Ovulating - ACK!

So...the ovulation pain I'm experiencing this month is ridiculous! I was *so* sore last night that I had to stay home from church. Normal movements hurt! How am I supposed to forget about getting pregnant when my body is screaming at me that it is time to try? We haven't. Tried, that is. I checked my ovulation microscope this morning. I shouldn't have, but I did. To make sure this wretched pain is due to ovulation and nothing else. Urgh. You know this doesn't happen when you're on the pill. Rudi seems to be excited by the fact that I am in excrutiating pain and has decided it's time to make hay while the sun is shining. He doesn't seem to understand that bouncing around is only going to add to my discomfort...but he has a point, doesn't he? How do you expect to magically get pregnant without actually...well...doing what it takes?

I'm really excited about an order I want to place. I'm going to have to keep it on the down low since it involves a certain someone that reads my blog - but I'm excited!

In case you were wondering, work has slowed down somewhat. It's much more manageable now, but still busy.

Leebeesa brought me some gifts from her trip overseas. I'll post some photos ASAP. I want to take photos with my actual camera as cell phone pics often do not do them justice.

Gotta run!

+ 400g

So...my body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!

Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.

Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.

My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:

Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33

I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.

Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....

Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...

P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)

No Pressure Over Cappucino

Enough is enough. I've had it with all of this.

No more ovulation calendars, microscopes and calculators. No more avoiding certain medication for weeks because I *might* be pregnant. No more nervous anticipation of my cycle. No more plotting, planning and having lack lustre sexy time. No more cutting back on drinking or having fun because there is a miniscule chance of me being pregnant. No more resenting other pregnant women. No more jealousy. Who am I to be jealous? I have very little idea of what these people have been through to have their child. Who am I to feel like I deserve it more than anyone else? No more.

I am putting way too much pressure on myself (and Rudi) to get pregnant. Sure it feels like there is a hole in our life now that was meant to be filled. Sure my grandfather is out of his skin with excitement and prays every day that we get pregnant. There are many people hoping and praying for us (thank you), but the pressure is soul crushing. The expectations are high and the disappointment is shattering.

It hit me very hard this month. I really thought this was our month. I even thought I had symptoms, but alas. It was not so.

Through all this drama and struggle I have at least discovered that I feel ready to have a baby. That is something I never thought I would be ready for. Now I don't need to try and prevent pregnancy because it will be a joyous occasion when it happens, like it should have been the first time.

If I am not pregnant by the end of the year I'll make an appointment with my gynae and ask him if he has something to help me along, but until then, no pressure.

Now all of this is easy to say, I just need to stick to it and put it out of my mind. My life cannot stop until I am pregnant. My life cannot revolve around getting pregnant. I don't think it should be so difficult. I'm not saying I don't want a baby. I do, I really do. I just don't want this stress, pressure and these expectations making me feel like a failure month after month.

I'm sad that things had to turn out this way. I'm disappointed that I didn't fall pregnant before I reached this point, but so be it.

I don't want to hear 'It will happen when the time is right' or 'It will happen when it is meant to be'. It will happen, I know this. When it will happen is something I clearly have no control over.

So right now I can still live my life with much less responsibility than a parent has and that isn't too bad, now is it?

I need to love me. I need to keep reminding myself to love me, because I forget.

Still sick

So Rudi and I were both sick yesterday. I only started feeling sick after I got to work though, so no off day for me. This morning I truly felt horrible. I was trying to eat my breakfast, but I only ate about half of it. I was feeling so nauseous. I think God is trying to remind me of what it felt like to be pregnant. It's like he's saying 'Still in a hurry?’

Well, yes.

Despite both of us feeling ill we still gave it a bash. I'm not going to miss out on an opportunity because I'm feeling ill. I'm not sick enough for that! (No, universe, I'm not asking to get sicker). I got us some medication yesterday to settle our stomachs and it seems to have worked. I don’t want to take the medication I got for nausea because I’m not too sure if that would do some damage IF I’m pregnant.

Yesterday Rudi was clearly bored and was examining my microscope. He reckons it was still ferning yesterday. I was anxious to see when I got home, but I don’t think that it was ferning per se, but like I said my body is telling me I’m still ovulating so try we will. I think tonight will be the last effort for this month before I enter the 2WW (two week wait) period. According to Fertility Friend my next cycle is due on the 28th of March technically that is longer than two weeks. My cycle is running on an average of 36 days now. It’s so long. If I weren’t trying to get pregnant I wouldn’t be complaining, so I’m just going to suck it up.

