Emo

I feel so emo today. It’s not anybody’s fault. I suppose it’s just a culmination of things that have made me feel distraught and inconsolable.

I had the day off work today. The Company was nice enough to make allowance for us to observe Ascension Day today. Last night Rudi went to play darts. I asked him very nicely not to wake me when he got home as I am already having trouble sleeping and would have taken my second last sleeping tablet. I didn’t know if I would be able to get back to sleep if I was disturbed. He woke me up anyway.

This morning I went to church, after which my grandmother picked up My Evil Mother for work and we went off to the supermarket where I bought some things to make a nice dinner for Rudi. I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes this afternoon, but my much needed nap was rudely interrupted by a phone call from work which I rejected. The damage was done though.

Shortly after this my grandfather called. He had gone for another colonoscopy today. It was a routine check up after his operation last year in which they removed about 10 centimeters of his colon. They found an abnormality. They took a sample and have sent it away for testing. It could be more cancer. It seems I will need to start facing the fact that my grandfather is not going to be with us much longer. I never expected it to turn out this way. My Oupa was meant to be around to see my baby.

At some stage during the day I was looking for something for heartburn – one of the many tablets I’m taking at the moment seems to cause it. While shuffling through our cupboards I came across the positive pregnancy test I had taken last year, like I wasn’t feeling sad enough already. The longing for a baby has been coming back rather strongly lately, very strongly. I can’t deny it anymore. As hard is it seems to be to just get pregnant, other negative thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Getting pregnant is only half the battle won; there are still a million things that could go wrong after conception has taken place. You have to get pregnant first though…and that seems to be proving much more time consuming that I would have liked.

So to distract myself I set about cooking supper. I made some chicken, roast vegetables and baby potatoes with garlic butter. Elaborate for me. Rudi usually cooks, but seeing as how I was at home I thought I would treat him. Rudi came home on time and upon seeing the meal I prepared for him he looked at me expectantly and said ‘What’s for pudding?’

Snap. That did it.

I went from zero to bitch in 0.2 seconds.

I just feel like crying. I’m still exhausted. My sleeping tablets are finished. Turns out they’re a schedule 5 drug and the doctor was not in today for me to call to ask for a script. I lay in Rudi’s arms for a while and cried a bit. He hates it when I cry. It frustrates him. He’s never really known how to handle it properly. He asked what the matter is, but the truth is I don’t want to talk about it. I would just start crying and that would just make him feel more helpless. He can’t fix it. He can’t say anything to make it better. He can’t change it.
I find that when I am in dire emotional need I have friends that are there for me. Friends, who are willing to help and do almost anything, Leebeesa for instance, when I was in hospital last year I swear I could have asked her for anything and she would have been prepared to do it, the problem is, when you’re THAT down and out, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can make things better. This is no fault of theirs. You’re inconsolable. That’s simply what it is to be inconsolable.

Lately I find that the internet has been a great source of comfort for me. My blog: an outlet like no other. Twitter, a stream of consciousness, constant support and people who care. Your Parenting Community…wonderful women on there. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if I didn’t have these people and these things in my life.

I do not know if I would have made it. Thank you, every single person who has reached out to me, who has acknowledged me…who has spared me a gesture, a thought, a comment, a prayer, a tweet, a call or an SMS. Even if you are only reading this, I might not have been able to blog today had it not been for YOU.

Good News

My grandfather’s operation went well. He doesn’t have a bag which is a huge bonus. The bad news is that the spots on his liver were caused by the cancer and he will need to have chemotherapy for 6 months. The doctor said that should clear everything up though. I don’t wish chemotherapy on my worst enemy. The way I understand it they literally pump poison into your body to kill the cancer and it makes you very sick. He is strong though. He will get through this. I’m just really happy that the operation went well. I was very nervous about him being under anaesthetic as he’s not young anymore and there can be complications.

I was feeling really rough last night. I was sore all over. My uterus feels like it’s blowing up. Apparently it’s the size of a grapefruit now and I can really say that I can feel there is something swollen beneath my skin. There’s no more denying it. Over and above the nausea I now FEEL pregnant. I really feel sorry for Rudi at times. I’m sure I bite his head off over trivial things and moan about him moving in bed next to me because I’m afraid I’ll throw up or my breasts are really sensitive. Good times.

I’m so tired of working it’s not funny. When I came in this morning I noticed I had 3 irate customers in my list. They can all really just kiss my ass. I’m not in the mood for know-it-all customers shouting and swearing at me and not taking “no” for an answer. The customer is not always right. Sometimes they are just downright unreasonable and full of crap. One of said customers is complaining about a product he doesn’t use and is singing the praises of our competitor. He’s not even really asking a question. So I should phone him and explain the business rules, etc. to him? Why? He doesn’t seem interested. On the other hand, this is my job and I get paid to do it. I think I get paid well to do it too. So I guess I should just be grateful I have a job which grants me opportunities that others cannot dream of.*

*This little bit of perspective came after me getting breakfast and mulling it over. I really should watch my mouth. I run it off in the heat of the moment.

Operation

So today is the day my grandfather goes in for his operation. We went to see him last night in the hospital. They were making him drink 2 litres of stuff called 'Clean Prep'. It flushes out your system, cleaning out your bowels. Apparently it tastes really salty. My grandfather says it's like drinking sea water. *shudder* He threw up while we were there. I felt so bad for him. He's really suffering and he hasn't even been cut open yet.

