Weekend So Far

Failed at sleeping late this morning. I freaking hate when that happens. I can *only* sleep late on a Saturday because I have church on Sunday mornings and next weekend I'm working *sigh* I HATE working weekends.

We went to go watch Harry Potter with Leebeesa today. I really enjoyed the movie. I cried snot and trane at the end, but since I had read the book I expected as much.

My domain is live and my template is being worked on. I hope to launch my site next week some time. All depends on how long it takes to get the template the way I like it. I finally got my photos scanned in and mailed them off to my template designer to add in. It's going to be much easier to see how my site is going to look once the photos are also in. This will also probably help him to design as he'll get a better idea of the colours and things that are involved. I'm SO excited!

Tomorrow I'll be seeing my second cousin, Carmen, for the first time since December. She's come over from the UK to visit. I don't know if she'll be here this year December. I expect not. I'm bought her some Body Thrills and rumour has it she has brought baby gifts!

Speaking of which:



Gifts from Aunty Leebeesa :)



A baby grow and dummy I bought (both Eeyore :))

Anyway...Off to watch another movie with Rudi...on the couch this time.

+/-0kg

OK. So I cheated a little with my weigh in this morning. When I first stepped on the scale it said I had gained 1.2kg. I refused to believe it and got on again. +600g. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. I weighed like 5 times consecutively and 3 out of those 5 it said no gain, no loss. I think that wins, OK?

I really wish the side effects of the cortisone injection I got would go away. I'm still suffering from insomnia, wake up with heartburn every morning and am starving ALL THE TIME. I'm hungry right now. I had a slice of toast at around 6AM. It's 2 hours and 10 minutes later and I feel like I haven't eaten for an entire day. It's SO difficult because I'm trying to avoid eating so that I don't screw up my weight loss, but I'm HUNGRY! The doctor also warned that I might retain water. Yesterday I drank my full water quota (1.5 litres) and I only went to the loo twice. That's unusual, so it must still be hanging around somewhere in my body. Although...I totally have PMS so weight gain, water retention and hunger all come along with that as well.

Also, my left wrist is really sore. When I had German measles in 2007 all my joints ached so that I could barely walk. Sometimes my ankles still hurt, but since yesterday its been my left wrist. It's difficult to lift things and stuff. Plus my muscles in my back are starting to ache like they did before and I'm kind of worried that I'm getting sick again. Maybe I'm still getting better. Who knows?

I still need to decide where to get my tattoo. I thought I had decided to put it under the butterfly I already have, but quite a few people have said they don't think that's a good idea. My (conservative) grandfather included! My grandfather feels that it is a commemorative tattoo and if the intention is that I am to be reminded of James that I should have it somewhere where I can see it. He suggested the inside of my arm, but I'm not fond of that. I told him that I had considered having it done on my wrist and he thought that a good idea. Sarah also suggested my wrist, as did Leebeesa. Consensus seems to be that it would be a good place to have it. Rudi didn't like the idea at first, but conceded last night that it would be a good spot. Wenchy recently had a Yin Yang symbol tattooed on her wrist so I asked her how much it hurt...apparently it hurts a lot. *shrug* I suppose it can't be worse than induced labour.

3 more sleeps till George!

Emo

I feel so emo today. It’s not anybody’s fault. I suppose it’s just a culmination of things that have made me feel distraught and inconsolable.

I had the day off work today. The Company was nice enough to make allowance for us to observe Ascension Day today. Last night Rudi went to play darts. I asked him very nicely not to wake me when he got home as I am already having trouble sleeping and would have taken my second last sleeping tablet. I didn’t know if I would be able to get back to sleep if I was disturbed. He woke me up anyway.

This morning I went to church, after which my grandmother picked up My Evil Mother for work and we went off to the supermarket where I bought some things to make a nice dinner for Rudi. I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes this afternoon, but my much needed nap was rudely interrupted by a phone call from work which I rejected. The damage was done though.

Shortly after this my grandfather called. He had gone for another colonoscopy today. It was a routine check up after his operation last year in which they removed about 10 centimeters of his colon. They found an abnormality. They took a sample and have sent it away for testing. It could be more cancer. It seems I will need to start facing the fact that my grandfather is not going to be with us much longer. I never expected it to turn out this way. My Oupa was meant to be around to see my baby.

At some stage during the day I was looking for something for heartburn – one of the many tablets I’m taking at the moment seems to cause it. While shuffling through our cupboards I came across the positive pregnancy test I had taken last year, like I wasn’t feeling sad enough already. The longing for a baby has been coming back rather strongly lately, very strongly. I can’t deny it anymore. As hard is it seems to be to just get pregnant, other negative thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Getting pregnant is only half the battle won; there are still a million things that could go wrong after conception has taken place. You have to get pregnant first though…and that seems to be proving much more time consuming that I would have liked.

