Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin's blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process...he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I'd ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I'm sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn't have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can't even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother...I don't even KNOW what I'm going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi's parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her...but it won't be what *I* had and I don't think it's selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

The Spider

*shudder*

The weekend has been quite chilled out. On Friday we went to a colleague's birthday and I had quite a good time. Even dared the dance floor with no drinks in me! I could hardly believe it!

The entire Saturday was spent vegging. It was just what I needed. Today Rudi joined me for church (a rare treat) and we spent lunch at his parents house to celebrate Father's Day.

We were chilling on the couch this evening. I had just woken up from a nap, just in time to catch Friday's episode of 7de Laan which I had missed when Rudi asked me to leave the room with him. I resisted as I was trying to watch TV and enjoying some chocolate, but he persisted and he led me out of the room by my hand. Cool as a cucumber. Once out of the lounge he told me there was a huge spider against the wall. Not believing him I went to have a look and this is what I saw:




If you enlarge the first picture you will see the reflection of the flash in the spider's eye.

Rudi and I are both terrified of spiders. I was standing squealing and Rudi was trying to calm me, not knowing what to do. I called Bradley, thinking 'he's a manly man', but his advice was to spray it with bug spray and smack it with a shoe once it moved. I didn't want to do that. Then I remembered my grandfather often caught rain spiders where they live and they don't live too far away. I gave him a call and he said he'd be right over.

He caught it in a jar within seconds and has taken it home to release in their garden. My hero!

Here are some more pics I took, some with a tea light candle for perspective. My grandfather says it's still a baby. I don't want to know where daddy and mommy are.






To quote a funny and informative article about rain spiders from IOL:

"...plunge households into turmoil through arguments over who is going to remove them, reducing strapping alpha males into Tupperware-clutching wrecks."

I think I need a shower to wash the creep off me. *shudder*

No Survivor?

[rant] I'm majorly peeved at SABC3 for not having any Survivor on last night! It's the highlight of my Monday evenings and they took it away from me! What for? Cricket! Look, I have no problem with cricket, but it wasn't even as if South Africa was playing! It was Sri Lanka against Australia if I'm not mistaken. Not interested. There should be no reason to take Survivor off TV. Ever. [/rant]

Anyway...I have lots of work to do, so I best not be farting around. I found my grandfather's birthday present, but had to make sure he could use it. He wanted a pair of headphones that he could use to watch TV while my grandmother sleeps (he sleeps very little usually), but he has an ancient TV which doesn't even have fittings for headphones!

I figured out though that he can play the TV through the auxillary and plug the headphones in there. I saw a really nice cordless pair at Game for R400.00. He's going to love it!

My Evil Mother and Grandfather updates

So. Great news! My grandfather's colon is cancer free. He is so elated by this news that he is even considering another round of chemo instead of the operation on his liver. The chemo will make him very ill, but he feels he will still be able to work when he is having chemo whereas he will be off work for a full month if he has the operation to remove the cancer from his liver. He'll be seeing a specialist in about a week to discuss his options and take things from there.

I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate his health, their 47 year wedding anniversary, his birthday (which is on the 13th of June) and to thank him for looking after Amber while we were away. We had a nice quiet dinner. It was lovely.

My Evil Mother is up to her old tricks. Her husband let it slip that my aunt could afford to 'lose her pension' as she works from home. Just goes to show what they must have been scheming about. My aunt's pension, which she worked hard for. My Evil Mother is still living with my aunt and uncle, although her husband was kicked out after one too many drunken tantrums at all hours of the morning. She tried to get him back in with promises of money (seeing as how they don't pay rent or contribute in any way) and some luxury food items. Luckily, for once, my uncle stood firm and kept by his decision. My Evil Mother has been hell to live with ever since. Rudi could not believe the way My Evil Mother spoke to my uncle in his own house. If My Evil Mother is really that desperate to be with her husband, then she should go and stay with him and his mother. My Evil Mother has told us horror stories of how his mother is evil and how she is an alcoholic. I think the actual story is that she is much more demanding about incoming contributions and them pulling their weight than my aunt and uncle are.

