+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

I take for granted...

Just like people who have suffered from terminal illness realize their mortality, I have realized the fragility of the things I take for granted.

I take my relationship for granted. I know I shouldn't, I really do. One minute my husband thinks I'm the sexiest girl alive, carrying his baby. Something he has always wanted. Every time I tell him I feel fat or ugly, he tells me that I'm pregnant and beautiful.

I took for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was getting used to the idea and even getting a little excited (although for some reason I was reserved about that). People are buying you so many gifts you feel blessed and you start to eye and coo over the baby things in the shops. You start seriously considering working all the expenses into your budget and marvel at the way your entire life is about to change.

Then the carpet is pulled from beneath you. Everything is not OK. Your husband thinks you should do one thing and you feel you should do another. Now your marriage is on the line and you realize you could lose this person you love so much yet take for granted almost on a daily basis.

A few tense weeks pass and finally you and your husband agree on what the right thing to do is, but then your child is gone. Then all the plans you made fall apart and all the gifts lay there and won't fulfill the purpose they were intended for as soon as you had anticipated.

Your husband is still there, but he is hurting too and dealing with it in his own way. You are eternally grateful that you did not lose him as well, but with the emotional roller coaster you are on you want to kill him sometimes and smother him at others. Your husband loves you, but he cannot fill the void that has been created. He cannot undo the past any more than you can. So you love each other the best you can and hurt together, yet separately in most ways. I suppose as long as you are not hurting each other everything will be OK.

I try my best to acknowledge him now and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. I'm not sure if he takes me seriously though, just like I might not believe him because of my own self worth issues. Sometimes when I say goodbye to him I want to kiss him again, just in case. You never know when it is the last time you will see someone. He is on the road all day and something could so easily happen to him and he could slip away from me as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this child was not going to come into this world. I never bought a single thing for the baby. I bought a packet of wet wipes, reluctantly. I wonder this, but at the same time I know I had no possible way of knowing that this would happen, especially so far into my pregnancy. I took for granted that after my first three months were over everything would be OK and the symptoms would be the most of my worries.

Cook your husband a special meal.

Go and give your kid/s a hug and a kiss.

Cook your dog a steak, or your cat a fish.

Count your blessings.

Don't take anything for granted.

I'm not going to anymore...

UPDATE: The geneticist from Tygerberg mailed me the photos of our baby today. I completely broke down at work and had to leave. I came to my grandparents house to come and see the photos. I knew I couldn't open them at work, perhaps that is why I was so devastated. I also agree that I think it was a boy. It certainly seems that way on the photo. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He was beautiful. I'm am so sad that he is gone and I really wish he wasn't.

Doctors...GRRR

Physically I still feel like crap today. I'm going to the doctor later this afternoon since I'm convinced I need antibiotics and the only way to get my hands on them is to pay my doctor over R200.00 to write the name of the medication down on a piece of paper. Then we'll see how much the medicine costs. Last time I needed antibiotics the medication alone was R250.00. Ugh. Too many doctors bills.

I checked online and it seems that my medical aid covered most of the expenses in the hospital save around R200.00 which I can cope with. They paid out around R9000.00. It's about time they coughed, instead of me.

Emotionally I've been numbed today. No crying. Sadness...and anxious to see the photos that the geneticist will send (I really hope she doesn't forget), but otherwise numb. I am really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, despite the fact that I'm not doing anything constructive at home. Other than cleaning. Cleaning helps distract me, although I don't have to think very hard while doing it.

I hope I feel better by Saturday, antibiotics usually take a day or two to kick in, so if the weather clears up Rudi and I can have a fun relaxing day together. Hopefully we can forget the sadness for a little while.