Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin's blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process...he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I'd ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I'm sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn't have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can't even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother...I don't even KNOW what I'm going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi's parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her...but it won't be what *I* had and I don't think it's selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

Birthdays and Movies

Today is My Evil Mother's birthday. Had my grandmother not reminded me in church yesterday morning I would have completely forgotten. That is how disconnected I am from her and her life. I suppose I should get her something. I feel obligated somehow. Not that I bought her something the last two years (just returning the favour since she hasn't bought me gifts for the past 5), but we exchanged gifts at Christmas and I guess this has set the ball rolling again. Her birthday is before mine, as luck would have it.

It's my birthday soon. I have no idea what to do. It's the second consecutive year that I am pregnant, so no drinking or partying for me. Rudi wanted to take me to The Mount where we had our wedding reception, which is a very sweet and romantic idea. I kind of feel like a restaurant would be a bit of a waste though since I'm suddenly very fussy about what I want to eat and risk throwing up my expensive meal or feeling like I want to throw it up. That kind of sucks the fun out of it.

Any suggestions for what I might do?

The weekend was not bad. I managed to scrape through without throwing up, but did feel nauseous most of the time. I managed to schedule in a nap on Saturday and Sunday...but I still didn't want to get up this morning.

Yesterday we went to Canal Walk to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D. I freaking HATE Canal Walk. It's a HUGE shopping center and we got lost trying to find the cinema. We were constantly consulting the maps and still feeling completely lost. The queues for popcorn were really long and Rudi barely made it in before the movie started. The movie was pretty cool. Ice Age seems to be one of those franchises that aren't deteriorating every time they release a movie. We had a good giggle at the fact that the "monster" in the movie was named Rudi :)

I'm really looking forward to watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Leebeesa next Sunday. The reviews are already sounding good!


************SPOILER ALERT****************

If you have not yet watched Knowing with Nicholas Cage and you don't wish to know how it ends, stop reading now. I warned you.

I really enjoyed the idea of the movie. I liked the 'puzzle' aspect of it...and the supernatural feeling it had to it...but then there were aliens. I'm not so much into sci-fi so didn't find that part interesting or well thought out in the least. Personally I don't think I could think of a better way to end it, but I think there was potential there for a fantastic ending. When I was under the impression that just the two main character's children were being taken I wondered about the inbred race they would spawn, so I was relieved to see other pods or spaceships or whatever taking off from the planet earth.

I liked the way they chose to end the world. BOOM.

I also found it a bit confusing when Caleb (son of Nicholas Cage's character) started writing down the numbers. This would lead me to believe that the numbers don't necessarily 'run out' and that he is perhaps predicting further events. I found that small part a little bit contradicting.

But I'm no movie critic! Let me know what you thought!

Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

Absenteeism

Howdy. I know I've been gone for a while, but I've been enjoying a little leave with Rudi. I'll be back to work and full time blogging on Wednesday.

While I'm uploading photos to Facebook I have a little time to recap on what's been happening lately. [Facebook is giving me the world's trouble. I'll post links once it allows me to upload]

Rudi and I have been enjoying some time together in the last few days of our leave. We've enjoyed sleeping late and spending quality time together. We had the family over for a braai (BBQ) on the 6th of January as it was my grandmother's birthday. My Evil Mother and Coke Head did not come. Interesting story. On Christmas Eve the entire family was here to celebrate, My Evil Mother and Coke Head included. Rudi had a few drinks and Coke Head joined him. Apparently Coke Head proceeded to go out drinking after everyone had left and only came home on Boxing Day (26 December), missing Christmas lunch with his new wife. This led to the decision that they would not join us again as 'Rudi is a bad influence' on My Evil Mother's husband...according to her. I missed the part where Rudi was pouring the alcohol down the throat of this grown man...or the missing two days...not sure what Rudi had to do with that since he was with me. Stupid woman.

The next day Angel, Glugster and Knucklehead came over for another braai. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at a braai. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the company and the wine ;o) Rudi also gets on really well with Glugster and Angel and I never ran out of things to talk about. We really had an awesome evening.