My Evil Mother *loves* throwing our religion/beliefs in our faces. She'll often say things like 'God doesn't sleep' - she seems totally oblivious to the fact that the same applies to her. Sometimes it's funny, but for people like my grandfather and my uncle who both hold ministries within the church the guilt trip she takes them along for is often effective. Last Wednesday in church she went as far as to keep her communion wafer and to shove it in my uncle's hand after church saying 'You need it more than I do'. I cracked up when I heard this. I'm actually quite sure my uncle - who was giving her a lift home from church at the time, the selfish bastard - might have cracked up also. He has a good sense of humour. My grandparents on the other hand, didn't think it was funny.

It is beyond me that My Evil Mother is still a free woman. The amount of fraud she has committed...and I'm only aware of a portion of it...must be substantial. Her ethics have always come in to question where she was employed. Just recently she went to work for a company. She had been there for less than a week and was given the company credit card to buy coffee, tea and a few other office supplies. She ended up spending R2500.00 and buying clothes and shoes for her husband. WHO DOES THAT?!

Did I ever tell you that she faked her suicide once because I refused to draw R500.00 and 'lend' it to her? This was before my eyes opened to her ways and I was in a total panic. I even phoned the police. She came home with a total BS story that didn't even make sense about how she had parked her car on the side of one of the national roads and put a pipe from the exhaust into the window (nothing blocking the open gaps in the window to prevent ventilation - DUH), she also claimed the pipe and everything were already in the car. Some 'valiant' man pulled over, took her to hospital and paid the bill apparently. What a load of bull.

Anyway...

I'm working in another portfolio today. I hate this portfolio. More often than not the feedback I have to give customers is negative and they usually get angry. It's not a nice way to spend a day. I'm the only one in my team who hasn't had a turn yet, so by default I have to go over today. Suck!

+/-0kg

OK. So I cheated a little with my weigh in this morning. When I first stepped on the scale it said I had gained 1.2kg. I refused to believe it and got on again. +600g. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. I weighed like 5 times consecutively and 3 out of those 5 it said no gain, no loss. I think that wins, OK?

I really wish the side effects of the cortisone injection I got would go away. I'm still suffering from insomnia, wake up with heartburn every morning and am starving ALL THE TIME. I'm hungry right now. I had a slice of toast at around 6AM. It's 2 hours and 10 minutes later and I feel like I haven't eaten for an entire day. It's SO difficult because I'm trying to avoid eating so that I don't screw up my weight loss, but I'm HUNGRY! The doctor also warned that I might retain water. Yesterday I drank my full water quota (1.5 litres) and I only went to the loo twice. That's unusual, so it must still be hanging around somewhere in my body. Although...I totally have PMS so weight gain, water retention and hunger all come along with that as well.

Also, my left wrist is really sore. When I had German measles in 2007 all my joints ached so that I could barely walk. Sometimes my ankles still hurt, but since yesterday its been my left wrist. It's difficult to lift things and stuff. Plus my muscles in my back are starting to ache like they did before and I'm kind of worried that I'm getting sick again. Maybe I'm still getting better. Who knows?

I still need to decide where to get my tattoo. I thought I had decided to put it under the butterfly I already have, but quite a few people have said they don't think that's a good idea. My (conservative) grandfather included! My grandfather feels that it is a commemorative tattoo and if the intention is that I am to be reminded of James that I should have it somewhere where I can see it. He suggested the inside of my arm, but I'm not fond of that. I told him that I had considered having it done on my wrist and he thought that a good idea. Sarah also suggested my wrist, as did Leebeesa. Consensus seems to be that it would be a good place to have it. Rudi didn't like the idea at first, but conceded last night that it would be a good spot. Wenchy recently had a Yin Yang symbol tattooed on her wrist so I asked her how much it hurt...apparently it hurts a lot. *shrug* I suppose it can't be worse than induced labour.

3 more sleeps till George!

Emo

I feel so emo today. It’s not anybody’s fault. I suppose it’s just a culmination of things that have made me feel distraught and inconsolable.

