-1.2 kg

Oh YAY! I honestly thought that the scale was going to swear at me this morning. Despite the fact that I drank my water last week and exercised. So I've not only shaken off that 200g I picked up last week...I've lost an extra kilo as well! Now I've officially lost 7kg since I started! That is...14 blocks of margarine! I am very proud of myself! I cannot remember the last time I've lost 7kg. When I was on Weight Watchers almost 5 years ago I think I lost around 6kg before giving up.

Last night, on a whim, we walked from our place to my grandparents house. It has to be at least 3 - 4 kilometres and includes a hill I didn't think I would make it up. The whole walk took us arund 37 minutes which really isn't too bad. If I could do that once a week and lose weight I would do it!

Rudi seems to be on his own little mission. Last night I was asked how many days ago my last cycle started and he started counting things. I'm not sure what he thinks he's doing. He is still counting 14 days - which is technically incorrect as I have a longer (and irregular) cycle (at the moment). I suppose it's really sweet that he's trying...but he clearly didn't get the message when I told him I'm not. I tried to convey this to him last night again. I explained to him how I am feeling and that it really hurts a lot to be disappointed each month. He doesn't seem to understand *why* I'm disappointed each month. I guess I shouldn't expect him to understand.

So as I'm shifting my focus I've been trying to concentrate on the good things in life. The freedom I can enjoy before I have a child. The things I most likely take for granted now. Being able to sleep, drink, watch TV, spend time with Rudi, sexy time and basically everything I do now. Everyone knows babies change your entire life, forever even if they don't live.

So another busy day at work. This new product is driving me nuts! Hopefully today will fly by like the rest. Being busy really helps for that.

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.

Weekend Plans

So I figured out yesterday that two Grandpa powders will sort your cramps right out! I will now buy some when we go shopping. They work better than even my beloved Adcodols do.

I'm really proud of myself for my exercise efforts this week. In the last 6 days Rudi and I have gone for a walk 4 times. A proper walk mind you, not a stroll. I'm sure this will pay off. I've even ended my walks the last two times with a jog to the front door (a *very* small jog), just to step up the work out for those last few steps. I'm still struggling to eat 100% correctly, but I'm making a concerted effort to not pig out on junk food. I have also been doing well with drinking water. I only skipped one day as the water was off in our area and the toilets were not flushing at work. Ewww.

Tonight we are going to braai (BBQ) with the lady I mentioned that I met at the hospital when we went for James' last scan. She said "We should get together for a braai sometime" and I agreed. The next day I had an invitation for a braai tonight. Most people just say "We should get together sometime" and it never happens. We've also been instructed not to bring anything. Lovely.

Tomorrow night, unfortunately, we've been invited to a 'massive party' at Fence's house (technically it's Caregiver's parents house). Rudi wants to go. I told him we can go on condition we leave when I want to as I'm working this weekend (both Saturday and Sunday).

So I have quite a full weekend ahead and I'm not looking forward to most of it. I'm not too fussed though, because attending Fence's party on this working weekend will mean that I hopefully won't have to see him on my off weekends.

Not Pregnant

So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:



I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He's actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn't start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I've just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I'm not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn't complain. It's so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James' last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn't even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Saturday Business

So I finally got my ass into gear and walked today. I didn't walk particularly far and the walk wasn't more strenuous than usual, but when I got home I felt sick to my stomach. As if I could throw up because of the exertion. Strange that. I actually still feel a little queasy. Didn't stop me from eating two hot dogs for lunch though. Bah.

I also did my filing. I didn't have nearly as much as I thought I would have, but I clearly haven't filed since November. I also haven't collecte post from my P.O. Box since January, in other words I STILL have catching up to do *sigh* At least I've gotten my new files in working order and all the loose papers lying around into one place.

I also cleaned the house and even took the bin out. That's usually Rudi's job. Rudi has gone fishing with Lindor. He left around 10:00 this morning and will *probably* be home by 18:00. He says he'll be home by that time...but we'll have to see. He's not great at coming home when he says he's going to.

Anyway. I'm at my grandparents house which has broadband. You'd think I'd be less bored. They've both nodded off leaving me without any company and rugby on the TV. My grandfather won't admit to his nap if he catches me changing the channels.

I had a nice hour long conversation with Nellie earlier. I'm hoping to call her back a little later. Pffft. So bored and wondering why on earth I'm nauseous when I'm not sick. I'll give you three guesses what I'm thinking and the first two don't count...

