You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...

Almost Debt Free...

I saw my grandfather at church last night and no phone call yet. No news is good news in this case. I think it's so unfair that they didn't at least let him know by when he can expect a call. If he had known that he would know by Friday for instance and no call came, he could be relieved. Now we don't even know whether or not they have really checked.

Personally I feel really good. A policy of mine paid out (I cancelled it in favour of better cover) and I've used the money to pay off my credit card that yields the highest interest and paid a massive R2000 towards the pathologist bill. Next month is a bonus month and I intend to settle the straight facility of my other credit card and the pathologist bill (depending on the balance). I will then officially be debt free, spare the TV we just bought and my car. Not bad considering 3 years ago I was up to my eye balls in debt thanks to My Evil Mother. Of course I had a few small debts of my own, but the majority of the debt was made for/by My Evil Mother. I struggled to make monthly payments and had to cash in another savings policy just to keep my head above water. Now I even have savings! I've never had saving in my life. Financial freedom is wonderful. Being able to buy something your heart desires, because you can afford it...priceless.

I will be on leave for the next week, so I won't be blogging. I know you'll miss me. WA HA HA HA. I've already exceeded my data bundle on my phone so I won't be connecting from home. I suspect my laptop is downloading stuff it shouldn't be when I connect which is why it is chowing through my bundle. I must remember to download an anti-virus programme today and run it at home.

I'll still be on Twitter and Facebook for those who speak to me there.

UPDATE:

I've just requested some extra bundle, in case I *need* to blog :)

A little bit of everything

Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.

We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.

The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!

Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.

I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.

I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.

My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.

At Home

I'm at home at the moment. I went to work on Monday and I felt I couldn't cope with the morning sickness and working. I took leave for the rest of the week. I'm already on leave on Monday as I have my next gynae appointment by then. My breasts are REALLY sore too. Especially after I've showered. If the towel even brushes against them I want to cry.

It's nice being at home resting. Somehow I feel a little guilty. I wish a doctor would have booked me off instead of me having to use leave, but I don't feel like paying for another doctor's appointment. My medical aid is already running low and I know I have to go for more gynae appointments this year and at least one foetal assessment as well. Not only that, my doctor is a real man's man. I think he'll think I'm being a wuss and tell me to suck it up. Last year when I had measles he let me suffer with my symptoms for 3 days without medication because he wanted them to develop so he could check whether or not it really was german measles. He's probably just tell me that millions of women go through this and I should stop being a baby. Don't get me wrong, he's a great doctor...but not the most sympathetic man. I'll discuss how I'm feeling with my gynae on Monday.

My grandfather goes for his first chemo session today. I must call him to see how he is doing. He is anticipating the worst, as anyone probably would.

OH! Joke of the century. My Evil Mother phoned me yesterday, cooing over me. Of course, she wanted something. She asked me if she and Coke Head could get married at our house. She's never even seen our house. She doesn't know where we live (and I'd like to keep it that way). When I told her that she doesn't even know how it looks, she said "I know it will be beautiful because it's your house". So I told her we don't have a garden or anything. She said she 'wants me to be part of it'. Pfft. What a load of shit. I told her that I would be a part of it wherever she held it. She's told so many people that she doesn't care about Coke Head. She says she's just using him. Her 'excuse' for wanting to marry him now is that she is 'living in sin' and she is trying to get herself ready of the day of the Lord. This woman has SERIOUS mental issues man. She needs help. We've all tried helping her, but she refuses to believe she has a problem. I wish Dr. Phil lived in South Africa. He'd call her out on all her bullshit. This will be marriage number 3 for her. Clearly heading for disaster. She is an adult though and nobody can make decisions on her behalf. Unfortunately. Her and Coke Head and still sponging off my aunt and uncle for pete's sake! They can't even get their act together enough to get a place of their own! Not even a bachelor flat and they want to get MARRIED? Idiots.

My grandmother has told me that they want to appoint me the executor of their estate once they pass because I'm the only one that doesn't give in to her manipulation and deception. That's a big responsibility and I'll have to protect my aunt which is my grandparent's main concern. I'll have to do my best.

Other than that I've noticed that my skin seems to be deteriorating. I think my hormones are going crazy with this baby and it's making my skin look terrible.

Can anyone remind me when the fun part is again? Hopefully just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be gone and I'll be 'glowing'. Hard to believe today. Apparently there are some raunchy times in the coming months...can't wait!