I had the day off work today. The Company was nice enough to make allowance for us to observe Ascension Day today. Last night Rudi went to play darts. I asked him very nicely not to wake me when he got home as I am already having trouble sleeping and would have taken my second last sleeping tablet. I didn’t know if I would be able to get back to sleep if I was disturbed. He woke me up anyway.

This morning I went to church, after which my grandmother picked up My Evil Mother for work and we went off to the supermarket where I bought some things to make a nice dinner for Rudi. I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes this afternoon, but my much needed nap was rudely interrupted by a phone call from work which I rejected. The damage was done though.

Shortly after this my grandfather called. He had gone for another colonoscopy today. It was a routine check up after his operation last year in which they removed about 10 centimeters of his colon. They found an abnormality. They took a sample and have sent it away for testing. It could be more cancer. It seems I will need to start facing the fact that my grandfather is not going to be with us much longer. I never expected it to turn out this way. My Oupa was meant to be around to see my baby.

At some stage during the day I was looking for something for heartburn – one of the many tablets I’m taking at the moment seems to cause it. While shuffling through our cupboards I came across the positive pregnancy test I had taken last year, like I wasn’t feeling sad enough already. The longing for a baby has been coming back rather strongly lately, very strongly. I can’t deny it anymore. As hard is it seems to be to just get pregnant, other negative thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Getting pregnant is only half the battle won; there are still a million things that could go wrong after conception has taken place. You have to get pregnant first though…and that seems to be proving much more time consuming that I would have liked.

So to distract myself I set about cooking supper. I made some chicken, roast vegetables and baby potatoes with garlic butter. Elaborate for me. Rudi usually cooks, but seeing as how I was at home I thought I would treat him. Rudi came home on time and upon seeing the meal I prepared for him he looked at me expectantly and said ‘What’s for pudding?’

Snap. That did it.

I went from zero to bitch in 0.2 seconds.

I just feel like crying. I’m still exhausted. My sleeping tablets are finished. Turns out they’re a schedule 5 drug and the doctor was not in today for me to call to ask for a script. I lay in Rudi’s arms for a while and cried a bit. He hates it when I cry. It frustrates him. He’s never really known how to handle it properly. He asked what the matter is, but the truth is I don’t want to talk about it. I would just start crying and that would just make him feel more helpless. He can’t fix it. He can’t say anything to make it better. He can’t change it.
I find that when I am in dire emotional need I have friends that are there for me. Friends, who are willing to help and do almost anything, Leebeesa for instance, when I was in hospital last year I swear I could have asked her for anything and she would have been prepared to do it, the problem is, when you’re THAT down and out, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can make things better. This is no fault of theirs. You’re inconsolable. That’s simply what it is to be inconsolable.

Lately I find that the internet has been a great source of comfort for me. My blog: an outlet like no other. Twitter, a stream of consciousness, constant support and people who care. Your Parenting Community…wonderful women on there. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if I didn’t have these people and these things in my life.

I do not know if I would have made it. Thank you, every single person who has reached out to me, who has acknowledged me…who has spared me a gesture, a thought, a comment, a prayer, a tweet, a call or an SMS. Even if you are only reading this, I might not have been able to blog today had it not been for YOU.

My grandfather is dying...

So it seems I might have misunderstood my grandfather somewhat. Apparently he has 6 - 12 months to live whether or not the cancer has spread to his lungs. The doctors say he'll need to have two major surgeries in which they remove the pieces of his liver that are infected and two more rounds of chemo. Apparently they'll cut right across his chest to operate on his liver and of course he refuses the chemo. He would rather not live at all as chemo really negates your quality of life. I try my best not to think about it...it's very upsetting. My grandfather has been the constant in my life. My role model. My father. He means the world to me. He asked me the other day what I am going to buy him for his last birthday *sigh*

I cannot wrap my mind around my grandfather not being around. What will happen to my grandmother? My grandfather said he is in the process of making provision for her. He still hasn't updated his will, which he needs to do to ensure My Evil Mother does not rob the rest of the family...again.