He'll be in ICU for a minimum of 24 hours after the operation which may take place as late as 16:00 today (maybe even later). He's the 5th patient on the doctor's list for today, so we probably won't be able to see him tonight. It's a rather common surgery, but it is still major surgery. They have also measured him for a bag in case they need to put one in for him.

He has a lot of prayers being said for him and we are hoping for the best.

Birthday and more

My birthday was boring. I didn’t do anything the whole day, but that was the plan. I was on leave and wanted to sleep late and do nothing. Rudi called in sick – but he spent half the day at the doctor. He is such a hypochondriac. Every time he goes to the doctor they send him to a specialist and they can’t find anything wrong with him. He’s starting to dislike doctors because he says there is definitely something wrong with him, even if they can’t find it.

We had two fights yesterday. I was angry at him for depleting the medical aid (which in all fairness, he does pay for too), but I’m going to need it a lot more than him with the baby on the way. Gynae appointments and scans and tests are all going to cost a lot of money.

The second fight was about him not buying me a gift for my birthday. Every year when I leave him to his own devices and I don’t make him go and buy me something, he doesn’t. He leaves it until it is my birthday and then he asks ‘So what do you want?’ It annoys me to no end because I feel like he doesn’t put any thought into it until the last minute. I’ve learnt my lesson about letting him pick gifts himself. He is not too bad at picking jewellery, but that is about it. Last year he wanted to buy me a single ticket to go and see a Pink concert. I like Pink, but definitely not enough to go on my own and not enough to want it as a birthday gift. I got him to buy me an expensive media player instead. Boogaloo contributed to that one a bit too. Eventually he stormed out and went to buy me a bottle of my favourite perfume (which I had run out of and told him to go and buy me).

Sarah and Brad came around last night. Sarah bought a cute set of baby clothes, but wrote me an I.O.U for my birthday gift. It was nice having them over, we hardly see them anymore.

My grandparents bought me a new pyjamas – it’s really pretty. My aunt bought me a set of plastic containers (don’t ask me why – because I haven’t figured it out yet, I have enough Tupperware for the whole family). Leeza stuck to our Harry Potter deal and bought me “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” and a ton of lollipops. Two other colleagues clubbed together and bought me a pretty silver chain with a butterfly pendant. I received more gifts than I expected which was great!

I feel horrible since this morning. I threw up bile this morning and I’m not sure if that taste just made me feel like crap, but I still feel yucky right now. I haven’t eaten anything, but my appetite is not all that. I’ve eaten lollipops this morning, but it hasn’t helped.

My grandfather is going into hospital today. His operation is tomorrow. They are taking him in today to prepare him for the op and to flush out his system. They located two dark spots on his liver which they will test for cancer after the operation – they are going to remove samples while he is under. There are also more areas of concern close to where they will be operating which they will also sample for testing. If any of the tests for the spots come back malignant he will go on chemotherapy for 6 months. I am very worried about him, but I try my best not to think about it. He simply has to make it. There’s no other way.

On a happy note Rudi and I have found a new place to stay. It’s a really nice place in Durbanville. It is also a flat, but it is 88 square metres which is bigger than our place now. It has a built in braai (BBQ) on the balcony, two bedrooms, a separate shower and bath and lots of cupboard space. We will be renting directly from the owner who is a really nice lady. We’ll be moving 31 August and I’ll post pictures once we’ve moved!

A cure?

My grandfather seems to be taking his illness rather lightly. The doctor has assured him that the success rate for the operation is really high and that he shouldn't worry. They are not yet sure whether he’ll need a bag or whether he’ll need to go for chemo. The doctors can only determine this once they’ve opened him up. I love my grandfather dearly and hope and pray that he will be OK.

I was feeling very ill yesterday. I got sick last night and again this morning. When I was getting sick this morning (of course with nothing in my stomach) Rudi commented from the room ‘Don’t force it, baby. If there’s nothing there, there’s nothing there!’ He doesn’t seem to realize that the dry heaving and gagging isn’t voluntary! If I had a choice I would much rather NOT be sick!

Due to the horrible nausea I haven’t been eating very well. I try to make healthy food choices. Yesterday I ate…an apple, banana, naartjie, and 3 rice cakes with Melrose and some salticrax with marmite. I couldn’t bear the sight or smell of food.

This morning I braved a bowl of cornflakes and bought a sour lollipop. The cornflakes were a bit hard to swallow, but I managed it. I then ate the sour lollipop and VOILA! I feel a ton better. I bought all the sour lollipops in the canteen. If this is my cure for morning sickness – bring it on!

Bad News

My grandmother called me at work today to tell me my grandfather has been diagnosed with colon cancer. He will be going in for an operation next Wednesday to remove about 10 cm of his colon.

They say they've caught it in the early stages. We'll have to hope for the best. He just finished his ordeal with the skin cancer and now this.

My colleagues had me sent home from work. I came to my grandmother to come and be with her. My grandfather is out working.

My grandfather might as well be my father. I've always looked up to him and he's been the constant male role model in my life.

Please spare a thought or a prayer for him and for us.