Friday, 16 January 2009

She's baaaack

So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.

It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.

Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.

I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.

If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.

Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.

I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.

It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.

I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.

5 comments:

angel said...

ag man... i'm so sorry you have to put up with the people who say those inane things!
and don't say anything about 35 being too high risk- i'm still in denial!
;)
and you're allowed to cry and have a lump in your throat!

Wenchy said...

you are fully entitled to cry and vent and feel happy and sad at the same time, something horrible happened to you!!!

acidicice said...

Angel - a lot of women over 35 have perfectly healthy babies...I just think that I would be strongly advised against it because of my recent medical history.

Wenchy - thanks babes. I try to give myself permission, but a lot of people have forgotten my grief, even if the pain lingers. People around me kind of expect me to be 'over it' already. I don't think people can necessarily understand unless they have been through it or have a window into my mind like my readers do. I don't share my blog at work really...too many Jubba entries ;o)

JaneW said...

I know what you mean about the comments... I do think people just don;t know what to say in this kind of situation, and so they something, anything, and often it is not what we want to hear. I tried to remember that at least they are TRYING, and give them credit for that. Of course some people ARE just being mean, and well, there's just no excuse for that.

You will never 'get over' what happened, but it will get much easier and you;'ll reconcile it into your life and your path to where you end up. But his memory and his role in your life will stay strong and stay with you, and that's a good thing. You don't ever have to pretend he wasn't here.

My (ex) husband came up with an analogy - many people don't like it, but I understood it. But the thing is that many many many first babies don't survive. You'll be surprised how many first pregnancies don't work out for many and varied reasons.

So he said he thinks the first baby is like the first pancake you make. The first pancake is never right and never comes out properly. But that one prepares the pan so that all those that follow can be perfect. Our 'first pancakes' sacrificed themselves for our children that follow ... and yours ARE coming.

*HUGS*

(I am sorry if you find that offensive, I know many people can't relate to that)

acidicice said...

Hi Jane

Actually I can completely relate to that. I've actually used the analogy myself. My body didn't know how to make a baby properly yet and this may have been like a 'practice run'. I totally get it.

*hugs* I seem to need one today.