You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...

+ 400g

So...my body is telling me that I am ovulating...and I am trying my best to ignore it, despite the pain in my abdomen and other clear signs. Be gone! But don't...ugh. Trying to stop this bus I got on to is proving harder than I thought it would. Rudi asked me to check my ovulation microscope. I didn't though. I can tell I'm ovulating. I can feel it. Argh!

Despite 'no longer trying' I'm still thinking thoughts like 'Oh wouldn't it be funny if we got pregnant this month, now that we're "not trying"'...So I'm still hoping that it is going to happen, despite 'giving up'. It's all so messed up in my own head, I don't want to know how it must seem to those reading my blog.

Not only that...but I've been *SO* emotional since the pregnancy. I feel like I don't always have control of my emotions. I cry for any old thing...I get angry and flare up for barely any reason. It's tiring. If it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant I'd go right back on the pill...some hormones to set me straight.

My gynae wanted me to come see him if my cycle length doesn't come right on it's own. The cycles since my pregnancy are looking as follows:

Cycle 1: 38
Cycle 2: 34
Cycle 3: 35
Cycle 4: 33

I suppose that seems sort of regular. Doesn't it? No excuse to see the gynae then I guess.

Right, so I gained 400g. Shut up. It was Easter...and I'm ovulating...but I really need to get my ass into gear and get back on track. My beautiful 7kg lost is now only 6.6kg again. Nellie will be going on the eating plan after she's had her baby...so I guess she'll help me along (again)....

Speaking of which...she's in hospital right now preparing to give birth to her boy, Daniel! I am scared and excited for her. I'm waiting for my phone to ring so that I can make the official announcement on the parenting community (see badge on the right). We've been talking about this day for such a long time I cannot believe it is finally here! I'm dying to see photos of this boy that wriggled in his mother's tummy every time I spoke to her...we won't have to wait for too much longer...

P.S. Will post photos from Franshoek if I find any good shots when I'm downloading the pics.

Shifting Focus

I'm already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night "I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn't care". Wouldn't that be nice? Just "not caring". I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It's a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I'm sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don't think I'm in a position to comprehend this right now.

I also read Tertia's blog a little. I don't have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven't tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.

Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don't think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don't mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.

For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I'm only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It's dirt cheap too.

I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it's just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I'm getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don't enjoy it. It's not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he cooks...it's difficult to say no.

So...I need to change the way I'm thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

The gynae said...

I went to the gynae at around 12:30 and only got to see him just before two. He is freaking busy! Luckily there weren't a whole lot of pregnant chicks in the waiting room so I didn't get too upset, the place did bring back some yucky memories though. Last time I was there was quite traumatic for me.

The gynae said I should watch my cycles and make sure they are regular. He said that less than 50% of people conceive within 6 months of a pregnancy so right now I should just relax and check that my cycle regulates.

He did a breast exam and internal exam and reckons everything looks 100% OK. He also said that by the looks of things I am probably ovulating right now and might be for the next few days. 'Your husband has work to do' kind of thing.

He said he doesn't believe in the temperature charting as it can be inaccurate at times. I forgot to take it this morning anyway. He explained to me how to check whether or not I'm ovulating - which I already knew from research.

So I've been told to relax and take it slow and check my cycle meticulously. Guess who is getting lucky tonight anyway?

Gynae - EEK!

I'm going to the gynae this afternoon. I feel queasy. Probably just stressing myself out for nothing. Maybe it's all the estrogen in my body since I think I might be ovulating.

Pfft. SO not looking forward to this!

Needles and things...

Sorry I didn’t get around to blogging yesterday. I was super busy at work and didn’t get a moment. I then got home very late from church and couldn’t log on to the internet so I couldn’t even blog last night.

On Tuesday I felt so incredibly good after our walk. I felt energized and ‘happy’. I even managed to walk faster uphill and recovered more quickly afterwards! I never ever believed people telling me that exercise makes you ‘happy’ and you feel good afterwards. What hogwash! All that exercise did for me was made me tired! Not anymore. I’m really looking forward to our walk tonight again.

Last night before we went our separate ways I tried to impress the importance of having some sexy time with Rudi, although on a Wednesday with him going to darts and me to church there is no time after we get home. He then gets home very late from darts usually and I am asleep. He told me that it was very unlikely that it was going to happen and I just got over myself and left it at that. He woke me up when he got home (after 23:30), but I was so groggy and miserable I told him to take a hike! LOL. I HATE being woken up! He gets extra brownie points for trying though.

Other than that we’ve just been informed of our final bonus scores and I am happy with the result. I’ll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card and pay a hefty sum towards that horrible doctor’s bill I have.

I jabbed a colleague with a needle today. She needs to have injections every day, but can’t see very well where she needs to put the needle. She asked me if I could do it for her and I reluctantly agreed, but it wasn’t too bad! I told her I’d do it for her every day if she wanted. She’s happy about that and I’m happy to help someone in need. Everyone else is too scared to do it! I am a brave chick!

I have a gynae appointment on Monday and I am not looking forward to it. Not only because he is probably going to scratch around in the last place I want him to, but I’m afraid of things he might say. I’m probably stressing myself out for nothing.