I'm still not trying to conceive. I considered it again...taking this new information into account...but I am *so* much happier since I've stopped obsessing about it that I simply cannot go back. I would be stupid to submit myself to such torture. It really was getting bad for me. I'm not simply referring to sexy time being scheduled and losing it's lustre. Emotionally it is path I have chosen to step away from and I need to stick to that choice. We're still not trying to prevent pregnancy...and it does still move to the forefront of my mind. It also does not help being surrounded by so many pregnant women, but that is something that is out of my control. It will happen eventually. I just need to be patient.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm dreading it. Rudi has been badgering me to go back to exercising and eating right and I have conceded that we should do so, but we're just not getting around to it.

Work is beckoning me. I can't ignore it anymore...no matter how hard I try!

Almost Debt Free...

I saw my grandfather at church last night and no phone call yet. No news is good news in this case. I think it's so unfair that they didn't at least let him know by when he can expect a call. If he had known that he would know by Friday for instance and no call came, he could be relieved. Now we don't even know whether or not they have really checked.

Personally I feel really good. A policy of mine paid out (I cancelled it in favour of better cover) and I've used the money to pay off my credit card that yields the highest interest and paid a massive R2000 towards the pathologist bill. Next month is a bonus month and I intend to settle the straight facility of my other credit card and the pathologist bill (depending on the balance). I will then officially be debt free, spare the TV we just bought and my car. Not bad considering 3 years ago I was up to my eye balls in debt thanks to My Evil Mother. Of course I had a few small debts of my own, but the majority of the debt was made for/by My Evil Mother. I struggled to make monthly payments and had to cash in another savings policy just to keep my head above water. Now I even have savings! I've never had saving in my life. Financial freedom is wonderful. Being able to buy something your heart desires, because you can afford it...priceless.

I will be on leave for the next week, so I won't be blogging. I know you'll miss me. WA HA HA HA. I've already exceeded my data bundle on my phone so I won't be connecting from home. I suspect my laptop is downloading stuff it shouldn't be when I connect which is why it is chowing through my bundle. I must remember to download an anti-virus programme today and run it at home.

I'll still be on Twitter and Facebook for those who speak to me there.

UPDATE:

I've just requested some extra bundle, in case I *need* to blog :)

Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:



After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!

You'll remember our TV used to look like this:



Now it looks like this:



Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.

Stuck.

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)

Absenteeism

Howdy. I know I've been gone for a while, but I've been enjoying a little leave with Rudi. I'll be back to work and full time blogging on Wednesday.

While I'm uploading photos to Facebook I have a little time to recap on what's been happening lately. [Facebook is giving me the world's trouble. I'll post links once it allows me to upload]

Rudi and I have been enjoying some time together in the last few days of our leave. We've enjoyed sleeping late and spending quality time together. We had the family over for a braai (BBQ) on the 6th of January as it was my grandmother's birthday. My Evil Mother and Coke Head did not come. Interesting story. On Christmas Eve the entire family was here to celebrate, My Evil Mother and Coke Head included. Rudi had a few drinks and Coke Head joined him. Apparently Coke Head proceeded to go out drinking after everyone had left and only came home on Boxing Day (26 December), missing Christmas lunch with his new wife. This led to the decision that they would not join us again as 'Rudi is a bad influence' on My Evil Mother's husband...according to her. I missed the part where Rudi was pouring the alcohol down the throat of this grown man...or the missing two days...not sure what Rudi had to do with that since he was with me. Stupid woman.

The next day Angel, Glugster and Knucklehead came over for another braai. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at a braai. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the company and the wine ;o) Rudi also gets on really well with Glugster and Angel and I never ran out of things to talk about. We really had an awesome evening.

On Friday we took a drive out to Franshoek and ended up having a lovely, relaxed lunch. On our way home we stopped off at Anura wine farm where we did some wine tasting. We left with one of the most expensive bottles of wine they had (Rudi's choice), wine glasses, biltong, Brie and some Camembert (the cheeses were going for R5.00 - I couldn't resist).

