laws for lunch where I’m usually alone anyway since Rudi is usually cooking or seeing what he can do to fix the pool.

Eventually last night I tried to talk about it. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. The more I tell him that I don’t expect him to give up his friends, I only expect to be considered, the less he seems to understand. All I ask for is some quality time and for him to come home when he says he is going to. This is not a lot to ask, but apparently it is too unreasonable. I had to hear how someone he knows goes away for weekends with his friends. As if I care. I’m not married to that guy!

He told me how his friend’s wives/girlfriends were with them on Friday night and how they didn’t look happy being there, but were there anyway (apparently good wives/girlfriends make sacrifices like this for the people they love). I asked him if that is the type of man he wants to be. The type of man who has a puppy dog following him around miserably and feeling forced to be there; the type of man that makes his wife unhappy.

I am feeling neglected and unimportant. He is feeling trapped and controlled.

He doesn’t understand why I need attention. I don’t understand why he feels controlled and trapped when he has so much freedom.

He doesn’t want to go for counselling. He seems to think that he doesn’t need a ‘head doctor’, but I do. I do not dispute the fact that I could do with some help. He agreed to go if I pay, but I cannot afford it alone.

Suffice to say I am not trying to get pregnant right now.

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!

Married to My Evil Mother

Anyone who has read about My Evil Mother (mostly in my old blog) would think that it would be an absolute nightmare to be married to her, right? I'm starting to have my doubts...

My stepfather was married to my mother since I was about 4 years old. He came from an abusive background and had drinking problems, didn't finish school, etc. My Evil Mother somehow managed to get him sober for over 10 years. She also managed to get him a good job wherever she was working at the time and had him attending church.

After My Evil Mother lost her job at a large furniture store (under questionable circumstances) her life has gone to shit. My stepfather and My Evil Mother got divorced a few short weeks after Rudi and I were married. I was happy for my stepfather as she was just putting him further and further into debt and had cheated on him time and again. Whether he cheated on her is something that remains to be seen, but I doubt it.

Since they have been divorced both of them have had many personal problems. My Evil Mother is unable to hold down a job, is involved with a leech and is sponging off family. My stepfather has started using drugs and drinking again. He has lost two jobs because of his addiction issues and is living in a back room in someone else's house.

Somehow these two people were much better when they were together. They kept each other in check to a certain extent. I've found myself wishing for their own sake that they would work things out.

I don't wish being married to My Evil Mother on my worst enemy, but I do wonder if he wouldn't be better off with her. How does the saying go? Better the devil you know...

Memory Lane

Music is such an incredible medium. It has this ability, this effect on me that I can't explain. I am sure others are affected by music in a similair way. How else would we explain the multi billion dollar industry run by the music moguls?

I heard a song on the radio this morning which took me right back into a memory I hadn't recalled for quite some time. What set this apart from the other times that this has happened is that this was a fairly 'new' song. It wasn't the first song I slow danced to, or the first song a boy dedicated to me or a song that reminded me of a specific person. I've heard snippets of this song as cell phone ringtones and decided I like it, but I heard it for the first in it's entirety this morning. I completely zoned out and took a trip down memory lane.

I dusted off the manilla folder holding the memory and opened it up for a look. A smile touched my lips as I recalled that time in my life. I thought about how silly I was. A question I often pondered when I was younger was "How will I know when I am a woman. When exactly does a girl become a woman?". Now I'm married and I see myself doing more and more things that I saw 'women' doing when I was younger. I guess I've crossed that line at some point, but I cannot pin point when that happened.

I love the way my whole mood can change just by listening to music. I'm going to download that song for my phone right now.

Little Girl Dreams

I was lying staring at the ceiling last night...I haven't gone to bed early in a while so I struggled to fall asleep and my thoughts wandered...

I thought about what I pictured my life to be like when I was a little girl. When I was 8 years old - what did I expect out of adulthood? Who did I think I would be? Did I turn out to be that way? I sure as hell didn't want to be married. Not for the conventional 'boys are gross' reasons, I just didn't want to be married. I didn't want to have a husband. I didn't want to have kids. I only recently started bouncing the idea of babies around in my head (within the last year or so). I didn't even really have a dream job then. All that mattered then were mud cakes, Barbie dolls and puppies.

I remember how we used to play 'teacher'. I used to love putting things in order. I used to love gathering papers, stapling them, putting them in plastic sleeves and filing them. You should see what a mess my filing is in now! I'm probably about 6 months behind - I suppose when you're young and you only go to school half day you have loads of time to file things, even though you have nothing to file. The irony is...well, ironic.

I didn't even have the desire to have a car or to drive...or to live on my own. Who would cook for me? Who would wash my clothes? Surely life without the parents [read: slaves] would be impossible!

As I lay in bed with my arms wrapped around Rudi feeling warm and safe I realized that I had the one thing that I wanted when I was a little girl. I have a man that loves me. I have someone that wraps his arms around me every night and makes me feel safe. Clearly I hadn't learnt the meaning of 'living in sin' or pre-marital sex. At that point sex wasn't even a factor. I just wanted to lie in someone's arms and feel safe.

I suppose if that is the standard I set for myself, even if I was young and naive, I have achieved my goal. I remember why I thought Rudi was 'the one'. When I lay in his arms I felt the same as when I lay in my grandfather's arms; a feeling of security, warmth and love. When I felt that, I knew.

Now I guess I need to treasure that. I have to realize that it is vulnerable and that I need to work at it and do my best to keep what I have. Heaven knows that relationships and marriages fail every day.

With all his faults and failings I love my husband. I will always love him and I hope he knows that.