Bleugh

I'm really trying my best not to write an entire rant about Jubba. I will refrain. I must be zen. I must not let him get to me. Breath in. Breath out. In. Out.

Right. So Rudi and I are also going to watch The Knowing with Nicholas Cage on Saturday. The trailer looks really good, but I've heard whispers on Twitter that the ending is a disappointment.

I'm probably being quite optimistic with all my weekend plans, considering the all day sickness seems to be getting worse at the moment, but I can't stop my life.

***Later***

Just barfed at work. That's a first. Usually my system doesn't allow me to barf in public. I do feel a bit better though. My lunch is almost over and I haven't had anything to eat yet. I thought I could have plain salted popcorn, but they didn't have. Leebeesa gave me two provitas. So sweet of her.

Anyway. Hoping Jubba stays out of my way for the rest of the day and that I get enough rest this weekend. I certainly need it.

All about throwing up

Yesterday I broke my throwing up record. Twice in one day. I know it doesn't seem like much, but throwing up twice a day is traumatic, OK? The first time it was just as I got out of bed. Nothing in my stomach, which is what I'm used to. If you don't know what bile tastes like, pop an E on an empty stomach. Ok, so I can't really encourage drug use on my blog, but you get what I'm saying. Yummy. What a way to start your day. I was hoping that I was done for the day having gotten it behind me first thing in the morning, alas it was not to be.

After work we went shopping for some groceries and I had to push Rudi to just get the bare minimum so we could leave as soon as possible. I was not feeling the shopping vibe. It's strange, the worst feeling of nausea always hits me around the same spot on the way home. I think it's part psychological. I know in my mind I will soon be at home in the privacy of my own bathroom with my own toilet and then it will be OK to barf. Loudly. As I tend to. I have never thrown up in public or at anyone else's house. Not even in the car. While I was pregnant anyway.

When we arrived home I felt better though and had a chocolate milkshake. I was sitting playing with Rudi's new phone (his old one completely gave up the ghost after the encounter with the pool) and had to get up to make the white sauce for our mac and cheese dinner (I am the white sauce QUEEN!). There it came. Suddenly.

I know from previous experience that chocolate B-fast turns pink in your stomach while it's digesting (weird, huh?). Chocolate milk it seems, doesn't.

I must say, this pregnancy, this "morning" sickness....everything just feels much more like I expected it to be. With James I was so sick ALL THE TIME that I really, really considered offing myself eventually. This time it is so much more manageable. I am very grateful for that.

My jeans don't fit me anymore. I need pants man! The lovely Tertia has said I can come and have a look at her maternity clothes, which I definitely will. I have 4 pants that currently fit me, which means I have to wear once pair at least twice in a work week. Not cool! I'll also be able to meet her and the infamous Max when I go to have a look. Yay!

All this taken into consideration - I AM HAPPY! I am in awe of the miracle that is taking place inside me. I was having visions of sperm meeting egg yesterday (like they show on TV) and thinking about how very lucky I am.

YAY!

Transitional

I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.

Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.

I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.

Speaking of loving Rudi...

...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.

The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.

and...it's back

Just in case I missed my morning sickness while it went looking for a new person to make miserable...it decided to join me again yesterday. Yesterday morning I was feeling 100%. I was even upbeat because I thought I looked cute in a new outfit I bought. I went to church and while sitting there I felt weird and got to the loo just in time. I can only hope nobody heard me. Blind.

I felt like crap the whole day yesterday and this morning when I woke up I soon realized that I was too happy too soon about this morning sickness going away. It's definitely still here :( This really sucks because it's supposed to go away by now. I'm probably almost 15 weeks now (according to my last gynae visit). I'm going to cry. Damnit.

On a happier note I went shopping with Sarah on Saturday and managed to spend some money on myself. I bought some accessories and 3 nice tops, PLUS I'm getting my hair done today. I can't wait to get rid of these roots! I really hope it doesn't take 3 and a half hours like it did last time...I'm going to be bored out of my skull!

Pregnancy

Pregnancy has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Feeling constantly sick, not enjoying food, not enjoying the company of people, not wanting to have sex, not being able to have a glass of wine, lower back ache...these things are making my life hell at the moment

They say with great sacrifice comes great reward, but it is really hard for me to think of or imagine the reward if I'm in the thick of the sacrifice. Also, because I haven't had a child before I don't know of 'the joy it brings' or how wonderful it is going to be once this part is over.

I've tried all the remedies that people have suggested. I've tried medication. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. I think that my morning sickness getting worse is linked to the vitamins I'm taking. I started taking them again a few days ago and I have been feeling like utter crap since yesterday.