Yesterday we went up Table Mountain. I haven't been since I was 15 and really wanted to go up this year while we were on holiday. We had stunning weather. We went up quite late as we wanted to catch the special they're currently having. When we arrived it seemed like a lost cause. The queues were terribly long...we did end up waiting for about an hour, but the views were so spectacular and listening to the people around us made time fly. Going up with the cable car was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, although I did shy away from the open parts of the cable car when the floor rotated me that way. I generally have a fear of heights, but seeing as how the cable car can carry over 5 tons, I felt safe. The drive up the mountain was a different story though. My fear of car accidents and heights combined always sends me into a panic on a mountain pass. We watched the sun set over the sea. It was beautiful. The views from up there are absolutely breathtaking.

Today I'm finally going for the back and neck massage that my landlady gave me as a gift, I decided to throw in a pedicure. There's no time like the present to spoil yourself :) Rudi will also be going for a back and neck massage. Tomorrow we will most likely just spend the day chilling together...perhaps even go out somewhere.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I really enjoyed this leave and feel quite rested.

My grandfather has completed his last chemo session and is currently recovering from that. He should be fine in a week or so. He says he will not go through chemo again. He would rather let cancer take his life. Its heartbreaking for me, but I understand where he is coming from. Going through chemo is hell. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm glad it is over for him. Finally. This milestone for him was often compared to the milestone I was reaching. James would have been born in about two months. Having to start all over sucks. It's that time of the month where I'm playing the waiting game and wondering anxiously whether our plan for conception has worked. My cycle is due to start on Wednesday. So the waiting begins...

Hello 2009

My letter to this year:

Dearest 2009

I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches - that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through 'circumstances' to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don't pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is - you might want to ask him.

Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I'll do my best.

Warm Regards

acidicice

I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven't really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.

2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.

When I was younger I often asked myself the question "How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?". I may have been of a woman's age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a 'grown up' now and will be exposed to all the crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I've been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time - but adulthood has become very real to me recently.

I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.

I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.

Christmas is sneaking up on us...

A colleague of mine told me this morning her doctor told her it takes 6 weeks for your body to recover from a pregnancy. So I can only assume that my uterus is aching because it's squeezing back into my pelvis. I wish I could tell it not to bother since I'm hoping it will move back up again soon! (Sorry guy readers, if there are any of you. I'm sure you just love hearing about my uterus)

Rudi seems to be hell bent on my uterus migrating upwards as well. Either that or he is eating oysters on the sly. He has been really frisky of late...I almost want to tell him to save it for when the time is right...but I'm not even sure when that is, so I might as well enjoy indulging him.

My grandfather has decided he wants a denim shirt for Christmas. I really hope I can find one for him. It's difficult finding something that isn't exactly in fashion. I'm going to buy my grandmother the floorwiz mop. She still uses an old spaghetti mop and it's really bad for her back which she already needs further surgery on (which she refuses to go for). My grandfather promised to help her mop the floors if she has a decent mop.

My landlady has left colour samples in our post box (I only received the mail this morning, so I haven't seen them yet) and is sending someone out to do a quotation tomorrow while the housekeeper is there. I can't wait to see the colours she has chosen. I hope these quotations mean they're coming to paint soon!

I better pull finger and go and work!

A little bit of everything

Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.

We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.

The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!

Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.

I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.

I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.

My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.

Weekend

So I had a rough day on Friday. After receiving the photos at work I broke down and asked my supervisor if I could leave early. At the beginning of the week both he and my manager said it was OK if I needed time off and I really did on Friday, although it always seems dodgy on a Friday doesn't it?

I went to my grandfather's house and went to view the photos there. I agree with My Evil Mother and grandmother that it looks like it would have been a boy. I feel a certain peace about that, because I was unsure. My family and the doctors were giving me conflicting information and this confused me even more. For all I know girls look like that at some stage too (hence the doctor's hesitance to say), but to all of us it seems that the baby was a boy. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He would have been a handsome fellow. I was very torn up after viewing the photos and had the support of my family.