Waiting

So I'm still waiting for my cycle to start. I'm over my regular cycle 'due date' (it's been more than 32 days since the womb scrape) and now I'm just waiting. It's extremely frustrating not to know what's going on. The gynae's receptionist said it usually takes about 4 weeks and it's been almost 5. With that estimation I hoped it would just revert back to my normal cycle length, but it hasn't. Maybe it's just late, but it's very confusing and frustrating for me not to know what is happening.

It's just two days late and since I don't know what to expect I don't want to run to they gynae in a tizz. If I do any kind of pregnancy test I will do it next year when the medical aid has reset. Peeing on sticks has proven a useless waste of time and money...so I won't even go there this time. It will be a blood test and voila. Or if I SERIOUSLY haven't started by next year, I'll go and see the gynae.

I would consider myself the equivalent of a lotto winner if I am pregnant again so soon after losing James.

Spiritual Experiences

The memorial service was held on Sunday after our church service. My mother in law, sister in law, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, My Evil Mother, Rudi and I were all there. My mother in law brought flowers and a slab of chocolate. My aunt and My Evil Mother cried more than I did. It was short and dignified. Since the beginning of all of this I’ve had a few significant spiritual experiences. Some of them are difficult to explain to someone who is not New Apostolic, but I’ll try.

On the day that I was admitted to hospital I received many phone calls from family and friends with words of encouragement and assurances of prayers. My grandfather’s family specifically came through which is strange because they are not particularly close to us. They all told me that they are praying for our protection and Lynne who had to go through the same experience as me told me I will not be alone in the hospital room and that I need to remember that.

As the general wards were full I ended up in a private room and had a small TV in front of my bed. While I was watching TV I saw a reflection which looked exactly like our church’s symbol. Looking behind me I only saw a chain with a triangular shaped handle hanging from it (used by ladies who have had epidurals to assist in turning themselves). This of course does not resemble our church symbol at all, but when reflected in the TV it looked that way, making me feel like I was not alone in the room.

In our faith we take communion at each service (twice a week if you attend both services) and we eat a small wafer while partaking in the sacrament. The communion is served by priests who take the wafers out of silver cups and put the wafer into your hands. As the priests do this they attempt to separate any wafers they feel might be stuck together, so if you receive two wafers it almost always has a significant meaning. For instance, the first time I partook of communion after I found out I was pregnant I received two wafers instead of one, which indicated God’s acknowledgement of my baby to me. On Sunday our rector (who had been specifically moved back to our congregation even though he was booked somewhere else so that he could perform the memorial) served communion. It is the first time I have ever seen him do so. He happened to be placed in front of the block where I was sitting. Someone happened to skip him while going up for communion which resulted in him serving me with communion. He said he picked up the wafer and tried to separate them as they normally would and couldn’t. When he looked up I was standing in front of him. After I received the wafer I also looked down at it as I noticed it was much thicker than usual and the two wafers were stuck together as if glued that way. Both the rector and I felt that the chain of events leading up to this was a sign that our baby was also now partaking of Holy Communion in his place of rest, may he rest in peace.

I have been spending a lot of time with my grandparents while I have been off. Before I went to hospital I could not be alone with all the uncertainty and questions floating about in my head I was in a permanent state and needed to be around my loved ones to keep me calm and sane. I would sit howling on my own driving myself crazy. My grandfather being on chemo also appreciated the company. On a number of occasions my grandfather asked me if I had seen the movie ‘Evan Almighty’ and I kept telling him that I hadn’t. Yesterday I was there for the first time since we lost James and he asked me the question again. For some reason I asked him if he would put it on for me. I had what Oprah might call an ‘Aha’ moment while watching it yesterday and felt like it contained something that I desperately needed to hear. At some point Samuel L. Jackson (who portrays God in the movie) says ‘When someone prays for patience, God gives them an opportunity to be patient. If someone prays for courage, God gives them an opportunity to be courageous’, this telling me that God does not put circumstances in our way to break our spirit, but to strengthen us in ways we never thought possible. I have an opportunity, I just need to figure out what the opportunity is.

I really needed to start interpreting the situation a little differently and turning all the negativity that had been in my head into something positive. I thought it so strange that I have never lost a friend or family member close to me to death. Now I have lost a child, much closer than anyone else could have been. Perhaps this will prepare me for circumstances I will face in the future which I could not have faced before. Perhaps God wants me to appreciate and shower with love and care the healthy baby I will be provided. Honestly before I fell pregnant I did not want a baby. Now I want nothing more. I will take no chances next time. I will not look at any medication. I will lie over the toilet for months, suffer through infection, and do what I need to do, but take no chances with our next child.

I do not know how long we will wait before we try again. We may just wait out the year and start trying again next year. The gynae wanted to see me again in February. Perhaps we will wait for that check up.

I realize that this has been quite a religious entry, but I needed to express my spiritual experiences. I needed to record them because I do not want to forget exactly how I felt when these things happened to me. It is so easy to lose perspective which is why I blog. Reading back on past experiences sometimes just gives you the perspective you need to be in a better emotional place in your life when you forget how blessed you are.

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.