+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

Memory Lane

Music is such an incredible medium. It has this ability, this effect on me that I can't explain. I am sure others are affected by music in a similair way. How else would we explain the multi billion dollar industry run by the music moguls?

I heard a song on the radio this morning which took me right back into a memory I hadn't recalled for quite some time. What set this apart from the other times that this has happened is that this was a fairly 'new' song. It wasn't the first song I slow danced to, or the first song a boy dedicated to me or a song that reminded me of a specific person. I've heard snippets of this song as cell phone ringtones and decided I like it, but I heard it for the first in it's entirety this morning. I completely zoned out and took a trip down memory lane.

I dusted off the manilla folder holding the memory and opened it up for a look. A smile touched my lips as I recalled that time in my life. I thought about how silly I was. A question I often pondered when I was younger was "How will I know when I am a woman. When exactly does a girl become a woman?". Now I'm married and I see myself doing more and more things that I saw 'women' doing when I was younger. I guess I've crossed that line at some point, but I cannot pin point when that happened.

I love the way my whole mood can change just by listening to music. I'm going to download that song for my phone right now.

Collecting Memories

I said I'd discuss the thing that I've been doing.

I've been...collecting memories of my grandfather.

I love both my grandparents dearly, but I realise that sometime in my lifetime they won't be there anymore. Just thinking about it makes my guts knot up.

I have been deliberately building up momentos and doing things with them to build up a store of comforting things I can refer to when they are no longer here.

For instance, my grandfather loves buying me books. He bought me a book for my birthday last year with quotations. He asked if he could read it first and I let him because he'd also purchased another book for me to read in the meantime. I asked him to make notes in the margins and mark the quotations he liked. Looking back on this I will be able to reflect his thoughts on things when he is no longer here.

Is it wrong to plan for the day people are no longer here? Is it wrong to consciously think of this? Am I compromising my time with them now? I don't think so. I'm actually increasing the frequencies of my visits with them and making sure they are filled with good memories. I know this makes them happy.

I suppose I'm really just asking if I'm nuts.