Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin's blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process...he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I'd ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I'm sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn't have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can't even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother...I don't even KNOW what I'm going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi's parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her...but it won't be what *I* had and I don't think it's selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

+/- 0kg

The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.

This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!

Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.

Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!

Fame

The Leo in me hungers for fame and attention, although I am not necessarily a spotlight seeker. Because I have low self esteem I don't flaunt the way I think I might if I were thinner circumstances were different.

When you fall pregnant, you become a celebrity in your own right. Suddenly everybody is interested in you...your blog stats will go up. That's for sure. People constantly want to know how you are...even if you growl at them when they ask because you feel like throwing up on your keyboard. People constantly give you gifts for the baby (I got more gifts for the baby on my birthday last year than I got for myself). Hell...people even throw a party for you near the end. All in all it really makes you feel special and cared about.

I miss that. Every woman gets her 15 minutes of fame this way. Sometimes the attention is probably unwanted. Perhaps she is a mistress, not a partner. Perhaps she is still a child herself...but attention she will have.

I am in a place in my life where the attention was most welcome. My family was overjoyed and announced the news to one and all. Colleagues were happy for me. Friends were happy for me. I am married, so there is no scandal. In fact, it is expected.

I think next time I am pregnant I'll keep it quiet until we're sure everything is OK. Everyone knowing last time turned out not to be such a good thing.

Other than that my cycle still has not started. Only 1 day late so far. It's probably still out of whack from the pregnancy. I need to be patient with this. In fact...I think I need to stop trying so hard. It's so difficult to put it out of my mind when it is something I think about so often on a daily basis. As Wenchy said, I should try to see it as a journey - not as a destination. I am definitely getting better with time. I am not nearly as anxious as I was last month and my stomach isn't in a knot every time I go to the loo.

I DO hate waiting though. Not just for this, for anything. I try to be as punctual as possible and hate waiting for people. My Evil Mother is one who is always late for everything. I think it's disrespectful to be late. It shows you have no regard for the other person's time. It drives me nuts. I'll forgive Mother Nature this time around though since I want something from her. Yeah I know. Love me. Double standards and all.

UPDATE

*blush* One of my male colleagues sent me an e-mail to tell me I look nice today. That was a bit of a ego boost, then another colleague walked up to me and said he was looking at my eyes peeking over the cubicle partition and he thought 'Who is this babe?' then decided to come and tell me about it. What's going on?!

Collecting Memories

I said I'd discuss the thing that I've been doing.

I've been...collecting memories of my grandfather.

I love both my grandparents dearly, but I realise that sometime in my lifetime they won't be there anymore. Just thinking about it makes my guts knot up.

I have been deliberately building up momentos and doing things with them to build up a store of comforting things I can refer to when they are no longer here.

For instance, my grandfather loves buying me books. He bought me a book for my birthday last year with quotations. He asked if he could read it first and I let him because he'd also purchased another book for me to read in the meantime. I asked him to make notes in the margins and mark the quotations he liked. Looking back on this I will be able to reflect his thoughts on things when he is no longer here.

Is it wrong to plan for the day people are no longer here? Is it wrong to consciously think of this? Am I compromising my time with them now? I don't think so. I'm actually increasing the frequencies of my visits with them and making sure they are filled with good memories. I know this makes them happy.

I suppose I'm really just asking if I'm nuts.