This and That

The baby movements seem to have died down a bit now. I still feel it every now and then, but it's not nearly as it's 'supposed' to be yet. I think it's still a bit early for kicking. It just feels like the baby is stretching. I'm feeling a lot better than I initially was. I still feel nauseous sometimes, but not all the time. I am also eating better which is a relief. I still don't enjoy food like I used to...but that may really not be a bad thing. I still constantly have a horrid taste in my mouth and I've been chowing Mint Imperials to alleviate that.

It's Sarah's 21st on Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing how all the arrangements turn out, but have no idea what to buy for her! It's the first time she's celebrating a birthday since we've been friends and it's a big one. She's given me ideas of things she wants/needs so I have quite a broad scope. I really hope she likes whatever I choose.

I had a chest of drawers which was seriously falling apart. Somehow the drawers wouldn't fit into the shell anymore and kept collapsing. The entire structure was basically useless. I didn't know of anyone who could fix it and was going to throw the whole thing away. We've been pricing a new set for quite a while and they seem to go for an average of about R2 000. Eventually I chatted to my grandfather about it and he told me I should take it through to his brother. He chatted to his brother and he agreed to have a go at it as carpentry is a hobby of his. Over the weekend he let us know that he was done and we could come pick it up.

The chest of drawers looks as good as new and all the drawers fit in rather nicely! He said it wasn't too big a job. I bought him a box of chocolate as a small gesture of appreciation (I ran this by my grandfather first), turns out he's diabetic. Next time I'll ask my grandmother about his family, she seems to know more than him.

I received a formal invitation to My Evil Mother's wedding. She wants me to take photos. I agreed to take pictures for her. She can consider it my gift.

and...it's back

Just in case I missed my morning sickness while it went looking for a new person to make miserable...it decided to join me again yesterday. Yesterday morning I was feeling 100%. I was even upbeat because I thought I looked cute in a new outfit I bought. I went to church and while sitting there I felt weird and got to the loo just in time. I can only hope nobody heard me. Blind.

I felt like crap the whole day yesterday and this morning when I woke up I soon realized that I was too happy too soon about this morning sickness going away. It's definitely still here :( This really sucks because it's supposed to go away by now. I'm probably almost 15 weeks now (according to my last gynae visit). I'm going to cry. Damnit.

On a happier note I went shopping with Sarah on Saturday and managed to spend some money on myself. I bought some accessories and 3 nice tops, PLUS I'm getting my hair done today. I can't wait to get rid of these roots! I really hope it doesn't take 3 and a half hours like it did last time...I'm going to be bored out of my skull!

Better?

I've been feeling a LITTLE bit better since yesterday. Not exactly my old self, but a little better. The nausea seems to be subsiding a bit and I'm REALLY glad about that. I hope it lasts!

Last night I had a salad for supper with some ceaser salad dressing (I am LOVING salad at the moment, specifically cucumber, tomato and feta). The salad dressing was very vinegary and I got a little heartburn from it. Hopefully not a sign of things to come! I'm hoping that I can skip the heartburn thing, but I doubt I will be that fortunate. Some Gaviscon sorted it right out though.

I've been thinking about buying a cot soon. I think we're going to get a nice camp cot. We don't have space for a wooden cot and a camp cot will be handy when we're going out as well. Wooden cots are beautiful, but they are also quite pricey and take up a lot of space. Especially if you 'have' to get both. I think a camp cot is more versatile and can be used when travelling. We don't travel much, but we could take it with when we visit people, keeping the baby in a safe environment for people that haven't baby proofed their homes!

I might be starting to get a little excited...

P.S. I found this out on Monday already, but it's not that important. My mother is getting married on the 19th of October. I honestly cannot see the benefit of her getting married to Coke Head and cannot fathom what is going on in her mind...but she's a grown up and I am not HER mommy.

STILL sick

I'm STILL sick. I've finally taken my last antibiotic today. I have a suspicion that the antibiotics are making me feel nauseous. I couldn't even keep down water yesterday. I was feeling TERRIBLE, so my gynae appointment wasn't the joyful event it should have been.