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It's such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I'm losing weight and it's great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I've been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I'm trying not even to think about it as 'dieting' for 'weight loss'. I'm trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK...so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other's doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time's sake. It was a lot of fun - just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I'm really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she's very happy with the place they have found. Who knows...maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this...but you never know!

I've managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I'm feeling really good about that too. I'm going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.

Better

So things were better last night. I didn't sleep alone. As soon as we got in the car the air cleared. Rudi drove directly to his parent's house so I went with him to dinner. I didn't pretend everything is OK, but I didn't say or do anything that implied things weren't.

This morning in the car however things went pear shaped again. We were chatting about general stuff and Rudi mentioned their weekend fishing trip that is scheduled for the end of the month. I said I was not going and Rudi flipped his lid saying I was 'starting again' and that he expected me to talk things out with Boring Person and that he thinks I'm being childish by not agreeing to do so.

So I mulled it over and decided that I would be mature about it. I sent him a SMS after arriving at work today and told him to call Boring Person to set up drinks on Friday night so that we could talk. He hasn't replied to this SMS, but I've put the ball in his court. I will listen to Boring Person's reasoning and then make clear to him how I feel about things. I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again if he wants us to be friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I hope this will appease Rudi and show him I am willing to make and effort.

We went for our walk last night and for a change I didn't nearly drop dead. I did, however, wear the wrong kind of shoes and the balls of my feet still hurt. I won't make THAT mistake again! While we were walking we had some time to talk. Rudi still does not want to go for counselling. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage. Of course I disagree and feel that counselling can only do some good. He reckons that we would have to go for counselling only if we were fighting every night and had trouble making things right. I asked him if he would consider going for counselling if I went first. I asked him if he would go if my counsellor would like to see him. He still said no, saying it was a waste of money.

So. I am going to make a concerted effort and do what I can from my side. I'm going to be a grown up about it and suck it up. Lead by example.

I can only work on myself and make myself better. Rudi will hopefully see the effort that I make and appreciate it for what it is.

*sigh*

I was completely owned by our walk yesterday. I barely made it home. We took the longer route and it wasn't nearly as hot as it was the previous time we went on this route. When we got home Rudi checked the mail and found a lovely surprise in there:


My friend from Belgium sent me a 'Thank you' card to thank me for being his friend and taking the time to make his life better. He reckoned I was feeling down after everything that happened to me last year and thought he would cheer me up. How sweet! He has really been a good friend to me. We have been chatting for about 4 years now and he has sent me some things before.

Rudi and I were supposed to have sexy time again last night since the doctor said it would be a good time to try...but he put his foot in it again and we went to bed angry. Looks like he's changed his mind about not being friends with Boring People. His words were, 'Well he didn't do anything wrong to me'. I was beyond cross and disappointed. I cannot believe he is not offended by this man and his audacity. Then I had to hear about how I actually did have an attitude that day...blah blah. Still, attitude or not, he had no right to do what he did. The only reason I had an attitude in the first place is because Rudi was being his old self and thinking only of his own wants (not needs) and putting me firmly in last place. This of course does not occur to him.

So we're not speaking right now. To put the cherry on the cake my housekeeper isn't able to come in this week because the taxis are striking for the next three days. F&#%@$%!

Conflicted

Well, our walk last night didn’t do as much for me as our walk on Tuesday did. We walked longer and further though. I’m a little bit stiff. I thought I was going to die by the time I got home. My face sunburned slightly on our walk. We were in the piping hot sun for about 30 minutes. Today my face isn’t looking too bad, you can hardly notice it at all, but it was stinging and pink yesterday! Even after a cold shower I hadn’t cooled down yet, although our water failed me halfway through my shower.

Our water has been touch and go since Monday. Apparently there was some problem with the pressure in the complex. Rudi had to go two days without showering because no water came out of the tap after I had showered. Luckily last night things seemed to normalize.

I’m working this weekend, but I’m glad for it because it means I’ll be off on Valentine’s Day. Last year for Valentine’s Day Rudi bought me a kind of jasmine bush. I managed to keep it alive! Here it is today:



I was thinking about this baby thing last night. As much as I desperately want to be pregnant again and to have a healthy child…all this planning and charting and scheduled sexy time just doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be this way. I’m terribly conflicted about this. On the one hand I REALLY want to be pregnant. On the other hand I don’t feel like it should be an orchestrated affair. I feel that it should happen on its own, but as irrational as it may seem I feel like it won’t happen if we don’t have sexy time when we’re supposed to and we need to monitor everything to ensure we do. I know we didn’t need assistance falling pregnant before, but realistically it could have been a fluke. I think there is something like a 12 hour window for an egg to be fertilized. Surely that is easy to miss? How long is THAT going to take? So now I don’t know what to do. Do I follow my head or my heart?