So to distract myself I set about cooking supper. I made some chicken, roast vegetables and baby potatoes with garlic butter. Elaborate for me. Rudi usually cooks, but seeing as how I was at home I thought I would treat him. Rudi came home on time and upon seeing the meal I prepared for him he looked at me expectantly and said ‘What’s for pudding?’

Snap. That did it.

I went from zero to bitch in 0.2 seconds.

I just feel like crying. I’m still exhausted. My sleeping tablets are finished. Turns out they’re a schedule 5 drug and the doctor was not in today for me to call to ask for a script. I lay in Rudi’s arms for a while and cried a bit. He hates it when I cry. It frustrates him. He’s never really known how to handle it properly. He asked what the matter is, but the truth is I don’t want to talk about it. I would just start crying and that would just make him feel more helpless. He can’t fix it. He can’t say anything to make it better. He can’t change it.
I find that when I am in dire emotional need I have friends that are there for me. Friends, who are willing to help and do almost anything, Leebeesa for instance, when I was in hospital last year I swear I could have asked her for anything and she would have been prepared to do it, the problem is, when you’re THAT down and out, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can make things better. This is no fault of theirs. You’re inconsolable. That’s simply what it is to be inconsolable.

Lately I find that the internet has been a great source of comfort for me. My blog: an outlet like no other. Twitter, a stream of consciousness, constant support and people who care. Your Parenting Community…wonderful women on there. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if I didn’t have these people and these things in my life.

I do not know if I would have made it. Thank you, every single person who has reached out to me, who has acknowledged me…who has spared me a gesture, a thought, a comment, a prayer, a tweet, a call or an SMS. Even if you are only reading this, I might not have been able to blog today had it not been for YOU.

+400g

Yeah, OK. I know I'm getting fatter and I know I'm undoing all my hard work. I seriously need to get back on to the bandwagon and start eating well and excercising again. This is utter nonsense! I have to get my ass into gear.

On another note of vanity, Rudi has suggested that I ditch my blonde locks and got back to my natural colour (which he has never seen, other than my roots sticking out). I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't really have pictures of the 3 months stint in which I had dark hair...so I can't put up pictures for you to decide. The blonde suits me, it really does...but it's a bitch to maintain and to keep looking nice all the time. Even now I feel like my roots are getting out of hand.

So - question is: Blonde or brunette? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!

I promised pictures of my gifts from Leebeesa. I figured if I was going to wait till I take them with my proper camera it could take a while, so I snapped a few pics so you could see:



Tulip bulbs



Hand painted bowl



Flashing rubber ducky (this duck flashes different colour lights and is for the baby that is yet to come)



Butterfly earrings


Thank you Leebeesa for the lovely gifts! I hope I manage to cultivate the tulips!

Ovulating - ACK!

So...the ovulation pain I'm experiencing this month is ridiculous! I was *so* sore last night that I had to stay home from church. Normal movements hurt! How am I supposed to forget about getting pregnant when my body is screaming at me that it is time to try? We haven't. Tried, that is. I checked my ovulation microscope this morning. I shouldn't have, but I did. To make sure this wretched pain is due to ovulation and nothing else. Urgh. You know this doesn't happen when you're on the pill. Rudi seems to be excited by the fact that I am in excrutiating pain and has decided it's time to make hay while the sun is shining. He doesn't seem to understand that bouncing around is only going to add to my discomfort...but he has a point, doesn't he? How do you expect to magically get pregnant without actually...well...doing what it takes?

I'm really excited about an order I want to place. I'm going to have to keep it on the down low since it involves a certain someone that reads my blog - but I'm excited!

In case you were wondering, work has slowed down somewhat. It's much more manageable now, but still busy.

Leebeesa brought me some gifts from her trip overseas. I'll post some photos ASAP. I want to take photos with my actual camera as cell phone pics often do not do them justice.

Gotta run!

Hard Work and Stuff

Sjoe. I worked *very* hard yesterday. We're understaffed it seems, although the general perception seems to be that we can handle it. I leave work at 16:00 (I start at 07:00), usually I have 20 minutes or so at the end of the day to unwind, check e-mail or whatever. Yesterday I finished my work at 15:59. I really had to rush. It was horrible. I don't really feel that each query gets the attention it needs when we're so pressured, but hey. I'm doing the best I can!

Leebeesa is currently on holiday. She went to Holland, UK and Ireland. Yesterday she went to visit St. Patrick's Cathedral and she wrote James' name down in the prayer book there. That was so sweet of her. When she sent me a message to tell me about it I cried. Special.

Other than that it seems that it's going to be another busy day at work. No time to write long blog entries today.

TGIF tomorrow...I can't wait for my weekend off.