On Friday we took a drive out to Franshoek and ended up having a lovely, relaxed lunch. On our way home we stopped off at Anura wine farm where we did some wine tasting. We left with one of the most expensive bottles of wine they had (Rudi's choice), wine glasses, biltong, Brie and some Camembert (the cheeses were going for R5.00 - I couldn't resist).

Yesterday we went up Table Mountain. I haven't been since I was 15 and really wanted to go up this year while we were on holiday. We had stunning weather. We went up quite late as we wanted to catch the special they're currently having. When we arrived it seemed like a lost cause. The queues were terribly long...we did end up waiting for about an hour, but the views were so spectacular and listening to the people around us made time fly. Going up with the cable car was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, although I did shy away from the open parts of the cable car when the floor rotated me that way. I generally have a fear of heights, but seeing as how the cable car can carry over 5 tons, I felt safe. The drive up the mountain was a different story though. My fear of car accidents and heights combined always sends me into a panic on a mountain pass. We watched the sun set over the sea. It was beautiful. The views from up there are absolutely breathtaking.

Today I'm finally going for the back and neck massage that my landlady gave me as a gift, I decided to throw in a pedicure. There's no time like the present to spoil yourself :) Rudi will also be going for a back and neck massage. Tomorrow we will most likely just spend the day chilling together...perhaps even go out somewhere.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I really enjoyed this leave and feel quite rested.

My grandfather has completed his last chemo session and is currently recovering from that. He should be fine in a week or so. He says he will not go through chemo again. He would rather let cancer take his life. Its heartbreaking for me, but I understand where he is coming from. Going through chemo is hell. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm glad it is over for him. Finally. This milestone for him was often compared to the milestone I was reaching. James would have been born in about two months. Having to start all over sucks. It's that time of the month where I'm playing the waiting game and wondering anxiously whether our plan for conception has worked. My cycle is due to start on Wednesday. So the waiting begins...

Christmas is sneaking up on us...

A colleague of mine told me this morning her doctor told her it takes 6 weeks for your body to recover from a pregnancy. So I can only assume that my uterus is aching because it's squeezing back into my pelvis. I wish I could tell it not to bother since I'm hoping it will move back up again soon! (Sorry guy readers, if there are any of you. I'm sure you just love hearing about my uterus)

Rudi seems to be hell bent on my uterus migrating upwards as well. Either that or he is eating oysters on the sly. He has been really frisky of late...I almost want to tell him to save it for when the time is right...but I'm not even sure when that is, so I might as well enjoy indulging him.

My grandfather has decided he wants a denim shirt for Christmas. I really hope I can find one for him. It's difficult finding something that isn't exactly in fashion. I'm going to buy my grandmother the floorwiz mop. She still uses an old spaghetti mop and it's really bad for her back which she already needs further surgery on (which she refuses to go for). My grandfather promised to help her mop the floors if she has a decent mop.

My landlady has left colour samples in our post box (I only received the mail this morning, so I haven't seen them yet) and is sending someone out to do a quotation tomorrow while the housekeeper is there. I can't wait to see the colours she has chosen. I hope these quotations mean they're coming to paint soon!

I better pull finger and go and work!

A little bit of everything

Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.

We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.

The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!

Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.

I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.

I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.

My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.

Weekend

So I had a rough day on Friday. After receiving the photos at work I broke down and asked my supervisor if I could leave early. At the beginning of the week both he and my manager said it was OK if I needed time off and I really did on Friday, although it always seems dodgy on a Friday doesn't it?

I went to my grandfather's house and went to view the photos there. I agree with My Evil Mother and grandmother that it looks like it would have been a boy. I feel a certain peace about that, because I was unsure. My family and the doctors were giving me conflicting information and this confused me even more. For all I know girls look like that at some stage too (hence the doctor's hesitance to say), but to all of us it seems that the baby was a boy. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He would have been a handsome fellow. I was very torn up after viewing the photos and had the support of my family.

Friday evening we picked up my cousin (she's visiting from London) and we had a very chilled out evening together. Yesterday when we took her back we ended up spending a lot of time with the family which was nice. We bought two pedestals from my cousin for our bedroom and her mother gave us a really nice painting which fits in perfectly with my bedroom's colour scheme. When we got home I was inspired to move the entire room around and once I've sanded down my dressing table and white washed it to match the pedestals our room is going to look really nice. I hope we get this done...you know how a person ends up procrastinating and never completing something like this. Our room looks much less empty and bare now. It kind of looked like any other room with a bed, but there was no character. It's developing that now and that makes me happy.