I've already cried this morning. Yes I feel sorry for myself, very sorry. I know that millions of women are going through this and that eventually it will be over, but right now while I'm contemplating sticking my finger down my throat for some relief I see no end in sight.

I just want to crawl under a duvet until all this is over. I couldn't even take off work for fear of them thinking I'm trying to take a 'long weekend'.

Please God let this be over soon.

1st Trimester Blues - RANT WARNING

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I will not do this again if someone paid me a million bucks. I will read this blog entry again if I am ever stupid enough to consider doing this again.

Being pregnant SUCKS. I've always said that I always wanted to be pregnant, but I never wanted a baby. Oh how naive! I saw happy pregnant ladies (with no stretch marks, mind you) in magazines...smiling and holding their beautiful belly. I saw parents laughing and in awe with their baby's movements. I saw glowing, happy and healthy women. What I did not see was a miserable women with dark rings under her eyes, stretchmarks on 2/3 of her body hanging over a toilet bowl crying.

I fucking hate the media. LIARS! My entire life the media has been telling me I'm not thin enough and I'm not pretty enough. I learned to deal with that. There will always be someone better than me...but why lie to me about this?! Why allow me to inflict this kind of misery on myself?!

You hear about 'morning sickness', but nobody really tells you how bad you feel. ALL THE TIME. NOW people are telling me that it was bad and a lot of people have told me that they suffered for their entire pregnancy, not just the first trimester as God surely intended. Now I am even more disheartened and see no end in sight. I can't possibly feel like this till March next year. I will slit my wrists.

Apparently this will subside or disappear completely once the placenta takes over the production of hormones. I know the placenta is there - they gynae identified it in the scan I went for, so what the hell is it doing now? Just hanging around? Work damnmit! Do what you are meant to do!

The Last Week

The weekend was boring. We didn't do much, but Rudi spent more time with me this weekend since Crack Head neighbour was away (I couldn't believe my luck!).

It's our last week where we live. We'll be moving next weekend. I'm dreading it. The last time we moved I felt so overwhelmed I wanted to sit in a heap and cry. A lot of people have said they would come and help us, but we'll need to wait and see. I saw a beautiful rug at furniture city that I want to buy. It's a thousand bucks, but it's gorgeous and I want it! I don't know whether I should just go and buy it now...or wait till we move. If I buy it now it's just one more thing that I have to move and I'm sure it's pretty heavy.

I feel like crap this morning. Since I opened my eyes I've felt really sick. I don't know HOW I got through brushing my teeth without hurling, but I did. I felt so sick that I couldn't speak. Opening my mouth felt like an invitation to my stomach to lurch. Rudi's mother says she had morning sickness for the whole 9 months with all 4 of her children :(

I had a dream this weekend that we went for a scan with the new gynae and it was a boy. Rudi has two brothers and a sister. All of them have children. All the children are boys. I wonder if there is something to that. His mother says she's ready for a girl now. She seems to think we'll have another child (she noted this after I said 'So this is your last chance for a girl huh?'). One is enough for me though.

I've managed to eat some pronutro and one or two salticrax. I just hope I feel better soon. At least the fact that I'm sick means that my pregnancy is still on track and the baby is OK.

Murder By Hormones

Rudi is really lucky that he was not standing at the top of the stairs last night. I would have pushed him. Where do I start?

Before Rudi left for darts last night (he plays in a league) Amber brought me a gift. A gift in the form of a bleeding little field mouse. She promptly dropped it on the bed and continued to chase the poor thing around. Once I realized she was really chasing something I jumped up screaming. Rudi rescued the poor thing, much to Amber's dismay.

I was feeling really sick last night and took new bedding out with every intention of putting it on the bed, but I never really felt up to it. I noticed that the housekeeper had removed the bucket I keep next to the bed for emergencies and send Rudi an SMS to please bring the bucket up when he got home. The bucket was in the garage and I had already showered and gotten into my PJ's when I made the discovery.

I managed to doze off at about 21:30 and was thoroughly enjoying my sleep. Rudi came ambling in at almost 23:00 (which is normal). He came up the stairs - a bit merry - and woke me up to ask me where the bucket was. I mumbled that it was in the garage and proceeded to try and sleep. He then woke me up again to ask me 'What's this on the bed?' - referring to the bedding I had taken out and not put on the bed. The light was on and he was perfectly capable of seeing what was on the bed. When I didn't answer him he repeated the question. Enraged I got up since I had realized that I needed to pee at this point.

