+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

My grandfather is dying...

So it seems I might have misunderstood my grandfather somewhat. Apparently he has 6 - 12 months to live whether or not the cancer has spread to his lungs. The doctors say he'll need to have two major surgeries in which they remove the pieces of his liver that are infected and two more rounds of chemo. Apparently they'll cut right across his chest to operate on his liver and of course he refuses the chemo. He would rather not live at all as chemo really negates your quality of life. I try my best not to think about it...it's very upsetting. My grandfather has been the constant in my life. My role model. My father. He means the world to me. He asked me the other day what I am going to buy him for his last birthday *sigh*

I cannot wrap my mind around my grandfather not being around. What will happen to my grandmother? My grandfather said he is in the process of making provision for her. He still hasn't updated his will, which he needs to do to ensure My Evil Mother does not rob the rest of the family...again.

I'm still not trying to conceive. I considered it again...taking this new information into account...but I am *so* much happier since I've stopped obsessing about it that I simply cannot go back. I would be stupid to submit myself to such torture. It really was getting bad for me. I'm not simply referring to sexy time being scheduled and losing it's lustre. Emotionally it is path I have chosen to step away from and I need to stick to that choice. We're still not trying to prevent pregnancy...and it does still move to the forefront of my mind. It also does not help being surrounded by so many pregnant women, but that is something that is out of my control. It will happen eventually. I just need to be patient.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm dreading it. Rudi has been badgering me to go back to exercising and eating right and I have conceded that we should do so, but we're just not getting around to it.

Work is beckoning me. I can't ignore it anymore...no matter how hard I try!

You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...

-1kg

The weeked turned out to be pretty cool. On Friday we went to braai (BBQ) at Lindor's house. I went to make a turn at Sarah's house as they were also having a party to which were invited. After returning to Lindor and having a bite I convinced Rudi that we should go to Sarah's house to their party too. We ended up being the last people there (that rarely happens) and only got home around 2am.

The next morning...not so much fun. Tequila is the devil. I am *really* one of those people that the following saying applies to: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, floor. I only had four shots of tequila and one bottle of wine stretched and shared over the entire evening, but that last Tequila...hit me between the eyes. I had a hangover of note on Saturday. I don't think I've ever been so thirsty in my life! For some daft reason we decided to go and do grocery shopping on Saturday. What a freaking nightmare! We stood in a queue at Checkers for almost an hour just to pay! I was really grumpy! We did, however, also go and cash in the vouchers I won from @Dulcecafe on Twitter. They have competitions once a week on Twitter, sort of like a viral campaign and I won a R50 meal voucher and a 25MB wi-fi voucher. Pretty cool.

On Sunday it was our anniversary. Married for 2 years, together for 8. To think I was worried about beating Rudi's record of 2 years with his ex (yeah I don't know why I'm like that). She can suck it. WA HA HA HA. Rudi wished me just after I got up and I made him some breakfast. After church we went shopping for some fruit and veg and Beauty Queen and SLK invited us for lunch. Rudi was going to take me out to lunch anyway, so we went with them. After that we went to camera_obscura's house and chilled there for a while.

We had an Apostle service on Sunday morning and the strangest thing happened. I heard a message for Sarah. It was quite weird because I often hear messages for myself and for Nellie (because Nellie and I talk about our faith and often hear things for each other), but for Sarah? The company Sarah is working for are liquidating and she had to go in on Monday to find out if she still has a job. The Apostle prayed for those who were on the verge of losing their jobs. I called Sarah and told her about it. The outcome? She kept her job AND got an increase. Yay for her! Speaking of Sarah, we're hopefully going to pick out my new hair colour this evening and make it happen. Don't worry...I'll post photos.

Yesterday was a day of complete relaxation. We didn't even leave the house. We lay on the couch and watched movies ALL DAY. We tried to watch all three Lord of the Rings movies, but only managed two. Probably because we stopped to cook and watch our regular programming on a Monday. I'm watching the last one now.

How I managed to lose a kilo through all of this eating and vegging is beyond me, but I will not complain.

Oh. I'm not pregnant.

No Pressure Over Cappucino

Enough is enough. I've had it with all of this.

No more ovulation calendars, microscopes and calculators. No more avoiding certain medication for weeks because I *might* be pregnant. No more nervous anticipation of my cycle. No more plotting, planning and having lack lustre sexy time. No more cutting back on drinking or having fun because there is a miniscule chance of me being pregnant. No more resenting other pregnant women. No more jealousy. Who am I to be jealous? I have very little idea of what these people have been through to have their child. Who am I to feel like I deserve it more than anyone else? No more.

I am putting way too much pressure on myself (and Rudi) to get pregnant. Sure it feels like there is a hole in our life now that was meant to be filled. Sure my grandfather is out of his skin with excitement and prays every day that we get pregnant. There are many people hoping and praying for us (thank you), but the pressure is soul crushing. The expectations are high and the disappointment is shattering.

It hit me very hard this month. I really thought this was our month. I even thought I had symptoms, but alas. It was not so.

Through all this drama and struggle I have at least discovered that I feel ready to have a baby. That is something I never thought I would be ready for. Now I don't need to try and prevent pregnancy because it will be a joyous occasion when it happens, like it should have been the first time.

If I am not pregnant by the end of the year I'll make an appointment with my gynae and ask him if he has something to help me along, but until then, no pressure.

Now all of this is easy to say, I just need to stick to it and put it out of my mind. My life cannot stop until I am pregnant. My life cannot revolve around getting pregnant. I don't think it should be so difficult. I'm not saying I don't want a baby. I do, I really do. I just don't want this stress, pressure and these expectations making me feel like a failure month after month.

I'm sad that things had to turn out this way. I'm disappointed that I didn't fall pregnant before I reached this point, but so be it.

I don't want to hear 'It will happen when the time is right' or 'It will happen when it is meant to be'. It will happen, I know this. When it will happen is something I clearly have no control over.

So right now I can still live my life with much less responsibility than a parent has and that isn't too bad, now is it?

I need to love me. I need to keep reminding myself to love me, because I forget.

Not Pregnant

So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:



I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He's actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn't start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I've just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I'm not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn't complain. It's so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James' last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn't even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Transitional

I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.

Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.

I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.

Speaking of loving Rudi...

...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.

The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.

She's baaaack

So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.

It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.

Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.

I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.

If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.

Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.

I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.

It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.

I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.