Needles and things...

Sorry I didn’t get around to blogging yesterday. I was super busy at work and didn’t get a moment. I then got home very late from church and couldn’t log on to the internet so I couldn’t even blog last night.

On Tuesday I felt so incredibly good after our walk. I felt energized and ‘happy’. I even managed to walk faster uphill and recovered more quickly afterwards! I never ever believed people telling me that exercise makes you ‘happy’ and you feel good afterwards. What hogwash! All that exercise did for me was made me tired! Not anymore. I’m really looking forward to our walk tonight again.

Last night before we went our separate ways I tried to impress the importance of having some sexy time with Rudi, although on a Wednesday with him going to darts and me to church there is no time after we get home. He then gets home very late from darts usually and I am asleep. He told me that it was very unlikely that it was going to happen and I just got over myself and left it at that. He woke me up when he got home (after 23:30), but I was so groggy and miserable I told him to take a hike! LOL. I HATE being woken up! He gets extra brownie points for trying though.

Other than that we’ve just been informed of our final bonus scores and I am happy with the result. I’ll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card and pay a hefty sum towards that horrible doctor’s bill I have.

I jabbed a colleague with a needle today. She needs to have injections every day, but can’t see very well where she needs to put the needle. She asked me if I could do it for her and I reluctantly agreed, but it wasn’t too bad! I told her I’d do it for her every day if she wanted. She’s happy about that and I’m happy to help someone in need. Everyone else is too scared to do it! I am a brave chick!

I have a gynae appointment on Monday and I am not looking forward to it. Not only because he is probably going to scratch around in the last place I want him to, but I’m afraid of things he might say. I’m probably stressing myself out for nothing.

The Weekend so far

Last night I went to watch Bride Wars with Leebeesa. I must say that I really enjoyed spending some time with her and the movie was really cool. It made me laugh and cry. Awesome. Rudi had gone off to Crack Head's house and said he'd by home by 23:00. After the movie we went to Leebeesa's sisters house (she's house sitting at the moment) and I watched a little DSTV (cable) while she went to shower. She had to work today so eventually she brought me home around midnight.

Rudi still wasn't home. I was so livid. I thought after the huge fight that we had last weekend about this very same thing he would at least retain the information for a week. Silly me. Leebeesa comforted me on the phone till eventually I was tired enough to go and sleep. She reckoned he was probably trying to get a reaction out of me and advised me not to react. He came home after 01:00.

This morning I got up, made us both breakfast and started getting ready for my hair appointment. I even asked him how his evening was in a friendly manner. He couldn't, however, give a flying fuck how my evening went. He didn't even bother asking. He then kept trying to pull me back into bed, knowing I had a hair appointment within the next 30 minutes. The more I protested, the more adamant he became. He pressed my buttons to the extent that I finally exploded and said something along the lines of him needing to spend time with me when it was appropriate and not just when it suited him, which led to another fight. The last thing I said to him before I left for my hair appointment was 'You want a divorce? Fine. You'll get what you want'.

The hairdresser was a lovely lady. As all hairdressers do she listened to my problems and even gave me a free treatment. If pity is going to get me free hair treatments, I'm not going to complain! Hair is SO freaking expensive to maintain!

I have grainy cell phone pics of my hair:





Before



After

We were meant to go and visit my great aunt, Cheryl, today and go for a walk on the beach afterwards. Naturally Rudi told me to go on my own. I picked my grandmother up and we went to go and visit her. I actually had a nice afternoon, despite my foul mood. I assumed Rudi would have buggered off to his friends while I was out, but he was still home when I returned around 18:00 (I left at 12:00). Maybe his friends are busy.

Did you think I was going to slack on the weekend? NO! When I got home I went for my walk (alone). It was still difficult and hasn't gotten any easier yet. I am still taking the same route. I'm sure it's going to get better. I feel good about doing it. I came home, took a nice cold shower and cooked supper. I was so proud of myself today. I stuck to my eating plan despite being offered cake and DELICIOUS cookies. I can do this!

Rudi and I are being civil for now. He's not getting off easily this time. I deserve respect and if he can't give me that, then that's tough. I'm not going to be a doormat.