He then HOPPED into bed. My stomach was aching and I was feeling really ill. It felt like he was jumping up and down on the bed next to me. I voiced my dismay - at which point he was fed up with my bitching and finally he let me go to sleep. He also left the bucket downstairs. I don't know why he bothered getting it.

At that very moment I really would have seriously injured him had I not felt incapacitated myself.

Co-incidentally I had to get up at 3:30 again to pee. Pregnant women are supposed to start urinating more frequently around 5 weeks, but I have been getting away with it. I think it has begun.

Peeing and Puking. That's me from now on I guess.

Wasted Vitamins

I was SO annoyed this morning! I was taking my vitamins, after successfully brushing my teeth without incident. These tablets are freaking huge and I kind of choked on the last one (a calcium supplement). All my vitamins came up. Where? On my front lawn! I didn't have enough warning to run to the loo as it is situated upstairs and there were dishes in the sink in the kitchen. Rudi was so embarrassed. He still doesn't seem to grasp that I don't have much control over the impulse to vomit.

What a lovely way to start my day. I'm more annoyed about the wasted vitamins than I am about the throwing up on the front lawn (there was nobody there to witness it anyway).

I treated myself to a cappuccino when I came in to work and managed to get them all down. At least throwing them up isn't a daily occurrence.

Rudi tried to get me to take them again immediately. His efforts were met with a glare. Seriously? You want me to put something in my mouth while my stomach is still threatening to hurl out what I just put in there? Tsk. Men.

Business as usual

Finally it's Friday. The weirdest thing happened this morning. I woke up, attempted to brush my teeth without vomiting without success, but instead of getting upset I just...well...accepted it. It was 'business as usual'. I cannot be getting used to this can I? Who wants to get used to feeling ill and vomiting all the time? Crazy people! Oh...and people with bulimia*

I only felt a little sorry for myself and carried on as if nothing happened *sigh*. I didn't even cry or stamp my feet. I think these lollipops help because they push up my blood sugar levels. I don't care how it works, as long as it works!

I didn't go to choir practice last night. I feel so bad, but I have no choice. I feel so crappy.

My grandfather called me last night. He received back more test results. It seems like there is a problem with his liver. The doctor didn't tell him specifically if the cancer had spread there or if there is another problem - he'll tell him that on Monday (on my birthday). I just really hope he's going to be OK. My grandfather has been waiting for me to have a baby for the longest time and now that it is finally happening there are other factors that we never dreamed would be a problem. He said to me last night 'You better hurry up with this baby, I might not be around to see it', a tasteless joke I know. He has a weird sense of humour. Maybe he's trying to make it 'lighter'. He said if the cancer has spread to his liver it's a death sentence. You never know. He could get a transplant or they could cut some of his liver away. The chemo might get it, but there's no point in speculating.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything this year. Usually my birthday is a big deal for me...but I feel so horrid I'm not sure I'm up to anything. I can't drink, I can't eat, I don't feel like dancing. What is left to do except wallow? Last year my party was a real blow out. I remember a copious amount of red wine flowing and sleeping over where I was because neither Rudi or I were in any kind of condition to drive. This year...I'm in a different condition. HA HA.

*I distinguished that there is a different between bulimia and crazy people so don't take offense!

P.S. I'm sitting at work with my jeans untied. Luckily I'm wearing a long jacket so nobody can see. They're too tight and making me feel sick because they're pushing against my stomach. I just hope they don't fall down while I'm walking.

A cure?

My grandfather seems to be taking his illness rather lightly. The doctor has assured him that the success rate for the operation is really high and that he shouldn't worry. They are not yet sure whether he’ll need a bag or whether he’ll need to go for chemo. The doctors can only determine this once they’ve opened him up. I love my grandfather dearly and hope and pray that he will be OK.

I was feeling very ill yesterday. I got sick last night and again this morning. When I was getting sick this morning (of course with nothing in my stomach) Rudi commented from the room ‘Don’t force it, baby. If there’s nothing there, there’s nothing there!’ He doesn’t seem to realize that the dry heaving and gagging isn’t voluntary! If I had a choice I would much rather NOT be sick!

Due to the horrible nausea I haven’t been eating very well. I try to make healthy food choices. Yesterday I ate…an apple, banana, naartjie, and 3 rice cakes with Melrose and some salticrax with marmite. I couldn’t bear the sight or smell of food.

This morning I braved a bowl of cornflakes and bought a sour lollipop. The cornflakes were a bit hard to swallow, but I managed it. I then ate the sour lollipop and VOILA! I feel a ton better. I bought all the sour lollipops in the canteen. If this is my cure for morning sickness – bring it on!