Today we have a family braai (BBQ). It's become tradition since my cousin has left for overseas for us to have one big get together while she is here so that the entire family gets to see her. I'm going to leave work now and we'll head over that way. I'm quite looking forward to it.

I'm having an OK day today. We'll take the baby pictures with as the family are curious to see. My Evil Mother has also requested to see them and I am torn. I want her to see them, he was after all her grandchild too, but I don't want her to have a copy of them. I'm afraid she might show them to other people - perhaps even claiming the baby was hers to get sympathy and attention. I know it's a horrible thought, but I would put nothing past her. Perhaps I should go and visit and take my laptop with to show her, then I wouldn't need to print them out or save them on an external device. I feel sorry for her in some capacity at the moment. She feels extremely left out of this huge event that has happened in my life, because I left her out. She was emotionally and financially unavailable to me when she was putting me through hell - now I'm going through hell again without her, because I have learnt I do not need her. I have enough other family to love and support me, although I don't know what I would have done without my grandparents. I want to buy them big Christmas presents this year, because they deserve it. Even if that means I'm broke until the end of January.

My grandfather popped on yesterday morning and saw my cousin for the first time. He told her that I've been so brave and that he is very proud of me. I wanted to cry. I am so proud of him for what he is going through with his treatment at the moment. Why do we not tell the people we love how we feel? Why didn't he say this to me? Why haven't I told him that I am proud of him? We tend to tell other people the good things about the people in our lives, despite them needing to hear it most.

I think everyone should make a concerted effort to tell their loved ones, friends and colleagues about the things they do right. I'm going to do try and do this while I am counting my blessings and not taking things for granted.

James/Sebastian

***WARNING***

Some readers may find descriptions graphic.

On Monday we went to Tygerberg hospital to go for the scan and to make our final decision. It was as we feared and they found another problem on top of all the other things that were suspected. The results of the scan were as follows:

The baby's head was lemon shaped and a cause for concern.
The spine could not properly be assessed as the baby was lying inside my pelvis.
The baby had bilateral club feet.
The bladder was not properly formed.
There was urine leaking into the bowel.
The bowel showed signs of obstruction and was causing swelling of the abdomen.
The baby was unable to move the wrists or hands.

We didn't have any indication that there was a problem with the hands at all until Monday. Finding another problem over and above those things that were suspected confirmed for us that letting the baby go was the right thing to do. They could not tell us whether or not the problems with the bladder/bowel could be fixed until after the baby was born. The club feet were operable, but no guarantees about the child's capabilities or quality of life. There is no cure for the problems with the wrists and hands. The geneticist at Tygerberg said she has never in her 30 year career seen a combination of these symptoms and it is a unique case. We knew then that it was time to let the baby go and scheduled an appointment with my gynae to discuss termination. He made an appointment for us the very same afternoon.

We went to see my gynae and advised him that we decided to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't have to say so, but you could tell that he agreed with our decision. He immediately prescribed medication to start inducing labour (Cytotec).

I was admitted into hospital Tuesday at 17:00 with cramps. The pain was minimal (similar to period pains, just right through to the back) and I could cope. A gel was inserted to soften my cervix and to prepare for the next day. I managed to sleep well with the assistance of a sleeping tablets and no painkillers.

The next morning the doctor came to see me and injected another gel straight into my uterus. Within a few minutes the nurse decided to call Rudi back to the hospital as I started having contractions and she thought I needed his support. The doctor said he will be back around 10:00 to monitor my progress and insert more gel into my uterus. I was given an injection for pain which made me very drowsy. Around 10:00 the doctor had not come yet and the pain killer had started to wear off. At around 10:30 the nurse decided to give me another pain killer despite the fact that the doctor had not yet come around. The doctor did come around 11:00 and saw how much pain I was in. I was screaming like someone who was having their fingernails pulled off. He decided that I could have an epidural as the process was iniated successfully, after which he would insert more gel into my uterus. The contractions were about two minutes apart and excruciating. In between contractions I was dozing off due to the painkiller. It was such an odd feeling - excruciating pain one minute, falling asleep the next, only to be rudely awakened by another contraction.