My new gynae is really nice. He discussed things with me, which the other one did not. We specifically discussed going for the foetal assessment. He said that I fall into a low risk category and if I go for the foetal assessment there is about a 2% chance that I will need to go for a test where they draw amniotic fluid (this involves a big needle being stuck into your belly). That is the one test I do not want to have! I've decided since the risk is so small I don't think I'm going to go. My medical aid is pretty much done anyway! He also prescribed something for an infection I've gotten from the antibiotics. It never rains but it pours hey!

The baby looks healthy on the scan. Although the baby is lying in an awkward position so they were not able to tell the sex. He said we would definitely be able to tell at the next appointment (20 October) and he'll arrange for a DVD to be made for us. The most amazing thing must have been seeing the baby stretch out inside me. I'm convinced I can feel it sometimes if I'm sitting really still. He also said my due date is approximately 14 March (4 days earlier) but said he's not going to change my due date for now as these things become more and more uncertain as the pregnancy progresses. He said it's really unfortunate that I'm still suffering from morning sickness, but he's convinced I won't be for much longer. He is surprised that I am not complaining about my bladder as the baby is pressing down onto it and it should be making me quite uncomfortable. Perhaps the morning sickness is overshadowing all of that.

I'm really looking forward to getting my appetite back and getting off these antibiotics. I was only able to keep them down for roughly an hour. I hope my body absorbed enough of the antibiotic for the infection not to come back. It was very painful and I don't want to go through another course of antibiotics.

Wish me luck!

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!

Pregnancy

Pregnancy has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Feeling constantly sick, not enjoying food, not enjoying the company of people, not wanting to have sex, not being able to have a glass of wine, lower back ache...these things are making my life hell at the moment

They say with great sacrifice comes great reward, but it is really hard for me to think of or imagine the reward if I'm in the thick of the sacrifice. Also, because I haven't had a child before I don't know of 'the joy it brings' or how wonderful it is going to be once this part is over.

I've tried all the remedies that people have suggested. I've tried medication. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. I think that my morning sickness getting worse is linked to the vitamins I'm taking. I started taking them again a few days ago and I have been feeling like utter crap since yesterday.

I've already cried this morning. Yes I feel sorry for myself, very sorry. I know that millions of women are going through this and that eventually it will be over, but right now while I'm contemplating sticking my finger down my throat for some relief I see no end in sight.

I just want to crawl under a duvet until all this is over. I couldn't even take off work for fear of them thinking I'm trying to take a 'long weekend'.

Please God let this be over soon.

1st Trimester Blues - RANT WARNING

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I will not do this again if someone paid me a million bucks. I will read this blog entry again if I am ever stupid enough to consider doing this again.

Being pregnant SUCKS. I've always said that I always wanted to be pregnant, but I never wanted a baby. Oh how naive! I saw happy pregnant ladies (with no stretch marks, mind you) in magazines...smiling and holding their beautiful belly. I saw parents laughing and in awe with their baby's movements. I saw glowing, happy and healthy women. What I did not see was a miserable women with dark rings under her eyes, stretchmarks on 2/3 of her body hanging over a toilet bowl crying.

I fucking hate the media. LIARS! My entire life the media has been telling me I'm not thin enough and I'm not pretty enough. I learned to deal with that. There will always be someone better than me...but why lie to me about this?! Why allow me to inflict this kind of misery on myself?!

You hear about 'morning sickness', but nobody really tells you how bad you feel. ALL THE TIME. NOW people are telling me that it was bad and a lot of people have told me that they suffered for their entire pregnancy, not just the first trimester as God surely intended. Now I am even more disheartened and see no end in sight. I can't possibly feel like this till March next year. I will slit my wrists.

Apparently this will subside or disappear completely once the placenta takes over the production of hormones. I know the placenta is there - they gynae identified it in the scan I went for, so what the hell is it doing now? Just hanging around? Work damnmit! Do what you are meant to do!

Sick of being Sick

I'm feeling rather fragile this morning. I don't know about you, but even I am tired hearing myself complain. I'm actually tired of complaining. It's not like it helps. Or does it?

I don't think the tablets I was taking for the morning sickness are working anymore. I was feeling rather sick while taking them, so I decided not to buy again. They're bloody expensive too. They cost R62.00 for a 10 day supply. I've probably bought around 4 or 5 of those.

