Thursday, 22 January 2009

*SCREAM*

I’ve figured out yesterday that I’m still stuck in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief cycle. I’m sitting with a ball of anger in my lap and I have no idea what to do with it.

Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.

If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.

I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.

I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.

7 comments:

Wenchy said...

You know my friend... you have been robbed, you have been hurt and your emotions are truly all normal and okay.....

Wenchy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
acidicice said...

You always know just what to say Wenchy.

Glugster said...

I know what you are going through.

It's not easy when everybody else seems to get pregnant without even trying to, while it's just not happening for you.

In my case though I have made peace with the fact that it's unlikely that I will ever have children. Doesn't mean I try any less though.

Just remember there are others going through the same thing at the moment.

acidicice said...

Thanks Glugster. It's nice to know that even some men understand this.

I have heard of countless people (men too!) who have been told they will never have children and have managed to anyway.

We can't allow ourselves to lose faith although some days are much harder than others (Easy to preach!)

Jenty said...

(((HUGS))) it's very hard. Been there, done that... I used to cry at baby showers all the time.

supermom said...

Don't go to the baby shower. Send a note to say that you are very happy for them and appreciate the invite but unfortunately you just aren't ready for that yet.

I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you