Friday evening we picked up my cousin (she's visiting from London) and we had a very chilled out evening together. Yesterday when we took her back we ended up spending a lot of time with the family which was nice. We bought two pedestals from my cousin for our bedroom and her mother gave us a really nice painting which fits in perfectly with my bedroom's colour scheme. When we got home I was inspired to move the entire room around and once I've sanded down my dressing table and white washed it to match the pedestals our room is going to look really nice. I hope we get this done...you know how a person ends up procrastinating and never completing something like this. Our room looks much less empty and bare now. It kind of looked like any other room with a bed, but there was no character. It's developing that now and that makes me happy.

Today we have a family braai (BBQ). It's become tradition since my cousin has left for overseas for us to have one big get together while she is here so that the entire family gets to see her. I'm going to leave work now and we'll head over that way. I'm quite looking forward to it.

I'm having an OK day today. We'll take the baby pictures with as the family are curious to see. My Evil Mother has also requested to see them and I am torn. I want her to see them, he was after all her grandchild too, but I don't want her to have a copy of them. I'm afraid she might show them to other people - perhaps even claiming the baby was hers to get sympathy and attention. I know it's a horrible thought, but I would put nothing past her. Perhaps I should go and visit and take my laptop with to show her, then I wouldn't need to print them out or save them on an external device. I feel sorry for her in some capacity at the moment. She feels extremely left out of this huge event that has happened in my life, because I left her out. She was emotionally and financially unavailable to me when she was putting me through hell - now I'm going through hell again without her, because I have learnt I do not need her. I have enough other family to love and support me, although I don't know what I would have done without my grandparents. I want to buy them big Christmas presents this year, because they deserve it. Even if that means I'm broke until the end of January.

My grandfather popped on yesterday morning and saw my cousin for the first time. He told her that I've been so brave and that he is very proud of me. I wanted to cry. I am so proud of him for what he is going through with his treatment at the moment. Why do we not tell the people we love how we feel? Why didn't he say this to me? Why haven't I told him that I am proud of him? We tend to tell other people the good things about the people in our lives, despite them needing to hear it most.

I think everyone should make a concerted effort to tell their loved ones, friends and colleagues about the things they do right. I'm going to do try and do this while I am counting my blessings and not taking things for granted.

Dark clouds and illness

I spent the entire day alone yesterday for the first time since we found out that there was something wrong with our baby. It wasn't easy. I broke down at some point and felt like the walls were closing in. I wanted to run. Instead I took a shower, washed and dried my hair. I still didn't feel better, but fell asleep. Sleep is a wonderful escape. Now that my hormones are not going crazy I'm not dreaming so much anymore. I'm sure the sleeping pills the doctor gave me aren't hurting either.

I think I have a cold or the flu or something. My throat has been extremely sore since Sunday, I've been coughing, my ears are blocked and sore and my nose is blocked. Luckily I am already booked off work, but I wish that could focus this time on mourning and grieving instead of focusing on all these physical issues. Maybe my emotions are manifesting themselves physically, since the gravity of everything hit me on Saturday for the first time. I know that happens with Rudi.

Our church is having a family day at Ratanga Junction on Saturday. Rudi has never been and begged me to get tickets. He wanted to go while he was on leave at the end of the year and I would have had to stay home. I'm pretty sure pregnant ladies aren't allowed to go on all those rides...but now I can go with him. I'm just hoping that I feel better by that time and that I'm not still sick.

My cousin, Carmie arrives from London on Saturday for her yearly visit home. I'm excited to see her. While she was in South Africa we didn't see much of each other, but somehow since she's left to live and work overseas I want to see more of her. Always wanting what I can't have I guess. My goodness I'm dying for something sweet to eat...

I better start getting ready. My grandfather has gone for his chemo drip again today and he's picking me up on his way home. He's been dreading it for days. I wish there was something I could do to help him feel better. I suppose I can only spend time with him and let him know I'm there if he needs me <3

Speaking of love, I love my husband now more than I ever have. This whole thing has brought us closer together and opened up a new level of communication for us. I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!