I wish this morning sickness would go away. We're moving this weekend and I'm not sure if everyone will understand how I feel. Not only that, they've predicted rain the entire weekend. How are we supposed to move in the rain without getting all our stuff wet?!

Pffft.

I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide away from the world until I feel better.

Speaking of moving...I <3 my housekeeper. She's packed up our entire house. Bless her. I don't know what I would do without that lady! Our house looks so...empty. All the ornaments and most of the curtains are gone. Everything is put in a box. She's also coming to help us on Sunday. She's not afraid to work. She works really hard and LOVES packing stuff away. My grandfather always used to call her 'Miss Pack Away' because she'd pack away all his junk and he could never find it. If you call her she'll know exactly where she put it though. She is really invaluable when moving. I'm paying her double on Sunday and it will be worth it!

We had a CEO roadshow yesterday. It was the last one for our current CEO as he is retiring. He had a heart attack last year and is obviously under strict instructions to retire since his job is really stressful. We could tell that he wasn't well. He was not the CEO of roadshows before. There were paramedics on standby the entire time. It was really sad to see him like that. He was a founding father of our company and pioneered the business in our country. We are really proud of him and it will be sad to see him go.

Time for me to go and mope.

Waterworks

I was feeling so utterly horrible last night. I had just eaten some mashed potato (which I felt like) and realized that I had put WAY too much salt in it. I felt SO sick last night. I burst into tears. Rudi completely blew me away by saying the right things and comforting me. He is not very good at that. He spoke to me nicely and recommended I take a hot bath or shower to make myself feel better. It did. I felt a lot better. He then made me a cup of hot chocolate - which made me feel a little worse, but I asked for it and didn't have the heart to tell him.

I went to buy the rug I fell in love with last night. I also bought the scatter cushions that are going to tie the rug in with my decor. The rug is rolled up and ready to be moved so I don't have a picture of it, but I have a crappy picture of the cushions. It was taken with my cell phone in bad light so the colour isn't great and it's grainy, but here they are:



The blue matches the blue in the carpet and the purple ties in with my curtains.

The sickness I was feeling really put a damper on my purchase though. Usually spending such a large amount of money would at least have me excited about my purchase and I was happy, but I was not bouncing like I should be.

Just had a lovely chat with a colleague who had her baby last year. She was genuinely interested in how I'm doing and gave me a few tips.

Please God let this morning sickness go away soon.

11 weeks today!

P.S. No news about the walker yet.

The Last Week

The weekend was boring. We didn't do much, but Rudi spent more time with me this weekend since Crack Head neighbour was away (I couldn't believe my luck!).

It's our last week where we live. We'll be moving next weekend. I'm dreading it. The last time we moved I felt so overwhelmed I wanted to sit in a heap and cry. A lot of people have said they would come and help us, but we'll need to wait and see. I saw a beautiful rug at furniture city that I want to buy. It's a thousand bucks, but it's gorgeous and I want it! I don't know whether I should just go and buy it now...or wait till we move. If I buy it now it's just one more thing that I have to move and I'm sure it's pretty heavy.

I feel like crap this morning. Since I opened my eyes I've felt really sick. I don't know HOW I got through brushing my teeth without hurling, but I did. I felt so sick that I couldn't speak. Opening my mouth felt like an invitation to my stomach to lurch. Rudi's mother says she had morning sickness for the whole 9 months with all 4 of her children :(

I had a dream this weekend that we went for a scan with the new gynae and it was a boy. Rudi has two brothers and a sister. All of them have children. All the children are boys. I wonder if there is something to that. His mother says she's ready for a girl now. She seems to think we'll have another child (she noted this after I said 'So this is your last chance for a girl huh?'). One is enough for me though.

I've managed to eat some pronutro and one or two salticrax. I just hope I feel better soon. At least the fact that I'm sick means that my pregnancy is still on track and the baby is OK.

BLEUGH

I'm feeling crappy again today. Surprise! My tongue feels like a carpet and my stomach is giving me reason not to trust it. In part I am glad for the morning sickness since women that suffer from morning sickness are less likely to miscarry. So the nausea just proves that everything is as it should be. I guess I'll be nervous until I'm officially 12 weeks and in the 'safe zone'. On the other hand I'm really not in the mood to feel sick anymore. I'm totally done with this and I can only hope that it will go away when it is meant to.