Nellie FINALLY got her chat functionality set up on her phone and we tested it out last night. We’re definitely going to save loads of money on SMS. We use mig33 instead of MXIT. MXIT is a load of crud. It doesn’t work half the time. Mig33 is much more reliable in my opinion. It also has MSN built into it so it suits my needs perfectly. I’m not sure which other chat applications it supports, but I’m sure Google will be able to tell you.

I spoke to my grandfather last night and asked him to fish out my father’s birth date from My Evil Mother. Maybe he can do it without raising too much suspicion. He is really keen for me to find my father. He thinks it’s the ‘right thing to do’. We’ll see what that yields.

+/- 0kg

The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.

This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!

Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.

Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!

Weekend Update

On Friday Rudi spent most of the evening with Lindor and Fence finalising plans for Saturday's fishing trip. I saw him for the first time after 20:00 (despite him saying he would be home around 18:00). I decided to let it slide since I had busied myself washing all the pink spray out of my hair.




I participated in the CANSA Shavathon this year. I didn't have money this year, but Leebeesa didn't want her hair sprayed, but wanted to contribute, so she paid for me to have my hair sprayed. I got a lot of attention, I must say. Luckily this year the pink actually washed out of my hair. I washed it around 4 times and it all came out. Last year the purple stayed in my hair for quite some time.

Anyway...on Saturday we went on this fishing trip. Rudi was arguing with me over nonsense in the morning - almost as if he didn't want me to go, but I stuck to my guns and went anyway. It wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be. Fence and Caregiver pretended that nothing happened. Nobody mentioned the incident and I didn't bring it up either. It was very hot and eventually very windy. I spent most of the day with Caregiver in a tent on the beach. We read, had a nap and made some food for the guys. Not one fish was caught the entire day.

We then went for a braai at Lindor's house. That wasn't too bad either. We tried to play games, but Lindor kept changing the rules. Eventually Rudi and Fence wanted to go and buy another bottle of brandy and for Lindor's wife didn't want him to go with. Lindor went to bed while they were away. When they got back Lindor came back down, but was upset that he could not go with them to buy the bottle. I have a feeling there's more to it than that (perhaps he wanted to get something else as well, but lacked opportunity to leave)...I started feeling horrible and went to lie down on the couch. I passed out fell asleep and Rudi woke me up when it was time to leave. I felt awful. I felt nauseous, had heartburn and was still half asleep. So I survived Saturday.

Sunday we had a braai with the in-laws, which was uneventful as it normally is.

My ovulation microscope is confusing me! From around Thursday is started showing signs on ferning. That is supposed to be the transitional phase that leads up to ovulation. On Saturday my microscope showed NOTHING. We through it odd, so we took another sample and sure enough...it was like fern city. The entire lens was covered in ferns. It was all very exciting! So we started trying then. On Sunday - nothing. No ferns. Not one. I tested 4 times. This morning, no ferns. Nothing. My hopes of success are therefore not high for this month.

Next month we will try from the day the ferning starts to show until it disappears. As far as I understood the microscope should show transitional ferning, then full ferning and then back to transitional once ovulation tapers off.

Weird. At least it ferned though, which means I am ovulating. That is a good thing.

Ferning!

For the first time since I've had my microscope it ferned fully this morning. Yay! Sexy time for us this weekend! Super chuffed with my microscope. Let's hope it yields the desired results :) full weekend update on Monday.

Transitional

I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.

Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.

I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.

Speaking of loving Rudi...

...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.

The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Amber's Antics

She looks like a little angel doesn't she? Well she's not all the time! Peacefully taking a nap next to us on the couch yesterday evening...but this morning at around 4:30, she was howling like a banshee. I practically had to roll Rudi out of bed to go and break it up. He thought that hissing from bed would help, but the wailing continued and eventually he got up. Amber has a big scratch on her nose. I'm worried the neighbours might complain, but there are a lot of cats in the neighbourhood and hopefully they can't pin point the noise to Amber.

Last night we went to visit Sarah and Brad in their new place. It's quite a nice place they have. It's so strange that they are finally on their own. It almost feels like they are house sitting for someone and that it's not quite real. They are really happy and we are really happy for them. We took a bottle of champagne to celebrate and had quite a nice evening.

There's no ferning on my microscope yet, but Rudi observed this morning that the pattern is becoming more dense. He estimates it will fern by the weekend, Monday the latest he says. I must say, even though he was not keen on me purchasing the microscope he has taken quite an interest in monitoring what it is doing. I think it's the first time since we have actively been trying to conceive again that he has speculated as to when I would be ovulating. Very cool!

The Plot Thickens

So an interesting development has occurred with Fence. I'm not sure if it's just temporary, but he seems to be avoiding Rudi. Rudi has sent him messages about going fishing on Saturday morning and has tried to call him a couple of times and he just doesn't answer.

