Another colleague came to tell me she is pregnant today. She said she didn't know how to tell me. While she's probably ecstatic (she's been trying for some time) she feels guilty that she got pregnant before me.
Have I become so bitter and unapproachable? I don't want to be that person.
I can't help it! FFS. I hate feeling this way. I feel like crying. I feel like crying because I feel like a bad person. AND because I'm not pregnant.
Showing posts with label bitter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitter. Show all posts
Friday, 13 March 2009
Thursday, 22 January 2009
*SCREAM*
I’ve figured out yesterday that I’m still stuck in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief cycle. I’m sitting with a ball of anger in my lap and I have no idea what to do with it.
Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.
If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.
I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.
I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.
Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.
If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.
I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.
I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.
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~~Our Precious James~~
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