He attempted to give me the epidural in two different places, but from what I could tell he could not find 'resistance' against the needle (He said this to the nurse). To my surprise the epidural did not hurt, it just felt very strange to have something wriggling around in my spine. They asked me to lie down and after about 10 minutes the contractions had gotten worse and it became evident that the epidural had not worked. My doctor immediately arranged for me to be rushed to theater for an evacuation and scrape. By this time the contractions were so bad I was screaming for them to make it stop and to please help me. I'm surprised I didn't swear. I thought I'd be inventing new swear words with the level of pain I was experiencing. Poor Rudi looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn't know what to do. I felt bad that he felt so helpless and tried my best between contractions (if I was not dozing off) to assure him there was nothing he could do but be with me.

I think I might have been scaring the other patients with my screaming as the nurse kept on saying "OK Mrs. {insert surname here} every time I started having a contraction and screaming my head off. I remember the theater nurse telling me it was around 13:10. The anaesthetist asked me a few quick questions and told me to expect a burning feeling in my arm, which I did not feel.

Then they woke me up and it was all over. It was almost 14:00.

My Evil Mother and grandmother had been called and went to see the baby as Rudi and I decided not to, but we wanted someone to go and look. (I will discuss in another post what My Evil Mother did that makes me want to wring her neck) I asked My Evil Mother to take a few photos with my phone in case I decided later that I wanted to see the baby. The biggest shock for us was that we had a little boy, not a little girl as we were told, hence me not referring to the baby's sex earlier in the post. We were kind of stuck for a boy's name so we are not sure whether it will be Sebastian or James.

Last night I felt good physically and didn't require any painkillers. This morning I feel a bit like I've been through the wars. It hurts everywhere they stuck a needle in me and my girlie bits are sore too. Luckily the bleeding has subsided.

Emotionally I think I am still in shock. I don't think it has really hit me yet. I cried a little after I came out of theater, but I think it will sink in later (probably when I least expect it).

The geneticist at Tygerberg wanted to look at the foetus, out of professional curiosity I guess. She told us they will not be able to tell us the likelihood of future birth defects without performing a post mortem on the baby. We enquired about it today and the post mortem will set us back approximately another R3000.00 (it could be more). After much deliberation we decided not to have a post mortem done. It will not change what happened and will most likely not prevent anything specific in the future. The initial report (from Tygerberg on Monday) said that the likelihood of re-occurrence or future birth defects may be as high as 25%, but they did not comment on the cause. 25% is pretty high considering there was only a 2% chance that something would have been wrong with this baby. The fact that the geneticist said it was a unique case gives us some hope that it might just have been bad luck.

So when we do try again we will be taking a risk and we will need to pray that we have a healthy baby.

I'm booked off till next Friday and will try to update my blog as often as I can.

Out of Stock

I was so excited to go and buy my grandmother's walker yesterday, but they were out of stock. The guy that works there took my details and told me he'd try to source one for me or let me know when the new stock arrives either today or tomorrow. I really hope I can get one for her. He also mentioned the price and it's a bit more than I originally thought, but I don't mind. I was just so excited to give it to her.

I finally got the bio-oil I've been threatening to get it and then forgot to put it on after I got out the shower! I spoilt myself and bought myself some exfoliating face wash and a new moisturiser because my nose has been dry and flaky for a while and it looks horrible. When I went to have my eyebrows waxed the beautician asked me if I had sunburn (in the WINTER?!). It looks much better today. So even though they didn't have what I wanted at the pharmacy, I spent R350.00 there anyway. It's a HUGE discount pharmacy and they have loads of stuff. You can't walk out of there without having spent some money.

I hope to have my hair seen to soon as well as the regrowth is really starting to bug me. I'm going to wait till I've had my next gynae appointment first though.



I'm still excited about moving, but didn't bother to actually do anything yet. I'm so lazy. Perhaps I'll dig in the garage tonight and put a box together or something. I'm super excited about getting the new rug and will definitely take 'before' and 'after' pictures of our lounge. Perhaps I should make a turn there and ask them to keep the rug and cushions for me. I don't want to have another 'out of stock' experience.