Updates

So in case you were wondering...I did go and walk again last night :) We walked before we cooked supper so it was quite a bit warmer than when we walked after 19:00 on Tuesday. The heat aided in us working up quite a sweat. Still felt good! We took the same route as the last walk and it wasn't necessarily less strenious, but I didn't get a stitch this time so there is already improvement. On Saturday we are going through to Tableview to visit my great aunt and going for a walk on the beach afterwards, no matter how strong the wind is! (I've used that as an excuse not to walk on the beach before) The sand offers nice resistance and should make it a good workout. We've also started looking at taking other routes to keep it interesting. There are quite a few nice houses in our area so it will be nice to walk around and look at all of them.

The eating plan is still going well, although I'm curious to see how it will turn out on the weekend. I just know Rudi will fall off the wagon with the 'no drinking' part of it. In fact, he already has when he went to darts on Wednesday. He's already made plans to have a snoek (fish) braai (BBQ) with Crack Head tonight and told him to buy a six pack or a bottle of brandy. I told him he can really do whatever he likes as long as he doesn't expect to get the best results. He's never been on a diet or eating plan in his life before and I don't think he realizes just how difficult it can be sometimes. I hope he is inspired by my diligence and the results I hope to obtain. I suddenly can't wait to get onto the scale on Tuesday to see the fruits of my labour!

I was so busy at work yesterday I completely forgot to blog about the hilarious thing that happened at home on Wednesday! We were cooking supper and I needed to have a shower before going to church. After getting undressed Rudi decided to take advantage of my lack of clothing. One thing led to another and I guess we got a bit carried away...only to realize afterwards that we had burnt our food! Luckily the damage wasn't too bad and we managed to eat it. We're still having a good chuckle about it though.

I'm trying my best to just enjoy the sexy time Rudi and I are having together without thinking of babies or whether the time together will result in a pregnancy. It's craziness! I'm still charting my temperatures and monitoring how my body feels. We're still trying at the 'right' times, but I'm not going to stress about it too much. It will come. Eventually! (read: I hope it happens this month)

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I'm going to watch Bride Wards with Leebeesa. Just a diet coke this time, no popcorn. It's going to be fun! Let us hope the rest of the weekend doesn't turn out to be as disastrous as last weekend was.

Exercise!

So Rudi and I actually went for a walk last night. After having a lovely (healthy) meal we set off for the walk.

We walked around our complex to a nearby dam, around the dam and back home again. Walking to the dam and around it was pretty easy and I set a fast pace, but walking back was uphill all the way! It was only a mild incline, but uphill none the less!

I must say I really took strain on the uphill and had to climb a flight of stairs to get back into the house. My heart was pounding, my muscles were twitching and my lungs were burning. The whole walk took us about 20 minutes.

After I recovered and caught my breath back I felt pretty good about it. We won't have time to go for a walk tonight as I'm going to church and Rudi's going to darts, but tomorrow night I want to go again.

The eating plan is going really well so far and it's really not too difficult. Maybe this is the one!

Feeling Good

I am super proud of myself. I haven't felt proud of myself for a VERY long time. It feels so good to feel like this.

Despite life throwing me a curve ball I started my eating plan yesterday and stuck to it. I could have easily used the fight Rudi and I had as an excuse not to start. I even forgot to prepare the chicken I needed for lunch yesterday and that would just have added to my excuses.

I have made enough excuses though. There should be no excuse for treating yourself badly and poisoning your body with bad food. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite and I've only been eating healthy for a day, but I want to put my mind into the right gear.

I stuck to my eating plan for the entire day yesterday and even drank all my water. I loathe drinking water. I added some lime cordial and that makes it so much more bearable. I didn't feel punished or deprived. I felt healthier.

I intended to go for a walk yesterday, but Rudi picked me up late from work and by the time we had finished cooking supper our soapie was on and before we knew it 7 'o clock had come and gone. My grandparents also pitched up at our house unannounced so the walk went down the drain. We do plan on taking a walk tonight though.

Rudi and I discussed our problems and managed to talk things out. I've decided not to let his actions or inactions decide how I feel about myself. I want to learn to love myself more, to be comfortable in my own skin. I want reconnect my mind and my body. They have been strangers for years.

I think that this healthy eating plan has come at a very good time. It is helping me feel better about myself. I have also decided not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon. Many times before this has been my downfall. I would cheat and then feel like a failure and like I've ruined everything and I would give up. None of that! NOBODY eats perfectly every single day. Everybody gives in to food. I have bad genes and I need to work harder at it than some people, but that is not their fault nor mine. I am not the only person in the world that struggles with their weight.

I will no longer be judged because I have trouble stopping myself from putting bad things in my mouth. The principle is simple. Now I just need to enforce it!

I weighed myself last week and again this morning. There is already a 2kg difference! I am not officially counting it as I can't even remember what day I weighed, but it has lifted my spirits a little anyway :)