I had a brief period of happiness and high spirits yesterday where I was feeling wonderful. One of my colleagues asked me what's up (obviously because they haven't seen me chirpy for quite some time)...I turned to him and said 'I'm glowing!'. He thought it was funny. I have a chocolate sitting waiting to be eaten on my desk but I don't have the stomach for it now.

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5kg since I've been pregnant. That's a bonus!

Speaking of bonus, it's our bonus month at work. I decided I'm going to spoil my grandmother with and expensive gift. I feel guilty sometimes because I sometimes feel like I favour my grandfather. His birthday gifts always seem to be more expensive and we spend more time together. She definitely deserves it! She has a heart of gold and is a wonderful, selfless person.

She's had more than one operation on her back and struggles to walk or stand for long periods. The doctors want her to exercise and lose weight so that she has less strain on her back, but she really struggles to do so. My grandfather loves going for walks, but can't take her along because after a few metres she is in pain. Their neighbour recently got a new walker and my grandfather really wants to get her one, but cannot afford it because of all his medical bills with the cancer now and him being off work for a month and not getting paid. Since I will be able to afford it this month I've decided to get her one. They look like this:



We're only getting paid on Monday. I can't wait to get it for her! I already found out where to buy it. I'm excited! I'm going to buy a big bow to put on it too!

Not a cure

I am so freaking sick and tired of being sick. The lollipops either only work in the morning or it was a fluke. I was so ill last night that I didn't go to church. I feel so guilty about not going, but I really am sick.

It's important that I go to church now. Especially with my grandfather being sick and me wanting God's blessing with the baby.

I feel so helpless. I was crying last night. Poor Rudi also doesn't know what to do with me. He's just as helpless as I am. Strangely enough I seem to feel most ill at night.

I've started taking the the morning sickness tablets again. I really can't feel this way all the time. I'm a wuss. I know it. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Rudi says I should go to the doctor, but I don't think that there's anything the doctor can do for me either. I'm not supposed to be taking any medicine or anything. Baby Centre says I should try exercising. Apparently it helps. It's winter now and it's cold and raining. I don't have any exercise equipment and I don't have a gym subscription. How am I supposed to exercise? Walk up and down the stairs? Bleugh.

We went to look at another apartment yesterday. It's smaller than what we have now and costs more. Pfft. I'm starting to feel like we're not going to find anything. The agent said that if we don't find something in the first two weeks we might be screwed because most of the properties are gone by then.

Can't I just sleep through the next month and wake up feeling normal in a great new place - already moved?

FFS. I'm not asking much here.

P.S. The lollipops still seem to work in the mornings. I forgot to mention that I'm getting dark circles under my eyes. Now I don't only feel like shit, I look like shit too. Great.

A cure?

My grandfather seems to be taking his illness rather lightly. The doctor has assured him that the success rate for the operation is really high and that he shouldn't worry. They are not yet sure whether he’ll need a bag or whether he’ll need to go for chemo. The doctors can only determine this once they’ve opened him up. I love my grandfather dearly and hope and pray that he will be OK.

I was feeling very ill yesterday. I got sick last night and again this morning. When I was getting sick this morning (of course with nothing in my stomach) Rudi commented from the room ‘Don’t force it, baby. If there’s nothing there, there’s nothing there!’ He doesn’t seem to realize that the dry heaving and gagging isn’t voluntary! If I had a choice I would much rather NOT be sick!

Due to the horrible nausea I haven’t been eating very well. I try to make healthy food choices. Yesterday I ate…an apple, banana, naartjie, and 3 rice cakes with Melrose and some salticrax with marmite. I couldn’t bear the sight or smell of food.

This morning I braved a bowl of cornflakes and bought a sour lollipop. The cornflakes were a bit hard to swallow, but I managed it. I then ate the sour lollipop and VOILA! I feel a ton better. I bought all the sour lollipops in the canteen. If this is my cure for morning sickness – bring it on!

Ready or Not

It looks like those tablets for the morning sickness were working a little after all. From the moment I opened my eyes this morning I knew it was futile. I knew while I was putting the toothpaste on my toothbrush that I wouldn't be able to finish the job without going into the next room to kneel down and be humbled by something the size of a pea.