Rudi jokingly says that he is afraid of me and doesn't want to face me. I find this strange as he wanted to speak to me last time Rudi was there (when I refused the invitation). This leaves me to wonder whether or not there is more to this story than meets the eye. Was I or my behaviour a scape goat for Fence not wanting to be friends with Rudi anymore? Why avoid him now? Rudi said he never told him that I was willing to meet and discuss things and he still went fishing with Rudi after everything had happened. What would give Fence the impression that he would have to face me now? He should still be under the impression that I do not want to see him. The plot thickens my dear readers. The plot thickens.

With all of these assumptions above, I might as well continue while I'm on a roll. Does this mean that I am not the wicked witch in the story? Does this mean that my 'attitude' or 'bad behaviour' has been exaggerated or blown out of proportion by someone to use for their own personal endeavours? I'll leave that for you to decide, because I really cannot say.

All I know is that Fence would usually promptly respond to Rudi's messages and phone calls as he was always eager to get together with him and something seems to have changed. Maybe he is really busy. Maybe this is just temporary. We'll have to wait it out and see.

I'm started showing Rudi my ovulation microscope results. Apparently the microscope is a great motivator for men. I am totally excited to see it 'fern' although that could take a week or two.

Another thing I have not mentioned before, but feel needs to be mentioned (as it is rather a big part of my life) is that I have made the bestest friend online. She really has been a wonderful support to me and listens to me moan, bitch, cry and laugh on a daily basis (yes, sometimes all my personalities come out). We've probably been talking every single day for the past few months. We communicate via e-mail when we're at work and when we're at home or on the road we MMS and SMS each other. We share basic everyday things with each other, we basically share our lives. The only drawback to this friendship is that it is a long distance one. My friend lives in Port Elizabeth and in case you don't remember I live in Cape Town. Being the clever girls we are, we have formulated a plan. At the end of May we have a weekend away planned in George (roughly halfway between Port Elizabeth and Cape Town). We're SO excited and have also practically already paid for the accommodation. Nellie (as she will be called on my blog) is heavily pregnant at the moment. By the time we finally meet her Creature (as so called by her) will be about 6 weeks old. Nellie also has the most amazing husband. A soft spoken darling of a man. She is very lucky! Nellie's husband will be known as Goliath when I refer to him in future.

Nellie really is a wonderful friend. She is very supportive and encouraging. It was her that sent me the eating plan I'm following. She's following my cycles on her calendars. She's keeping track of my weight loss...(she's cool like that). I suddenly can't remember what I did without her. We've become so involved in each other's lives that our families know about us and ask about how we're doing. i.e. Her mom will ask how I'm doing or if I am also watching 7de Laan if her phone beeps during the programme. It's actually phenomenal.

I cannot WAIT to go to George!

Ovulation Microscope

So yesterday after work I excitedly went to Dischem to purchase my ovulation microscope. To my disappointment, they didn't have any! I had a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn't, but I was still disappointed. They recommended I go to M-Kem. I didn't really want to get it there as they are usually very overpriced, but I also had a prescription to fill and the queue at Dischem was VERY long. As I was standing in the queue at M-Kem I spied the ovulation microscope in the aisle I was waiting in! Right there! The last one! R370.00 later I owned my own ovulation microscope:



It really is amazing how it works. It's so simple it's scary. Much less complicated than charting your temperatures, I can tell you that! What is also great about it is that I can get up to go to the loo in the morning at any time I need to without worrying about first doing this test - as I would have to when charting my temperature. The microscope is literally a microscope which is the roughly the size and shape of a lipstick in which you can see how your saliva dries. Apparently when you are ovulating the pattern made by your saliva is different from when you are not ovulating. Here is the explanation of how it works. Thanks for the link angel.

I tested it out this morning and true as Bob I saw the 'not fertile' pattern. I can't wait to see it 'fern'! I'm completely into the CSI aspect of this. I <3 CSI!

On a side note we stopped at a shop yesterday and Rudi won me a horsie at one of those claw machines. It's so sweet and it makes galloping and neighing noises and everything! He's so cute when he does things like this for me. Although...since he's a dude and everything I'm sure it had more to do with the fact that shopping wasn't his bag and he wanted to play a 'game' rather :)

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It's such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I'm losing weight and it's great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I've been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I'm trying not even to think about it as 'dieting' for 'weight loss'. I'm trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK...so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other's doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time's sake. It was a lot of fun - just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I'm really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she's very happy with the place they have found. Who knows...maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this...but you never know!

I've managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I'm feeling really good about that too. I'm going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.