Grandfather

My grandfather called me with more bad news this morning. The doctor thinks he might be diabetic as well. He had a sugar reading of 11 this morning - your sugar is supposed to be around 5 or 6. He is going for a glucose tolerancy test tomorrow. His brother also had diabetes so it is in the family.

He feels like his whole world is crumbling around him. Last year when I had a routine blood screening done and the doctor told me I had to come for the test I burst into tears at the prospect of being diabetic. I can't imagine how my grandfather must feel with the cancer and now this. I told him that I had been for the test last year and what it involved (my test came up clear by the way) and I told him to keep his chin up. Everything that is being tossed at him is manageable. The cancer could be cut/chemo'ed away. Diabetes can be controlled with a good diet and exercise. He told me that he loves me very much and values my support more than I could imagine. He told me that just thinking of me makes him feel better. I nearly cried.

If there is a problem with his blood sugar it would explain why he is feeling tired and doesn't have an appetite.

My grandfather has lived a healthy life. He exercised regularly, ate a balanced diet and never smoked or drank. I can understand his frustration and his confusion as to why his health is suddenly such a huge issue for him. I pray his tests go well tomorrow. He really needs a break.

P.S. I am shocked, but not surprised that I have never used the tag 'exercise' before.

BLEUGH

I'm feeling crappy again today. Surprise! My tongue feels like a carpet and my stomach is giving me reason not to trust it. In part I am glad for the morning sickness since women that suffer from morning sickness are less likely to miscarry. So the nausea just proves that everything is as it should be. I guess I'll be nervous until I'm officially 12 weeks and in the 'safe zone'. On the other hand I'm really not in the mood to feel sick anymore. I'm totally done with this and I can only hope that it will go away when it is meant to.

I had a brief period of happiness and high spirits yesterday where I was feeling wonderful. One of my colleagues asked me what's up (obviously because they haven't seen me chirpy for quite some time)...I turned to him and said 'I'm glowing!'. He thought it was funny. I have a chocolate sitting waiting to be eaten on my desk but I don't have the stomach for it now.

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5kg since I've been pregnant. That's a bonus!

Speaking of bonus, it's our bonus month at work. I decided I'm going to spoil my grandmother with and expensive gift. I feel guilty sometimes because I sometimes feel like I favour my grandfather. His birthday gifts always seem to be more expensive and we spend more time together. She definitely deserves it! She has a heart of gold and is a wonderful, selfless person.

She's had more than one operation on her back and struggles to walk or stand for long periods. The doctors want her to exercise and lose weight so that she has less strain on her back, but she really struggles to do so. My grandfather loves going for walks, but can't take her along because after a few metres she is in pain. Their neighbour recently got a new walker and my grandfather really wants to get her one, but cannot afford it because of all his medical bills with the cancer now and him being off work for a month and not getting paid. Since I will be able to afford it this month I've decided to get her one. They look like this:



We're only getting paid on Monday. I can't wait to get it for her! I already found out where to buy it. I'm excited! I'm going to buy a big bow to put on it too!

Not much to report

The exam I wrote yesterday didn't go too badly. I felt I found a lot of the answers. I don't usually stress about tests and exams after I've written them since I can't change the outcome. I've generally been really good about that.

The baby is putting me through my paces again. I stopped taking the tablets that help for the nausea since I was feeling better. It's only once you stop taking them that you realize how much they actually help. I'm feeling like crap again this morning, but hoping they'll kick in and do what they're meant to soon.

We're going to visit Nina with Boogaloo this afternoon. Nina had a baby boy about a month ago. I'm looking forward to meeting him and spending time with a little baby. Get some practice in!

Tomorrow we're having a picnic for (Uncle) Steve since he's going back to Pretoria and he asked that we all get together one last time.

My grandfather is doing really well. I'm actually blogging from his place. Rudi and Crack Head wanted to come and fish in the dam here so I decided to come and spend some time with him.

Other than that not much to report. Hoping to have a nice relaxing weekend.