BLEUGH

I'm feeling crappy again today. Surprise! My tongue feels like a carpet and my stomach is giving me reason not to trust it. In part I am glad for the morning sickness since women that suffer from morning sickness are less likely to miscarry. So the nausea just proves that everything is as it should be. I guess I'll be nervous until I'm officially 12 weeks and in the 'safe zone'. On the other hand I'm really not in the mood to feel sick anymore. I'm totally done with this and I can only hope that it will go away when it is meant to.

I had a brief period of happiness and high spirits yesterday where I was feeling wonderful. One of my colleagues asked me what's up (obviously because they haven't seen me chirpy for quite some time)...I turned to him and said 'I'm glowing!'. He thought it was funny. I have a chocolate sitting waiting to be eaten on my desk but I don't have the stomach for it now.

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5kg since I've been pregnant. That's a bonus!

Speaking of bonus, it's our bonus month at work. I decided I'm going to spoil my grandmother with and expensive gift. I feel guilty sometimes because I sometimes feel like I favour my grandfather. His birthday gifts always seem to be more expensive and we spend more time together. She definitely deserves it! She has a heart of gold and is a wonderful, selfless person.

She's had more than one operation on her back and struggles to walk or stand for long periods. The doctors want her to exercise and lose weight so that she has less strain on her back, but she really struggles to do so. My grandfather loves going for walks, but can't take her along because after a few metres she is in pain. Their neighbour recently got a new walker and my grandfather really wants to get her one, but cannot afford it because of all his medical bills with the cancer now and him being off work for a month and not getting paid. Since I will be able to afford it this month I've decided to get her one. They look like this:



We're only getting paid on Monday. I can't wait to get it for her! I already found out where to buy it. I'm excited! I'm going to buy a big bow to put on it too!

Bad News

My grandmother called me at work today to tell me my grandfather has been diagnosed with colon cancer. He will be going in for an operation next Wednesday to remove about 10 cm of his colon.

They say they've caught it in the early stages. We'll have to hope for the best. He just finished his ordeal with the skin cancer and now this.

My colleagues had me sent home from work. I came to my grandmother to come and be with her. My grandfather is out working.

My grandfather might as well be my father. I've always looked up to him and he's been the constant male role model in my life.

Please spare a thought or a prayer for him and for us.

And Breathe...

I had an impassioned choir practice last night. I felt moved, challenged and motivated.

We have an amazing choir leader. When he conducts he is filled with emotion and you can almost feel the music through his facial expressions alone. Before I joined the choir I enjoyed watching him immensely. It's a little more difficult to watch him now that I'm singing because I have a lot of other things to focus on. He also sings for very large choirs that sometimes travel abroad, so he brings a lot of experience to the table.

He teaches us how to breathe properly, how to 'support' so that we can reach higher notes and make them sound better. He understands the terms of the music and tries to stay true to the composer's wishes. He pushes ALL the right buttons to make you push yourself and to make you want to do better. He is strict, but he does it for the love of the music.

At choir practice last night I sang until I was dizzy. Literally dizzy from singing high notes and keeping them there for long. I was actually exhausted when I got home. Last night I developed a whole new respect for my grandmother. My grandmother is an amazing soprano. She was one of the first solo artists to be recorded on LP for our church. She was invited to sing at many, many weddings - to the extent that my grandfather stopped accompanying her because he was bored. She is well known amongst members of our church - she's kind of famous. Thinking of how I felt last night I can't imagine how hard she must have worked to achieve what she has achieved. I have always loved my grandmother for her kindness and her innocent way, but I have another reason to admire her now. What a woman!

We have a District Apostle service coming up in April and will be having 2 choir practices with this choir leader each week. *phew*, there's a lot of work ahead of me, but I can only get better at singing by doing this.

P.S. I should be posting photos of that car a little later today, my neighbour said he'd send them to me. I also have new pictures of the jasmine bush which is blossoming beautifully!

P.S.S. Looks like my neighbour left work before sending me the pictures. I'll sock him one tonight.