*SCREAM*

I’ve figured out yesterday that I’m still stuck in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief cycle. I’m sitting with a ball of anger in my lap and I have no idea what to do with it.

Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.

If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.

I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.

I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.

Sick of being Sick

I'm feeling rather fragile this morning. I don't know about you, but even I am tired hearing myself complain. I'm actually tired of complaining. It's not like it helps. Or does it?

I don't think the tablets I was taking for the morning sickness are working anymore. I was feeling rather sick while taking them, so I decided not to buy again. They're bloody expensive too. They cost R62.00 for a 10 day supply. I've probably bought around 4 or 5 of those.

I wish this morning sickness would go away. We're moving this weekend and I'm not sure if everyone will understand how I feel. Not only that, they've predicted rain the entire weekend. How are we supposed to move in the rain without getting all our stuff wet?!

Pffft.

I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide away from the world until I feel better.

Speaking of moving...I <3 my housekeeper. She's packed up our entire house. Bless her. I don't know what I would do without that lady! Our house looks so...empty. All the ornaments and most of the curtains are gone. Everything is put in a box. She's also coming to help us on Sunday. She's not afraid to work. She works really hard and LOVES packing stuff away. My grandfather always used to call her 'Miss Pack Away' because she'd pack away all his junk and he could never find it. If you call her she'll know exactly where she put it though. She is really invaluable when moving. I'm paying her double on Sunday and it will be worth it!

We had a CEO roadshow yesterday. It was the last one for our current CEO as he is retiring. He had a heart attack last year and is obviously under strict instructions to retire since his job is really stressful. We could tell that he wasn't well. He was not the CEO of roadshows before. There were paramedics on standby the entire time. It was really sad to see him like that. He was a founding father of our company and pioneered the business in our country. We are really proud of him and it will be sad to see him go.

Time for me to go and mope.