Ultimately I feel better after the ritual, but I loathe going through it. Especially in the morning when there is nothing in my stomach but air and acid. I try to be as loud as possible, perhaps I could evoke some sympathy from the inflicter of all of this, alas...not a word of sympathy spoken.

How am I supposed to milk this if he's not paying attention?!

Shame, he does get up to make things for me and goes to the shop when I feel like something specific. I think I might get over it if he didn't though. I would prefer if he held my hair out of the toilet and rubbed my back while I'm throwing up. As far as I know he's not one of those squeamish types that throws up when other people do...so why not?

EMACT is sending me the free nappies she promised :) She's also giving me lots of advice. I kind of relate to her situation a lot, even though I'm married. For me, getting pregnant was a big surprise. Somehow I thought I was immune, or that I had more time to be stupid and do irresponsible things. I was even avoiding the 'fertile' days on the ovulation calculator! Girls - don't ever say it won't happen to you! Expensive Mistakes was busy studying and focusing on her future. I was working on my career (slowly OK) and being frivolous. I thought children were many years into my future.

Here I am pregnant though. Ready or not. My life is about to change big time. I'm scared.

UGH!

Ugh. I feel like crap again. I am so sick of this! I sincerely hope that it will end soon. I’m sure the people around me are sick of hearing about it too. I can’t help it. I don’t feel like engaging with people or doing anything. I don’t feel like eating anything. I just feel horrid. I threw up IN FRONT of Sarah yesterday. I was so embarrassed.

We went to the Baba Indaba this weekend. We didn’t buy anything as we decided we’re only going to start buying things once I’m further than three months, but my grandmother wasted no time in knitting up a storm! Her neighbour also saw the cutest pair of white socks and bought them for me. People just love buying stuff for babies.



I will be SO happy when I'm not sick anymore. I'm taking tablets for women with morning all day sickness and it helps a little. I just want to feel normal again. I'm supposedly over 2 months...so another month? *sigh* What choice do I have? It's not like I can 'backspace' or 'delete' this. Stuck with this now. Also stuck with having to figure out how they are going to get this baby out of me. Can you say 'Give me the drugs?!'.

Getting worse

Ugh. The morning sickness seems to be getting worse. I've gotten some medication for it, but the relief is minimal. I'm struggling to eat and have no appetite. I'm probably eating about 1/4 of what I was eating before I was pregnant. That said, I was probably eating too much to begin with.

Sarah sent me this today:

Duration of condition
Morning sickness can occur at any time of the day, though it occurs most often upon waking, because blood sugar levels are typically the lowest after a night without food.

Morning sickness usually starts in the first month of the pregnancy, peaking in the fifth to seventh weeks, and continuing until the 14th to 16th week. For half of the sufferers, it ends by the 16th week of pregnancy. It may take the others up to another month to get relief, and some women suffer intermittent episodes throughout their pregnancy

I'm between 7 and 9 weeks now so it could be that it's 'peaking in the fifth to seventh weeks'. I just hope to God that it goes away soon and that I don't have it throughout.

My Evil Mother was crying on the phone yesterday. I told her that I don't want any gifts from her while she's still leeching staying with my aunt and uncle. I told her that I wanted her to stand on her own two feet and I didn't want to contribute towards her spending money irresponsibly. She then started crying and saying in disbelief 'Buying things for my grandchild, irresponsible?'. Why, if you can't afford it, YES!

It's a concept she doesn't seem to understand. She'll need to pull up her socks big time if she wants to be a part of the baby's life. She has told me for years that I was the cause of her starting her bad spending habits. She said she made debt to make sure I was always outfitted in the best clothes and shoes when I was a baby/little girl. I don't see how she can necessarily blame me. Since she had me about a month after she turned 18 - she had access to credit for the very first time and then went completely ballistic. I was just a convenient excuse. I'm not saying that I didn't have nice things when I was a child, but I definitely didn't expect them and started working and earning my keep when I turned 16.

I really hope that I will be able to instill good moral values and ethics in my child. I'm confused about the whole nature vs. nurture thing. I know my grandparents didn't raise My Evil Mother the way she turned out. It's like she was just rotten from the beginning. My aunt turned out the exact opposite. My Evil Mother raised me and I'm the opposite of her. So how do you control how your children turn out? I suppose you can only do the best you can.