+/- 0kg

The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.

This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!

Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.

Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!

At my wits end

I’m feeling slightly ill today. I have this burning feeling in my stomach. Maybe it’s because I’m under stress at home. I think that losing our baby has finally caught up to our marriage and even though it’s not what we’re fighting about, I think it might be the underlying reason that is driving a wedge between us. Like Dr. Phil says, people fight about ‘topics’, but never really about the problem itself. Rudi won’t admit this, or maybe I’m wrong.

I basically spent the weekend on my own. On Sunday I went to church and afterwards to my grandfather to help him do something for his boss. We went to the in laws for lunch where I’m usually alone anyway since Rudi is usually cooking or seeing what he can do to fix the pool.

Eventually last night I tried to talk about it. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. The more I tell him that I don’t expect him to give up his friends, I only expect to be considered, the less he seems to understand. All I ask for is some quality time and for him to come home when he says he is going to. This is not a lot to ask, but apparently it is too unreasonable. I had to hear how someone he knows goes away for weekends with his friends. As if I care. I’m not married to that guy!

He told me how his friend’s wives/girlfriends were with them on Friday night and how they didn’t look happy being there, but were there anyway (apparently good wives/girlfriends make sacrifices like this for the people they love). I asked him if that is the type of man he wants to be. The type of man who has a puppy dog following him around miserably and feeling forced to be there; the type of man that makes his wife unhappy.

I am feeling neglected and unimportant. He is feeling trapped and controlled.

He doesn’t understand why I need attention. I don’t understand why he feels controlled and trapped when he has so much freedom.

He doesn’t want to go for counselling. He seems to think that he doesn’t need a ‘head doctor’, but I do. I do not dispute the fact that I could do with some help. He agreed to go if I pay, but I cannot afford it alone.

Suffice to say I am not trying to get pregnant right now.

Business as usual

Finally it's Friday. The weirdest thing happened this morning. I woke up, attempted to brush my teeth without vomiting without success, but instead of getting upset I just...well...accepted it. It was 'business as usual'. I cannot be getting used to this can I? Who wants to get used to feeling ill and vomiting all the time? Crazy people! Oh...and people with bulimia*

I only felt a little sorry for myself and carried on as if nothing happened *sigh*. I didn't even cry or stamp my feet. I think these lollipops help because they push up my blood sugar levels. I don't care how it works, as long as it works!

I didn't go to choir practice last night. I feel so bad, but I have no choice. I feel so crappy.

My grandfather called me last night. He received back more test results. It seems like there is a problem with his liver. The doctor didn't tell him specifically if the cancer had spread there or if there is another problem - he'll tell him that on Monday (on my birthday). I just really hope he's going to be OK. My grandfather has been waiting for me to have a baby for the longest time and now that it is finally happening there are other factors that we never dreamed would be a problem. He said to me last night 'You better hurry up with this baby, I might not be around to see it', a tasteless joke I know. He has a weird sense of humour. Maybe he's trying to make it 'lighter'. He said if the cancer has spread to his liver it's a death sentence. You never know. He could get a transplant or they could cut some of his liver away. The chemo might get it, but there's no point in speculating.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything this year. Usually my birthday is a big deal for me...but I feel so horrid I'm not sure I'm up to anything. I can't drink, I can't eat, I don't feel like dancing. What is left to do except wallow? Last year my party was a real blow out. I remember a copious amount of red wine flowing and sleeping over where I was because neither Rudi or I were in any kind of condition to drive. This year...I'm in a different condition. HA HA.

*I distinguished that there is a different between bulimia and crazy people so don't take offense!

P.S. I'm sitting at work with my jeans untied. Luckily I'm wearing a long jacket so nobody can see. They're too tight and making me feel sick because they're pushing against my stomach. I just hope they don't fall down while I'm walking.